Chapter Twenty-six

"It's at times like this I'm grateful I saved my game before the level started" - Eldrad Ulthran, at the end of the 13th Black Crusade

For those of you with short memory spans or just join us (in which case there's, like, twenty-five chapters worth of back story – go read!), here's a short summary of the Story So Far, as told by our stars.

Lorgar: "Who ... us?"

Vulkan: "Yeah he means us. Now narrate like you've got a pair!"

Lorgar: "Where to start? The fact that we wasted millennia binge drinking our way across the Eye of Terror? Then Horus appears and suddenly Fifth Edition has started and there's a new summer campaign to fight! Of course, turns out things aren't quite that easy ..."

Magnus: "Indeed. For our foes were the C'tan, and their diabolical masters Hasbro, who were using the campaign as a cover in their hostile takeover of Games Workshop"

Horus: "As if that weren't enough, desperate for money Games Workshop allowed renowned RPG developers Square-Enix to make a game based in the 40K universe. Unfortunately their inability to grasp basic British pessimism has resulted in a game full of cute fluffy aliens and happy Space Marines! This games is threatening to retro-actively turn the gothic nightmare of the forty-second millennium into J-pop themed hyperactive cute!"

Lion: "The forces of cute, heralded by those diabolical Moogle things, are rampaging through the galaxy"

Angron: "Also doing the same is the Zerg, who probably have some equally evil reason for being here aside from having revenge against Andy Chambers"

Vulkan: "While all this is going on, Rob, Alpharious and myself are undercover inside a Necron fortress-turned Tau outpost. I've read enough Black Library novels to know this won't end well for anyone ..."

Dorn: "Perturabo, Corax and myself are challenging an enthusiastic Ork warboss to a one-on-one fight"

Fulgrim: "Sanguinius, Mortarion and myself are running from the unstoppable servants of Slaanesh on a Daemon World"

Horus: "Lion, Lorgar, and me are searching for some Oracle of Oblivion ... and my arms ..."

Ferrus: "Magnus, Russ, and me are fighting the Nightbringer, which beats all the above for sheer awesome ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "And I beat all of them by taking on the Void Dragon by myself!"

Abaddon: "While the quest to recapture a Terra fallen to the C'tan is under my control. Which is somewhat amusing when you think about what I've done ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Yeah, I want the planet back when you've finished Ezzie"

Abaddon: "Damn ..."

Eldrad: "Anyway, that should serve as a rough catch-up ... what lies ahead for our heroes? PM me for spoilers"

Don't PM him. The following is taken from the Instant Warp Messaging service (provided by Warpsoft Ltd.) hosted by Abaddon the Despoiler in the preparations for the Second Siege of Terra:

EzzieInDaHouse has logged in. BigBadWolf has logged in.

Inferno! has logged in.

ChicksDigEmos has logged in.

PaintItBlack has logged in.

OldPwnage has logged in.

EzzieInDaHouse: OK, introductions people? For those of you too young to remember (most of you) I'm Abaddon

BigBadWolf: Noted. Logan Grimnar here.

ChicksDigEmos: Azrael.

PaintItBlack: Helbrecht

Inferno!: Dante

OldPwnage: Yarrick

EzzieInDaHouse: Yarrrick dude! U pwn!

Inferno!: hell yeah! Found gazgul?

OldPwnage: no.

ChicksDigEmos: :{

BigBadWolf: :{

PaintItBlack: :{

EzzieInDaHouse: no worries. U'll find him.

OldPwnage: :}

EzzieInDaHouse: anywyas .. terra!!!

BigBadWolf: libration1!!

PaintItBlack: dude, we need to get past the opribital defences!

ChicksDigEmos: orbital defences no problem ... we got planet killer!

EzzieInDaHouse: it'll need some careful aiming, but we can shoot ddown most of the platforms with ot

PaintItBlack: dudes! Planet killer!!

ChicksDigEmos: plaent kil;ler!!!!111

OldPwnage: pwnage!!

EzzieInDaHouse: pwnage!!

BigBadWolf: back to plan?

EzzieInDaHouse: logan need you to spearhead asasult with dante. Would love angron and russ, but they're busy.

BigBadWolf: hven't seen russ yet. Bjorn misses him.

EzzieInDaHouse: :{

PaintItBlack: :{

OldPwnage: planet killer!!!

Inferno!: planet killer!!1

EMPEROR OF MANKIND! has logged in.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: .com/albums/n...

EzzieInDaHouse: serious

PaintItBlack: /serious mode

OldPwnage: very serious

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: 1 thing to say: kick ass!

OldPwnage: planet killer!!1!!

Eldrad glances up from the hololithic console he was monitoring.

Eldrad: "I now know why nothing ever gets done around here ..."

Malcador: "Welcome to the Imperium of Man, please leave your complaint at the desk and we will get back to your descendants within the millennium"

Eldrad: "Think they'll make it?"

Malcador: "Not a chance"

As the Great Siege of Terra Part II: The Sequel continues, our heroes continue their epic quest to obtain the Six Keys of Carl, need to pass through the Gates of Varl and meet with the Fish of Time! Seriously, how much Things of Awesome can I fit into that sentence?

Anyway, on the Eldar Craftworld of Despair, Doom, and Certain Painful Death, Magnus, Russ and Ferrus continue their epic battle against the Nightbringer.

Fred: Incredibly high-pitch scream. I mean seriously through-your-head-like-a-pin-vice scream.

Ferrus: "Russ! Attack his weak spot for massive damage!"

Russ: "Does he look like a giant crab?"

Magnus: "No, he looks like our unfortunate and messy death if you don't shut up at hit him with the million-year-old ancient Eldar poking stick!"

Russ: "I like this spear, did the note say we can keep it?"

Magnus: "No, but you can ask him when he gets back"

Russ: "I thought Slaanesh ate him?"

Magnus: "No Slaanesh dated him. Emperor almighty how many times do I have to correct people on this?"

Ferrus: "Corrections later! Killing C'tan first!"

Russ: "Aye laddy, calm down. I can't concentrate with you all panicky like that, and could someone stop Fred screaming?"

Ferrus knocks Fred out with a flick of the wrist.

Russ: "Drastic, but it got the job done. Points to you laddy. Right, Mr. Cloak-and-shadows, shall we dance?"

Nightbringer: Brandishes scythe. "Certainly, but I warn you, this tango is simply to die for!"

Silence. Some crickets chirp.

Ferrus: "I suppose the humour disintegrates after the first few millennia"

Nightbringer: "You have no idea. Watch Arrested Development enough times and even that becomes boring"

Ferrus: "Oh that's just heresy. Russ – kick his ass!"

Russ: "What do you think I've been trying to do laddy? If it wasn't for all this dialogue exchange I would have been assigning my XP five minutes ago!"

Magnus: "How much do we get for killing a C'tan?"

Ferrus: "Enough to get my juicy purple epic gear no doubt. Did Vaul leave any other weapons by chance?"

Magnus: "Just the Dawnlight. Unless there's any others I've missed"

Ferrus: "You know the background better than I do"

Russ: "Only because you read it in bed"

Magnus: "It helps me get to sleep"

Russ: "You have no life, it breaks me to tell you this laddy but as your brother I feel I have a responsibility to lay bear these truths which hinder your ability to attract members of the opposite sex"

Magnus: "Bah. Women are overrated. My level 12 night elf druid? Now she's a damn fine girl"

Russ: "She's fictional"

Magnus: "No need to hurt her feelings ..."

Russ: "I swear sometimes I think razing Prospero was a service to mankind ..."

Ferrus: "Hey. Don't insult us geeks. You end up working for us in the end"

Magnus: "Look at Warpsoft. William Doorway, once a geek, now a multi-trillionaire"

Russ: "Money's not important. The touch of a good woman-"

Ferrus: "Shouldn't that be plural?"

Russ: "Was that supposed to be an insult? Because if you suggesting I've had many female partners is supposed to be negative ..."

Magnus: "That wasn't smart Ferrus"

Ferrus: "Hey, if you suggest a girl sleeps around is an insult, shouldn't it work the other way?"

Magnus: "No Ferrus. It's called a double standard. It doesn't work both ways"

Fred: "I object to that!"

Russ: "What? You think you've slept with more women than me?"

Fred: "Probably"

Ferrus and Magnus stare with mouths open.

Russ: "Wow ..."

Nightbringer: "Erm ... guys?"

Magnus: "Ferrus ... is this what they call love?"

Ferrus: "Dude. I think she's just confirmed herself to be a lesbian ..."

Fred: "No, I'm bisexual"

Mouths hang open once again.

Ferrus: "Magnus. This is love"

Russ: "Not to burst your bubbles lads ... but who's carrying the giant Eldar weapon-o-doom here?"

Fred: "And such a lovely compensation it is. My sympathy for your natural disability that requires such giant weapons to make you feel better about it"

Ferrus: "Dude ... pwned ..."

Russ: "Am not!"

Magnus: "Powned ..."

Ferrus: "Owned, dude, owned. Don't pronounce the 'p'"

Magnus: "Sorry ..."

Nightbringer: "Hey! Am I invisible here?"

Magnus: "I think the big scary god thing is trying to get our attention"

Ferrus: "Ignore it. Fred's bi – far more interesting"

Russ: "Agreed". Turns to Fred "So, a threesome with a lady friend of your choice?"

Nightbringer: "I'll be over there when you guys feel like advancing the plot ..."

Back in orbit around Terra ...

Eldrad: "Can't they concentrate on anything?"

Malcador: "They're Space Marines. Testosterone pumped up to max then add some. What do you expect? Did the Emperor not send them on this pointless quest to occupy them while we foiled Hasbro?"

Eldrad: "Well ... that's what I told him"

Malcador: "What?"

Eldrad: "Who's idea do you think this was? His? Bah. The Emperor couldn't fight his way out of close combat with a snotling unless someone rolled the dice for him"

Malcador: "Are you saying you've been behind everything?"

Eldrad: "Is that so surprising?"

Malcador: "But why? What's the point?"

Eldrad: "Well ... as it's just me and you here. The reason is-"

We interrupt this plot revelation to cut to our heroes Lion El'jonson, Horus, Lorgar, and Asdrubael Vect as they approach the world of Cali Forna, where looks are everything ... apparently ...

Horus: "So Bile's down there?"

Vect: "Last I heard. There's an orphanage there that deals with kids from parents consider them too ugly to associate themselves with. It's the closest one to Tenrise IV, which fits what I heard last time I chatted to Bile over Warp Messenger ..."

Lorgar: "Excellent. The sooner we get Horus his arms back the sooner we can find the Oracle of Oblivion and the location of the Final Key, and the sooner we can get back to the pub and wait for the others to finish their pointless quests ..."

Horus: "Who wants to bet we'll be first?"

Lion: "But ... the Moogles?"

Lorgar: "Hmm ... good point. I suppose we should warn someone before the universe collapses into a pile of cuteness ..."

Horus: "Arms first. Oracle next. Key then Moogles. Agreed?"

Lorgar: "Sounds good ..."

Lion: "... Agreed"

Lorgar: "How can you have a dramatic emphasis with only one word?"

Horus: "He did it"

Vect: "Amazing ... what are you doing tonight?"

Lorgar: "Despite his pretty-boy appearance, Lion is straight"

Vect: "You silly Humans and your sexual orientation crap. You should be like us Eldar!"

Horus: "And give birth to gods that eat your friends and neighbours?"

Vect: "Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time ..."

Horus: "Enough, this conversation is creeping me out, Vect is scaring me, and I want to scratch my own ass for the first time in millennia. Thrall – prepare our lander! I have an appointment with Bile!"

Vect: "Do you really?"

Horus: "No ... I'm hoping he'll let me in on the basis he gets to play with the living Horus instead of a splattered dead corpse this time"

Lorgar: "You're selling yourself to Bile? You must love your arms ..."

Horus: "You have no idea ... there are some things no one should ask Thrall to do ..."

Vect: Opens his mouth.

Horus: "No"

Meanwhile, in the Endless Hells of Kith ...

Konrad: "So ... any ideas?"

Khan: "The Key seems to be inside a volcano ... how much damage does lava inflict?"

Konrad: "Per round? It'll be Dangerous Terrain ... so a one in six change every few seconds of a wound with no save allowed ... we could last a minute or two ..."

Khan: "Hmm ... with no way of knowing where inside the Volcano the key is ... we cannot chance it ... we need a way of protecting ourselves from the heat ..."

Konrad: "Again ... this is where I wish Vulkan was with us. How do you think he's doing?"

Khan: "With Roboute and Alpharious? I do not wish to know. My mind must focus on the problem at hand. I shall meditate ... and let the spirits of the earth communicate with me. Perhaps they shall know of the answer I seek"

Konrad: "Right ... well ... good luck with that. I'll be over here trying to get a good signal on my Warpband. Perhaps I can Google something ..."

Khan: "Pah"

Konrad: "Laugh all you want ... ah here we are ... ah ... no ... no good ... guys?" He calls over to several Night Lord Marines milling about nearby. "A hand?"

Several minutes later, a single Night Lord Marine stands atop a balancing tower of his brothers with an aerial in hand. Konrad calls up from below.

Konrad: "Good job guys! I've got a strong signal here. Now no one move! I just need to Google 'lava protection' ... hmm ... why does it return the sex lives of fire elementals? Ah ... here we are ... Protection From Fire Level 10. Simple psyker card, available to Astartes Librarians ... so by default us Primarchs as well ... unless anyone has a problem with this by RAW?"

Marines: "No ... we're cool!"

Konrad: "Excellent ... Khan! I have a solution!"

Khan: "Good. The earth is silent. It does not wish to speak with me"

Konrad: "I wonder why ..."

Khan: penetrating gaze

Konrad: "Oh joy ..."

Elsewhere ...

Dorn: "Hmm ... where to find clues ... lots of Orks around here ..."

Blue-armoured guy: "Wonder why? Perhaps because this is an Ork-held world?"

Dorn: "Good point ... hey wait ... don't I know you from somewhere?"

Blue-armoured guy: "Probably. You look familiar. Only one guy I know can dress in yellow and still look bad ass"

Dorn: "Same with blue ... and I'm not talking about Rob ... wait! Allister Caine!"

Caine, Cygnar Warcaster: "Rogal Dorn!"

Dorn: "Wait ... what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Warmachine?"

Caine: "All capitals dude. It's company requirement"

Dorn: "Sorry ... WARMACHINE"

Caine: "Better. Well ... I'm searching for the others"

Dorn: "Others? What the hell? They're here?"

Caine: "Yeah. Half our special characters have gone missing, and last I heard they're here. They're looking for the Fish of Time too"

Dorn: "What for?"

Caine: "Best guesses? To swap GW and Privateer Press around so PP started it all first ..."

Dorn: "What? Why aren't you with them?"

Caine: "Me? I like being the little guy instead of the bloated, greedy corporation"

Dorn: "Good point ... so you think they're here ..."

Caine: "The Butcher and Karchev are ... I heard he's lined up to be Garlock's opponent next round. That is, until you showed up. Now Garlock's talking about a showdown between you guys and them to see who gets to face him and win the Hope Key ..."

Dorn: "I see ... a fight between gaming systems!" Clenches his fist. "Bring it on ..."

Who will win this titanic clash of awesome warriors of epic win? Tune in for the next chapter of Primarchs (which will be a little smaller than this one, I'm afraid!).

New Year Eve's Interlude

Master, although at least let me try my hand at more serious fiction before you land that title on me.

Fred: "So everyone had a good New Year?"

Magnus: "It was OK"

Perturabo: "Passable"

Vulkan: "Man, I've seen better"

Fred: "Wow ... what's with you guys? Ever heard of a little party cheer?"

Magnus: "My dear, when you've seen over 10,000 of them, another year isn't much"

Fred: "Oh ... good point. Guess I must seem a little young eh?"

Ferrus: "Practically jailbait in comparison"

Magnus: "What?"

Ferrus: laughs

Dorn: "Emperor almighty man, it'll be like a mortal dating an embryo"

Magnus: "WHAT?!?"

Fred: "Relax, they're just jealous I prefer the older, wiser type of man" Hooks her arm in Magnus' (and yes, the size difference is somewhat disturbing when you remember what Magnus now looks like (hint: Gargantuan)). "Shall we lose them?"

Magnus: "Yes, my dear. Do lets" As they walk off he gives the subtle 'I just pulled' look to Ferrus, who returns with the thumbs-up.

Ferrus: "Well ... guess Magnus won't be appearing in today's chapter"

Dorn: "Neither will you, because you two are in the same scene"

Ferrus: "Oh ... crap"

Horus: "Enough talking! I hope everyone had a good New Year! 2008 has arrived! The year of the Daemon! Ork! Vampire Counts! And possibly 5th Ed! For real! I now declare Chapter 27 ... begin!"

Er ... thanks.

Horus: "Anytime. I know I'm just awesome like that