Author's Notes: Reviews appreciated!
August 3, 1996
July 26, 1997
Dear Harry,
You don't know how hard it's been, having to walk around and pretend I'm excited at the prospect of killing Dumbledore. It's not only that, I have to actually think about it all the time, try and come up with ways to do it, make plans. It's horrible. And I don't even know if these plans will work.
I don't even know if I want them to.
Oh God, I can't believe I just wrote that. Of course I want them to. My family and I will die if they don't. But... maybe we're better off dead than murderers.
I just don't know anymore.
Of course I had to run into you at Diagon Alley. I don't know if I was glad by that or not. On one hand, it's you, and I've been dying to see you all summer. On the other hand, I had other things to do, and I knew you being around would just distract me. Which it did - I kept replaying that fight in Madam Malkin's when I was supposed to be focusing on other things.
Sorry about my mother, by the way, she can be a right snob at times. It took me ages to get rid of her; ever since she heard of my task, she's been molly-coddling me like hell. She's been badgering me to tell her my ideas, but I can't risk it.
I hate myself, I really do. You should have heard the way I was talking to Borgin. I don't like the man, admittedly (I rather detest him, actually), but to get my way I had to threaten and sneer and order. It got me what I wanted, though, even if I don't know if this plan will work.
I suppose I should write the plan down. Maybe it'll let me see it from another point of view. Alright, remember that cabinet Montague disappeared in once? It's got a pair in Borgin and Burke's, and I was thinking that if they were fixed, you could go through one and appear in the other. I don't have the faintest clue how I'll fix them, but it's all I've got at the moment.
I wish things were different. I wish Voldemort was dead, I wish we were friends (or possibly more?), I wish I didn't have to kill Dumbledore.
I wish people would stop calling you this 'Chosen One'. It's complete nonsense, right? I mean... you don't actually have to kill him, do you? I hope you don't. I don't ever want you to feel like this, the way I do, knowing I have to kill. It's terrible. I hope you don't have to bear the burden of it. That would be even more terrible.
At any rate, I guess I'll see you at Hogwarts soon.
Love,
Draco