Chapter 26
After the meeting in Dr. Mathias's office and the subsequent needles (five of them this time, shoved into various points on her arm) she finds it is easier to think. Things are still fuzzy, muted, but she can now hold a thought for longer than a few seconds.
Everything is still fuzzy and out-of-focus, but now some things are too sharp; the lights too bright, a laugh too loud. It hurts her eyes and her head and she longs for the time when she had no worries except for walking.
When she woke up, lying on her bed, she learned that it had been eight days that she had been like that. Sleepwalking, she called it.
Something had changed in that time, something she had missed. Students were more subdued, huddling in small groups and trying to avoid notice. They all avoided her; eyes widened at the sight of her and they turned away. Even Lauren and Tiri avoid her. Sometimes she senses their eyes on her but when she meets them they turn away quickly.
Tiri's gone in more ways than one. River has her own room now, with only one bed. She sometimes thinks maybe she should miss having a friend, but it is so much better having a place where she can cry as hard as she wants to without anyone noticing.
Her excursions around the school have been stopped, and every time she slips away the two men come and bring her back. For some reason she regards it as a challenge, one that she is determined to win.
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She stands in the lunchroom, gripping her tray so tightly her knuckles are white and her fingers twinge with pain. Everywhere students sit in clumps, their movements quick and fearful. Their eyes dart around the room fearfully and she represses the urge to glance over her shoulder to make sure no one's behind her.
She hesitates, hovering in the middle. No one looks at her, but she can feel their fear that she will sit with them; none of them want to attract attention, and River Tam seems to have the spotlight constantly on her.
Someone waves to catch her attention and she turns, hoping for Tiri. To her surprise it's Volger, sitting all alone at a table off to the side in the shadows, or at least as close as they can get in this bright light-filled school.
River pauses for only a second before moving quickly over to the table, trying not to notice the monitor's gaze following her, scrutinizing her every move.
When she takes her seat next to him, she sees Volger up close for the first time since this nightmare started, and what she sees scares her, and at the same time comforts her.
River remembers Volger as an arrogant boy who wanted to prove he was smarter than everyone. She had forgotten that he was in the program with her, and had been since the beginning. In his face she could see the emptiness that was on her own.
His eyes were filled with pain, and when he clenched his fist violently at the sudden clatter of a plate that left her dizzy with the echoing in her head she realized that he was the same as her.
His eyes were clearer, his grasp on the here and now tighter, but they were the same. He was looking at her as well, his expression one of complete exhaustion. She realizes he lost all of his friends like she did, that no one else is like them. They are hurt, yes, but they are all still whole. In Volger, she can see the cracks that begin to cover her, tiny little things that are so small they are barely visible as of yet.
"We're breaking," she says. She wants to tell him more; tell him about the nightmares and the two men with blue hands and the needles and the pain. She wants to tell him about the way the world is so blurred and so sharp at the same time, how she can't go outside or near other students because they trigger headaches so intense she just wants to die.
She doesn't though, because she can tell that he understands, and that he is the same. They are together, two fish trying desperately to swim upstream, two birds stuck in a cage.
He says nothing as he stares at the sandwich on his plate, not eating. She copies the gesture, telling herself she should eat but not able to summon up the appropriate amount of energy.
She is so tired now, tired of the noise and the fog in her mind. Tired of the needles and the doctors and trying to pay attention in class. She liked it better when time was a meaningless construct and she could wander around the school, lost in her own thoughts.
Or at least, in her mind. Back then she couldn't think thoughts, or else she can't remember doing so. Everything was numb and painless and silent. She didn't have to think or eat or sleep, though she knows she did at least two of the three.
River tries to formulate her thoughts, but its hard, so hard. She can't remember the last time she wrote to Simon, and she decides to do so. Maybe if she asks politely he will get her out, or at least pay her a visit. She misses him, his warm smile and ready laughter. Together they could play and dance and sing.
She misses dancing, because fighting is not dancing, even though she can adapt many moves from ballet. She is just contemplating whether she should inquire as to when her instructor is coming back when someone's touch on her back makes her stiffen violently.
It's Volger, of course, and she wonders who else it would be. An answer presents itself immediately but she pushes it away sharply and turns around.
Volger is standing there, waiting for her to get up. The lunchroom is empty, the clock on the wall saying that almost five hours and thirty minutes has passed. She wonders why no one told them; why time seems to move so quickly now, hours gone in the blink of an eye.
She scrambles up quickly, abandoning her untouched tray on the table. She is supposed to go to class, she knows this, it is an unspoken rule in this place. Now she has missed one class and half of another. She can live without free time.
She follows Volger down the hallways, trying very hard to make herself invisible to the cameras she knows are everywhere. She tries not to think about her success rate, but when no one appears she becomes marginally more cheerful.
They are just rounding the last corner for math class when she hears them behind her; their footsteps make a distinctive noise on the tile, slow and unhurried. She speeds up, almost running. Volger does as well, and at first she thinks he is responding to her, but when he glances over his shoulder she realizes he knows of them too, and is just as scared of them. The thought comforts her somewhat, to know she is not alone.
They arrive at the door to the classroom and she darts inside, trying to become invisible as she walks rapidly down the aisle and sits in her seat. Students glance at her and then look away; the teacher continues as if nothing has happened. She is discussing some mathematical concept that River knows she has already learned, but the words fall out of her mouth all jumbled up and she bites her lip to keep back a shriek.
In the seat next to her Tiri shifted slightly, her eyes flicking quickly to River's face and then away. River wants to ask what is bothering her, but she knows already. She wants to see if she is okay, but is too afraid to ask. River knows she is not okay, that she won't be okay again as long as she is here, but decides not to tell Tiri that. She knows already, they all do.
Tiri scratches something down on the paper they have to use and River realizes they are supposed to be taking notes. The pencil and the paper sit in front of her, waiting for use. She almost picks up the pencil, but then her hand falls back down.
The teacher stares at her and she stares back. She is tired of playing by their rules, and this teacher is not someone she is frightened of. The teacher looks away first, glancing down at her desk on the pretext of finding a paper.
She stands up, her chair scraping on the floor. She bites back a wince and turns, walking out of the classroom, ignoring the stares. On her way out she catches Volger's eye. He stares at her, and his expression is immeasurably sad. She can feel it fixed on the back of her head until the door shuts behind her, and even then she can feel the memory of it.
She pauses in the hallway, suddenly unsure. She wants to go home, she wants to sleep. She wants to be real again, to touch something and know that it is there and not a figment of her imagination. Everything here has taken on a nightmare quality, unreal and blurred at the edges.
She's walking before the thought has fully formed in her mind, her feet guiding her onwards. She breaks into a run, feet slapping the floor, not realizing she has no shoes until the cold hits her feet.
She can remember putting on her shoes, tying the laces, but she can't remember when she took them off. She turns the corner and thinks maybe it was outside the math classroom. Another corner and she has forgotten what she was thinking about, another and she is there.
River stops outside the abandoned dance room, glancing around to make sure she is truly alone before opening the door and walking inside.
The place has an air of neglect to it, and she realizes that no one has been in here since the instructor left. She spins, not dancing but examining, and sees the whirl of motion as the mirrors reflect her back.
Mirrors are on every wall, covering every inch. Ten, twenty, thirty Rivers look back at her. All have the same pale face, the same heavy black hair and large dark terrified eyes. They all wear the same too-large gray sweatshirt and jeans.
River bites back a sob at the naked fear in her eyes, the way her body is curled in on itself, the way her arms wrap around her middle like she is holding herself together. She doesn't like it, the reflection doesn't look like her. She's supposed to be happy and full of life, not like a corpse.
She steps closer to the mirror in front of her, looking for any hint of her former self. One hand presses up against the mirror, smudging the cool glass. She doesn't care and steps closer, pressing her forehead against the glass and raising her other hand.
She doesn't know how long she stands there, letting the silence eat away at the headache that has been building all day long. When she looks up again, feeling more relaxed than she has in a long time, she sees a flash of blue in the mirror.
She whirls with a scream, her back slamming into the mirror. The two men stand there; the tall one expressionless, the shorter one looking almost amused. She pushes herself flat against the glass, trying to blend. The reflections of herself across the room do the same, trying and failing.
"Why aren't you in class?" asks the shorter one calmly. There's something about his face that suggests he is about to start smiling, though she imagines his face will shatter. His partner's definitely would, and she almost giggles as the thought occurs to her.
She stops it before it bursts out, though it's a struggle. She's not sure entirely why the idea strikes her as so funny, but it does anyways.
The man repeats his question, more impatiently this time, and she cringes slightly, thinking that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea after all to walk out. No answer comes to mind so she stays silent.
The shorter man frowns and the taller man moves forwards, walking towards her. She closes her eyes, rashly deciding that the childhood trick might work. It doesn't and she feels someone grab her arm and drag her forwards. She decides that she doesn't want to open her eyes or go with them and she lets herself go as limp as possible, a trick she used to pull on Simon.
The man almost drops her as she collapses downwards, barely managing to stop her before she hit the floor. He shakes her roughly and she stays as still as possible, trying not to react. There is the sound of more feet and then someone grabs her other arm, pulling her upright easily.
She tenses instinctively, waiting for a blow. Instead there is only a small pop that reminds her of something.
"If you are going to sleep Ms. Tam, you might as well do it properly." The voice is right next to her and she jumps, abruptly remembering what the sound was and trying to pull herself away just as the shorter man twists her arm painfully, inserting the needle into her bloodstream.
Her mind goes fuzzy and she falls to the floor as their hands release her, landing painfully on her wrist. She tries to open her eyes, managing a brief flutter, and sees a puddle of black and white and blue in the mirror. Then her eyes slide close again
She does not open them again.