My Boys Drabbles– Lucas (Part Two)
Owen strolled through the busy ER corridors, making his way to the cafeteria. Within seconds, he spotted the table where some of his closest work colleagues were having lunch and joined the group. Not ten minutes after, his wife came towards them carrying her own tray.
"Hey guys," She smiled at Maggie and Alex before taking a seat next to her best friend.
Maggie noticed that even though Amelia had smiled sympathetically to everyone, she had reserved a particularly dangerous glare for Owen, before ignoring him completely. The way Owen impatiently rolled his eyes before focusing again on his meal also didn't go unnoticed.
"What's going on?" Maggie quizzically asked, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. She looked from Owen to Amelia, expecting an answer but neither of them seemed to want to give any.
"Nothing," Amelia said, bothered by the long lasting silence that had taken over.
"Then why are you looking at Hunt like you're about to kill him?" Alex intervened with his typical serenity before taking a bite of his lunch.
Amelia looked from her friends to her husband and then back at Maggie, carefully breathing out through her nose in an attempt to control her anger.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Amelia replied and instantly looked at her plate, unconsciously avoiding eye contact not to give away her lie.
"Please," Owen scoffed and stared at her, looking baffled.
Amelia had promised herself the day before that she wasn't going to address another word to her husband until he apologized to her, but hearing his sarcasm made the blood rush inside her veins.
"I'm not talking to you," She snapped, angrily holding onto the fork in her hand.
"What did you do?" Maggie carefully asked, not really directing the question to any of them.
"Owen locked the nursery!" Amelia complained out loud, unable to keep her promise of ignoring him completely. "And he hid the key!"
"What?" Maggie asked in confusion.
Amelia was now thirteen weeks pregnant and she and Owen had just started the renovation of their spare bedroom to turn it into a nursery. Owen had expressed his desire to assemble things and paint the walls himself and Amelia had been full on board with the idea. But when she had started stubbornly carrying things around, even though Owen had asked her several times not to exceed herself physically, he hadn't thought twice before shutting the door and keeping her away of all the furniture boxes.
"Your friend was carrying a tool box even though I repeatedly asked her to not do any weightlifting," Owen stared at his wife judgingly before focusing on the thoracic surgeon again, but his voice was calm and reasonable. "I told her twice to focus on other things instead of carrying a box but she wouldn't listen. If she needed something, she could have just asked instead of going after it herself," Owen looked from Maggie back to Amelia. "So you really didn't leave me much of a choice, did you?"
"Stop treating me like I'm a kid!" Amelia chided, unreasonably. She knew Owen was right and she shouldn't have been carrying weight while pregnant, but she honestly didn't think the boxes were that heavy. Amelia would have been able to overlook all of that if it weren't for Owen's calm and serene attitude. He had promptly locked the door to the nursery and kept the key hidden, rationally talking to her while all Amelia wanted to do was scream and hit him with her fists. She hated how he was able to control his emotions, like he had any right to treat her like a pouting toddler.
"I will, if you stop behaving like one," Owen answered unaffectedly, making Amelia's anger grow even more.
"I'm not talking to you," Amelia decided, adamant to keep her promise this time.
"You do know you live with me, right?" Owen asked ironically, knowing her mood swings had a lot to do with the pregnancy, but determined to make sure she didn't put herself at any risk.
"I'm not talking to you until you apologize," Amelia grumpily repeated, grabbing her water bottle with fury.
"You just talked to me," Owen provoked her, unable to contain himself.
Amelia's chair screeched against the ground as she violently got up and walked away.
Maggie looked from her friend's figure already on her way out to Owen, who kept eating like nothing had happened.
"Don't enable her," He advised Maggie, focusing on his meal. "She'll come around."
"You're mean," Maggie frowned, bothered by the situation but believing Owen had reason.
The trauma surgeon let out a discreet chuckle before calmly adding:
"I just do what needs to be done. Amelia knows that. She is angry because her arguments are invalid. When she is calm enough, I'll talk some sense into her. Don't worry, I got this."
Owen spoke with such propriety that Maggie actually believed him, acknowledging that probably for the first time in her life, Amelia was learning how to deal with hearing a 'no'.
.
"Hey!" April happily approached Owen at the nurses' station, putting down the tablet of the patient she had just assessed.
As usual, Owen replied with a discreet smile and a head nod. April had always known her friend was economic with words and his attitude didn't surprise her.
"I just had your wife over for a neuro consult," April added with a good mood. "I mean, your very angry wife. What's going on? Are you guys okay?"
Owen let out a heartfelt chuckle, realizing how bad Amelia was at hiding her emotions. Even her co workers noticed it.
"She is just angry at me because she's stubborn," Owen dismissed the importance of the fight, knowing that it wasn't serious.
"Oh, okay," April felt glad to hear it. "I was worried, but I'm glad it's all alright, then." The trauma surgeon added while reaching out for another patient file.
"Why?" Owen furrowed his eyebrows. "Why were you worried, I mean?"
April noticed how startled he was at her confession and quickly tried to fix it, realizing she had worried him for no reason.
"Oh, I didn't mean anything specific!" She hurried to explain. "It's just that she's pregnant… you know."
"Yeah, I know," Owen frowned harder, looking conspicuously at April while looking for answers. When he realized his friend wasn't talking he felt the need to ask. "Your point is…?"
April put down the new file she'd grabbed back on the counter and took a deep breath, looking like she was debating whether to talk or not.
"Well, you see… Last time Amelia thought she was pregnant I found her in the bathroom and she didn't seem okay at all. So I asked her if she'd found the test results and told you, and then she told me about her other time." April lowered her voice, trying to be discreet.
Owen kept staring at her as if expecting an explanation but nothing else came.
"Told you what?" Owen straightforwardly asked. Women could be so complicated sometimes. He really didn't have any talent to deal with their enigmas.
April once again hesitated but opted for talking.
"Amelia confessed to me that last time she was pregnant, she didn't have to tell the father," April shared, hoping she wasn't being intrusive on Amelia's personal life or saying things she shouldn't be saying. But she firmly believed her friend was the happiest he had been in a while and she had a feeling Amelia loved him back with sincerity. It was no secret both Amelia and Owen had gone through a lot of personal drama and April had a feeling that while they were great together most of the time, sometimes they had trouble communicating, which could lead to severe misunderstandings. "I thought maybe she was having a hard time adjusting to going through this with someone by her side… You know, someone actually being there and taking care of her. I imagine it's hard to accept something, especially something good, when you know how awful it feels to be without it."
Owen frowned, looking from his friend to the empty space in front of them. Kepner knew too well about loss and fear of getting a second chance at happiness, because she had once experienced how painful it was when the outcome wasn't the expected. April could nearly see the engines moving inside Owen's head as he obviously tried hard to connect a lot of dots and make sense of the situation as a whole.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry or…"
"Not at all," Owen interrupted her with a sympathetic smile. "I hadn't thought of that. Maybe you are right," He shrugged, stuffing his hands inside his white coat pockets. It didn't surprise him that Amelia would be scared and fearful regarding the pregnancy but he hadn't really considered how much she could be struggling with accepting and believing his support. "I mean, I don't regret what I did, but maybe I should take it easier on her. I'm fully on her side, she has to know that."
"She knows you love her, Owen." April added with a friendly smile.
"Yeah, I do." He embarrassingly confessed, unable to contain a large smile.
"How is the baby?" April asked, seeing the sparkle in his eyes at the mention of the pregnancy.
"It's great," Owen confessed, his entire face lighting up at the thought of the child Amelia was carrying. "Growing visibly. Some of Amelia's pants aren't fitting her anymore. We're about to have the thirteen week sonogram, actually."
"That's amazing," April agreed.
"Yeah, I think Amelia's anxiety about it is adding to her bad mood," Owen shared, trying to think things through. He reached out and got one of the patient files, ready to resume work. "Anyway, thanks for asking. I'll let you know when I know more," He promised.
"Please, do," April replied excitedly, once again picking up the tablet before heading to a consult room.
.
Owen paced back and forth in the living room of his house. He'd spent the entire afternoon carefully going over a lot of things.
Not long ago, Amelia had told him the story of how she'd lost her son. He vividly remembered the day he had stood by her side and held her next to her son's grave in Los Angeles while she confessed to him the tragic circumstances in which her baby had been conceived, born and died soon after.
Owen knew Amelia had been alone at the time and when she'd first shared the news of the pregnancy with him, he had made sure his wife knew she wasn't going to be by herself anymore. But he supposed that even though their relationship had become more solid and based on trust ever since, it was to be expected that she still felt some anxiety and insecurity.
His thoughts were vanished from his mind when Owen heard a click at the front door. Seconds after, his wife walked in, shrugging off her coat from her shoulders while still shivering from the chilly wind outside.
"Hey," Owen sheepishly started, getting up from the couch.
Amelia planned to ignore him completely, for she was still very angry about their stupid fight the previous day. But something in Owen's expression caught her attention. Instead of reserved indifference, there was a shadow of worry and humility lingering on his face. And he was looking at her with the most caring blue eyes. She knew that look. It was the same one Owen had on whenever he tried to comfort her.
Amelia just wasn't sure why exactly he was trying to comfort her.
Her eyes traveled from his face to the door next to the living room. The nursery was unlocked and Amelia quickly spotted the key placed on the coffee table, obviously at her disposal.
"There, you can go in if you want…" Owen said, measuring his words. "I am sorry if you feel I overreacted but I don't regret doing what I did. I was worried about you and I didn't know what else to do." He took a deep breath, clearly uneasy about the situation. "I am used to controlling things and doing them my way and it's very hard for me to deal with the fact that I can't control you." He took a pause, trying to rationally say what he needed to say. "I am sorry if I came off as bossy. It wasn't my intention to give you orders or make you feel patronized. I'm going to try and take it easier," Owen confessed with total honesty.
Amelia stood still, pondering the meaning of his words. She had come feeding on rage, ready to have a new heated argument, almost hoping for one. The surgeon hadn't been the least bit ready for a sincere, heartfelt confession and an apology.
"I guess you had a point…" She broke eye contact with him, too stubborn to admit she had her share of guilt. "There really was no need to carry boxes around."
"The key is here and you're free to help me set up the room as much as you'd like," Owen tilted his head and placed his hands in his pockets, taking a deep breath before continuing. "But I swear to God, Amelia, if I catch you carrying a tool box or escalating furniture again, I won't lock the room and hide the key," He stared deeply into her eyes. "I'll lock you in it and then hide the key." Owen added with a mirthful smile.
His playful threat broke Amelia's defenses and she let out a chuckle, honestly happy that they were back to being themselves. She had been trying to avoid thinking about the ultrasound check the following day for the entire past week and being angry at Owen had helped her distract her mind. But deep down, Amelia knew she wasn't being reasonable and was taking out her frustrations and fears on him. Taking large strides in his direction, she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned forward for a comforting hug.
Owen held her close and gave his wife a kiss on the head, deeply satisfied they weren't fighting anymore.
"I think we should talk," He informed her with a gentle but serious tone.
Amelia instantly lifted her face from the curve of his neck and searched for his eyes.
"Why?" She hurried to ask, nervously. "What's wrong?"
Owen smiled at her restlessness and gently made her sit down on the couch beside him. The conversation he'd had with April earlier that day had made him think things through over and over in his mind.
At that point, he was well aware of many events that had happened in his wife's past, including her addiction and the awful way she had lost someone she loved. Not too long after, she had found out she was carrying that man's child and after struggling with the idea, she had accepted it only to find out that the baby had a condition incompatible with life. Amelia had gone through hell and a big part of it she'd had to face alone. He admired her resilience and strength, and completely understood her reservations and fears about conceiving a baby again.
Her traumas from the past had nearly jeopardized their marriage once and Owen was glad they had been able to work through it, because he felt it had only made them stronger. He wanted more than anything that their commitment to one another worked out and in order to do that, Owen had learned that it was better if they communicated and talked about their fears, instead of keeping their thoughts and emotions in while unconsciously blaming their partner for not being able to guess them.
"I wanted to ask you something," Owen carefully began, feeling like he was tiptoeing around the subject. They were in a good place at the moment and he didn't want to cause his wife pain by bringing up bad memories, at the same time he wanted everything to be out in the open. "You know we have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow. How are you feeling about it?"
Amelia frowned at the completely unexpected question. She had no idea what had motivated Owen to ask that but after a few seconds, it made her proud to realize that he had been considerate enough to be curious about her emotions. He obviously knew what she had been through and cared about what she was feeling with the possibility of getting another round of bad news.
"I'm scared," The words left Amelia's lips before she could contain them. When she spoke, it felt like a huge knot had been undone in her throat. "God, Owen, I am so scared," She confessed, unable to hold her emotions any longer.
"Hey, hey…" Owen leaned over and hugged her, hating to see the woman he loved being assaulted by tears. "It's going to be alright, okay? Our baby is fine. You are fine. Don't be distressed," He assured her, determined to calm her down. "I didn't mean to make you more anxious, I…"
"No," Amelia interrupted him and held his face between her hands, feeling grateful for his concern. "It's been consuming me during all this time and I just… I don't know. But talking about this helps me calm down, actually. I'm glad you asked me."
"Why didn't you tell me you were this nervous?" Owen looked at her with loving eyes.
"I feel guilty to be thinking about that," Amelia confessed, referring to the possibility that something could be wrong with their child. "I don't want to attract bad things, so I'm trying to stay positive. I am sure our baby is fine," She defensively took her hand to her slightly visible thirteen week bump.
"Yes," Owen admired her positive attitude. Despite everything she'd been through, even with all her fears and insecurities, Amelia still hoped for the best and he loved that about her. "But, babe, you can talk to me. You know that, right?" He asked, feeling a bit embarrassed for being repetitive. He didn't want to force her into anything. Owen took one hand to her face and placed one lock of her smooth dark hair behind her ear. "You're not alone anymore." He said, knowing the words would have a strong impact on her.
As he predicted, Amelia's emotional state shifted and it became clear when her eyes were filled with unshed tears.
"I know," Amelia replied with total conviction. Having gone through her first pregnancy all by herself, especially after losing the baby's father and going through rehab, had scarred her pretty deeply.
"Do you realize how amazing you are?" Owen asked with pride stamped in his eyes. "You could have chosen different things…" He listed, thinking back about the question he had asked his wife when she'd first told him about the pregnancy and his insecurity about her keeping it had arisen. "You could have terminated it but you chose to take the pregnancy to full term just so you could help others… That is absolutely generous…" Owen added with admiration and pride. "I don't even know what to say."
Amelia felt his arms wrapping around her as he pulled her in for another hug. While she clung to his shirt, welcoming his comforting touch, her mind wandered back to a time where she had been dealing with the discovery of her unplanned gestation.
She could vividly remember struggling to accept the idea and then when presented with the opportunity to terminate the pregnancy, Amelia had finally realized what she had decided all along. It had been years, but she could still see herself outside of Sheldon's office, telling him she could never get rid of Ryan's baby. It had been before she found out her son was anencephalic, but the baby's medical condition hadn't changed Amelia's heart. She had made the decision to keep him before any of that.
"Actually," Amelia started, nervously biting her lower lip. "I chose to carry my anencephalic baby to term so I could donate his organs but before I knew he didn't have a brain, I had already decided to keep him," She confessed, feeling relieved to be finally talking about it. Amelia had kept those memories in a buried place and it felt good to finally let them out and share them with someone she trusted. Talking about things had proved to be an excellent way to help process and overcome pain she had long ago decided to ignore. "I could never abort a baby that was conceived from love. I mean," She hesitated, visibly struggling with her words. "We didn't know I was already pregnant at the time but we had already discussed starting a family. We talked about it right before everything happened and decided we were going to do it, but…" Amelia looked up from Owen's shirt to his eyes. "He never got to know I was already pregnant." She shared those feelings for the first time since it had happened. "And I'm sure he would have been thrilled at the idea, so I couldn't abort his baby. I don't think I could ever abort a child, but especially not in that situation. I would never be able to live with myself if I did it."
Her confession had been so heartfelt and honest that Owen felt like he was being stabbed in the heart. He sympathized with her pain and wanted more than anything that she never had to go through something similar, ever again.
But he also couldn't help drawing parallels between Amelia's past experiences and his own.
His ex wife had been pregnant with his child while they were still married. At the time, they'd been financially stable, leading successful careers, fully capable of welcoming and providing for a child. And yet, for personal reasons, she had opted to get rid of the baby. Owen didn't judge Cristina for using her right to choose whether or not to be a mother, but he did judge her for not letting him be a part of her decision to get rid of their child. When he'd married her, the idea of having children in a happy marriage had been so absolutely enchanting to him that never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that other people wouldn't be seduced by it too. His biggest mistake had been to believe Cristina could change her mind and later on, expect her to change it. She hadn't ever and he was to blame for hoping so hard that she did, while investing all of himself in the process.
Meanwhile, Amelia had been all alone, having lost the person she loved and just out of a difficult rehab process. At the time, she didn't have any security or support system and yet she had chosen to keep the baby because she believed family meant more than anything. To Amelia, the idea of having and loving a child was way more fulfilling than winning an award. Owen could completely relate to that. He admired the idea and shared it. His wife had lost a child in tragic circumstances and even though she could have got rid of it sooner, sparing herself from further pain, she hadn't because her motherly love had been greater than anything else.
Owen knew that people were different and they thought and felt differently. He respected that. But the fact that Amelia was completely synchronized with his own hopes and dreams made him realize, for the hundredth time, that she was absolutely the right person for him. And he adored her with all his heart. Amelia had become the love of his life and every day she unknowingly taught him more about how selfless love truly was.
"You loved him very much, didn't you?" Owen asked, hating that he was feeling like an insecure jealous teenager.
Amelia looked up at him, surprised by the question.
"Yeah," She noticed the estranged look on her husband's face. "I guess I did." She distractedly added, more focused on figuring out why his previously warm expression had suddenly turned into a cold and distant gaze. "But it really doesn't matter now," Amelia concluded, hoping to avoid a conversation that wouldn't lead them anywhere.
"Yes," Owen agreed, feeling an uneasy wave of insecurity assaulting him. "Anyway, you're probably hungry, right? You should eat," He decided, determined to ignore all those feelings that were unexpectedly making him uncomfortable.
Amelia really felt like she was starving so there was no protest against the idea of dinner. She was exhausted from the stressful day and her mind couldn't stop over thinking about the sonogram she was getting the following morning. Without another word, Amelia went to their bedroom to shower as Owen went to the kitchen to cook dinner for them.
While his wife relaxed in the hot water, the trauma surgeon tried to focus on the food he was preparing but his thoughts were far away from the kitchen. He couldn't help feeling the worst he'd felt in weeks.
At the same time Owen was blissfully happy and excited with the baby that was growing inside his wife, after the things she'd confessed to him that evening, he couldn't help but wonder if she had ever compared him to the man she had once loved and lost.
Owen also had had a significant relationship in the past but before he even met Amelia, he had already divorced Cristina, accepting that the intense and toxic relationship they'd had was finally over. He had freed himself from the emotional attachment, choosing to walk away from it.
But Amelia hadn't decided to leave the man she'd once loved. They had never brokenup, much on the contrary, they had just been making plans to take their relationship further. But on the course of it, he had died and maybe if he hadn't, she might have still been with him up to that day. Owen lowered his gaze from the kitchen wall to the vegetables he was slicing. Maybe if those tragic circumstances hadn't hit, Amelia would be living with someone else. The idea of his wife in the arms of another man made Owen cringe with anger and jealousy and his knuckles turned white when he tightened his grip around the knife he was holding.
Amelia had been in love with someone who had, judging by what Owen knew, obviously shared nothing but happy moments with her. A guy who had loved her and made her promises she fully intended to embark on. A person who shared her addiction and who Amelia probably felt was more able to understand her than anybody else did.
And he had died right amidst all of the planning and hoping. Amelia hadn't chosen to walk away from that relationship, she had been forced to. And if she had just agreed to start a family with him, it was obvious she had been in love with him.
Owen wondered if every time they had a fight, Amelia thought about her ex lover and compared the two of them, if every time he loved her, his wife wished he was another man, the one she had tragically lost. The notion made Owen sick to his stomach and he stopped himself from spiraling down even further, forcing himself to conjecturing about idiotic ideas.
He couldn't compete with a ghost, it wasn't fair. Whatever memory Amelia had of the man she'd lost, it should be kept in the past because the guy wasn't there, but Owen was. And it was his baby that Amelia was carrying, not anyone else's. Their dream of being a family was finally coming true and nothing else mattered. The following morning, Amelia was finally getting that sonogram they both had been so anxiously waiting for. But once he got distracted with preparing dinner again, his mind wandered far again. And Owen couldn't help wondering if, even after finding out if everything was alright with their baby, he would still be able to sleep at night in total peace, knowing that there was a good chance he would never really be the real choice in Amelia's life.