Chapter 26: Words Left Unspoken

"Hell, don't try to guilt trip me with your 'by the book' routines, it ain't working." - John Shepard

In which Shepard nearly loses another friend.

When bringing feet to Utukku's heated soil, Shepard could already feel the slight sweat by his brows, but otherwise found himself appreciative of the fact that the planet had an atmosphere making it unnecessary for humans and other aliens to wear helmets. It could get hot as hell in those damn things, so not having to bear through the discomfort was an eased burden. Wrex forgot to mention that Grunt was leading the Aralakh Company.

Shepard didn't have the luxury of speaking with the Normandy crew while he was in house arrest, especially not those connected to Cerberus, so he felt somewhat out of the loop. He hadn't spoken with Legion, Tali, Samara or Zaeed in quite some time, having no idea where they were, but the rest he had encountered in the past few weeks. Hearing from them would put his mind at ease.

Grunt had gained quite a few scars obtaining the krogan's respect who didn't look kindly upon tank-bred krogans, but thanks to Shepard, he was able to finish the krogan's Rite of Passage and was accepted into Clan Urdnot. He hadn't been present when the krogans battled the rachni all those years ago in the Rachni Wars, but his Warlord Okeer had implanted intel on them, and Shepard couldn't help but feel responsible for him. After Shepard got him out of that tank, Grunt was kind of like his kid.

Arriving at a nearly destroyed building after battling several rachni workers - obviously influenced by the reapers thanks to their unnatural structure - Shepard could feel the concrete giving in below him. His eyes went wide at the sudden motion of the building being about to tip, a bench nearly hitting him, but he managed to doge it.

"Look out! The whole thing's coming down!" Grunt called.

Shepard's heart raced ten times faster, not having any means of escaping, eyes drifting to a cut out lodge by an opening about ten feet away from him. He pushed himself away from the wall, attempting to move towards it, only to see the building loosen entirely. The ground wasn't too far below him, so his attention settles at the ground beneath, taking speed before he threw himself out the opening. He mended his fall by a forward roll, unfortunately unsuccessful, as he ended up on his back with a loud groan.

So much for 'being careful.'

His thought process was interrupted as he became aware of his surroundings. Still lying on his back, he blinked before planting a hand on the floor, pushing himself up into sitting position. His arms moved to rest at his knees. It was some kind of a nest down there.

Pushing himself onto his feet, he brushed off the dust that formed away on his N7 armor.

He looked up at Garrus and Liara. "Everyone all right?"

"Spirits, you were the one taking the fall here." Garrus' talons encountered the concrete above before he dropped down to Shepard's level, and Liara quickly followed "...and you're calling me reckless?"

"Nothing a year of therapy won't fix," he replied.

"Shepard!" Grunt called from above, looking down. "You in one piece?"

He drew his assault rifle. "Looks like we're all okay," he replied, before taking another quick look around him. "You're in luck, Grunt. There's a nest down here. See if you can find a way around and meet up with us. Keep in radio contact."

After all, Grunt loved fighting rachni.

Venturing further into the cave-like area, they run into some sort of webbing being spread all over, although it wasn't normal webbing. It was thick as hell, so you couldn't exactly wipe the stuff away with your hand. Shepard had thankfully found a flamethrower by a fallen krogan to make it easier for them to continue on. Shepard was convinced that the webbing was apparent because the rachni were probably protecting something, or someone, down in the lower passages. He was determined to find out what.

Grunt backed into the cave as he finished off the remaining rachni that had followed his team in. Aware of Shepard's presence, he turned, giving him an appreciative nod as the rest of the krogans scouted the area.

"Thanks, Shepard. That wasn't webbing stopping us," Grunt said, and heaved himself to the same level. "That was reaper tech."

"We ran into it, too."

They had mostly cleared the area, but there were yet holdouts where they remained. The rachni had backed off, at least for now, but were probably planning a full-on attack after they had collected their numbers to get an advantage up against them.

Grunt's glance wandered to the nest. "We'll dig in there, kill anything that moves, buy you some time."

"Good luck."

Shaking his head, Grunt approached his team. "I don't need luck. I have ammo," he said, passing him. Shepard smirked. Grunt pulled out his shotgun. "Krogan! Get ready!"

The pathway ahead towards the main chamber was pretty damn narrow, so they had to crawl a small distance, before approaching a far more open area. His eyes widened at the sight. Not in a million years had he expected what he saw. Before him, he sees the very same rachni queen he had saved on Noveria in her full glory. She was trapped.

Shepard touched his earpiece. "Grunt, we've located the central chamber."

The ground team had to fight their way over to her seeing that the remaining rachni were protecting her with their lives. There was obvious reaper tech all around them, and if he wasn't going crazy, he could swear the rachni queen was speaking through krogan corpses. Garrus took a curious step towards them, Shepard holding him back with an arm, not trusting the small amount of distance put between them. The rachni had retreated back into their relay like they promised back on Noveria, but the reapers interfered, indoctrinating them. She wanted Shepard to free her.

Taking a step forward, he asked, "Are you capable of fighting the reapers?"

"We hate the machines. We will fight for our unborn children," she replied, attempting to pry her foot out of the last shackle that was holding her back. "Release us!"

Garrus turned to him. "She's badly wounded. She needs too much time to escape!"

"Shepard, we're out of time!" Grunt called over the comm link, Shepard moving two fingers to the transmitter. "We stay here, Aralakh Company dies! Is that clear?"

Ruthless calculus.

The rachni queen could equip them with her rachni workers to help out in defeating the reapers, benefiting them greatly, as the reapers could no longer control them. Her hatred towards the sentient machines was clear so she would fight until her last breath. In doing so, helping her escape, Grunt had proven a point that he barely had the time to reflect on. Aralakh Company would die. This sure as hell wasn't the first time he had been forced to make a tough decision, it came with the territory, but that unquenched feeling of guilt in his gut had vanished long ago.

Everything he cared about was winning this damn war.

"Listen up! Aralakh Company holds the rachni off while the queen escapes," he commanded, not skipping a beat. "We'll buy you some time." He twirled his back to her. "Grunt, fall back to our position and lead us out!"

"Damn you, Shepard! I'm leaving my team. On my way!"

Liara looked concerned. "Commander..."

"That's an order!" he snapped, beginning to move towards the shackle. "She's too valuable an asset to lose!" He raised his pistol up to destroy the shackles holding her back, took a deep breath before he pulled the trigger. With a shriek, the rachni queen was released, forcing her foot up from the fastenings and pulling out.

Shepard moved two fingers to his earpiece. "Now get us outta here!"

It didn't take too long before the wall beside them was blasted open with a shotgun, Grunt stepping forward, the dismantled look on his face revealing his disapproval. But Grunt respected Shepard, and he would follow his lead, no matter what. They took to running-and-gunning as the indoctrinated rachni were aware of the queen's escape, drawn to their direction like seeker swarms, attempting to stop them from escaping. Eventually ending up in a far tighter quarter, they took cover next to the cave wall, having spotted the waves of rachni lying before them.

Think, Shepard... think.

He gave Grunt a look, expecting an input. But when his eyes glazed his way, Grunt's own already bore into his own, his breathing heavier as he looked at him. Shepard's expression fell. He knew.

"The shuttle's down that path!" Grunt called, shooting a glance to the pathway before looking back. "I'll hold them off."

As the words escaped his mouth, even as expected as they were, Shepard couldn't help the lump forming in his throat - swallowing it hard down - not moving his posture by an inch. He just stood there, looking, his body unable to respond. He wouldn't - couldn't - see another member of his crew die. The war had taken its toll. It was only a matter of time before he would break entirely.

Grunt shoved him back, breaking him from his trance. "Get outta here, Shepard!"

His jaw clenched. For a moment, his glance drifted the rachni's way, knowing it was the right decision when he turned back. That didn't make it any easier. The skin around Grunt's eyes had drawn tight. The determination emitted was clear.

He was a true krogan.

Not trusting himself to speak, Shepard gave him a court nod and reached out, a gloved hand giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze before he gestured the ground team to get moving. As he did, Grunt turned towards the rachni, his shotgun warm and ready to fire.

"My turn..." Grunt murmured, his shotgun raised as he released his characteristic laugh.

Shepard felt nothing but guilt when he was safe, walking at a distance behind Garrus and Liara towards the shuttle, contemplating if it truly was the right choice. He knew Grunt. He was the strongest krogan that he had ever met, so god, he wasn't ignorant enough to believe that the kid - hell, he was still a kid - couldn't handle himself. He might be young but age said little these days. Shepard wasn't ignorant to the fact that there was a chance that it could go sideways. He knew that he couldn't save everyone.

The worst part was who it always entailed.

Ash, sacrificing herself to save the mission - a mission where he was forced to choose between a close friend and the man he loved. Pressly, going down with the first Normandy - a sudden explosion drawing the breath straight out of his lungs. Thane, sacrificing himself to save a councilor - an understanding that his disease would make it harder for him to recover. Mordin, for atoning for his past mistakes - a choice to give his own life so that a whole species could continue on living.

Neither of them deserved to die... and then they had men such as Kai-Leng and the Illusive Man walking around, who sure as hell didn't deserve to be drawing a single huff of breath. As further into the war they came, people were dying all around him, and he was there to experience the loss and unfairness. Now, when the reapers were on the horizon, he could do nothing more but to accept that even more people close to him were going to die. Move on. Even trivial matters not involving the reapers had people die around him. He couldn't think rationally. But at least he was trying.

With a final glance, he cast his eyes over his shoulder. Immediately, his features mellowed and his brows shot up. Shepard's face lit up as relief soothed him, until concern spread across his demeanor.

"Grunt!" he called, running towards him.

The ground team quickly shot their attention his way. Even if covered in rachni blood, stumbling like he had just taken one too many bottles of ryncol, Shepard could do nothing but be thankful that the tough son-of-a bitch was still breathing.

Grunting, he asked, "Anybody... got something to eat?"

Grunt wobbled forward before collapsing into his arms, Shepard having to steady himself as krogans were not exactly the lightest species. He threw his armored arm over his shoulder and supported him towards the shuttle.

Shepard grinned. "Probably got a few energy bars in the shuttle. Help yourself with all of 'em, Grunt."

"Heh-heh-heh..."

"I'm reviewing your report on the rachni situation, Commander," Hackett said, back on the Normandy. "This could've gotten complicated, fast. I hope you know what you're doing, cutting a deal with the rachni queen. We got burned last time. I'm trusting your instincts, Commander."

"We can count on her support, Admiral."

"I hope so. But... we cut the reaper supply of new rachni troops and picked up some additional krogan support. I call that a victory. I've got to get back to it, Commander. Watch yourself out there. Hackett out."

Then he knew that at least two people weren't going to be happy with his decision.

The pain of Kaidan's migraine had begun to mend, but it was far from over. He had eventually managed to get some sleep, if only for a couple hours, and as little as it was - he knew for sure that even such a tiny amount of rest could help a lot in the long run.

He reached for the painkillers at the nightstand, badly coordinating his motions, as his fingertips were just out of reach. Kaidan cursed under his breath as a rattle rung out in the room when the contents hit the floor, the lid not fully closed as five separate rolled out of the opening, leaving few left. The door slid open. He watched as John pushed on his brakes like he'd crashed into an invisible wall when the cylinder form reached his Alliance boots. Icy-blue followed the movement on the floor before darting their way back.

"What did those poor painkillers ever do to you?"

Leave it to John to find humor in everything. He should've seen that one coming. Much to Kaidan's relief, he had remembered to keep his voice low. Sensitivity to light was far more concerning, but it was a problem nonetheless. The pain had thankfully mended slightly in the past couple hours, even if it was still an internal struggle, so he could keep his eyes open if he wanted to.

Sighing, he buried his face in the pillow. "Nice to see you, too," he muttered, wanting to sound sarcastic but failing. He could tell he was about to ask about the migraine. "Still there. Just... grab that for me, will you?"

John reached down for the painkillers, his position reminding him what a great view it would be from a back-view angle, disappointed he couldn't see the show. Taking ahold of the contents that had fallen out and screwing the lid back in place, he placed the medication back onto the nightstand. A somewhat pained sound escaped John's mouth as he took after his opposite shoulder, rolling his neck.

"You okay?"

"I'm good. I ran into Grunt on Utukku, that's all," he murmured, forcing Kaidan to hold back a grin. John could willingly head-butt a krogan but not take a hit to the shoulder? Gesturing the motion, John said, "Roll over."

Kaidan snorted. "This is really not the time, Shepard."

"Uh-huh." John's arms crossed above his chest, expression remaining stoic although he glimpsed a small quirk of his lips when he pried one eye open. "It's also easily enough a better position for me to mend the pain of that migraine you've got."

A faint blush crept up in his cheeks. "Oh. Right."

"C'mon, Casanova." To get him moving, John gave his ass a good whack that made his cheeks go warmer, a muffled grunt channeling throughout the room being his only reply. "Up and at 'em."

"You're enjoying this a bit too much, Commander."

Kaidan knew he wasn't going to budge so he obeyed, his back slumping to the bed to allow him access. He had to admit that this was a million times better than getting high on painkillers and other antiseptic medical substances. He hated the hazy feeling when affected by it. Kaidan saw him drop to the bed and sat down next to him.

John touched his face. "Hell, major... you're burning up."

He merely hummed in reply with his eyes closed, being well-aware seeing that he would've undressed by now, but had no energy for it. John brought a thumb to his temple, massaging it with the same careful and steady movements, sending a pleasant shiver down his back. To distract himself from the sensation, he decided to keep the conversation going. The sound of John's voice was soothing.

"So what happened on Utukku?"

With a small smirk, John said, "Straight to business, I see. It was the right temple, right?" He applied light pressure at his side, and Kaidan nodded. "Yeah, you're not gonna believe this..." Having noticed the tension on his touch, John began to massage the area. "Remember when we were looking for Liara's mother on Noveria? Benezia. Turns out that the Aralakh Company were investigating sightings of rachni."

His eyes snapped open. "Whoa, wait. The rachni?"

"Yup." Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off "...and before you give me any crap for releasing their queen back at Peak 15 - which I'm still convinced was the right choice - let me just say she's kept her promise." His mouth closed again. "She promised that they would stay out of sight, and they did, but ended up becoming indoctrinated and had them turn against the krogans. Reapers were breeding rachni. We ran into the damn things on Tuchanka when taking care of the genophage, too."

Curing the genophage. Right. He actually did that.

"I was pissed, but at least I got the answers I needed eventually when we ran into the queen again on Utukku," he added. "I had the choice to either leave her to die, which would cost us war assets, or let her go so that she could supply us with rachni workers. Those are tough sons-of-bitches. Aralakh Company suffered more casualties than necessary seeing that they needed to help the queen escape, but it all comes down to sacrifice the lesser for the many if we're going to win this."

Kaidan nodded slowly. "Yeah... yeah, I know," he muttered, knowing it was the hard truth. He couldn't hold back the pleasurable moan the way John's thumb was working against his temple. "You're amazing, John. You know that, right?"

"I've heard it a few times," he replied cockily, and Kaidan's eyes opened to meet his. He gave him a judging half-amused smile. He was confident, no doubt. "I mean, I did stop a rogue Spectre, became the first Human Spectre, died and came back again. No big deal... and before that, I basically overcame nature by surviving Akuze..."

"Don't make me punch you."

"I also managed to get the galaxy's hottest biotic in bed with me."

"Mm... okay. I'll let you have that one."

"Yeah, it sure as hell was an experience when you were with the Alliance -"

John was forced into a fit mix between a cough and laugh, taking after his abdomen that his fist had basically launched at. The laugh lines on his face gradually faded again. There was that look he had seen in the elevator again. Kaidan knew John inside out. His morals, his views, his willpower. He knew every single part of his body, his every turn-on, his every freckle, his every single sweet spot. But yet, the usual stoic expression on John's face was unfamiliar to him now, and he couldn't place why. Veiled. Closed.

His eyes told an entirely different story.

Guilt.

There was just something about that word that kept reappearing in his mind.

Kaidan was about to ask, but found himself easily distracted when John crawled over him, lowering his mouth to his neck and gently biting into it. His chest drew tight when he sucked in a breath. He didn't need to do much to be turned on by him, as John knew exactly what to do, which was both a curse and a blessing at the very same time.

"You're pretty hot when you get all possessive," John murmured, his voice low and seductive.

Groaning, Kaidan said, "John, please. I do not have the energy for this..."

"Just reminding you what you'll be missing out on tonight," he purred, teeth nibbling at his earlobe. Kaidan made a displeased sound. What a damn tease. When John's knee - accidental or not - brushed against his lower regions, he stopped his lazy assault and blinked, Kaidan feeling the appearing sly smirk by his temple. "Wait, is that a side-effect from the migraine... or are you just happy to see me?"

Okay, thanks. Thanks for putting me on the spot like that. Bastard.

Kaidan sighed. "You're a horrible person," he replied, trying to ignore his erection. "At least now you know why the rachni were on Tuchanka, too." At the mention of Tuchanka, John pulled himself up, shifting his position for thighs to trap his hips. "I'm sorry... About Mordin. A shame I didn't get to meet him."

"Yeah, he wasn't the typical salarian. Using Kelly Chamber's phrasing, our previous comm-specialist, he was 'like a hamster on coffee.' He also performed 'Gilbert and Sullivan,' believe it or not."

He couldn't help but snort. That told him everything he needed to know about the prestigious salarian doctor. John was taking all this in like a professional, but it was easy to see the strain in his glance. Beneath a stoic appearance, blue eyes conveyed far more emotion than presented. Even now, John was a closed book, and deep inside it hurt knowing that he didn't trust him enough to open it up for him.

"What happened -?" he asked, only to stop himself. "I mean, if you're okay talking about it."

"The salarian dalatrass, Linron, contacted me before we headed to release the cure throughout this huge monument called 'The Shroud'," he replied, so at least he was talking. "The salarians and turians spread the genophage through it, so we figured that it'd be the best way to deploy the cure. However, Linron was against curing the genophage in its whole, so she gave me an offer. Deploy the cure, and don't get the salarians help in the war. Or sabotage the cure, tricking the krogans into believing the genophage was exterminated, to gain both their support."

Kaidan could understand the salarians' caution, wanting to wait until after the war so the krogans didn't get out of control, but sabotaging the cure entirely? That was wrong on all occasions. Kaidan had to admit that he was uncertain if releasing the rachni queen was the right thing to do, but hell, taking it into consideration it wasn't different from making any other race go extinct.

"That's genocide."

"Sure is. I called her off, but that doesn't mean I didn't consider it."

Kaidan's heart got stuck in his throat.

What?

John's squared his shoulders. "Don't give me that look," he said sternly. "There's a damn war on. We need people. Krogans, salarians, asari... everyone. Hell, if we have to lie or extract information at any cost to gain someone's support, we've got do it. You can't honestly say that it wouldn't even be an option if the decision would fall to you?"

Genocide.

John would commit genocide to stop the reapers. There was no way that he would've done such a thing back when they were tracking down Saren and Sovereign. He had said so himself. The thought was killing him, but in that very moment, Kaidan felt like he didn't know him.

What changed?

"You... wouldn't do it." The hurt in John's eyes was far pronounced. "Fuck," he whispered, before raising his voice again. "Dammit, Kaidan. I know what I'm doing. Hell, don't try to guilt trip me with your 'by the book' routines, it ain't working."

"John -"

"Stop," he snapped, and briefly looked entirely feral. Teeth gritted. Cybernetics taking a brief, red glow. His voice softened again and he closed his eyes. "Hell, let's just... let's just stop talking about this."

Kaidan studied his face, trying not to stare although it proved difficult, attempting to regain his gaze.

"Okay," he muttered, taking hold of John's thighs before he clamored up to sit. "Okay, I -I get it. You don't want to talk. I respect that." He could see John swallowing hard, as he refused to meet his eyes. "Hey..."

He reached for him, but John immediately winced as he again brushed against his scars. Kaidan was quick enough to catch his cheek again, forcing him to look at him. When John's eyes pried open, he looked entirely broken, the word 'sorry' written all over his face. Kaidan had never seen him like that before. His outer demeanor always covered over his inner, not allowing himself to show any signs of weakness. Kaidan brushed his thumb across the area below his eye before moving his hand down to his neck, gently pulling him down, their foreheads connecting. He gave him a tight-lipped smile.

"It's fine," Kaidan muttered.

An uncertain frown appeared by John's brows, as if he didn't fully believe it. He saw John's eyes darting down to his lips, before he slowly leant in. His eyes fluttered shut as his mouth slightly parted, taking in his familiar scent. Their lips were only to brush before John captured his wrist, removing it from his cheek, and pulled away.

"Is your head any better?" he asked, receiving a slow nod in reply. "Good to hear." John's small smile pressed into a thin line again before he eased himself up from the bed with guilt-ridden eyes. Guilt. There was that word again. "I've got reports to finish up. Try to get some more sleep to ease the pain. I'll be up in an hour or two."

"Yeah."

He saw his jaw clench. "I lov -" he began, only to clear his throat. "I'll... lower, the lights on my way out."

With that, John was out the door, firm steps with hastened purpose. Kaidan chose not to comment on the fact that he had ignored the lights on his way out. John had to be tired, and Kaidan knew he had more to say, but he wasn't going to push him for a continuation.

Kaidan sighed, pinched two fingers to the bridge of his nose, brows tightening as the migraine was far from gone.

Hell... why won't you talk to me?