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Diary Entry

March 28, 2009

Mood: Gah… just very exhausted and want Spring Break.

It's been such a crazy past month. Every since that store hold up I've been… not sleeping. I've been very distant from everyone even Andrew and I really don't know what's going on. I'm scared, tired, and jumpy. I don't know… really. I try to act as if there nothing wrong because I don't know what's wrong. Andrew's trying to be understanding, Sam and Kirsten try to help me out and Danny is also trying to be understanding and lend an open ear.

I know I'm being stubborn, that runs in my family and I'm no different. I want to talk, but whenever I try and open my mouth to talk about things… gah. The words won't come out. It scares me, every time I try to go out, forget about it, it never works. I'm being a pain in the ass and I feel like a fricken burden to everyone. I don't know what to do.

CSI:NYCSI:NYCSI:NY

Cara sat at her kitchen table, her math book propped up against a bottle of soda and papers scattered all over the table. She gently tapped her pencil against the table and sighed. She hadn't been out with her friends in the past couple of weeks and it was beginning to take a toll on her. Cara was drifting away from her friends, eating had become more of a chore than anything else and sleeping was doing nothing to help her cause.

At first Cara tired to act as if nothing had happened. In the beginning she laughed, talked and was her normal self. Than, she began spending more time to herself and her mind began replaying what had happed in the store over and over again like a movie. Then, her nightmares started. They would end in the most awful ways; both the mother and baby died or the man shot Cara in an instant. Cara threw her pencil across the table and leaned back in the chair staring into the empty space of the kitchen. In the silence, she could hear the door being unlocked and she knew her mom was home. Gathering up her homework, she scurried up the stairs and quietly shut the door.

Cara dumped her stuff on her bed and went to her window and sat down, resting her chin on her knuckles. She stared off into space, her mind swimming in different thoughts and scenarios. Sighing, she rubbed her eyes and stood up. She was beginning to get restless and she needed something to do. She grabbed her diary and began writing, but was interrupted by a knocking at her bedroom door.

"Cara, do you want anything to eat?" her mother's voice floated into the bedroom and Cara shook her head.

"No mom, I ate before you came home," She answered setting down her pen and crossing her arms, shooting a look at the closed door.

There was sigh on the other side of the door, "Alright and honey, could you please come out of your room for more than 15 minutes tonight. Your father and I are getting worried,"

"I'm fine, mom. I've told you a dozen times," Cara said rubbing her eyes again.

"You're not acting fine,"

"Mom…"

"Alright, if you don't want to talk, that's fine. Just if you do, know your father and I are willing to listen," Mariya said and Cara listened for the squeaking of the stair case before letting out a breath that she didn't realize she was holding in.

Standing up, she decided she had enough of staying awake and fell on her bed and fell asleep. She awoke hours later, her breathing heavy and her body covered in a cold sweat. She wasn't awoken by her dream; something else had woken her up. Rolling on her side, she came face to face with Andrew who was kneeling by the bed, his face etched with concern.

"What… how…?" Cara babbled and she sat up.

"I got worried and was checking up on you. You were um… mumbling and crying in your sleep," Andrew said and Cara rubbed her hand across her cheek to feel them wet from her crying. Sighing, she felt the side of the bed go down with the weight of Andrew sitting down on the side of the bed. She leaned against his shoulder. Andrew moved back and leaned against the headboard bring her up and leaning her against his chest.

Cara held onto his arm, the images of her nightmare still swimming through her head.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Andrew asked and Cara shook her head.

"Not yet,"

CSI:NYCSI:NYCSI:NY

Cara stood in front of the apartment door, raising her hand, and then dropping it, than raising it again. She growled to herself, mentally kicking herself for being so stubborn.

"Ahh… fuck it," she grumbled and knocked on the door. The door opened and Lindsay rubbed the back of her neck and looked up.

"Cara? Oh… Danny's working today,"

"I'm not here to talk to him," Cara said stuffing her hands in her pockets and looked up at Lindsay, "I'm here to talk to you,"

Lindsay paused and nodded before opening the door wider and letting her in. Cara walked in and kicked off her shoes near the couch and leaned against it. Lindsay shut the door and she looked at Cara.

"You want something to drink?" Lindsay asked heading toward the kitchen. Cara shook her head and Lindsay poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Have a seat, don't be a stranger," Lindsay said and Cara plopped down on the couch and Lindsay sat down next to her. "So…"

"I need someone to talk to and um… I thought you were the best choice," Cara said. Lindsay shrugged.

"I'm all ears," Lindsay said leaning back in the couch.

"Did you keep having nightmares after the shooting in Montana?" Cara asked. Lindsay was taken aback by the question and nodded.

"Yeah, I did. For a long time," Lindsay said and Cara nodded.

"I keep having nightmares, about the hold up in the store," Cara said and she rubbed her hands together, "I had another one last night and this time Andrew was there,"

Lindsay nodded and Cara sighed, "I can't sleep, eat, or just be myself. My mind keeps going back to the hold up and I feel sick to my stomach and…" Cara hit her head and shook her head. She stood up, "You know, this was a bad idea, I'm going to go," Cara said and Lindsay quickly set down her mug and grabbed Cara's arm, pulling her back down on the couch.

"Oh no. You are not going anywhere," Lindsay said and she crossed her arms ignoring the glare that Cara had shot her.

"Flack told me what happened at the store. I can see what you are going through," Lindsay said.

Cara shook her head, "Yeah, but I didn't see four of my friends get killed,"

"Yeah, but you were held at gunpoint and had to watch a mother desperately try to comfort her child at gunpoint. Personally, I can get what you're going through. Remember, I'm a cop," Lindsay stated and Cara looked up at her.

"Gahh… You're good at this," Cara grumbled and Lindsay gave a little smirk.

"Your brother is my boyfriend," Lindsay said and Cara laughed.

"Good point," Cara said and smiled, "That was the first time I laughed in a while," she said.

Lindsay nodded, "You want to continue?" she asked and Cara nodded.

Over the next hour, Cara expressed her feeling to Lindsay, telling her about her everything from the incident all the way to the nightmares she was beginning to get daily. Lindsay sat and listened to everything Cara had to say, offering advice at certain points and allowing her to cry on her shoulder when Cara needed to.

Cara got up to get something to drink when the front door opened and closed. Danny walked into the apartment, not noticing Cara standing in the kitchen, but did notice her shoes sitting next to the couch.

"Lindsay… why are Cara's shoes here?" Danny asked dropping his keys on the side table and giving Lindsay a look.

"Maybe because she's here in your kitchen," Lindsay said giving Danny a look. He looked up to see Cara waving at him from the kitchen and she took a sip of water.

"Hey Dan, long time no see," Cara said with a small smile. She pulled out her phone and swore under her breath, "I've got to go. I promised to see Andrew later this afternoon. Thanks Lindsay, see ya later Danny!" Cara said grabbing her shoes and running out of the apartment.

Danny looked at the front door, than the kitchen, and then Lindsay.

"What the hell was that all about?" Danny asked feeling completely out of the loop.

"Cara wanted to talk. I offered an ear," Lindsay said standing up.

"But I'm her brother,"

"Yeah, but I'm a woman. I'm one up on ya there," Lindsay said patting his cheek and heading into the bedroom leaving a dumfounded Danny standing in the middle of the living room.

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