A/N. I love you guys. Without your reviews, this story would be history. So give yourselves a warm round of applause before you read this. YAY! All right, I'm done being an idiot. I don't own anything. Read on.
Logan unfolded the first page with trembling hands. It didn't escape him that the last letter he had read had nearly broken him forever. But these letters were from his best friends. They would never hurt him. It still didn't make it any easier. Logan took a deep breath and looked at the paper in his hands. It was from Kendall. He knew it before he read the first line where Kendall unnecessarily told him. Kendall had fairly non-descriptive handwriting. The lone distinctive feature was the rather large lettering because Kendall's hands were awkward holding a pencil. But as Logan read even further on, it reminded him even more of Kendall.
He had talked with his friend. He knew that Kendall was scared for him and angry at his father. He had listened as he poured out his feelings of confusion and frustration. Kendall had cried in front of him. Kendall never cried. But he had been reduced to tears when he confessed to Logan that he felt helpless. It had frightened Logan to see Kendall so. . . weak. James often kept everything locked inside and hidden well but it wasn't too hard to see past his phony smile. Carlos, the most innocent of the four boys wasn't as strong. He was easy to read. But seeing Kendall, their leader, struggling so much was new and not pleasant.
It was hard to read Kendall's letter even though it was basically what Kendall had already told him. The feelings were so new and raw on the pages. The anger especially. There were some places on the paper where the letters were darker and the paper had a small hole in it as if Kendall had pressed really hard with his pen. Then, a few paragraphs caught Logan's eye.
You know what else scares me? Your dad. I'm afraid he's going to leave you again and hurt you again. Okay, so he never really left you before. Not literally. You two still lived in the same house. But he never talked to you or came to a hockey game or even the awards ceremony at school when you won practically every prize for all of your grades. You always tried to pretend that you didn't care or that it got easier eventually. But I- we all could see that you were hurting. No matter how much you tried to hide it. It's pretty easy to see past someone's act when you've known them for as long as we've known you, Logan. I wish you let us help you. But I guess you don't need help anymore. He's back. And you're so ecstatic about it. It's like he never hurt you in the first place.
Logan, if he ever leaves you again. . . we'll be here for you. Don't shut us out and pretend that you're okay. We're your friends. We'll always be here for you.
Logan shut his eyes and allowed a few tears to fall. Kendall had been afraid that his dad would leave him again. That was why he had been so cold to Ryan Mitchell the first day. Kendall, as well as James and Carlos had been afraid for him. They didn't want to see him get hurt again. But he had. He had been hurt more deeply than he had ever imagined was possible.
He didn't know if he could ever tell his friends about his thoughts right after reading his father's letter. They would be crushed. Logan had wanted nothing more than to die that day. The desire to live had been sucked out of him with every single word of his father's handwriting. He had thought of how he could do it. Suicide seemed so simple. For example, there had been a pair of scissors sitting right on his night stand, as if they were daring him. They were the sharp kind too. There was no logical reason for them to be there so Logan laid there and stared at them, pondering their usefulness. He knew right where to cut on his wrists too. And then all he could think of was what it would do to Carlos, James, and Kendall if he took his own life.
Just don't leave us, okay? Man, Logan. Don't. . . don't die. It wouldn't be the same without you. I can't even imagine it. I don't want to
Kendall trusted him. Logan knew he didn't deserve that trust. He wondered what Kendall would think of his brief suicidal thoughts. What would he say if he knew just how close Logan had come to giving up?
Struggling not to cry even more because it was all he had been doing lately and he felt like such a weak girl for it, Logan carefully refolded Kendall's letter and set it aside. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the next letter.
It was from Carlos. Logan smiled as he recognized his friend's messy scrawl. Carlos was always in too much of a hurry to make sure that his writing was little more than legible. But after twelve years, Logan could read it easily.
Predictably, Carlos' letter was about his fears for everyone else. But Logan hadn't realized how much his younger friend had truly been scared. He had told him about how different everyone had been acting but as he read, Logan was realizing just how bad things had been. James had had a freaking nervous breakdown. James. The same kid who turned into the Incredible Hulk whenever he got really mad. His friends had been falling apart more than he had ever thought possible.
Logan, you have to do your part too. You have to fight and not give up. We'll help you however we can. We can't do this without you, Logan. We just can't. We need you. We're fighting with you. Don't give up and I know we'll be okay.
Carlos trusted him too. Logan shook his head. The faith his friends had in him was unbelievable. They probably never even assumed that he had been so depressed. They were so afraid that the cancer would kill him. But really, why would anyone ever think that Logan Mitchell would ever be depressed enough to kill himself. It had only been a little more than a passing thought and now it wasn't even an option. But it still made Logan feel awful to know how much his friends thought of him.
James' letter was next. His handwriting was for some reason, always written in capital letters. All of it. It made it just slightly less difficult to read than Carlos' writing. Today, Logan noticed that the large, block letter were a little crooked as if James' hands had been shaking while he wrote.
Logan still didn't understand how James could have ever felt guilty. Sure, he had pushed him a little harder than normal but that even if he hadn't, it wouldn't have changed anything. He was just glad that James had finally started to see that.
Whether they meant their words or not, Kendall and Carlos scared me today. What's going to happen to us if we. . . if we lose you, Logan? You're like the glue that hold us together. Actually, we're all the glue. But we need all four of us to make things work. Otherwise we just fall apart. We're falling apart right now, Logan.
It scared Logan to know how much his friends depended on him. How much they depended on each other for that matter. What would happen to the rest of them if they lost one? Could they stay together? They had to. They needed each other.
I'm going to come right out and say it: Logan, you cannot die. You're too young. You're too good. You're Logan. You're our friend. Forget about Big Time Rush. That's not what has kept us together for so many years. To tell you the truth, I have no clue why we're friends. We're so different. But why we're friends doesn't matter. What matters is that we are friends and that we remain friends. So don't give up, Logan. We have so much left to do together.
Forget Big Time Rush? James couldn't completely drop his dream just like that. But he was right. They had been best friends long before Big Time Rush was even a thought. And they would remain friends. No matter what happened. No matter what they lost.
Logan finished James' letter and carefully folded them all together. He placed them back in the envelope and picked up the last piece of paper. Despite the sad letters he had just read, he couldn't help laughing when he saw that the paper was covered in three different types of handwriting. Then he started to read it.
REASONS WHY LOGAN MITCHELL CAN'T DIE.
Kendall would miss him.
James would miss him.
Carlos would miss him.
Everyone would miss him!
Kendall would fail science.
James would fail history.
Carlos would fail math.
Kendall and Gustavo would kill each other.
James would never get anywhere on time because he'd be spending too much time in the mirror.
Carlos would never be able to find anything in his room.
Katie would take over the world!
Camille would stop acting forever. And that would be too weird.
Teachers wouldn't get to give any A's out!
The medical world would lose one of it's greatest before he even got started.
Camille needs a husband.
Our kids need three uncles.
Three is an uneven number.
Dude, senior year!
Two words: Driver's license. Like, not just a learner's permit (Okay, that was actually eight words.).
Big Time Rush would be Big Time Fail.
We would all get arrested somehow.
Dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.
Swirly slide!
Someone needs to be responsible. And it sure isn't going to be Carlos. Or James. Or Kendall.
Hockey just wouldn't be any fun.
CD's!
Dude, Toy Story 3!
It would be illogical.
Palm Woods would burn down.
Mercedes Griffin still needs you as her boyfriend!
Dome hockey.
No one does a better Griffin impression.
Ghosts would be real.
Carlos would shave Kendall's eyebrows.
And cut James' hair.
And overdose on sugar.
Concerts.
Who would watch Star Trek with Kendall's mom?
James still needs to teach you about dating!
You have to attend the Palm Woods' Handsome Doctor's Convention ten years from now!
All of the girls would kill James.
We need to go on a four-way date!
To borrow a phrase from Kelly Clarkson, our lives would suck without you.
You'd be an awesome husband.
And dad.
We'd miss your dry humor.
Dak Zevon would take over the world with Katie!
Vamipah would record a CD with Rocque Records.
Gustavo would have to take over his father's scooter business!
We'd miss your brain.
Camille would miss your dimples.
Everyone would miss your laugh.
Okay, let's face it. Everyone would miss everything about you. But you don't seem to really get that, Logan. So we complied this lame and pathetic list, hoping that it might convince you that we need you. Life wouldn't be the same without you and we don't want a "new normal". We want you healthy and alive. We'd rather never see you again and have you alive then watch you. . . die. Logan, if it weren't for you, James would have drowned, Carlos would have frozen, and Kendall would have either been killed in that tornado, or he would have no friends because you wouldn't be there and Carlos and James would be dead. We owe our lives to you, Logan. So let us return the favor. And don't finish this letter and start thinking how you're not good enough. You're the best, Logan. Thanks for everything. You've given us all so much but we still need one more thing. We need you to fight and beat this cancer. And remember that you won't be doing it alone. We'll be right there with you, every step of the way. Promise.
The letter was signed by all three of the boys. Logan read it three more times. Most of the reasons were pretty silly. But some of them were completely serious and Logan could read the fear in between the lines. He folded the paper and put it back in the envelope with the others. As he did, a picture dropped out.
It was a very familiar picture of them. One of the first that had been taken of them. They were five years old but it had already captured their personalities perfectly. James was the only one looking straight at the camera, grinning his small face off. Carlos was in mid-air as he jumped off the couch. Kendall was reaching out to steady Carlos when he landed. Logan was watching them wide-eyed, and holding onto a toy doctor's kit ready to help Carlos.
The picture was so laughably futuristic that Logan couldn't help laughing. He had the best friends in the entire world. No one deserved such loyal, trusting friends. It was unnerving but comforting at the same time to know how much they relied on him. He couldn't let them down now. He thought back to what he said to James that night they couldn't sleep. He had told him that it was a two-way friendship. They had to rely on each other for help. The words had been meant for James, to comfort his friend and convince him that he wasn't to blame for any of this. But Logan realized then that the words for meant as him as well. He had to let his friends help him. He had to accept that they trusted him so blindly because that was who they were.
A/N. Meh. I don't know how much I liked this. It wast and used a lot of old material but it felt necessary also. Anyway, now would be a good time to mention that I've never needed motivation more than I do now. So, reviews would be great. Thanks everyone!