+ Warnings: Squirty cream abuse.
+ A/N: Okay, I forgot to mention this last chapter, but thanks to OrganicVoodoo for being the 300th reviewer! *Throws confetti at her*.
Chronicles Of Max
Chapter 26: I Once Shagged Cenotaph
Wednesday 30th April '08
7.15 in the am
A little bird has just told me that the world is made up of eleven-dimensional string that comes in six flavours and five colours.
This little bird is Mariam.
And she is also talking in her sleep.
A minute later
"Mariam… Wake up…" I say, poking her in the arm.
She grumbles and her knees shoots out and-
Ow.
Right in the balls.
A minute later
"For God's sake, woman! Wake up!" I nearly yell.
"Shut the fuck up," I hear Tala's voice come from down below. Oo-er.
I'd forgotten we had four other humans and Lee staying here overnight.
"Mariam won't wake up," I said in my defence.
"Why do you want to wake her up? Just leave her alone," I hear Tyson say.
"She was sleep-talking!" I tell him.
"Was she saying anything interesting? Anything about seahorses?" I hear Kai say.
"Shut up about those fucking seahorses," Bryan says.
"Bryan, my boobs are getting cold," McFahrt says.
Everything's gone quiet.
"Actually she was telling me that the world is made up of eleven-dimensional string that comes in six flavours and five colours," I said, trying to distract everyone from the horrific thing McFahrt had just said.
"No it's not," Tyson said.
"I know it's not, but that's what she said," I said.
"But she's wrong."
"She's asleep! She doesn't know what she's saying!"
"Then I will tell her when she wakes up that she is BEYOND being wrong, and she's just a retard when she sleeps."
"Ty, that would be a bit harsh."
"Not it wouldn't."
"Yes. It really would."
"I'm pregnant.
"WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!"
"Being pregnant gets me out of anything and everything. Even arseholes."
"You couldn't find your way INTO an arsehole even if your penis had Satnav," Tala said.
Everything's gone awkwardly silent again.
"Dudes… I totally see the light at the end of the tunnel," Mariam's croaky voice said. She has awoken!
"No, what you're seeing is my pearly white teeth!" Lee shouted, scaring the crap out of everyone, and emerging from the bathroom wearing…
Nothing.
30 seconds later
His teeth really are white.
Like, so white that I need sunglasses.
30 seconds later
"Lee, why are you brushing your penis with a toothbrush? And toothpaste?" Tyson asks.
"Makes it shiny, dude. SHINY!"
7.30 in the am
Everyone is now awake. Lee has put his mankini back on, and is now wearing our shower curtain as a cape. He refuses to take it off.
"Lee, stop using our shower curtain for your own sexual pleasure!" Mariam shouted at him.
"I'm not using it for my own sexual pleasure! I'm using it as a cape!" Lee shouted back.
"Yes, but we can all see the erection you've gained just from wearing it," Tyson pointed out.
Lee looked down at himself.
His erection was indeed escaping from his mankini.
Is natural for penises to be covered in hair?
A minute later
"Lee, your penis reminds me of Cousin It from The Addams Family," Kai said.
We all looked at Lee's penis.
Not that I particularly wanted to, but it's one of those involuntary things, you know?
And I have to say… That Kai had a point.
"I usually shave it, but I've lost my razor," Lee replied, stroking his erection.
"Do you mind not masturbating in front of us?" I said, scowling.
"Sorry. I get a bit carried away sometimes," Lee said, and he stopped his stroking.
Now his hairy penis was just stood there.
Boinging around.
A minute later
"I think we'd all better get ready to start the day," McFahrt said, standing up.
Oh my God.
She is butt naked.
Luckily, she is so fat that her belly cascades over any vagina that she might have lurking between her legs. Unfortunately, her sagging breasts are still on show.
"Tala, they're scaring me," Kai squeaked, gripping onto Tala in a vice-like manner.
"It's alright, my little chicken dipper… Don't you look at the nasty boobies," Tala cooed back at him.
"Elaine, put some clothes on," I said, frowning.
"Elaine, don't put any clothes on. I'm quite enjoying myself ogling your arse," Bryan said from wherever he was lay.
"No, Elaine. Really. Put some clothes on," I said.
"I think I'm going to be sick, Tala…" Kai said in his little, whimpering voice.
"What do you think, Lee?" McFahrt said dramatically, swinging around to look at Lee, her saggy breasts flying through the air.
Lee stopped trying to sneakily wank off, to look at McFahrt like a rabbit caught in headlights.
"Lee? Shall I put clothes on? Or shall I walk around naked all day?"
"Erm… Well… As lovely as your body is, Elaine, all over-flowy and protruding, yet as smooth as a baby's bottom… I think it might be best if you do put some clothes on," Lee said, clearly trying to butter up McFahrt.
I don't mean that literally.
"Are you trying to flirt with my woman?" Bryan asked, standing up, also naked, and scowling at Lee.
"Why would I want to flirt with your woman when I have a mankini?" Lee replied, twanging one of the straps of said mankini.
"You make a good point there," Bryan said, nodding, and sitting back down.
"Now that's all settled… Will you both please put some fucking clothes on?!" I said angrily.
McFahrt scowled at me, but went about putting her gigantic bloomers back on, anyway.
Breakfast
8.03 in the am
Kai actually cried to the dinner ladies that McFahrt's breasts had offended him. They also began crying, and asked if they could make it better. He replied that he would feel better if he had some squirty cream. So they gave him some squirty cream.
And that brings us to now.
Kai is prancing (yes, prancing) about, shooting squirty cream everywhere, and shouting that he is a squirty cream ninja.
A minute later
He just got me in the mouth with the cream.
A minute later
Which is better than getting it in your ear, which has just happened to Tyson.
Two minutes later
"TALA! I want to give you a squirty cream beard!"
"Okay!"
We are all watching and slurping on Coco Pops as Kai squirts a beard onto Tala. Tala seems to be enjoying it. He'll probably turn it around and make it sexual.
"Alright, now lick it all off, bitch."
I knew it.
A minute later
"Kai, save some of that cream for later… I want you lathered in it tonight."
Please no images, please no images.
…
Damn.
Well, a squirty-cream-covered Kai is a better mental image than a squirty-cream-covered McFahrt.
Oh God.
No.
Drama
2.10 in the pm
I've always hated Drama.
I still hate Drama.
I hate Drama even more now that we have to do a short play in our group about two men falling in love.
At least I spared the part of having to play a gay man. As there are three real live-and-kicking ones in this group.
All of whom are having an argument.
"Me and Kai should play the part of the gay men, as we are gay and are in love!" Tala shouted.
"I WANT TO BE A GAY MAN!" Tyson roared.
I think he probably meant to add 'in the play' on the end…
"Well, it's tough! Me and Kai are being the gay men, and you will just have to be the wife!" Tala said.
One of the gay men are married in this play.
Tyson has folded his arms, and is pouting. I see this as a sign of him giving up.
5 minutes later
We are rehearsing this play. I don't even know what part I'm playing. I just have some lines.
"Oh, darling. You're late home tonight. Where have you been?" Tyson said, scowling at Kai, who was supposed to be his husband.
"I was busy fucking my super-hot boyfriend, because I am gay. In fact, meet him!" Kai said, ruining the play, dragging Tala up to Tyson, and then snogging him.
Tala. Not Tyson.
"Guys, can we please do this scene properly," Mariam asked. She has been given the role of 'director'.
"No," Tala said, grabbing Kai and snogging him again.
We all sighed.
2.30 in the pm
We are now having to act out our play to the rest of the class. We have given up trying to make Tala and Kai do the thing properly, so we've told them to just stand there and snog whilst we say stuff.
"You! Play! Now!" the teacher shouted at us.
We stood up on the stage.
Tala and Kai began snogging.
"They are two men. They are gay. And they are in love," I said, pointing at Tala and Kai.
"HE," Mariam shouted, pointing at Kai, "NO LONGER LOVES YOU!" and she pointed at Tyson.
Tyson pretended to cry.
"The end!" I shouted.
Tala and Kai carried on snogging.
The whole class looked at us. The teacher sniffed.
"That was… BEAUTIFUL!" she wailed.
No, it was shit. But I'm not going to argue with her. She might knock me out with those man-fists she has.
8.59 in the pm
We heard some interesting news earlier.
Julia, as in… Julia from F Dynasty… IS A LESBIAN!
Kai actually cried when he heard this news. He wailed something about 'two many breasts in sexual situations', before planting his head in Tala's crotch, and crying. Tala seemed to enjoy it.
Anyway, yes. Julia is a lesbian. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Raul comes out as gay. He could've been bumfucking Romero anytime he wanted to. Because, let's face it, Romero HAD to be gay.
A minute later
"Y'know…" Tyson's voice piped up through the darkness. "I once shagged Cenotaph."
I looked at the big black blob that was him.
"As in… Cenotaph… One of the Dark Bladers… The one covered in bandages?" I asked.
"Yeah, that's the one. One of the best fucks of my life."
I chose not to question it any further, and tried to go to sleep, cuddling into my lovely Mariam.
15 minutes later
"Can we start putting sleeping tablets in their drinks at night?" Mariam asked me.
"No. I know it's annoying, but-"
"Or maybe we can knock them out by smashing them over the head with a hammer?"
"Mari, that's a bit too violen-"
"Or, better yet! We could just chop off their cocks!" Tyson said, sounding a bit excited at the thought.
"I know listening to them having sex is annoying, especially as they're so loud, but there's really nothing we can do about it," I said.
Everything went quiet. At least, in our room.
A minute later
"YES! TALA! FILL MY BUTT-CRACK WITH SQUIRTY CREAM!"
This is getting ridiculous…
+ A/N: LAME-O ENDING!
But never mind. Another chapter down XD