26
Descent
25th October
It was just gone seven. Olivia had been lying awake since the nightmare had woken her more than three hours ago. Her mind was racing. In fact she felt weird. She could feel her heart beating in her chest and she couldn't stop wondering what it would feel like if it just stopped. Would it be painful? Would she know? Would she have to face several seconds or minutes knowing that her heart had stopped and that she was facing death, but unable to do anything about it? About an hour ago, she had thought it had actually stopped for a second. She wondered if that was what people were referring to when they talked about their heart skipping a beat. It was a horrible feeling. Once again she reached for her left wrist and felt for her pulse. It was soothing to feel the steady rhythm. It meant she was still alive.
She also had an intermittent pain in her abdomen. It felt a bit like hunger, except she couldn't face the thought of eating, so surely it wasn't that? Just imagining eating made her feel nauseous. In some ways the pain was comforting. Like taking her pulse it was a reminder that she was alive. Her tummy also felt bloated which was what made her think that maybe it was something other than just hunger. The bloating made her feel disgusting. She could feel her abdomen pushing out against her pyjamas and she longed for the flat stomach she had sported in her earlier years. She used to like the way she looked in her twenties and thirties.
It was Friday, which meant two weeks had passed now. It was depressing how time just went on relentlessly, carrying you forward even if you didn't want to go. If only she could go back and do that day again. She wouldn't have bothered to pick up her bag, or if she had, she would have been more observant and seen him come in and defended herself and prevented the attack. She'd have gone home, Elliot would have called her, they'd have gone out like he'd planned and he'd have told her he wanted them to be more than friends. A beautiful restaurant… a little bit of wine to help them relax and they'd have talked and laughed and had a carefree evening. He'd have walked her back home and she'd have invited him up. They'd have kissed on her sofa. They'd have told each other they wanted to be together. She wouldn't have slept with him straight away though. She would have taken her time, savouring the courtship.
They would have gone out on several dates; the zoo, museums, boat rides, skating, restaurants, day trips. Eventually they would have made love. It would have been perfect. Not perfect in the sense of a trashy romance novel, for she was fully aware that real sex was messy and it took time to get to know each other intimately. It would have been perfect only because it was him and her. They would have spent long nights exploring each other, finding out everything about each other, becoming as close as two people could get, becoming true lovers.
All of that had been cruelly stolen from them.
A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Why had it happened this way? Did she not deserve happiness? Did she not deserve a man in her life like everyone else? Was she being punished for something? She felt her intestines cramping again and she gritted her teeth waiting for the wave of pain to pass. This one had been stronger than the others. What if there was something seriously wrong with her? No, don't be so melodramatic, she told herself. More tears were rolling down her cheeks. She peered over at Elliot. His eyes were closed. She suddenly wanted to hear his voice, feel his touch. She couldn't wake him though, could she? He had told her to do so if she needed him and she definitely needed him now. She felt her stomach clenching with nerves as she contemplated waking him. Would he be mad? No, of course he wouldn't. He had shown her nothing but love and patience since this had happened. Would he think she was weak though? That was what she couldn't stand. She was terrified he had lost all respect for her. Surely he hadn't though? They had been partners for over a decade. He knew her better than anyone else she had ever known.
She decided to do it. She placed her arm on his and whispered, "Elliot." He moved slightly, so she whispered again, this time a little louder. He opened his eyes and smiled at her. She felt a wave of guilt for having woken him, but he immediately took her in his arms and held her like she had wanted. Had he seen her tears? He must have.
"How long have you been awake?" he asked.
"A while," she said.
"You should have woken me earlier," he replied gently. He wiped her cheeks with his hand and kissed her head. She basked in his attention.
"Did you have another nightmare?" he asked.
"A while ago," she replied. He nuzzled up to her, the sides of their faces touching. "Elliot…"
"What is it, sweetheart?" he murmured. She used to hate that term, but coming from him it was nice.
"I wish we could go back," she said forlornly.
"Me too," he sighed.
"I mean, to that night, to what would have happened if I hadn't have been raped." He winced as she said the word. It was still so hard to hear. "Tell me, Elliot. Tell me again what we would have done."
"I was going to take you to a nice little Italian place," he said, his voice low. She closed her eyes, enjoying the image.
"What would you have said?" she asked.
"I… I don't know."
"Please. Tell me."
"I would have told you how beautiful you looked and how much I enjoyed spending time with you," he said suddenly. Maybe this wasn't as hard as he thought it would be.
"And then?" she asked.
"And then I would have taken your hand and told you…. told you that I…that I wanted to kiss you."
She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "I would have liked that," she said. Again she had fresh tears threatening to fall.
Elliot felt his own eyes beginning to dampen. This was heartbreaking. He thought he understood though. He felt the same way. They had been cheated of a happy beginning to their relationship.
"Liv," he said suddenly. "Why don't we start again? Let me take you to dinner, like I planned that night. Let me ask you out?" She looked up at him, longing in her eyes. She nodded.
"I would really like that, Elliot."
"We can pretend it's our very first date." He was getting excited about the prospect now.
"Are you sure you don't think it is silly?" she asked hesitatingly.
"No, I don't," he replied. "I think it's a wonderful idea! Only, Liv…. I want you to promise me something…"
He looked at her intently. He could already tell she must have lost a considerable amount of weight in the last couple of weeks. Her eyes looked sunken and he could swear her bones were protruding more than they had before. It had been two weeks and she had barely been eating. She needed to start eating again soon, or he was worried she would start to get really ill.
"What is it, El?" she asked.
"I want you to eat, Liv," he said quietly but firmly. "Please, promise me, you'll start eating more."
She pulled away a little. "I am eating!" she protested. "I admit, I don't have much appetite lately, but I'm trying."
"I know," he pulled her back into his arms. She didn't resist. "I know you are, but I want you to try a little more, for me... please. I'm worried about you"
"You really don't have to be," she insisted. "I needed to lose a bit of weight anyway. I put a fair bit on right before this happened actually."
"Liv, you are beautiful the way you are. You don't need to lose any more weight." He was discouraged to see her shifting uncomfortably. "I'm serious Liv. I'm just asking you to try and eat a little bit more, that's all. We can slowly work on building your appetite back up."
"Fine," she said sharply.
"Liv, don't be angry with me."
"I'm not," she said. "I just think you're making a mountain out of a molehill."
"I love you," he said. "I don't want to lose you."
"You're not going to lose me!" she replied, rolling her eyes. Why was he being so melodramatic about this? She glanced at him and immediately recognised the genuine concern in his eyes. She took a deep breath, feeling guilty for making him worry. "I'll eat OK! I promise!" She would promise him anything if it would prevent him from feeling hurt.
"OK," he said relieved he seemed to have got through to her.
"You shouldn't say that though!" she said, smiling mischievously at him.
"What?" he asked.
"That you love me!" she said. "You haven't even asked me out yet!"
"Oh it's like that is it?" he said suddenly tickling her.
"Stop it!" she shrieked, a little embarrassed that she had given away just how ticklish she was. He chuckled, then took her back in his arms and held her again.
"I'm getting up," she announced, pulling herself away. "Let's go for a run, El!"
"It's barely light!" he exclaimed. This running thing was starting to become a bit of an obsession with her lately. He had no idea where she got all her energy from given her limited intake of food.
"Come on," she insisted. "You're not going to make me go alone are you?"
"Of course not!" he said. "Fine, let's go!"
...
They had been running for around twenty minutes, when suddenly she stopped and doubled over, clutching her abdomen.
"Liv! What's wrong?" he asked her, placing his arm around her back to support her, the concern etched onto his face.
"It's nothing," she said between gritted teeth. "I've been having some cramps - that's all."
"Your period?" he asked awkwardly.
"Maybe," she lied, knowing full well that she wasn't due for another week. She had just finished her last period when she had been assaulted.
"Do you want to sit down?"
"No, I'll be fine. It's passing now."
"Liv, you shouldn't push yourself!"
"I'm fine!"
"Yeah right," he muttered under his breath, watching as she winced again. "Another one?"
"Yeah," she said. "Maybe we should sit down for a few minutes."
He led her to the side of the jogging track where there was a log which they could perch on. He helped her down.
"Is that better?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Liv, maybe we should take you to see a doctor?"
"No, I'm fine." The last thing she wanted to do was spend hours in a hospital waiting room.
"Look, we are due to go to do your follow-up tests anyway, so we can get you checked out at the same time," he suggested.
"El, please… stop fussing. I told you I'm fine, why won't you believe me?"
"…Because you always play things down…you have ever since I've known you!"
Olivia had to admit that was true. She hated to be seen as inferior to anyone else in her mostly male-dominated profession and she had taken pride in the fact that she rarely took a sick day. The only times she could remember actually taking one were those days she had been forced to by her well-meaning, but irritating, Captain.
"I promise, if it gets any worse, I will go," she said. "It's just, you know I hate hospitals. I don't want to go unless it's really necessary."
"OK," he agreed. It was frustrating just standing by watching her try to put a brave face on everything. Why wouldn't she just give in and admit she was only human, like the rest of the population on the planet! He knew he secretly admired her for her strength and stubbornness, but he was worried sick about her. It's only been two weeks, he told himself. She just needs time.
Surprisingly she agreed to forgo the rest of the run and they walked back slowly, arm in arm. She didn't seem to have any more severe cramps on the walk back but he could tell she was in some discomfort. When they arrived back at the cabin, she curled up on the sofa hugging her knees to her chest, refusing to move. After twenty minutes he decided enough was enough.
"Liv, I really think we ought to go and see a doctor. No arguments this time."
"OK," she agreed miserably.
His stomach was knotted with fear. Had she just agreed to go to the hospital? It must be worse than he had thought. He should have insisted they not go on that silly run and he should have taken her earlier. What on earth could be wrong with her? He daren't even imagine and instead just focused on getting her to and into the car. He clutched her hand firmly once before he started the engine and then he headed towards the nearest hospital, trying not to allow his mind to take him to the dark places it was attempting to lead him.