Interlude 2: Dante, eat your heart out.

"So, this is Hell, huh?" Malik asked.

"Oh, nothing gets past you. What was your first clue? The fire? The demons? That big sign that says, 'Welcome to Hell'?" The big red demon asked sarcastically.

"Well… um… are you the Devil?"

"Hm? Oh, no, I'm Roy. Chaunticleer isn't in right now."

"… the Devil's name is Chaunticleer?"

"Yeah. It's amazing how few people know that." Roy said. "Anyway, he's currently out at Chuck E. Cheese's with his son, so he won't be here for your tour."

"… His son? That creepy kid from The Omen?"

"HA! I wish."

Meanwhile, at Chuck E. Cheese's… of EVIL…

"DADDY, I WANT MORE TOKENS!" the little demon screeched.

"Now, Berthold, you know you only get 50 tokens to play the games when we come here. Now come on, our pizza is here…"

"I DON'T CARE! I WANT MORE TOKENS! GIVE ME MORE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"… I knew I should've worn a condom when I slept with your skank mother." Chaunticleer the Devil muttered.

"Honey, I'm RIGHT HERE." Mrs. Devil growled.

"Why, yes you are! And yet for some reason you won't GIVE ME A HAND HERE!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…"

"Oh, shut the Heaven up."

Back in Hell…

"So… not to sound ungrateful, but why didn't I go to Egyptian hell? I mean, I am Egyptian."

"Crap, you are? How'd you end up here?"

"I was wondering that myself. I mean, like I said, I am technically an Egyptian."

"Technically?"

"Well, I'm a disembodied spirit, born from the internal rage and darkness of a boy whose childhood was stolen from him by his heartless father, and who has lived in darkness for his entire life, forced to follow a ruler he doesn't believe in… HA! I'm sorry, it's just really hard to say all that with a straight face. I was quoting his description from one of the websites about the show; the real him is just a total little sissy-pansy with the willpower of an alcoholic ferret. But still, he IS Egyptian and since I use his body in my world-domination plots, I technically am too."

"Ah, man. You spend a lot of time in Japan, huh?"

"Well, yes…"

"Thought so. You're another anime character! Freakin' Japanese cartoons, with their noble demons, crazy disembodied spirits, people who used to be evil but now they're good because they've learned the true meaning of communicating through combat… They always screw everything up," Roy cursed. "Well, I suppose you are still evil, so you can stay here… or we could arrange for you to be shipped to Egyptian hell if you'd prefer."

"I don't know… what's it like?"

"You'll be eaten by a huge monster that's a cross between a hippo, crocodile, and lion. And… that's all, really."

"Here works."

"Thought so. Now, shall we start the tour?"

"I suppose so. There's like… fire, and such, right?"

"Oh, aren't we the clever one. Of COURSE there's fire, you jackass! It's Hell! But to be fair, you're not a complete idiot, we DO have things besides fire. We're trying to diversify our hellishness to stay up-to-date with the changing times, and as such, hell is now divided into various zones, each with a separate overriding theme. For instance, over there is 'ironic' hell."

"Oh, what's that like?"

"Exactly like Pittsburgh, except everyone is an accountant but you." Roy said. "Here, watch!"

Yami Malik watched as a soul looked around ironic hell, then said "Huh, this isn't so bad!"

Suddenly, two-dozen men in suits carrying briefcases all walked up to him and said, in unison, "Ah, Mr. Jacobs! Perfect! You're just in time for the 15-hour seminar on diversifying your bond portfolio! And afterwords, we're going to need you to fill out all these forms, in triplicate!" the demon accountants said, showering the man with millions of sheets of paper.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mr. Jacobs screamed.

"Ooooooh, that's nasty!" Yami Malik said in admiration.

"Are… are you taking notes?" Roy asked.

"Well, I am evil. I'd really like to take some of this evil back with me when I get back to the land of the living."

"…You're dead. You don't get to come back."

"Well, what if one of my friends revives me?"

Silence.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" the demon and the spirit burst out into laughter. "Yeah, I killed all my friends and ate their souls. Ya got me." Yami Malik said.

"Oh, you're gonna fit right in here, I think. Heck, in a few thousand years, you might even get a temp job as a demon!"

"Seriously? That is SO COOL! If I become a demon, can I like, possess people and spread evil and terror?"

"Yup!"

"SWEEEEEEEEET! So what happens in the thousands of years while I work my way up there?"

"We brutally torture you with agonies beyond the dreams of mortal men."

"… … let's continue the tour!" Yami Malik said, trying rather obviously to change the subject.

"Yes, let's." Roy said. "Over there used to be our 'Medieval Room'. It was where we tortured people using old school medieval tortures… y'know, the rack and such? But a few years ago we decided to remodel it using an innovative new tool of suffering we discovered, made all the more vicious to you mortals by the fact it was discovered by ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND!"

"Oooooooooh." Yami Malik said. "What is it?"

"A movie room!"

"… … … A movie room."

"A movie room!"

"… now, I'll admit it's been a while since I've gone and seen the latest summer blockbuster or whatever, but a movie room doesn't exactly strike me as divine punishment." Yami Malik said doubtfully. Just then, a woman ran screaming out of the theatre, shrieking, "MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!" only to have the theatre sprout arms and drag her back in.

"Did I mention that all the movies are directed by Uwe Boll?" Roy said.

"… you are the most heartless monster that has ever been."

"Hey, it ain't called hell for nothing."

"So, what else do you have down here?"

"Oh, y'know. There's hot hell, cold hell, sharp hell, slimy hell, zombie hell, hell for Dungeons and Dragons players…"

"Dungeons and Dragons players go to hell?"

"No, not really, we just say they do to appease Jack Chick. That guy can find you ANYWHERE, and he has an unbelievably huge supply of those creepy little fundamentalist comics. They are VERY disconcerting."

"So who does go to hell? I mean, what are the criteria?"

"We mostly get people like you."

"…fair enough. So… is there anything else on the tour?"

"Nope. Time to get to the torturing, I think. Hey, Fred!"

"Yeah, Roy?" Fred the Demon asked.

"Could you set up some torture for this guy?"

"Sure! How evil is he?"

" 'Killed his dad' evil. But he does get the 'dad was a douchebag' defense. However, even considering that he also has 'evil world domination mind destroyer' in the negative column."

"Oooooh, I'll get the acid leeches!" Fred said gleefully.

"Acid leeches? That's it? That's kinda tame, for an evil of my stature." Malik said disappointedly.

"What, you could do better?" Roy asked doubtfully.

"Well, yeah! I mean, it wouldn't even be hard."

"Okay, how's this. You take one of OUR torturees, and make him feel WORSE, and if you do, I'll postpone your unholy punishment by one hour. Agreed?"

"Hee, hee, hee…" Yami Malik laughed, moving in the general direction of a tortured soul.

Five minutes later…

"… I think I'm going to be sick…" Roy said. "I mean, there's evil… and then there's madness… but you… you're the most horrible thing I've ever seen, and I live in HELL."

"I think I earned my hour?" Yami Malik said smugly.

"I… uh… man, I'm not really allowed to do that… okay, okay, how about double or nothing? Bet you can't do it again?"

"Hee hee hee…"

Five minutes later…

"URK!" Roy said, throwing up.

"C'mon, anyone else want to bring it? C'mon, anyone? Try me. I will go sadistic all OVER your ass." Yami Malik crowed. "You guys are just a buncha pansies, deep down, huh?"

"ENOUGH!" a five-story tall black demon whose body was covered in vicious barbs roared, acid running from his mouth and his eyes glowing with horrible flames. "I AM THE GREAT DEMON EDRAZEEL, HELL'S MASTER OF TORTURE! I CHALLENGE THEE TO A CONTEST IN THE WAYS OF PAIN, FOOL MORTAL! SHOULD I WIN, I WILL RECEIVE THY SOUL AS MY PERSONAL TOY, TO DELIVER UNTO IT AGONIES UNIMAGINED BY EVEN THE DENIZENS OF HELL THEMSELVES!"

"And if I win… hmmm… I get your job."

"BAH! NO PUNY MORTAL CAN MATCH MY POWERS IN THE ARTS OF EVIL! ONLY THE DARK LORD SATAN CAN MATCH MY SADISM AND HORROR!"

"Chaunticleer."

"…HUH?"

"The dark lord Chaunticleer. Geez, you've been here since the beginning of time and you didn't know that?" Yami Malik said dismissively. "I bet you're the loser who thought up 'Fluffy Kitten Hell' over there." He continued, motioning to a group of fluffy kittens playing with a group of people who didn't look very tortured at ALL.

"I… UM… I… UH… OH, MY."

"Hee, hee, hee…"

Five Minutes Later…

"ALL HAIL HIGH TORTURER MALIK, DEMON LORD OF THE ABYSS!" the hordes of darkness roared.

"Ah, now this is the life." Yami Malik said, kicking back on his throne of skulls. "Second in command of evil throughout all creation, hordes of demons under my control, eternal dark power at my fingertips… I've never been happier. This is, well… ironically, Heaven! I love it here! Getting killed was the best thing that ever happened to me!" he said, smiling satisfiedly and drinking some delicious demon wine. Then, oddly, he started to float.

"Um… what?"

"Hey, what's happening to you?" Roy the demon asked.

"THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!" Yami Malik screamed in frustration as he continued to float upwards, seemingly for no reason, towards a giant beam of light that had emerged. "WHAT'S GOING ON? I DON'T WANT TO GO! I DON'T WANT TO! I DON'T…" Malik continued screaming, until he fell into the light…

"We've done it! We've actually brought a human being back from the dead! We're going to be famous!" The blimp medic said, hugging his nurse.

"Oooooh… wha?" Yami Malik asked groggily.

"Oh, sir, it was amazing! We're not even real doctors, and you were legally dead for nearly twenty minutes, but even with only a first aid kit, we were able to bring you back from the dead after multiple gunshots at point-blank range! We've defied all the laws of nature to do it, but we've actually discovered the secret to eternal life! We can restore the dead!" the medic said, practically crying in joy.

"I still can't believe we managed it! I guess it's amazing what you can do when you really, really need to fill a plot hole." The nurse said cheerfully.

"I… I see…" Yami Malik said in a voice that sounded somewhere between sorrow and fury. "I'm… back alive?"

"Yes, in a miracle of the greatest proportions! I just wish that… well, anyone else on the blimp cared about human life enough to be here to see it! But still, we've done the impossible!"

"I'm… back alive."

"Yes, sir, I think we've made that pretty clear." The medic said irritably.

"And… since I'm back alive… I have to play cards with losers, in order to have a fairly minor and unlikely shot at the kind of power I just got… for free… in Hell." Malik said.

"Oh, the poor dear is in shock. We should let him get some rest." The nurse said kindly. The two medical personnel left Yami Malik alone to sleep.

"Have fun?" Evil Bakura asked, materializing from the shadows.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Yami Malik roared.

"Oh, nothing. Didn't you know? The story automatically fixes itself to fill in plot holes like having no villain!"

"But... they have you! Why couldn't you just be the villain?"

"I'm... somewhat incapacitated... BAKURA, STOP SINGING! YAMI GET OFF THE CUSHIONS! MALIK, THE PUNCH BOWL IS NOT FOR BATHING!" He suddenly screamed into thin air.

"... getting a little crowded in there?"

"You have no idea. And considering one of them is a gift from YOU, I had no real problem in helping the story get back on-line."

"How so?"

"Oh, nothing much. I just had a little chat with some of my old friends in the underworld, and guess what? Next time you die, there won't be any paperwork screw-ups in the system! You get to go to ancient Egyptian hell, which means your soul will be eaten by a rather absurd sounding monster. Isn't that GREAT? Looks like you should try to lead a LONG, HAPPY, DEMON-FREE life playing CARDS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Damn, I am SO evil... GAH!" he suddenly shouted, tripping over his shoelaces, which had mystically untied themselves.

-Isn't it great that even when something happens to him, we don't feel anything?- Yami asked.

I'm liking it!- Malik, still taking a bath in the spiritual punch bowl, agreed.

-Okay, as much as I hate to agree with anything that jerk says, you totally should NOT be taking a bath in that punch. It's for everyone.-

Yami Malik, meanwhile, barely noticed the somewhat pained spirit on the floor... a sign of his mental state. Hmmmm. He thought. I'm back to life, and freed from a realm of eternal evil and hellfire to have a second chance at life, which will probably last a long time given that I'm fairly healthy.

He considered that thought for a second.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He cried, bursting into tears.