Kylo strides through the corridors, making his way back to the bridge. He's grateful for the long walk, as the last thing he wants is for Hux to see him in the state Rey has left him. He'd almost gone to his quarters, allowed himself to imagine her silken skin and soft lips while giving in, but he wants to save his pleasure for her.
It feels almost disloyal to engage in such things now that she's near. He may not be able to give all of himself to her, having indulged the basest of his urges years ago, but he will do what he can to not dishonor her further. Now that he knows what true intimacy feels like, he regrets having shared even the palest, most shallow imitation with others.
His boots click along the deck, his body calming. He wishes he'd remembered to ask her about her mother. He's concerned that she didn't want to find her. She'd dreamt of her family her entire life and he knows the truth of her origins has cut her deeply. She's not chosen to speak of her mother, but he's certain it weighs heavily on her. He would like for her to confide in him.
He decides he'll send Jashad and Palek to Dashrah to confirm that Lann Tren is there, and to find out if she regrets what she did to her daughter. He wants her to have the option to see her mother when Rey decides it's time. Perhaps his knights might be able to garner a lead on her father. Maybe he won't be such a resounding disappointment.
Six stormtroopers halt abruptly when they see him. Right. He's not wearing his helmet. He'd forgotten in the midst of everything.
"Supreme Leader," Hux greets him as he enters the bridge. The officers manage not to stare this time.
"Hux."
"Your office will not be … ready for you until tomorrow afternoon." Hux's lip curls slightly in subdued disdain.
"I will be in my hall, then. However, first there is a matter I wish to discuss with you."
"Yes, sir," the general says cautiously.
They walk into Hux's office and he turns to Kylo. He's clearly anticipating some form of retribution.
"The surveillance on Rey … I no longer want to be informed of her movements." He'd said he wouldn't watch her. Perhaps … perhaps he shouldn't even have her tracked at all. "In fact, amend the order. She is only to be monitored if she goes to the hangar."
"Sir, she is still a member of the Resistance."
"I told her I would not … spy," he says uncomfortably.
"Then you will not. It is a matter of ship security and as such, is at my discretion. I shall have your order rescinded," Hux says pointedly.
Oh he likes this solution very much. He's not watching her or having her watched, but she will be monitored. He decides to forgive Hux for stunning him.
He leaves Hux's office and goes to retrieve his mask.
He's perusing a summary on the status of Nephlak, a strange world with two distinct societies, one that is heavily entrenched in the slave trade and another that is petitioning for entry into the First Order. It's a puzzling situation.
He's been able to truly focus for the first time in days. Rey's smile floats through his mind from time to time, but it makes him feel hopeful and warm, not panicked and alone. She just needs time. She said that she cares for him. Everything is going to be perfect.
His head snaps up when a stormtrooper enters his hall.
"Reporting as ordered, sir," KS-2153 announces nervously.
He'd forgotten that he'd left a standing order for KS-2153 to report to him every evening. It's exceptionally tempting to find out exactly what Rey had said to Wylan, but he must stop prying into her private business. She was just being kind when she'd gone to visit his despised rival. Now that he's told her what sort of person he is, he's certain that will be the end of it.
He should send the stormtrooper away. Right now. But … she is here. It wouldn't hurt to ask a few questions. No. No. He must control himself. He'd said he wouldn't watch and though this is not precisely the same, he knows Rey wouldn't see it that way.
"KS-2153, I do not require you at this time. You are dismissed."
The stormtrooper's relief is palpable and she turns to leave.
"Wait." He stops her.
He infuses his voice with the Force. "You will go back to your division and have no memory of reporting to me."
"I will go back to my division and have no memory of reporting to you," she says dazedly, then leaves the hall.
Kylo sits, looking out across the room. It wouldn't do for Rey to discover his actions regarding her friend. She'd never understand. He will revoke his order that KS-2153 report to him daily. Rey will never know what he's done.
He stands outside her door with his helmet and gloves in the crook of his arm. He places a palm on the surface and leans his forehead against the metal. He's sure she'll at least grant him this contact, a brief moment to say goodnight.
There. She's letting him feel her. But it's not the warm, gentle wave of her like it had been last night. It's cold and sharp.
"Kylo," blooms in his head. "You can't keep doing this."
"I thought … after last night …" he responds through their Bond.
"That … that was a mistake. See? See why I need you to leave me alone? I can't think clearly when you're near me."
"But … I didn't say anything; I didn't even push against the Bond."
"I can still feel you when you're close, you know I can. You can't do this either. You have to leave me alone. I will tell you when I'm ready," she says firmly.
"Since we're already talking, may I see you one last time? Just for a moment?"
"No! You know what will happen if I open this door."
Well, no, he doesn't, but he'd hoped … "Please?"
"Go to bed Kylo. Don't come back. I will tell you when I'm ready," she repeats.
"Alright, Rey. I … I love you."
She doesn't say anything as she closes the Bond. He senses her moving from the door.
After speaking with her this afternoon he'd been left feeling strong, reassured. But her most recent rejection stings. He makes his way to his quarters, trying to ignore the emptiness forming in his chest.
The next morning he's still working out of his hall. He dislikes the room and all of its reminders of bowing and scraping to Snoke. But he supposes it's only fitting that he be uncomfortable after behaving as he did yesterday. Hux had been most displeased when he'd tallied up the expenses.
She'd not said, but he thinks it must have frightened Rey to see the aftermath of one of his explosions. He wishes he didn't do that, but he's never known how not to. He's always had a temper. Always. But it had been dismissed with indulgent humor when he'd been a boy. "He's just like his mother," they would say. But he wasn't. Her fiery anger was always controlled, useful. Not his. No, his anger takes him over and he has no choice but to ride the fearsome waves as they take him down.
Once he'd been able to at least keep it from becoming so physical. He would scream, sometimes cry, occasionally throw something. Then he'd gone to Snoke, who had encouraged him to give his temper free rein. He'd said that after a lifetime of attempting to suppress his emotions he must let them flow through him, that only through his rage could he properly channel the dark side. So he had.
For a time he'd been almost gleeful about his destruction. It had been so satisfying when Hux would complain to Snoke about his latest bout of mayhem, expecting chastisement for Lord Ren only to be told that Kylo's actions were not to be questioned. After years of emulating Luke Skywalker's bloodless existence, it had been heady to finally let go.
But now … knowing that Rey watched him through the Bond as he had disintegrated the first night she was here and then had seen the aftermath of his wrath with her own eyes … he can no longer deny that it frightens him. What if he were to hurt her one day? He doesn't think that he could, but he's not sure. He had before when he'd thrown her against that tree, so many months ago. He still has nightmares about her scream and the sickening thud as she'd hit the ground.
He's never come undone as badly as he did yesterday. He'd put the ship in danger. Dread seeps into his veins as he realizes he put Rey in danger. What would have happened if Hux hadn't stopped him? He must find a way to keep from being pulled into that place of utter lunacy. What if next time is the time Rey gets caught in the storm with him? What if he can't protect her from himself? What if he does something unforgivable?
For a moment he misses the safety of service. There was serenity in following. But neither of his masters would have known how to help him with how Rey affects him. They had no understanding of desire, devotion, need … love.
Luke Skywalker had been wrong about passion, wrong about attachment. But Snoke had been as well, encouraging his meaningless, anonymous trysts, never perceiving the deeper yearning in his apprentice's heart. Kylo has been pining for Rey for far longer than a year.
Grandfather would understand. He had his Padmé; he knows the power of love. Kylo had not wanted to make his grandfather remember his lost beloved by speaking of Rey, but perhaps it is time. He will try to contact Grandfather again tonight.
"Jashad, Palek," Kylo greets his knights. Thus far they have seemed invested in finding Rey's family. That they'd been as revolted with Sylten Qree's behavior as he had been makes him feel a certain kinship with them. He's never been close with either man, but he's fast growing to trust this pair.
"Supreme Leader," they say in return.
"The girl … Rey," he smiles beneath his mask, caressing her name. "She says that she is not yet prepared to see her mother. However, I would like to ensure that Lann Tren is indeed on Dashrah and perhaps find out who her father is. I am sending you both to learn what you can."
"It would be our pleasure to continue to do what we can for her. She's a lovely girl, special," Jashad says.
Kylo grows suspicious. Jashad had only spoken with her briefly the night they found Qree and Palek had simply observed. "Yes, she is, but how do you know that?"
"We had the opportunity to speak with her earlier."
"Where?" Kylo asks sharply, not liking the reminder that he has no idea where she is at this moment.
"In the med bay. She arrived while we were visiting Wyl-"
"She was visiting Wylan? Today?" he asks dangerously. He'd told her about Wylan. She knows that he hates him.
Jashad tenses and looks to Palek who sighs heavily.
"Yes, sir," the smaller man states.
Kylo's body goes rigid with rage. His fingers dig deeply into his palms, the leather keeping him from breaking skin as he tries to restrain himself from cleaving the table in two with his saber. He breathes in and out, his chest heaving. He'd told her that he would control himself. But she had visited Wylan after knowing how he feels about the hated knight … No, it doesn't matter. He must learn to keep from flying apart. Rey has asked it of him.
"Is she still there?" he bites out.
"She was when we left. Wylan had just woken up. But that was hours ago. I'm sure she's back in her quarters," Jashad offers in reassurance. It doesn't work. The knowledge that Wylan is conscious makes this exponentially worse. Now the other man can touch her.
He needs to know. He won't be able to function if he's imagining Wylan's hands on her. But he's promised he won't spy. He doesn't know what to do! Her accusations from yesterday pull at his conscience. Alone. He must be alone. He needs to remove himself.
"You'll have your mission specifications shortly," he says through gritted teeth as he stalks from the chamber.
His boots eat through the distance to his training room. How could she? After he had been so understanding? He had every right to demand she never touch any man but him but he hadn't. He'd been reasonable.
Has she no proper feelings at all? Yesterday she had said that she cares for him and today she's again at his rival's bedside. And now he's awake. He could be running his filthy hands all over her. Kylo is not allowed to see her, nor have the briefest of contact. He's not even permitted to wish her goodnight. But Wylan, he has her coveted attention. What if she visits him every day? What if they grow close? What if she prefers Wylan's company to his own? What if she lets him teach her?
He strides past a squad of stormtroopers and he wants one of them to cross into his path, look at him wrong, anything to give him a reason to act. He wishes they all would. But KS-2153 would tell her if something untoward were to happen to her comrades.
Finally he reaches his training room. He rips his helmet from his head and engages four training droids. He spins and deflects the bolts, his surcoat whipping around him. What he really wants to do is storm into medical and ensure she's not still with him. She could have spent the whole day with Wylan while he'd been blissfully unaware of her treachery.
Twist, lunge, parry. He's not even paying attention, muscle memory doing the work for him. He wishes he could crush the droids, pull the paneling from the walls. But she says that it's not space if she must worry for him and he has no idea what would get back to her on a ship of thousands. He knows he has to calm down but he doesn't know how. He feels like he's going to unravel completely. Perhaps he could talk to Vitok? No … he's already told her too much.
Why would Rey do this to him? Is she punishing him for taking her? Must he suffer a commensurate amount before he's allowed back in?
Wait. He's in his training room. Swiftly he shuts off his saber and goes to the wall of weaponry, waving his hand at the training droids to cease their program. There, a set of daggers. Desperately he lunges for the nearest blade and wrenches up his sleeve. He pauses. She'd asked him to stop, but he'd not promised. He's only said he would think about it. Well, he has, and right now it's necessary. He takes a deep breath and steadies his hand. It wouldn't do to have a repeat of last time. The relief is immediate as the blade pulls along his skin.
Kylo watches the stars go by from the viewscreen in his quarters. He'd bought himself an hour or two of peace, but now all he can see is her hands touching Wylan. His imagination is taunting him with lurid images of them together. Her delicate hands running along Wylan's face, his repellent fingers touching her. What if she'd shuddered and gasped the way she does when Kylo touches her? He can't get the pictures out of his head. Some small part of him knows he's being irrational, but it's drowned out by the toxic jealousy that eats everything in its path.
Had she sent him away last night knowing she would again visit Wylan? He's going to lose his mind if he doesn't know what happened. He could ask Hux for a report of her movements today; it's not really spying. But that wouldn't tell him what had transpired in medical.
He could ... he could speak to KS-2153 ... No. That's worse than spying. He knows it is. But she would never know, and it would keep him from her rooms ... He's certain he will end up breaking down her door if he doesn't know what she's done. What if he's kind to the stormtrooper? He could explain a bit of why he wishes to know ...
Grandfather! Grandfather will know what to do. He had intended to speak with him tonight, anyway. He has been silent for longer than he ever has been before, but surely he will respond to Kylo's entreaties this time. He will sense his grandson's dire need. He hurries to his sanctuary.
He takes his customary position in front of Vader's helmet and brushes away the memory of Rey's desolate tone and unnatural stillness when he'd first found her here.
Calm. He must center himself to become open to Grandfather. He breathes in and out in deep, measured breaths. This will work. Grandfather always knows what to do. He concentrates on feeling the Force flowing through him.
"Grandfather?" he calls out into the Force.
He feels himself falling into this long-familiar trance. In out. In out.
"Grandfather, help me."
The once-intimidating mask stays silent.
"Please. I've found my Padmé and it's tearing me apart. I need your guidance."
Nothing. Months now it has been.
"Grandfather, please. I need your wisdom more than I ever have. Please." His voice cracks.
He goes to his knees and grasps his hands together, mimicking prayer.
"I need you."
He begs into the ether for an eternity, but there is nothing. Finally he drags himself to his feet and leaves his room of treasures.
Reason is gone. Madness has won. It's the middle of the night and he's outside KS-2153's barracks.
"Supreme Leader!" the stormtrooper on duty exclaims.
"KS-2153, bring her here immediately," he orders through his helmet.
"Yes sir, right away sir. It's her sleep shift; she'll be outfitted in five minutes."
"No, now."
"Sir?"
"Now!" Kylo barks.
The stormtrooper disappears to retrieve KS-2153. Soon, a slender woman with dusky skin, short black hair, and startling green eyes is presented to him. She's wearing standard issue sleeping attire, a short sleeved top and loose shorts. Her eyes are full of fear.
"Come with me," Kylo demands.
"Y-yes Supreme Leader."
He stalks to a nearby control room, knowing the soldier will follow. Once they're both inside, he closes the door.
KS-2153 is trembling and he shoves aside the knowledge that he's reprehensible.
"Today Rey visited Wylan Ren. Tell me all that transpired. Leave nothing out."
"Sir, please. She's my friend. I promised her she could trust me," she pleads.
He growls as he remembers that the quaking stormtrooper has no memory of the last time she'd resisted him. There's no patience left within him so he raises his hand and pushes into her mind. She tries to fight him as tears spring to her eyes. Unbidden, he sees Rey's stricken face on Starkiller, her skin blotchy from crying. He concentrates on his task. This had been … easier when she had been wearing her helmet.
"Do not struggle; I have no wish to hurt you." He rips through her meager defenses and he has it.
Rey and KS-2153 enter the room and find Jashad and Palek already with the still-comatose Wylan. Today Rey is wearing a deep blue dress, plain, but she's still exquisite. It has a high neck, so he cannot see the telltale ribbon that reveals if she's still wearing his gift. Not knowing in the face of her choice to again visit Wylan makes his heart cold. Her hair is in its usual style. At least no one but him has been allowed to see her flowing hair.
The stormtrooper stands by the door and Rey and his knights look at each other for a moment.
"Uhm, hello," Rey offers shyly.
"Hello, Lady Rey," Jashad says as he steps away from Wylan's bedside and comes to stand in front of her. Palek nods his head respectfully, staying as he had been when the women had arrived.
She purses her lips. "Please, don't call me that. Just Rey is fine."
"That would be inappropriate, my lady."
Rey grimaces and says, "Don't call me that either. I don't know what Kylo has told you, but I'm not a lady. I'm nobody." The way she dismisses her worth plucks at Kylo's heart.
"You are far from nobody. You are the Supreme Leader's lady."
She twists the fabric of her skirt in her fingers. "I don't know about that, but I doknow I'd really rather you call me Rey. Only Rey."
Jashad tilts his head. "If that is truly your preference?"
Rey nods firmly. "It is."
"Then that is what we shall call you, Rey," Palek offers as he comes to stand next to Jashad, dwarfing the smaller man.
She smiles. "Thank you. And thank you, both of you, for everything you've done to help find my family."
Kylo grows impatient. He flips forward in the memory. Wylan wakes, the doctors come and go, and then the knights speak. Finally he finds the point where she and KS-2153 are alone with Wylan. Rey has taken the seat by his bed, Wylan is propped up against several pillows, and KS-2153 remains at the door.
"I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Rey. Just Rey, none of that 'Lady Rey' business," Rey says as she wrinkles her nose.
"Oh, I remember you. How could I forget such a beautiful face?" Wylan's voice is scratchy and his eyes gleam with a predatory light that makes Kylo's blood boil.
Rey blinks quickly.
"Uhm, well, anyway, I visited you yester-"
"I know; I could hear you. It was very sweet of you." Kylo despises the slow smile that creeps along Wylan's infuriatingly handsome face.
Rey looks away for a moment before shrugging. "You were honest with me when no one else was. It was the least I could do."
Wylan scoffs. "Yeah, Kylo's never been so good at that."
Her brow furrows. "What do you mean?"
"He tells the truth when it suits him. He's had everything handed to him and he does what he pleases. He's not like us," Wylan says conspiratorially as he leans closer to Rey. Kylo snarls at his presumption. In the control room, KS-2153 whimpers as Kylo's rage burns along her synapses. He needs to stay focused; he doesn't want the stormtrooper to suffer needlessly.
"Like us?" Rey asks in confusion.
"Orphans."
He sees as her eyes fill with pain. Wylan just had to remind her of her mother.
"I'm not an orphan," she says defensively.
"I can tell you grew up alone, though; just like me. Like calls to like. I spent my childhood on Hask, begging for food. Not like Kylo. He doesn't know what it is to struggle. But I do. I know what it's like to never be full."
Rey looks away uncomfortably. Can't Wylan see how proud Rey is?
"You're from Jakku, right?" Wylan asks with a lopsided smile that makes Kylo nearly lose his hold on the memory.
Rey's head snaps up. "How do you know that?" she asks warily.
Wylan rolls his eyes. "The whole ship knows that Kylo's been making a fool of himself over the girl from Jakku. Can't even keep you without holding you prisoner." Wylan snorts with scorn.
She frowns uneasily. Why did Wylan have to bring up his poor handling of Rey?
"I'm not ... I'm not his prisoner," she says as her eyes flit around the room.
Kylo's heart lifts to hear that she no longer believes he's holding her captive.
"Really?" Wylan raises his brows in disbelief. Yes, really, she is precious, dear. She was never his prisoner. Well, not since Starkiller.
"It's none of your business." Rey's posture is stiff and Kylo is elated that Wylan is missing all the signs that he's upsetting her. No one knows his Rey like he does.
"If you say so," he says doubtfully.
Rey takes in a deep breath. "Anyway. I'm glad you're awake. I'm sorry you were hurt."
"You do know it was your boyfriend who did this to me, don't you?"
"Yes, I know," she says steadily.
Kylo cringes at the use of such a juvenile term, but he notices that she accepted his claim to the title. It's wholly inadequate, but it's the first time she's admitted she's his anything.
"You shouldn't trust him. He only cares about himself," Wylan warns.
"I don't think that's true," she says carefully. Good, because it isn't true. Kylo cares far more about Rey than he's ever cared about himself.
"Oh yeah? I've known him for almost 20 years. He's a spoiled little princeling who's never had to work for anything. He's always been like that. He has no idea what it is to suffer. Not like we do."
Rey's eyes flash. "You don't know anything about my life and I don't think you know anything about Kylo. I ... I should go." She's defending him?
"Stay a little while. Yesterday you held my hand." There's something suggestive in his tone that makes Kylo want to pull from KS-2153's mind and drag Wylan from his bed, finish what he'd started. Then Wylan has the audacity to wink at his beloved. KS-2153 winces in pain and Kylo realizes his fury has caused him to hurt her again. He feels a flare of shame that he ignores as he keeps watching the memory.
Rey shakes her head and draws back from him. "I was just being nice."
"I could be nice to you. Much nicer than Kylo." Wylan positively leers at Rey and Kylo knows that one way or another, Wylan will answer for this.
He reaches for her hand and Kylo fiercely reminds himself that this is a memory. Whatever happens next has already happened. KS-2153 moans in agony as Kylo's possessive jealousy continues to stab into her mind, but it's impossible for Kylo to stop now.
Rey leaps from her seat and backs away quickly. "Don't touch me! You shouldn't talk to me like that."
"You don't have to be afraid of him."
"I'm not afraid of him!"
"Really. I was there when he caught you. I remember how you ran."
"You don't know what you're talking about. We're leaving. Come on, Kes." Rey flounces to the door, about to leave.
Wylan looks at the stormtrooper by the door, clearly never having taken notice of her presence. "He makes you have a keeper?"
Rey turns back to Wylan, her eyes blazing. "She's my friend. She's with me because I want her here. Kylo lets her off her duties to spend the afternoons with me," she says haughtily.
"He assigned you a friend?" Wylan asks with contempt.
"No, I just told you, he knows she's my friend so he made sure I could spend time with her! He was being thoughtful."
"Sure, because Kylo's such nice guy," he mocks.
"He's nice to me!" Rey's hands are on her hips and Kylo is rather enjoying watching someone else run up against her temper.
"He just wants to bed you. If that's what you're looking for, I'd take much better care of you than Kylo." KS-2153's face twists in pain and Kylo realizes he's again made her suffer from his inability to keep his anger from bleeding into her mind. He should remove himself, but he must know how this ended.
"You're disgusting. Kylo was right about you," she says as she stomps out of the room.
KS-2153 hurries to keep up.
"Ugh! I never should have gone back!" Rey spits as they walk down the corridor.
"Are you alright?" the stormtrooper asks.
"No! I can't believe that man. He knows that I'm ... involved with Kylo, his boss, and, and, well, you saw." She flings her hands in the air. She's gorgeous when she's angry at someone other than him.
"But, I thought you aren't talking to the Supreme Leader?"
"Please, please call him Kylo. This whole thing is weird enough without having to be reminded he's the Supreme Leader."
"Okay. You aren't talking to ... him," KS-2153 says as they continue to rush down the corridor, Rey's anger causing her to keep a brisk pace.
"That doesn't mean we aren't ... whatever the hell we are."
"And what is that?"
"I don't know! But I do know that if I told Kylo what Wylan just pulled he'd find himself Force pushed out of an airlock!" What a marvelous idea his beloved has had.
They reach Rey's quarters and Rey is still in a snit. She paces back and forth in her sitting room and KS-2153 removes her helmet.
"Maybe some tea would make you feel better?" KS-2153 offers cautiously.
"Tea is not going to fix this."
"Why are you so upset?"
Rey stops her frantic pacing and sprawls in a chair. She clearly has not grown used to wearing dresses. "Kylo nearly destroyed the ship because I visited Wylan yesterday. " Her eyes are haunted. He knew he had frightened her. She closes her eyes briefly and swallows. "I went back today because, well, I wanted to prove that I could, that he didn't get to decide what I do. I completely ignored him when he told me what kind of person Wylan is because … well, honestly, it sounded like he was describing who I used to think Kylo was. His judgement isn't the best sometimes. Most of the time. But I guess he was right about Wylan."
"I'm sorry Rey, I still don't understand."
"I feel guilty." She looks at her hands. "I guess … I guess I wanted to get back at Kylo for treating me the way that he has, trying to control me. I thought … I thought he was telling me who I could be friends with on top of everything else. But he was right. I mean, I know I didn't do anything wrong by going to see Wylan, but now it just feels … petty."
The women fall quiet while Rey looks at the floor.
KS-2153 takes a seat in the other chair. "Rey … may I ask you something?"
"I think I've told you everything I know about Finn."
"No, it's not about him. It's about, uhm, him."
"Kylo?"
"Yes."
"I may not answer, but yes, go ahead and ask."
"Why aren't you talking to him? These quarters, all those beautiful clothes, he spent months creating this for you. It's all the ship would talk about, the Supreme Leader's special project. He was meticulous, he oversaw everything himself. It had to be perfect. He had the best of absolutely everything brought in for you. We couldn't figure out what was going on, exactly, but it was obvious that it was almost more important to him than even the First Order. But it seems like you don't … care."
Rey sighs and looks around her rooms. She reaches out and runs her hands along the fronds of a nearby fern. "I do care. I know he tried to imagine everything I could want. He ... he knows me better than I know myself and at the same time, knows nothing about me at all." Kylo wishes KS-2153 had asked what she meant, but she hadn't.
Rey continues. "There's so much more going on; things I can't talk about. I'm not seeing him right now because of choices he's made and that's all I can really say."
"But, he loves you ..."
Rey's head snaps up. "Why do you think that?"
"He would have to. I mean, wouldn't he? It's all so romantic," she says dreamily. "It's like a holofilm. He searched and searched for you! He rescued you from the Resistance! He put aside everything to find you. Some even say he killed Supreme Leader Snoke because he threatened you. Why would he do that if he didn't love you?" the confused stormtrooper asks.
Rey grimaces. "That's not really what happened. I didn't want to leave the Resistance, Kes."
KS-2153 gasps. "But they're terrorists!"
Rey looks to the ceiling before staring intently into KS-2153's eyes. "I didn't want to say anything before. I didn't want to get you in trouble. But ... can I trust you?"
"Of course you can!"
"I mean, you can't talk about what I tell you. Especially not to Kylo."
"I wouldn't! No one has ever treated me like you do. I would never betray your trust, Rey."
"Even to the Supreme Leader?"
"He wouldn't bother with me anyway. I'm just a stormtrooper."
Rey looks away. "You're more than just anything. I suppose he could take it from your mind, but I don't think he'd do that, not now." A sick, thick feeling coils in his belly. This is where he should end this. But she's talking about him, he has to know. For a moment he perceives KS-2153's pale green eyes, full of utter loathing, but he can't stop. He can't.
Rey sighs. "Besides, if I don't talk to someone about this I think I'm going to go mad."
"You can trust me," KS-2153 promises.
KS-2153 struggles mightily then, almost pushing him out, but she's no match for him and he slices back into her memory. She cries out in torment.
"Everything you've ever been told about the Resistance is a lie. I was with them when Kylo kidnapped me." KS-2153's eyes widen. "Yes, kidnapped me. He ... he wasn't rescuing me."
"I thought ... I thought you'd been with them so long that they'd confused you, that we were guarding you while he helped you, helped you remember."
"No. He wasn't helping me. I was his prisoner," Rey says softly.
"But you aren't now?"
"Not exactly. I know he'll never let me go, but if I don't try to leave, I think he'll let me pretend. I hope he will." Pretend? Pretend what?
"But if you're with the Resistance, the enemy ... why did he do this?"
"Because you weren't wrong before. I think ... I think he does love me in his own way. I didn't want to believe it at first, couldn't ... but he does. He certainly thinks he does." Rey looks at her hands and takes in a shuddering breath. She returns her gaze to KS-2153. "As much as he's able to, he loves me."
She believes him? He wishes she hadn't qualified his feelings, but maybe she really is going to let him love her. He ignores the tears coursing down KS-2153's cheeks.
"And how do you feel about him?" the memory version of KS-2153 asks. He focuses intensely; this prize may almost be worth his deplorable behavior. She's said she cares for him, but whatever she revealed to her friend is bound to be her true feelings.
"I'm very angry with him. He stole me. But ... I also care about him, far more than I should. I've never felt anything close to how he makes me feel." Rey reaches up and strokes the spot where his gift must rest. She's wearing it. "The way he looks at me, it's like I'm everything to him. He's so intense; it's terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I didn't know I could feel so wanted … so precious. When he touches me …" Rey blushes and shakes her head.
"Go on," KS-2153 prods.
Rey worries her bottom lip between her teeth then leans forward. "I … oh Kes, he's overwhelming. I can't think when he kisses me. I never want him to stop, but then I remember how he mur-" Rey stops herself and looks down for a moment. "It's like he's two different people. I think maybe he really is. There's B-Kylo and then there's Ren. I know he's done horrible, monstrous things ... But I can't hold on to that when I'm with him. It all falls away and there's just his eyes …"
Rey looks at her lap, gathering her thoughts, before catching KS-2153's gaze. "I think ... I think if things were different ... I think … I think I could love him," Rey whispers.
His heart stutters. Could she? Could she really? He'd never let himself hope.
KS-2153 nods.
"I don't know what to do!" Rey exclaims, then chokes out a laugh with no mirth.
"I don't understand."
Rey's hands flail. "That's what he always says, I don't know what to do. Then he does something stupid."
"The S-he has to do difficult things. We all do. But it will be over soon. You should be proud of him for being willing to do what needs to be done," the soldier says with a touch of disapproval.
Rey looks away. "I ... I don't really see it that way. I know that awful things have to be done in war. But ... there's more going on than I can share that with you. It's not my story to tell. It makes this all so much more complicated. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is real, anyway."
She still doubts this is real? This isn't compulsion, he knows everything between them is true.
"Why not?" KS-2153 tilts her head in puzzlement.
"It's to do with the Force. If it wasn't involved … But I guess it doesn't really matter, I would still have to choose between my heart and everything I believe about myself," Rey says with resignation.
"But to have his attention like that … He's the Supreme Leader!" she says, as if that clears up any conflict that Rey is feeling.
"That's the problem. I don't agree with him on … well, anything."
"The Supreme Leader is wise." There's something in the trooper's tone that snakes along Kylo's spine.
"No … no ... The First Order isn't what you think. The Resistance, they aren't terrorists. They're led by the nicest, kindest woman I've ever met. They want to free the galaxy. They would never snatch children from their families and force them to kill for them. Not like the First Order did with you, Finn, and thousands of others."
"No! They saved us! We all would have starved without the First Order! They are mother and father."
"Kes, think about it. Do you really think there are that many babies with no parents? No ... they took you. They stole you, just like Kylo stole me," Rey says firmly.
"No, they are mother and father!" the bewildered stormtrooper repeats.
"I saw the files myself. The Resistance has been gathering what they can so that when this is all over they can find your families. Finn already found where he's from. He knows his father's name and that he was born on a farm. The First Order descended and stole all the children under five. He was two. Somewhere on one of these Star Destroyers he has a brother."
KS-2153's eyes are huge and her hands are trembling. She starts shaking her head. "No. They are mother and father," she says desperately.
Rey looks at her friend for a long time. "Alright, Kes, alright."
KS-2153 nods and they sit in silence, both lost girls in women's bodies, trying to understand themselves.
Eventually Rey takes in a deep breath and jumps up. Her smile is forced, but she says brightly, "Come on, let's go see if we can figure out how to use all those colored creams and powders. Lei- uhm, a good friend used to wear that stuff and I'm sure we can find some pictures to help us. Plus, we still haven't tried on all the dresses."
They go into Rey's bedroom and Kylo realizes they won't be speaking of him any longer. He removes himself from KS-2153's consciousness.
She blinks at him and then her face crumples and she starts to weep. Kylo looks at the crying stormtroooper … the crying woman, and he tries to push away the guilt but he can't. What has he done? He should feel elated with this new knowledge, that Rey thinks she could love him, but it was bought at such cost.
This is Rey's friend and he's hurt her. Worse than that, he forced her to break Rey's trust. He'd broken her trust in both of them. She'd said she didn't think he'd invade the stormtrooper's mind. But he did. And for what? Rey hadn't done anything wrong; she'd rebuffed Wylan's advances.
He should have trusted her. She'd told him she wouldn't seek another man―she'd told him. But he hadn't listened. Again. She'd begged him to control himself and how has he behaved? He'd proven her doubt right. He's no better than Leia Organa. His word means nothing.
KS-2153, Kes, is shaking. He never should have done this. He'd told Rey he would control himself but instead he'd lost all perspective. He watches the broken woman before him and he's disgusted with himself.
"Kes," he says gently.
She looks at him with terrified eyes and holds her hands up, preparing to defend herself from whatever attack may be coming.
"No, you don't need to be afraid of me. I won't take your memories, not again."
"She trusted me. You made me betray her!"
"I did."
Kes looks up at him. "I didn't believe her, but it's true, isn't it?"
"About the stormtroopers, yes."
She sniffs and wipes her face. He sees the moment she remembers who she is, who he is and she leaps to stand at attention. "My apologies, Supreme Leader!" Her eyes are huge with fear.
"You have no reason to apologize." He knows it is he who should apologize, but he can't bring himself to debase himself in such a way. He shakes himself internally. "I'm going to put you to sleep now, change your memory, fix your mind ... undo the damage I did."
"This isn't the first time I've betrayed her, is it?" she asks with resignation.
"No," he says regretfully. "But it will be the last." He waves his hand across Kes's face and lowers her unconscious form into a chair.
He will change Kes's memory and he won't do this again. He will trust Rey. He should have always trusted Rey.
Kylo is in his 'fresher, staring at himself in the mirror. He traces Rey's scar, remembering how she'd marked him. He's hers. And he's betrayed her. She'd said that he would find a way to get what he wanted and she was right. She won't ever know, but he didn't even manage a day before he'd lost control of himself. Technically he'd not gone back on his word―he'd said he wouldn't spy. No, what he did was worse. Rey cares about Kes. He can't think of her as KS-2153 any longer. She matters to Rey, and in his unhinged state he'd not even considered that.
Looking at his reflection, he thinks of all the things Rey has called him over the months. Despicable. Torturer. Rotten. Monster.
Suddenly he can't bear the sight of his own face and he turns away. He goes to his bedroom and slips beneath the covers. Trying to push away the suffocating guilt, he stares at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry," he whispers to the empty room.
A/N:
Thank you ever so much to Meaghan M/Juulna for being simply the best beta in the galaxy. I hope you know how dear you are to me.
Thank you readers! I know this is posted out of schedule. I had intended to wait until Monday but I just couldn't. Thank you for being such marvelous people!
Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.