The Cowardice of Folly

...

The front door of Kensi Blye's bungalow swung open so hard that there was the sharp snap of cracking wood as the bottom edge slammed into the padded door stop attached to the baseboard. If she heard the sound, Kensi made no indication that she cared in the least as she grabbed the side of the door on the back swing and aided it in its arc as she slammed it closed hard enough to rattle the glass panes.

She was somewhere between seething and an out-of-body experience.

How could he do this to me!

The drive home from the Mission had done absolutely nothing to calm her anger and rage. It was pure Providence that no one had crossed her path as it probably would have turned deadly. She had been in a state of shock for most of the ride but the pressure had been building over the last hour or so and she was on the verge of quite an epic explosion of emotional release. There had been a few unlucky drivers on the 401 that had earned a little more from her than the usual one-fingered salute but she'd been too preoccupied to worry if they had actually called the police or bothered to record her verbal outbursts that had been loud enough to be heard above the drone of rush hour traffic.

Kensi could still picture her partner, rifling through his desk drawers and boxing up all of his personal belongings; cramming four years worth of their partnership into a small plastic milk crate. There had been the burgundy and gold scarf emblazoned with the Gryfindorr emblem that Eric and Nell had given him when they got back from their trip to the Las Vegas Comic Con; there was the stress ball that looked like a miniature basketball that he and Sam had been tossing back and forth over the past few weeks; the Grand Teton ball cap that Callen had given him after the team leader spent some time away on an extended skying weekend.

One item seemed to give him pause and Kensi had watched in earnest from her perch on the stairs as Deeks took his time in drawing it out of the bottom of the last drawer. Whatever it was, it was something that he had either forgotten about or didn't want to see again. It was a small, multicolored bundle but even at several yards away, she recognized the wad of her hair ties that she had repeatedly shot at him from across the bullpen during better days. It stunned her that he had kept, apparently, all of them over the years in order to have amassed such a large collection … and was holding it tenderly between his fingers as if he was remembering the days when their 'thing' had been in full swing.

Kensi had watched, transfixed, as Deeks slowly turned to cross over to her cluttered desk. He paused as if thinking it over before placing the wad of collected memories in the center of what little open space he could find. He started to turn away, but something stopped him. He spun, snatching up the hair ties and shuffled back to place it gently into the crate. Kensi watched as his shoulders shuddered and even with his back to her, she felt his tears.

And yet, he's still leaving.

She continued to observe as the detective had meticulously placed those items and more into the crate as he erased himself from the old Spanish Mission … and their world. The announcement had been made after they had finished all of their required paperwork as the day had been case-free and rather boring except for an impromptu game of intense paper football between the guys that Kensi had stayed clear of, not because Sam tended to kick the folded paper triangle clear across the room, but because it would have felt too normal … too familiar … and too damn close to what it used to be like when she could handle being within range of her partner's magnetic pull on her heart. So, she had excused herself and spent the rest of her afternoon in the armory, cleaning her service weapons as well as some of the team's tactical rifles. It was relaxing and it helped keep her mind off of the fact that she had noticed that both Sam and Deeks both had been acting a little strange since last weekend. She knew that they had become closer friends since the Sidorov ordeal and that the bond between Deeks and the Hanna family had grown strong over the past few months. If she had known what secret they had been keeping, she would have used up all of her accrued vacation time and gotten as far away from LA as humanly possible. Alaska would have been nice, or maybe Moscow … or the Dead Sea, anywhere but here, when the truth was finally revealed.

Hetty had called them all into her office and she had been surprised that Nell and Eric were waiting when the field team had finally gathered around the Operations Manager's antique desk. There had been a brief and awkward silence as Hetty seemed to wait until everyone was ready for whatever was about to come.

"I called you all here today because, one of our team members has a rather important announcement." Hetty had her eyes fixed on her pen holder and its exquisite scroll work, until her eyes rose to settle on the man standing slightly behind everyone else. "Mr. Deeks, the floor is yours."

The people standing slowly turned to find a rather flummoxed Deeks trying to find his voice, and after a short struggle, he cleared his throat and looked up. "Uh … yeah … guys, I've been … umm ..."

He faltered until Sam stepped to his side and silently placed a reassuring hand on the man's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze as he whispered. "Breathe Deeks … just let it out."

Deeks took a deep breath and let it out slowly, cleansing away his anxiety and with a firm and calm voice, he started. "It's time for me to move on." He paused and let that sink in for a moment and Kensi saw Nell step a little closer to the man she had come to see as her older and very protective brother. "I have been offered a position with another law enforcement team and even though it's breaking my heart … I know it's time for me to step out and follow this new path that's been set before me."

No one spoke. Nell made a sniffling noise and Eric placed a calming hand on her arm, Callen was slowing nodding his head as if this had been something that he had foreseen and Sam, still at Deeks' side, had a look that could only be described as proud.

"I have been struggling to make peace with … with what happened a few months ago … and I need to take some time to catch my breath, to find out if I can still function on my own or do I need to chart a new course ..."

Finally, Nell was the first to speak. "You're going back to LAPD?"

Shaking his head, Deeks dropped his eyes to the floor. "No … today was my last day with the Office of Special Projects … I turned in my two-weeks notice with Lt. Bates on Monday. I'll spend the rest of next week briefing the other detectives on any ongoing cases still on my docket and sending Hetty files on my possible replacement as your liaison."

"Where will you go after that?" Eric's voice cracked as he tried to act calm.

Deeks wiped at his cheek, hiding the wayward tear behind his hand. "Monty and I will start packing and I'll burn up whatever vacation time I have left with the department … then ..."

Now it was Kensi's turn to speak. "You're leaving LA?!"

Turning to her with sad eyes, Deeks simply nodded and Kensi felt the beginnings of panic start to swell in her soul. It was an odd experience for her as she was hardly ever truly shaken, not since she had found her bruised, shot and bleeding partner strapped to that chair in a smelly body shop. And she hated it. Morphing from panic to fear, the emotional swell pushed her on until the fear had become anger and she was spinning on her heel and walking as fast as she could from the man who could still find ways of getting right through her defenses, even when she didn't want him to.

Kensi was about to step through the wooden entry doors when she felt a firm hand close around her bicep, the warmth telling her immediately whose it was. "Let go, Deeks."

"Come on, Kens … just listen to me ..." He held on as she tried to shake him off, his grip strong but gentle at the same time.

"You're leaving … nothing else I need to hear."

There was a light tug but she held fast, her eyes locked on the thick oak doors. "Could you just please turn around and look at me?"

"No … you're leaving … we're over …" She caught herself on that one. "... our partnership is over … so if you want to keep that hand, I'd let me go if I were you." The conviction and certainty in her voice caused his fingers to slip away and release her to stumble through the doors. She was almost out of ear shot when she heard him mumble into the afternoon breeze.

"That's what I'm trying to do, Kens." The remaining three words went unspoken, but they echoed anyway.

Let you go.

That had been almost an hour ago and even in her rage, as she stompted around her living room, she could still hear her own words echoing in her head. We're over. It was like it was stuck on a loop, replaying over and over again, endlessly repeating what was her nightmare and desire all at the same time. She couldn't deny to herself that she didn't want him, almost desperately, but the shields around her heart had deep foundations, anchored in bedrock and reinforced with the rebar of a hardened life. It was going to take more than a surfer cop with dreamy Pacific blue eyes to erase the barrier that she had built between her and any chance at a serious relationship.

Fine! If he wants to go … then let him!

Maybe, this was the way … maybe, this was how their story was supposed to end, not with a bang, but with a whimper; both deciding to step off the dance floor so that they could find some way to heal and move on, to live once more. Kensi couldn't deny that her life seemed to have been stuck on "PAUSE" since that day when Callen had told her that Deeks had been shot. She had remained steady in neutral and could see that while the others had made strides to leave those dark days behind them, her own progress had been minuscule. Even with Nate's attempts to get her to see that the only way forward was with Deeks close by her side, she had chosen a different path and hoping against hope that the ragged edges of her tattered heart would heal themselves.

She had been wrong. In so many ways.

The reality was that in her efforts to guard her heart from being hurt if she lost Deeks, she had been the one to force him to leave; in essence, losing him by default. It had only been a few weeks ago that she wanted nothing more for their "Thing" … and now as she faced the very real prospect of it dying before it really breathed, she felt her heart shake at its very foundation.

His kiss had left her breathless. The touch of his skin to hers had made her feel more alive than she could ever remember experiencing before. Sharing the same air as they breathed together in that intimate moment had energized her like a shot of adrenaline, making her mind short circuit and her body ache for his.

But she had tamped it all down; pushed it under the water and held it there until it drowned. Now its life was ebbing away and all she could do was simply watch it fade into oblivion, losing the most important thing in her life as she had watched it die. It was like coming upon a frozen lake in the mountains; the challenge to cross building into something tangible, almost propelling one forward to step out onto the ice … but then the eyes saw the cracks that had already formed and the mind imagined the depth one would sink if it all gave way. The safe choice was to walk away, find another way to reach the far bank and obtain the prize. The safe choice was to leave it alone and seek something else worthy of one's desire. The safe choice protected you and kept you safe.

But at a cost.

No thrill. No challenge. No risk.

Safe.

Exactly what Kensi had wanted for her heart; to keep it safe and protected from harm. So why did it feel like it had been torn asunder? Why did the future now seem so bleak, when she had been given exactly what she thought she had wanted?

This wasn't the first time her heart had been battered this way and as her anger and rage gave way to acceptance, her old defense mechanisms began to resurface. She had been down this road when Dom and Renko had died, when Callen had been shot by Russian mobsters, and when Deeks had been fighting for his life after well laid plans went south. Coping with hurt and loss had become physical for Kensi, finding a way to forget for a short time, to escape the hurt and regret. There was a reason she had a reputation as the best "One date girl in town"; finding physical release with another human being had gotten her through some of the darkest moments in her life.

Maybe tonight was destined to find her trodding down a familiar path? That thought gave her a sudden resurgence of focus and strength and before she even truly realized what she was doing, she found herself in the shower, scrubbing away the day's dirt and sweat to be replaced by the smell of lavender and cinnamon. Kensi was almost giddy as she quickly dried her body as she rushed into her bedroom and flung open the door to her well stocked walk-in closet. She remained nude as she flipped past one dress then another, looking for the perfect outfit that would draw seeking eyes and hungry hearts.

It took her only a moment or two until she found the one she had been searching for, as it had served her well in the past, both on cases and in the real world. It was a Louis Vetan, jet black sleek material designed to conform to her every curve and compliment her deep tan. Every time she had worn it, quite few men, and even some ladies, had tripped over themselves rushing to her side with promises of a night of hedonistic pleasure … exactly what she was looking for … another escape from a world where what she wanted and what she had were two very different things.

Kensi hung the dress over the hook hanging on the back of her closet door and finished drying off. She took two steps toward her dresser to choose a set of matching intimates when she stopped herself. Tonight there would be no preliminaries, no slow pace, no need for further covering herself. Her mind was set on finding the first attractive male and escorting him somewhere that they would not be disturbed until her lust was sated and her heart numb once more. The dress would be enough and the absence of any under garments would leave no doubt as to her plans for the evening.

She wanted to lose herself in the act of love, even though she felt she would never truly deserve it from another human being. It was a vicious circle, but it was at least one situation that she was comfortable with and knew how to handle. In the morning, she would wash away any reminder of tonight's activities, but even if it was just for a little while, Kensi would find some modicum of peace.

As she turned back to tug the dress from its hanger, another article of clothing caught her eye … and stopped her cold. It was a simple t-shirt hanging at the edge of the rack but she would recognize it anywhere. The color was faded burgundy and the fabric was becoming a little thread bare as she had worn and washed it many ever since it had joined her wardrobe. The little sinful black dress was all but forgotten as Kensi walked trance like right past it to run her hand gently over the garment that was now the object of her focus.

Easing it from the hanger, Kensi held it up so she could see the designs and read the wording stenciled across the back. Led Zeppelin … Tour Over Europe 1980 along with a long list of cities that the iconic rock band had toured during that long hot summer. But Kensi wasn't thinking about the band or their classic songs, she was remembering the day that she had obtained this particular shirt.

From her partner.

It had been early in their working relationship, when they were still building trust and confidence with each other but that had happened rather quickly for both of them. The case had involved a weapons smuggling operation across the border with Mexico and the NCIS team had been teamed up with a few other acronym titled agencies to recover some M240 machine guns that had disappeared from a shipment headed to Camp Pendleton. It had all run like clock work until during one raid, instead of finding the missing weapons, they had stumbled upon a cargo container full of young girls from all over South and Central America who had found themselves swallowed up in the work of sex trafficking. Their young faces had been haunted and terrified of the armed gringoes who appeared out of the night like specters and it had taken some time to calm and reassure them that the good guys had finally arrived.

That night, when the guns finally recovered and the girls safety on their way to reunite with their grateful families, Kensi had found herself on her partner's couch, their shoulders touching as they attempted to erase the stress of the day with several tapped episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress". Deeks had kept her mind distracted by constantly droning on about the cost of some of the pricier dresses and how some of the brides showed no concern over how in debt they were placing the parents. She could remember punching him in the arm on more than one occasion and how he had simply laughed it off before moving onto another bride who could not make up her mind.

Eventually, after a few beers and the day catching up with her, Kensi had started to doze off. The alcohol in her system precluded driving herself home and Deeks had offered her the use of his guest bedroom. She'd taken a quick shower and when she had made it to the room, she found a folded t-shirt and some old sweat pants folded neatly on the bed with a yellow post-it stuck on top.

Thought you might need something to sleep in. Get some rest Kens and I'll see you in the AM. -D.

No quips about how she might like sleeping in her birthday suit or how he would be just across the hall if she needed company or any number of innuendo laden quips that he was usually sharing without reservation. Just steady reassurance that he was looking after her needs and that he wold be there when the morning came.

The sweats had ended up in his laundry hamper but the Zeppelin shirt had mysteriously found its way into her go-bag and then her closet back home. It came out when she needed to find some solace for the night, when the nightmares were too much and she couldn't bring herself to call him in the dead of night. His worn shirt that had once smelled like his detergent and fabric softener calmed her nerves better than anything she had ever found and parting with it had never entered her mind.

Kensi was pretty sure Deeks knew that she had pilfered the shirt and that she kept it at her place but he never made mention of it or acted like it was a big deal. At first, she had feared he would make something of her stealing an article of his clothing or giving her a hard time about it in front of Callen and Sam. But he never did. It was as if he was treating it as normal for two partners to do that with each other. Sharing everything as if it was simply meant to be that way.

Meant to be.

Well, not anymore.

The tears came before Kensi even realized that her emotions were peaking toward that result. Burying her face in the still soft fabric, she pressed it against her damp eyes until she saw white circles appear behind her eyelids. A sob choked in her throat and it burned when she tried to swallow it down, triggering another, then another as she clung to the cloth in her hands as if it was about to disappear … like its true owner.

"NO!"

Kensi wasn't sure if the exclamation had been spoken aloud but she didn't care. In a flash, she was slipping a loose top over a black sports bra then tugging on a pair of worn jeans as a new plan for the evening formed in her mind. She actually ran out of the house barefoot with just her keys before returning to snatch up the sandals just inside the front door.

Thoughts and ideas were flashing through her head so fast, she was having a hard time focusing on any specifics to her plan. They had to sort this out, hopefully without doing any more damage to their already broken relationship. Maybe there was a way for her to salvage this, whatever it was that was supposed to be between her and Deeks. Maybe there was still hope.

There just had to be some hope left.

There had to be.

…