Genre: Humor
Rating: K+
Characters: Hitsugaya, Unohana, Ichimaru, mentions of other captains
A.N.: I wrote two versions of this and couldn't decide which one was better, so I present both.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach and I don't own the joke e-mail that inspired this.
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It was a rare quiet day for Unohana. No major disaster happened today, even the regular Eleventh Division's Morning Brawl was unusually tame, so the Fourth Division wasn't busy for once. Unohana took the opportunity for a bit of relaxation and decided to take a walk around Seireitei and visit some people she hadn't visited for too long. Her journey took her to the office of the Tenth Division. There she found captain Hitsugaya sitting behind his desk, diligently fighting with a pile of paperwork that seemed almost as tall as him. After they exchanged their greetings, Unohana asked him a question.
"So you want to know why I always work so hard?" Hitsugaya replied. "Then, listen, I'll explain it to you.
Seireitei has thirteen captains. Three deserted us. That leaves ten. Ukitake is ill. That leaves nine. Kenpachi got lost on the way back from his last mission. That leaves eight. Kyouraku is perpetually drunk or hung-over. That leaves seven. Kurotsuchi is too engrossed in his experiments. That leaves six. Komamura has trouble holding a brush in his paws. That leaves five. Kuchiki is too busy tending to his clan. That leaves four. Soifon spends her time admiring pictures of Yoruichi. That leaves three. Yamamoto sleeps twenty hours a day. That leaves two. And you are here in my office asking why I'm overworked!"
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Ichimaru was bugging Hitsugaya again.
"Yer no fun, lil' taichou," he drawled. "Why d'ya do all the paperwork?"
"I'll tell you," Hitsugaya replied. "There are thirteen captains in the Gotei 13. Ukitake is bedridden again. That leaves twelve. Kurotsuchi can't be bothered to do anything that isn't his experiments. That leaves eleven. Kenpachi got lost again because Yachiru was navigating. That leaves ten. Tousen is blind. That leaves nine. Kyouraku is drunk. That leaves eight. Komamura has trouble holding his brush. That leaves seven. Kuchiki is busy leading his clan. That leaves six. Aizen is away on a mission. That leaves five. Unohana has her hands full with healing the Eleventh Divisioners who beat up each other every morning. That leaves four. Soifon is off looking for any clue about Yoruichi's location. That leaves three. Yamamoto falls asleep every time he sits down. That leaves two. And you're here bugging me!"