She was small and slim, her skin was smooth and light brown, her eyes a dark shade of green. Her eyes were kind and her smile showed off a perfect row of white teeth. She always wore a dark shade of pink lip gloss but the rest of her face had no makeup, and her hair was always pulled back into a little ponytail. She wore glasses and was always in a multi-coloured dress, whatever the weather.
Kurt had found her a little over 3 years ago, here in New York, while he had been having a lot of trouble settling in.
She eventually got his full story out of him, and had helped him deal with a lot of his earlier problems.
He hadn't seen her for months now though, nearly 8 in fact, and she watched as he came in the door, wringing his hands a little nervously. As he sat on the couch though she gave him a kind smile before taking out her files and notebook.
Kurt stared across the room before having the courage to look at her, and she raised an eyebrow but said nothing, writing down in her pad before crossing her legs and leaning towards him.
"Why did you come back to see me today, Kurt?" She asked in her gentle tone, which was one of the many reasons that Kurt had decided she was the one he was sticking with, her kind and gentle voice.
He took a deep breath and sighed, expelling a little of his nerves before placing his hands in his lap and turning to her.
"I had a very vivid nightmare." He told her, which she wrote down before looking back up to him.
"About your abuse?" She asked and Kurt nodded slowly.
"Yes."
"And you haven't had one for how long?"
"2 months, at least."
"Has anything stressed you out lately?"
"Not really, everything has been good."
"I see," she nodded to herself and wrote down his answers, her pen squiggles were kind of a comfort to Kurt's nervousness, and he found himself relaxing a little in the couch, "how's your relationship?"
"It's great, Blaine has been fantastic and so understanding." He told her with a wistful smile on his face, and she gave him a big grin.
"Wonderful, and how's school?"
"I just had an art gallery showcase, and met one of my idols. Daniel Schoman."
"Well done Kurt, that's exciting."
"Yeah." He said trying and failing to give her a grin, and she narrowed her gaze but not in a judgemental way, more trying to figure out what emotion he was emitting.
"You don't seem too happy right now." She pointed out and Kurt gave a small shrug.
"I'm not," he admitted, "I mean- why did I have another one now? I don't understand, I thought I was past it."
"What happened to you when you were young, it was traumatic, and it's not something people just get past Kurt. You are doing very well."
"It doesn't feel like it now." he said sadly, with a shake of his head, "Shouldn't I be moving on with my life? Instead, all I get are these dreams, and I relive that nightmare in...HIS house."
"Still can't say his name?" She asked without any judgement, because she had known from the start what kind of triggers Kurt had for horrifying flashbacks.
"No."
"What about when other people use it?"
"It still shocks me I guess, so nobody says it."
"Ok."
Kurt watched her as she scribbled again in her notebook, and he took another deep breath. She glanced up at him over her tiny glasses and waited patiently.
"Will it be like this forever?" He asked quietly, and she only raised an eyebrow before finishing what she was writing before turning back to him with a small smile.
"The thing about traumatic experiences is, that they never really leave us, we just learn to live with them and not them control us." She said quietly, and Kurt nodded as he stared down at his hands, fiddling with his thumbs, "You must have been shocked about his death?"
Kurt started at that, and looked up at her with wide eyes. She was just waiting patiently for an answer, not that she ever told Kurt he should answer, but he found himself unable to keep anything from this lady.
"I was a little."
"How did it make you feel?" She asked as she took up her pen again, beginning to scribble more in her pad.
"No different."
"And what's the situation with your medication? You're on a lower dose, do you think you need to go back up?"
"I don't want to," Kurt said adamantly, and she nodded, "do you think I should?"
"How have you been sleeping, apart from this incident?"
"Ok."
"Ok?" She asked with a raised eyebrow and Kurt almost laughed at her comical looking facial expression.
"Sleep has always been difficult for me, and I think the lower meds, and Blaine, has been helping a lot more."
"I see." She nodded her acceptance of his explanation and then placed her pen and pad down on her desk next to her, before clasping her hands together and giving Kurt a tentative look, "Can I be blunt?"
"S-sure."
"Have you had sex with Blaine?" She asked and Kurt bit his lip, a little uncomfortable with the question but ultimately answering.
"Erm...no, n-not that I haven't tried."
"Is it difficult to get to that point?" She asked again bluntly and Kurt could feel the heat rush to his cheeks, "The warm up I mean."
"No, when we're...kissing and other things, it's so easy to get lost in the feel of him, because he's everything I ever imagined in a boyfriend." Kur explained with a small smile and she smiled back.
"And when it comes to the actual sex?" She asked again and he frowned.
"I freeze...my anxiety kicks in and I push him away."
"Hm," She hummed a little and he could see the wheels turning in her mind, while he waited for her to deduce something, "being blunt again Kurt, but have you touched yourself?"
"Meaning?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Do you masturbate?"
"I- erm...no."
"Why not?" She asked a little more softly, politely and he shrugged as he glanced around the room.
"I'm not sure...lack of confidence...erm-not being able to separate my own touches from his?"
"Are you asking me?" She said with a small smile which then made him laugh a little.
"I guess I really don't have an answer. But the meds seriously affected my libido too, so I've never felt the urge."
"You didn't ever have an erection while you were taking the medication?"
"No."
"Ok," She sat back a little and placed her arms across her chest, watching him with a calculating look, "and that has changed I hope?"
"Yes, I get them now. Though sometimes it's still a little bit of a shock."
"And you've never tried to touch?"
"No."
"Ok, well I think maybe you have intimacy issues, and I don't blame you. But the human mind and body work on different wavelengths, the body pushes itself to feel better, where as the mind takes a lot more time. So I will ask you to work on one thing for me."
"Yes?" He asked a little hesitantly and she gave him a small smile.
"Touch yourself. You need to build up the affiliation of pleasure under your own control, but don't push it. Would that be ok as a task?"
"You want me to jerk off?" He asked a little bluntly and she gave him a small laugh.
"I want you to try." she said with a smile, "But, do not make it a big thing...if at any point you feel it isn't something you like, then it's time to stop and to relax. There is no timetable for your own pleasure, whenever you get there is up to you."
"Ok." He nodded feeling like he could try this task of hers, if it could help his mind heal.
"I'm proud of how far you have come, Kurt, don't forget this time last year you could barely touch my hand." She reminded him as she held out her hand for him to shake, and he did with another grin.
"I know."
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
He had told Blaine about his therapist appointment, and what she had given him as a task, and Kurt could swear that Blaine's brain disappeared half way through his explanation. And he had smirked to himself as he watched his boyfriend stumble over his words.
"So when will you be trying that?" He had asked, and Kurt had given him an incredulous look.
"It won't be a spectator sport Blaine."
That had been 3 days ago, and Kurt had some time to himself today.
Rachel was out, having lunch with some of her theater friends from Nyada, and so Kurt decided that maybe he had a few hours to himself to try this out. He had a shower, relaxing his muscles with the hot water, and quickly dried off before he decided the best place to do it would be his bed.
He lay there for a few minutes thinking about how to start, but nothing was happening so he tried to think of some sexy thoughts. Like his boyfriend. Yeah, that could work.
Blaine's bare chest, the trail of hair that led from his belly button to the waistband of his jeans. His eyes, when they turned dark when he was turned on. Kurt closed his eyes and pictured his boyfriend perfectly, beginning to feel the pull of arousal deep in his stomach.
He pictured himself licking across the top of Blaine's jeans, from one hip to the other, laving his tongue softly over every curve and bump of Blaine's abdomen. He pictured those tight muscles under his hands, could feel the soft warmth of the skin in his fingertips.
He could feel the stirring in his abdomen, and the heat rushed south when he thought back to the time he had Blaine's cock in his grip. He could picture the ghost feeling of the flesh warm, solid and silky smooth in his palm, his fingers clenched in the sheets of his bed.
He let himself get lost in that image, Blaine's face as he came, the breaths coming from him rapidly as he calmed down. Kurt's own erection was hard now, and aching to be touched. He slowly moved his own hand down from his chest, moving over the bumps and curves of his own abdominal muscles, imaging it was Blaine's hand.
He gasped a little as his fingers brushed the heated flesh of his cock, and slowly but surely wrapped his fingers around it. He toyed around with the grip on himself, going from soft and gentle to hard, and then back again.
He moaned a little breathily to himself and used his other hand to touch over his chest, flicking a nipple with his thumb, causing his whole body to shiver in anticipation, before gripping himself in hand again.
The saliva that had pooled in his mouth was swallowed quickly, a loud gulp echoing in his empty room and he started stroking, softly at first. His toes curled in the bed sheets and he could feel the pleasure building in his abdomen.
Who knew it could feel like this?
There was no rush, that was what his therapist told him. He just needed to get used to bringing himself pleasure, something he hadn't ever done. He licked his lips as his thumb grazed over the tip, and he paused a little, fascinated to find his thumb slipping through warm pre-come.
He angled his hand down again, dragging his thumb through the warm liquid and pulling it down the shaft, making his glide a little more slippery. The pleasure kicked up a notch, and he turned his head to the side, burying his face into his own pillow.
His hand moved a little faster up and over, using his palm to capture more fluid and then back down again, his fingers flexing around his cock, dragging the skin up and down with the movement. He pushed his head back into the pillow and gasped as he tightened his fist around his cock, tingling at the sensation crawling up his spine.
It was ecstasy, he found, touching himself so intimately like this. The rhythm of his hand sped up again, as he crawled closer to the finish line, gathering more and more pre-come as it appeared and smearing it over his hand. The slippery sensation of it was heady, and he gasped again as his thumb caught the ridge just underneath the head of his cock, pleasure spiking a little.
He placed his feet down onto his bed, a better angle to move his hips up and down with his hand, thrusting into his fist as it descended. God, this was incredible.
As his movement became faster, and his hips stuttered, he began to get a warm feeling in his chest, that spread over his neck and up into his face, the tingly feeling in his spine pooled low in his stomach and he jerked upwards as he came. He moaned low and long as he pumped himself through the feeling, not willing to stop but knowing that it was over.
He raised his hand as he opened his eyes, and looked down at the mess that had splashed across his own stomach and wrist, before sighing contentedly and laying back into the mattress.
"Wow." was all he could breathe out breathlessly, and he didn't have the energy to move for a few minutes, just laying and basking in the afterglow of his pleasure.
He smiled to himself when he became more coherent, and then chuckled as he got up to go and clean himself off. That had felt really good, and it was nice to know that he didn't have any trouble performing on his own. At least it was a step in the right direction.