I am sad that I hadn't touched this story in almost a month. And since I was amazingly in a semi-good mood I decided to take advantage of that and finish this chapter. All the characters were supposed to be in this, but Pycal got left out. Too busy burning the world down for me.

Round Nine Part One

"The one leaving tonight is..." Stan looked long and hard at the last three standing. "Magical Gore-tex Parka Eskimo."

Lupin was shocked, only able to stare blank-faced at the screen. He never lost. Never.

Zenigata felt as though a giant fist slammed itself into his stomach. In a way it was as if he lost as well. He stared over at Lupin in sadness.

"Oh. My. GOD," Jigen yelled out as he glared up at Stan. "What the hell do I have to do to get off this damn show?! I mean, seriously, tell me! Tell me what I have to do! Because I've been trying to suck for the last I don't know how many competitions and yet you never chose me to leave! Why?! WHY?!"

Zenigata glanced down as Jigen was now on his knees sobbing. He then looked back at Lupin, who continued staring off, as if trying to figure this whole "defeated loser" thing out.

"Magical Gore-tex Parka Eskimo," Stan said, ignoring the sad sobbing hatted man and staring at Lupin. "You have so much more you can do with your time. I have to wonder why you even bothered to come on this show."

Stan no longer cared if he called the current ratings smash a show or not. He was long ago told by producers to continue making a mockery out of it, as the viewers seemed to love the cheese factor.

"I... I wanted my own comic book," Lupin said, lower lip quivering. "And my own superhero movie!" he said while sobbing into his sleeve.

"Um, Lupin." Zenigata stared in annoyance at the man.

"Has anyone ever told you how effing stupid you are?" Jigen yelled while glaring up at Lupin.

Lupin continued to cry.

"What Jigen is trying to say is you have your own comic." Zenigata didn't seem too happy to have to tell Lupin this.

Lupin stopped crying and stared in confusion at Zenigata. "I do?"

"Oh my god..." Jigen muttered, trying to not kill the thief.

"Yes," Zenigata answered as he stared in disbelief at Lupin. "You've had several series of comics done by different people. Plus all those weird yaoi ones fans have made. Also, all those movies you've been in. You know, the ones where you save the world and yet never get laid for your efforts, and where I'm the stumbling and bumbling retard, and Goemon is the girl while Jigen is useless? Those movies?"

"When am I ever helpful?" Jigen asked, as if that was a known fact his movie role was useless sidekick.

"Well, there was that time when- oh, no, nevermind. I was thinking of something else."

"Exactly." Jigen scoffed. "I only do it for the paychecks."

"Wait, they pay you?"

Jigen could only stare at the man.

While their discussion was going on Lupin gazed off into the distance as he contemplated the deeper things in life. "Oh yeah," he said, breaking from his intelligent thought and back to the horrid movies he starred in. "I remember those. What am I doing here, then?" he wondered, stepping off the block while shrugging out of his jacket. "I'm outta here. See you losers later. I need to go talk to some writers about that never getting laid thing." He tossed his jacket in the trash can and walked off the roof.

"Okay, then," Stan said while putting on a smile. "It is now down to the final two. Bringer of Magical Sweet Tasting Cookies and Super Magical Mofo Pimp, return to the lair and get some sleep. I have a feeling you'll be needing it."

Jigen and Zenigata stared at each other, realizing they had the whole lair to themselves and happy for it, all except for the part about having it to themselves.

Eyes narrowed as they sized each other up.

"You're going down, Hippie," Zenigata said.

"Oh yeah, Gramps? Bring it on!"

There was another three seconds of glaring before they felt they did their moment of cheese for the fans and left the roof.

Ten hours later...

Jigen and Zenigata woke up from their hangovers, the two having fallen into a depressed state of drunkenness after realizing what sad and boring lives they actually led.

"Superheroes," Stan yelled cheerfully at the two.

Jigen threw an empty beer bottle through the TV.

"I have great news for the both of you," Stan continued in his jovial ways.

Jigen looked up, for the first time realizing the place had more than one TV. His head jerked from one screen to the next. "Oh god..." The sweat of panic drizzled down his brow. "He's... he's everywhere!"

Zenigata watched as beer, vodka and scotch bottles went flying in every direction. Some hit their mark, but most missed. "And you call yourself a marksman," he scoffed.

Jigen beaned him in the nuts with a bottle, smiling in satisfaction as Zenigata was rolled up in a fetal position and moaning on the floor.

"Today, we're going to do something fun!" The smile of which was portrayed on Stan's face was frightening. So frightening, in fact, that it was reported immediately after that sixteen people died instantly after witnessing such a horrifying thing.

"Whee, fun," Jigen said, the lack of enthusiasm dripping from his words.

"Today, we're going to go to the tzzzrrrooo-!"

The TV turned to snow and static noise as another feed tried it's best to come through.

Various bits of profanity were heard through the static noise.

The screen finally stopped rolling, the snow fading as the feed was how it should be, an evil grinning Disco Ant staring at them.

"Hello, my friends," he said, as if trying to proposition them for something nasty. "Hey, wait a second." Disco Ant stared hard into the screen. "Where's the idiot in the big coat?"

Jigen and Zenigata looked around the room.

"How is he seeing us?" Zenigata whispered.

Jigen shrugged. "Surprised he can see after seeing you naked."

"Wait, what? When did that happen?"

"Last night. You threw off all your clothes, said you were a cowboy and then tried to ride the couch, of which I will never get within ten feet of ever again."

"It was pretty disturbing," Disco Ant said with a sad nod.

Zenigata stared down in shame and embarrassment.

"Oh, and don't worry. Nobody saw it." Disco Ant grinned big. "Except for the millions of people watching on the internet."

Zenigata wondered if he could kill himself with stale cookies. Oh how he wished to have his gun again.

"But, anyway, onto real business." Disco Ant walked to a chair and sat down, crossing his legs and folding his hands together onto his lap.

Behind his were two curtains. He lifted his left hand and one curtain fell, revealing a cage. Inside of the cage was an old woman, looking quite bewildered.

"Mu-mother," Zenigata said in shock.

"Ko-Ko?" she wondered, looking around.

Jigen began to laugh.

"Where are you?" she asked. "And why am I in a cage?"

"Mother, don't worry! I'll have you out in no time!" He looked at a grinning Disco Ant. "You fiend! What have you done to my mother?!"

"Done to her?" Disco Ant wondered with a confused look. "Don't you mean what she has done to me? All she's done since we've had her was nag me about my clothes and the way I speak and my hair. My hair! My hair is delicious! Nobody puts down my hair! So, if you want back which you are so fond of, I suggest you hurry! Before I choke her to death with a fistful of my wonderful hair!"

"You wouldn't," Zenigata gasped.

"Ko-Ko! Are you married yet?" His mother gave him a scolding stare. "I'm not getting any younger! I'd like to have grandkids before my hundredth birthday! Oh, why couldn't you have been like your cousin Rai-Rai? He's given his parents six grandkids, plus he's the president of the National Bank! And what are you? You shame me, my son!"

"I'm sorry, mother," Zenigata said, almost reduced to sobs from the shame she threw at him.

"Sure you want to save her?" Jigen asked while rolling his eyes.

"Please take her," Disco Ant begged with a look of desperation.

"Oh boy, can't wait to see who I have to rescue," Jigen said sarcastically. "What gem from my past have you drudged up?"

"Well, actually... We didn't, really." Disco Ant laughed nervously.

The curtain to the right of him was lowered to reveal a sheep trapped inside of the cage.

Jigen was not amused.

"You see, Jigen, your life is so pathetic and filled with hilarious tragedy that anyone you've ever had feelings for is now dead. It's like these women fling themselves in front of wayward bullets just so they don't have to suffer the fate of marrying you. And god forbid they have to sleep with you. That's cause for throwing oneself in front of a speeding bus, as those are more common than wayward bullets and bring a much quicker end to one's miserable future existence."

"They kill themselves?" Jigen wondered. "Really? Because of me?"

Disco Ant laughed in pleasure.

"Hmm. Now I have to figure out a way for this to work on Fujiko..."

Disco Ant stopped laughing. "You are an insufferable human being," he muttered.

"But mother," Zenigata said, continuing to listen to her nagging. "You don't have another son."

"Exactly!" she spat.

The sheep looked dumb and bleated.

"Oh shut up," Jigen yelled.

Both Zenigata and his mother gave him the death leer.

"I was talking to the sheep!" Jigen looked away from both, not wanting to be there anymore.

Disco Ant cackled. "I suggest if you want to see these two hideous beings alive that you hurry and save them. And by the time you get your first clue, I will have stashed them somewhere in a heavily guarded and fortified area, so be prepared to fight for the one you care most about."

The screen shut off, then quickly came back on again, a shocked Stan staring at them. "That devious Disco Ant! Well, superheroes, I hope you are prepared for this task. Your brains will have to be in tip-top shape to solve what Disco Ant has prepared for you. Now go forth and excelsior!"

The screen went blank.

"Did he say 'first clue'?" Jigen glanced over at Zenigata.

Zenigata nodded.

"Kill me now," Jigen sighed as he walked off to get dressed.

Both now in their superhero outfits and inside of the SUV, they waited patiently to be taken to wherever it was they were to be taken.

Neither were happy when the car stopped at a park.

"This is where I let you two off," the driver said. "Excelsior and all that."

The two got out of the car and looked around.

"Look, mommy," a boy of around six years of age said while pointing at Zenigata. "It's the cowboy!"

The boys mother gasped in horror and covered her son's eyes, quickly rushing him away while giving Zenigata a glare of shame.

Zenigata sighed sadly. More shame cast upon him was definitely not what he needed.

"Jigen."

Jigen looked behind him as Mamo approached.

"Hmm?"

"You know, I tried your world hunger approach this morning." Mamo got an evil grin. "Brilliant! I have the EU and the United States alone throwing seven billion dollars at me to aid in my research! Isn't this world great?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Jigen looked away from the creepy blue skinned semi-midget. "If you don't mind, I have a sheep to rescue."

"Oh yes, that's why I'm here. I have a clue to give you as to the sheeps whereabouts."

"Wonderful," Jigen sighed.

Mamo took out a piece of paper and began to read from it. "I am a large room and sometimes my roof is arched. I am above the ground, on the ground and underneath it. Inside of me are many things, such as metal, bodies and rocks. What am I?"

Jigen stared at the man. "I don't know. An old and creepy sort-of-kind-of midget?"

"Not me, you dolt! The clue! The clue!"

Jigen just shrugged.

"And I am not a midget," Mamo yelled while stomping a foot.

"Whatever." Jigen turned and walked off.

"Riddles?" Zenigata was not happy.

"Inspector," a hushed voice nearby said.

Zenigata looked to his left to see Melon sitting on a park bench and acting not very conspicuous as she had her face buried in a newspaper.

"I have something for you," she whispered.

Zenigata was not amused and sat down next to her.

"I can be made of metal," she began to read. "I can be made of wood. I can hold many people, although I prefer to display things more natural and sweeter while standing by the road. What am I?"

"The hell should I know," he groused.

"You can be disqualified if I give you the answer."

"I'm not asking for the answer!"

"You don't need to be so rude," she muttered as she stood and walked off.

Zenigata could only sigh.

"Hmm," an old mustachioed man said as he stared off in thought.

Jigen stared at him, every second ticking by making him that more annoyed and impatient. He didn't have all day to save his sheep.

"An arched roof and it holds things..."

"Yes, that's what I said."

"I would say what you're looking for is a vault."

"Vaults don't have arched roofs..."

"No, but an arched roof is said to be vaulted. Like a vaulted ceiling." The man chuckled, proud of his riddle-solving prowess.

"Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. Man, this thinking thing is rough."

"You'll get used to it, sonny."

"So, I'm looking for a vault. Is there anything around here like that?"

"There is a bar called The Vault just down the street. Their bloody marys are superb."

"A bar? I am there." Jigen ran off.

"Gallows," Zenigata said excitedly, that excitement quickly fading. "No, those only hold people." He let out a sigh. "The only other thing I can come up with is a fruit stand, but that's stupid."

Zenigata walked on, staring at the ground as he thought. He never noticed that he walked right by a fruit stand, a sad lonely and dejected Goemon standing there.

Goemon said nothing. It was as he thought: everyone hated him. Example after example was thrust into his face, letting him know what a pathetic excuse of a loser he was. He was now ready to accept that fate.

His so-called friends hated him, the movie writers hated him, and even Monkey Punch only saw him as just a samurai.

He now wondered why he spent the last hour rewriting the riddle he was given to better suit his interests.

With a diminished sigh and crushed dreams he walked off, dragging his feet as lifeless eyes stared at the ground that held more importance than he did.

Jigen walked into the bar and saw Fujiko sitting at a table, alone and sipping some fancy girly drink. "Now's my chance," Jigen mumbled to himself.

Fujiko looked up as he approached her. "Great, I'm supposed to help you?"

"Fujiko, I have something to say to you. Something... something I've never once said before."

Fujiko watched in confusion as the man she despised sat down across from her and grabbed her hands in his.

"Fujiko, I love you," Jigen said with much conviction. "I know it may not seem like it and I always treated you so horribly, but that was because I cared so much about you and couldn't admit it to myself, nor to the world, as this undying devotion I have had since the first time our eyes met is much too powerful a thing for one man to take on, let alone the world to have to bear."

Fujiko gasped as she leaned back. Never had anyone spoke so powerfully to her about such things as love.

"Fujiko, I want you to marry me. Please, marry me right now. I cannot take this not having you any longer. Sleep with me, Fujiko! Bare my children!"

The people in the bar began to look on with disgust.

"Jigen, I... I never knew that... that you-"

"Hey, what the hell is this?" Lupin asked in anger as he stomped up to the table.

Jigen glared up at him. "Damn it, what are you doing here? Don't you have women to bang or something?"

"And don't you have stupid riddles to solve? And get your hands off my girlfriend," he said as he smacked Jigen's hands.

"Girlfriend?" Fujiko seethed with anger. "How dare you claim to own me!"

"But, Fu-" He was stopped with a hard slap to the face.

"This man," she said while pointing to Jigen. "This brave and wonderful man has said words to me of which you have never said. All the years I've known you all you can say is "Sleep with me" or words similar to that. You have not once opened up your heart, admitted to yourself what you don't wish to admit, and tell me how much you long for my womb to hold your child!"

"But, Fu-" Another slap to the face.

"Jigen is a wonderful man and will be a wonderful father to my children!"

"Really?" Jigen wondered.

"Pfft, no, of course not." Fujiko sat down and continued to sip on her drink. "I overheard the whole sheep thing. Trust me, it isn't you."

"It's not?"

"Pfft, of course it is!" she laughed. "Like anyone would want to be with you!"

"But, Fu-" Lupin stopped, surprised when he didn't feel the harsh sting of love on his face. "But, Fujiko!"

"What?!"

Lupin paused and stared at her. "I don't know anymore."

Fujiko rolled her eyes, finished her drink and left.

"Hey, what about my riddle?" Jigen wondered.

"Oh, was that the paper they gave me?" Lupin wondered. "I used that to roll a joint in the bathroom. Thought it tasted funny."

Jigen stared at him. "You did that on purpose. I know you did."

Lupin shrugged and ran off after Fujiko.

Zenigata continued walking, all the while contemplating life and the decisions he had made it in.

It was never a good place to be, thinking, no, regretting everything you have ever done since birth.

Zenigata was too deep in thought to see that he was about to walk into a man.

And the man was too deep in thought to see that Zenigata was about to walk into him.

But there they were, on a collision course of destiny, their lives soon to change in a brief moment of contact.

"Oh, excuse me," Zenigata said to the man, who he now saw was Mamou.

"Whatever," Mamou said, not even bothering to look at Zenigata.

"Oh, hey, I bet you're who I'm supposed to see about my next riddle."

"A riddle?" Mamou was not much into this game anymore. "Oh yeah." He fished the paper he was given out of his pocket. "I am an abattoir. What am I?"

"Abattoir. Abattoir." Zenigata thought long and hard.

"I am a slaughterhouse," Mamou said. "What am I?"

"Slaughterhouse..."

Mamou glared at the man. "I am where they kill cows and I am located at 1637 East Swallow Road. Go there now."

"Kill cows..."

Mamou groaned and walked off.

"Wait a second," Zenigata said as it finally hit him. "They're going to kill my mother?" He was not happy, hijacking a car and speeding off to the location.

"A place where time begins and ends," Jigen thought, being given a riddle from Mr. X. "Help is there at the click of a button. And Jell-o."

He was stumped on the Jell-o part until he realized his many memories of eating the stuff after one of his girlfriends was shot or burned half to death is some freak accident.

"Oh, Jell-o! A hospital!" Jigen was proud of himself, running off to the nearby hospital.

"Mother, I'm here!" Zenigata had driven the car into the old unused slaughterhouse and was now standing in the mostly pitch black room.

There was a shuffle in the dark.

Zenigata squinted, straining to see what it was.

A low bleating sound from the corner.

Zenigata stared suspiciously.

Quiet clomping of hooves that progressed quicker.

Zenigata stepped back.

A loud bleat as a sheep lunged out from the darkness.

Zenigata screamed, the sheep landing on him and proceeding to hump his leg. "You're not my mother," was all he could get out as tears of shame fell from his eyes.

The sheep kept it's death grip on his leg, which waved about madly in the air trying to fling the horny beast away.

"You're not my sheep," Jigen said as he pointed at the old woman.

"And you're not my Ko-Ko," the old woman replied with equal amounts of annoyance in her voice.

"Hmm, maybe I read the riddle wrong..."

"What is that you're wearing, young man?" the woman demanded to know. "Are you a pimp?"

Jigen backed away from the woman's death glare.

"You are a disgusting man to hold such an awful profession! How many of these hos do you own, mister?"

Jigen's right eye twitched, the death glare seeping away all life from his soul.

"And why don't you get a haircut, you hippie?" the woman yelled while beating Jigen with her cane. "You people sicken me!"

Jigen whined, the whine turning into a loud scream as he turned and fled from the building.

"When was the last time you ate?" the woman yelled as she followed him, the old nag quite quick for her age. "You're all skin and bones! Does your mother know where you are? Are you married? Do your parents have grandchildren?"

Jigen could only scream in response, but he found no matter how fast he ran and how many corners he turned that the woman was always right behind him.

"How'd you lose her?" Zenigata wondered.

Hours had passed, the two back to the lair, having completed each others task, the sheep and the old woman saved from the evil grasp of Disco Ant.

"I didn't," Jigen sighed. "She's standing outside berating the door."

"Hmm, I thought I heard a familiar sound."

"Ugh, how'd you put up with it," Jigen asked as he sat down at the table and opened a can of beer, which he then guzzled in one drink.

Zenigata shrugged.

"So, what happened to the sheep?"

Zenigata pointed to the pot sitting on the stove.

Jigen gasped. "You didn't!"

"Unfortunately, I couldn't. It ran off after a dog before I could catch it."

"So, what's in the pot?"

"Nothing," Zenigata sighed sadly. "We're out of food. Lupin stopped by while we were out." He tossed Jigen a crumbled up piece of paper.

Jigen didn't bother reading it. "You want take-out?"

"Pizza?"

"Sounds good to me." Jigen grabbed the phone. He made the order and set the phone down.

"So, tomorrow is another day." Zenigata looked over at Jigen.

"Two more days left."

Zenigata nodded. "So, you gonna bring it on, hippie?"

Jigen groaned. He forgot it was the daily dose of cheese they needed to give the viewers. "I'll bring it. In fact, I'll bring so much of it that the word 'it' will be referred to as 'the thing of which Jigen brings'."

"Wow, that was retarded."

"It sure was," Jigen said with a smile, proud to have beaten Zenigata in the 'most retarded thing said' category.

I'm pretty sure I stole the 'bring it' part. Actually, I did steal it. I found it funny and it stuck with me. So, it's retarded in the funny/dumb type of way. :D And I don't think all the specials/movies are awful. Just most of them. For the reasons Zenigata said. Well, except for the Lupin getting laid part. Although they really should give the guy a break. He's gonna go all psycho killer in Animeland one of these days. I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to see/hear/have to listen to details about him having sex. Seeing his anorexic body is enough to kill my eyes temporarily. Dear artist peoples, either keep their clothes on or put some meat on their bones.