A/N: I'm not even going to lie to you anymore; I can't keep up with review replying to every review. You have no fucking idea what conflicting feelings of elation and utter self-battery this creates in me, but know that I absolutely read every single review, and if I could suspend time, I would reply to all of them with wet kisses of thanks.
I am this week's Friday Free-For-All, hosted by the fabulous Ninapolitan. Guess what my FFFA will be? Another installment in the Prequels. If you don't have them on alert, click on over to my profile... I'm pretty sure you can figure out where this next installment is headed, I only hope that I can do these sweet boys justice.
I have another outtake being posted sometime either this week or next as well (written by a guest author), so you'll want to make sure you're on the Outtakes alert, too. It's not smutty, but oh, is it worth a read. I'm not going to spoil anything about it, except to say that it's a huge plot point. You'll be fine without it, but with it? Your head might explode with information/glee. js.
Hugs and smooches to my beta, Siouxchef.
There's another A/N at the bottom of this chapter with more things I need to say.
The room was dark and I could hear myself crying still, but my brain was fuzzy and beginning to ache. Both of their warm bodies turned to mine, arms crossed over my abdomen, and I felt like I only had the energy left to ask one question, knowing my wine-soaked brain would allow it through the filter and common sense I normally had.
"Do you think I'm a whore?"
"What?" Edward asked softly.
"Do. You. Think. I'm. A. Whore?" I enunciated each word, slightly irritated at having to repeat my question.
Jasper's hand began to stroke my bare skin and I closed my eyes.
"Honey, we had this talk just like, two weeks ago. No one thinks you're a whore. Why would you even ask that again?"
"Oh God. Charlie's going to think I'm a whore." The words came out in a stuttering sob. "I just thought I could not tell him, but Angela's right. She's right," my voice turned to a whisper. "I have to tell him. I mean, we're going to move, and get married, well, not married, but … something. And we're gonna have babies. Really cute babies, right? And he'll wanna be a grandpa to them, but what will I say when he asks whose baby it is? What if he disowns me? How did you ever tell Esme and Carlisle?"
I was a babbling, drunk, mostly incoherent mess.
"Why don't you get some sleep, love. If you're still feeling this bad about it in the morning, we can talk when everyone is sober and wide awake."
Nodding, I curled up between them. I used one hand behind me to motion and let Jasper know I wanted him closer to me. Facing Edward, I looked into his eyes and saw the love and concern he had for me.
I mentally berated myself again for being so stupid and allowing myself to get so drunk that I couldn't even think rationally. Sleep came quickly, mere moments after the last chastisement crossed my brain.
The first thing I thought when I woke up was, why oh why with the wine? Granted, the last time I had that much it essentially led to my relationship with Edward and Jasper, but this time? The result was vastly different.
I knew in my heart that we needed to have the conversation, however. Even though Jasper had reassured me in Forks, my brain was still snagging on the fact that I had major guilt over our situation. There was only so long I could avoid the topic or delay the inevitable discussion of what to do about Charlie. I knew from his phone call the other day that he was getting suspicious about us, and it felt like a matter of time before he knew the full truth, if he didn't already.
Turning my head to look at the clock, I realized that I was still feeling a little spinny in my head. My stomach wasn't feeling so great, either, I realized once I tried to sit up. There was a tall glass of water on the nightstand next to a bottle of ibuprofen, both of which I was extremely grateful for. I opened the bottle and took two small pills, washing them down with the entire glass of water, which I hoped would help my cotton mouth.
Once I had swallowed the last drop of liquid, I closed my eyes and slid back under the blankets. I had no idea where Edward and Jasper were, I just knew I needed at least a few more minutes of sleep. It was the middle of summer and I relished being able to sleep in endlessly. As the warmth of the down and the light scent of both Edward and Jasper on the bedding surrounded me, I drifted back to sleep to the lullaby of a summer storm with thunder and lightning.
The next time I woke up, it was to a warm body pressed behind mine. Feather-light kisses were being left in a trail across my shoulders, wet lips dragging on my skin after each. I took a moment to gauge the state of my head and noted that the throb had dulled considerably. I turned around to face the person in bed with me, and smiled at Jasper.
"Feel okay?" he whispered.
I nodded lightly, feeling my brain slosh in my head, then closed my eyes. His hand ran through my hair and I smiled. The tip of his rough finger traced across my closed eyes and moved on to the brow above them.
"What time is it?"
His thumb had made its way to my cheekbone and I opened my eyes to watch him. He was smiling back at me, taking his time tracing the features of my face, as if memorizing each detail.
"Just a little after noon," Jasper said, lips brushing tentatively against mine.
My breathing labored and picked up speed at his teasing touches between our mouths. His free hand trailed down beneath the blanket to my breast. His lips were still plucking at mine as he softly touched me, starting at the swell of my breast and moving across to my hip, down my outer thigh. On the return path to my face, he ran his fingers up the middle of my body, conspicuously avoiding direct contact with anywhere I wanted him to be touching.
"Baby, you know Edward and I love you, right?"
I smiled at his use of the same words he said to me just the other night. My face heated and flushed as the memories ran through my mind.
"Yeah," I sighed.
"You have got to know by now that neither one of us thinks you're a whore." My brain began to run a thousand miles a minute. "I know you still seem to have lingering fears about it, but I sometimes don't think you realize the impact of your words on us. Edward has been freaking out and emo all morning, thinking we're hurting you. At some point, you need to become comfortable with yourself, comfortable with each of us, and comfortable with us as a unit. Otherwise," he said with a sigh, pausing to shift my head to meet his gaze, "I don't know what to do about us.
"We're going to encounter people that look down on us. It's going to happen eventually. You need to get to a place in your head where you're okay with what this is. With what we are. We love each other more than a lot of couples, I imagine, who stay together for silly reasons. If you can't accept who we are, who you love, how do you expect others to? I know you love your dad, sweetheart, but if it's this hard now, with him, what will it be like if one of our children's teachers asks you about us? Or if there's a medical emergency, and you have to explain wanting both of us in the room?"
Jasper's words felt like a punch in the gut, but I knew they were true. I nodded and we snuggled together for a little longer before he got up and turned the shower on.
"Come on. Let's get cleaned up and on our way. I'm pretty sure Angela doesn't want to spend the rest of the day cooped up with mopey Edward and me."
I had to laugh a little; if Jasper only knew the extent of her obsession with him, he might not have said that.
"You're right, and its not fair of me to mope around either while she's here. I haven't seen her in what feels like forever. I'm not being a very good hostess," I trailed off softly.
We were under the spray of the water, Jasper washing me lovingly, carefully, and around the time he got to my shampoo, the door opened and Edward stepped in. I felt bad; guilty. My passing judgment on myself had obviously affected him profoundly, I just wasn't sure if it was sadness that I felt that way or frustration with me for being temporarily unable to see the bigger picture. Either way, I knew I needed to fix it.
Walking the mere inches to Edward, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed our warm, wet bodies together. I buried my head in his neck and kissed his skin softly before resting for a moment, thinking about what I wanted to say and convey to him. I decided to go with simplicity.
"I love you, Edward. I want to be with you forever. Nothing will ever change or come between that. Not for my feelings for you, or Jasper. I plan to be with you both for the rest of my life, even if every last person in I know walks away from me because of it."
Where his body had been cold and stiff next to mine, I felt him soften. His hands finally touched me, wrapping around my waist, and drawing me closer.
"Bella, you know we both love you, too. I was thinking, as I was out talking to Angela," he said, pulling back to look at both Jasper and me. "Maybe we need to just to take a step back."
"What kind of a step back?" I tried to keep my voice steady, but there was no hiding the waver of emotion that came through.
I felt Jasper behind me and I was thankful. I had begun to feel light-headed, a likely combination of the heat, alcohol, and lack of food in my body.
"Just, I don't know," he sighed. "Maybe we go back to the beginning? We started together in such an unconventional way. Jasper and I had all these years where we got to know each other and grow closer as friends, and then lovers. We found our way because of you, but we never got the chance to really all three grow and bond in those same ways. It was zero to sixty overnight, and I don't regret one fucking second of that," he said as he sat down next to me. Well, as close as he could get, which was mostly falling off the bench. "But maybe it would be smart to go back and begin again. Maybe part of the problem is that we never spent that time establishing that we actually like each other beyond the bedroom."
His words made sense and I curved my body into his. I needed water, food, and maybe he was right, a little space.
"Yeah," I said, looking up at him.
The rest of our shower was spent with Jasper and I quietly washing Edward. When the three of us got out, I wrapped a towel around myself and went about getting ready for the day. By the time I was dressed and ready, everyone wanted to go out for lunch.
I was so deep in thought that I simply went through the motions of the day. We ate somewhere. I had some food. We went back to the apartment. Angela and I went to the movies. I'm sure we saw something, but I couldn't tell you what it was. Jasper went to practice and Edward, Angela, and I made dinner. Once Jasper came home, he took a shower and then we all crawled into bed together.
There were no more words, nothing left to be said in that moment. We just needed to get through this. Push past it by going backward, somehow.
The next morning, I was the first to wake up. I went to the kitchen and began to make breakfast for everyone – cinnamon raisin french toast. My mood had improved dramatically with a good night of sleep, and I was starting to see the positive side of things. I had two men wanting to date and get to know me better. Where was the downside in that?
I was pouring myself a second cup of coffee when one of the handsome men in question ambled out of the bedroom. I laughed at Jasper's insane hair, likely a product of going to bed while it was still damp. He inhaled dramatically and pressed me up against the counter for a kiss while reaching for a mug from the cupboard.
"Good morning," he said once he pulled back, his voice scratchy.
As he moved away, I grabbed the band of his pants and pulled him back to me. "Where do you think you're going?"
Our lips both turned up into soft smiles as we kissed. Jasper's hands wrapped around my waist and I let my head fall back. His mouth moved against my skin and desire flooded my body. My eyes were closed, so I smelled Edward before I saw him. I hummed against Jasper, breaking our kiss to look up at Edward, who was also wrapped around Jasper.
"Good morning, my loves," he said. "I see you're getting a head start without me, but did we forget about our agreement already?"
I sighed loudly. It was my own damn fault things were slowing down, who was I to complain?
"What are you guys doing today? Ange and I are going to go out shopping after breakfast. Can we meet up for dinner before the game?"
"Yeah, we're just going to hang out here. Where and when should we meet you ladies?"
Both Edward and Jasper had taken their coffee cups to the table and Angela had come into the kitchen.
"Morning, Ange." I smiled at her, feeling a little guilty for the strange mood she must've sensed us all in the day before. "Oooh! How about Panera? I know it's not fancy, but it's so good. We could sit and chat, have a relaxing dinner."
"That sounds good," Edward said, and Jasper nodded as well. "How about six?"
I nodded and brought the food to the table. Once we were done, everyone thanked me for cooking breakfast and the boys helped me wash up and clean the kitchen while Angela took a shower.
"So, Angela leaves in a few days. Can we take you on a date after she's gone?"
I smiled as I thought about it. "You may. Do I get to know where this date will be taking place?"
"Nope," Jasper said. "But we're going the day she leaves, so don't plan anything. Not that I want her gone," he continued, pressing into my body from behind while I stood at the sink, teasing me, "but she leaves in four days, right?"
"Uh huh," I whispered.
"Good."
Both boys walked to the living room, leaving me standing in the kitchen, a hot, trembling mass of hormones.
I stuck my tongue out and gave them a raspberry while I walked through on my way to the bedroom. I could hear them laughing as I closed the bedroom door and then laughed against it myself. I did love them, I knew they loved me, I just had to get over myself and my fears.
While I was in the shower, I thought about the last time we had all been intimate inside the tiled walls, and brought myself to a quick orgasm. I had a feeling the boys were going to be teasing me without a lot of release over the next few days, maybe even weeks.
Once I was ready, Angela and I took the train downtown to get some shopping done.
"So what's going on with you three, Bella?" Angela asked as we walked through the streets. We turned into a lingerie store and I tried to find the right words.
"Well first, I'm never allowed to drink wine again," I said, both of us laughing. "I think I realized some important things about who I am and what I want. I'm sorry yesterday was so uncomfortable for you, Ange, that wasn't fair of us. It was just an awkward moment and I was pretty hungover. After I asked the boys if I was a whore, we talked about it in the room and agreed to sort of step back a bit. The two of them have known each other for so long and were together before me, then we just sort of jumped into things. So, we have a date planned for the day you leave, and we'll see how things go. I mean, obviously we're not breaking up or anything like that, we're just sort of doing things in the opposite order, I guess. I appreciate the things you said about Charlie. You were right, and I am pretty sure I'll tell him soon. I just need a few more days to work up the courage and get through the rest of my guilt."
I found a few things I wanted to buy, as had Angela, so we made our way up to the front of the store to pay.
"That sounds reasonable. You know, I thought about it more, too. It's not like you have to go full disclosure on him, Bella. I'm sure, knowing Charlie, he wouldn't even want details."
I nodded as we walked out of the store with our bags. We walked to a book store so she could find a book or two for her flight home, and talked more there.
"Thanks for coming out here, Ange. I know you took time out of your summer with Ben to come out and stay with me and I appreciate it."
We hugged and finished the rest of our shopping, talking along the way about mostly minor details. It was getting close to when we were supposed to meet the boys, so we took the train to the pre-agreed Panera and they were already there. I hugged both Edward and Jasper, giving them each a soft kiss on the cheek as well. I figured these were small but safe reminders to them of just how much I loved and needed them in my life. Not everything had to be a grand gesture to mean something significant.
As we ate, the four of us talked and laughed. Edward and Jasper told stories from when they were younger and Angela and I shared stories of our college days. It was nice to get to know more about the boys, and also to have her there to tell embarrassing stories that I never would have thought to tell, but were all a part of making up the whole of me.
The train ride back to the apartment was quiet and I held hand with both of the boys. Angela sat across from us and read one of the magazines she purchased at the book store. It was a calm, casual night with a rented movie and an early bedtime. This time, the three of us snuggled close to each other. There was still not much touching and kissing, but enough that I fell into a fitful slumber, contented smile on my face.
Jasper had a game the next day, so we bummed around the house for most of the morning and afternoon. Edward, Angela and I grabbed a casual sushi dinner without Jasper, since he had to get ready for the game, and we went to the stadium after. We each got a beer (I promised to stick to one, after many teases and giggles) and took our seats. There was something about watching Jasper own the field that was so fucking sexy. His legs flexing, arms moving, entire body sweating. He would look up at us in the stands periodically to smile, and I found myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat more than once.
"Please stop, love, I can almost smell you from here," Edward whispered in my ear, his long fingers gripping the back of my neck to hold me close to him, doing absolutely nothing to alleviate the situation. The hand on my thigh and smirk on his face told me that he really didn't mind my action at all, he was simply taking advantage of the situation and teasing me again.
It took all the restraint I had not to jump both of them that night, but I resisted. If that was how they wanted things to play out, I could go along with it as well. I fell asleep full of need and had dreams of both of them all night. Edward was on top of me, beneath me, inside Jasper, mouths were everywhere. I think I dreamed of every possible position we'd ever been in, and thought up a few new ones.
We slept in again the next day, then went out for brunch. Angela wanted to go out for a night on the town, so we relaxed that afternoon, watching another movie and puttering around the house.
When the sun began to dip in the sky, casting shadows around the apartment, I found Angela hanging out by the photographs on the wall. Jasper stood behind me, narrating the location and meaning behind each one, then placed a soft kiss on my neck as he got to the one with the three of us back home for our visit.
We broke apart and left to freshen up and change. I went into the guest room to get ready with Ange, each of us helping the other with clothing selection as we gabbed endlessly.
"So, tell me how this works, B. Alice dates both Rosalie and Emmett? Are they committed like you are with Jasper and Edward? Have they done a ceremony? Do they have kids?"
"Slow down, Ange," I answered her, laughing at the barrage of questions. "Yeah, they're committed. They do all live together, they've had a ceremony, and Rosalie is pregnant with their first baby."
I turned to look up at her. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was gaping. I slid my jeans on and reached for my blouse.
"You know, someday that will be me, right? I mean, we've talked about having kids, doing the whole white picket fence thing..."
She visibly gulped and then nodded, still not entirely back with me. By the time I had my shirt buttoned and was walking over to her, though, she had composed herself again.
"Sorry, I just," she paused. "You're right. You know, all this time, I sort of imagined you guys as the oddballs, but maybe there are more people out there like you than I ever realized. Poly families," she mused. "What about the other girl?" she asked.
"Victoria?"
Angela nodded.
"I've talked to her less, but from what we've shared, she seems much more like a free spirit. I don't know if she'll ever settle down with anyone. Right now she's dating this guy James, who she described in depth." I laughed, recalling her detailed description. She probably gave me more information than I needed, but that was one of the things I loved already about Victoria - she was open and willing to share, even though we hadn't ever met in person. She seemed to care about me, to genuinely want to be my friend, and help in any way she could.
"She just started seeing a new guy, Jacob. She said she hasn't been able to convince either one of them to touch each other, but she's hoping for some interesting times ahead. I guess she keeps trying to talk them into being there at the same time without being involved with each other, too," I trailed off and laughed, shaking my head.
"Do you think her situation is easier? I mean, where she's only ever got one of them to worry about or deal with at once?" Angela asked.
"Truthfully, I haven't ever thought about the differences. I guess it might be easier, but then I imagine they get way more jealous of each other. I mean, usually there are two of us around. In her situation, it would be a little different since the two guys don't want anything to do with each other."
I began to do my makeup and hair as we continued our conversation.
"I just don't think I could do it, even with the setup you have. I'd be overcome with jealousy all the time. I mean, what if you got an extra hug, or Jasper got an extra kiss, or crap, Edward got some shower love," she said, waggling her eyebrows at the end of her sentence.
I fell over onto the bed, laughing.
"It's okay, Ange. You don't have to think you could ever do it. I'm glad you don't have to worry about the things we do. My little freakout the other night would never have happened in a traditional relationship."
"Do you ever think about it, Bella? About just being with one of them?"
The volume and tone of her voice told me she was almost afraid to ask. I gave her a quick hug, then laughed as I let her go. "It's okay to ask me questions. I did think about it more in the beginning, to be honest. I thought for sure we'd have to pick and choose, that there was no way we could make it work, but the more I research and the more I'm with both of them, the more I see just how essential they each are. Jasper is so practical and smart, and Edward is brilliant of course, but way more emotional. He is hurt easier, and Jasper balances that out and he can always get the three of us back to a good place. I can't imagine being with just one of them." As I said the words, I realized they were the truest I had spoken in a long time. I couldn't imagine my life without them both, and for some reason, another piece of the puzzle fell into place in my head. There was no Bella without Edward and Jasper.
We finished up and met the boys out in the living room waiting for us. The four of us left the apartment smiling, happy, full of life and love. Once we got to the club, we sat and had drinks. I limited myself to one again, and danced with both Edward and Jasper separately. We talked at the table, benign topics that were safe, and enjoyed the music.
The boys each got a little tipsy toward the end of the night, and as Angela danced by herself across from us, Jasper danced behind me and Edward moved in front of me. It was fucking hot. Their hands were everywhere, and Jasper's mouth was against my skin. I knew we were pushing the limits of publicly acceptable, even for a bar, when they pressed together on either side of me and kissed each other. I made wide eyes at Ange and we got them to leave soon after, thankfully.
By the time we got back to the apartment, the boys had sobered up some. We all had a small snack and went to bed with a buzz of anticipation in the air. Angela was leaving the next day and we were having our date.
Everyone was up and ready to go to the airport with plenty of time. Ange's flight was just after noon, so we made our way to the airport, boys carrying her bags, and said our goodbyes.
"Thank you, again, for everything. I don't know what I would do without you," I said, giving her a tight squeeze. The tears leaked out of my eyes against my will, but I wiped them away quickly.
"I love you, Bella. I'm so glad you're happy and that you guys have a plan. I can't wait to call and ask you to be my Maid of Honor in my wedding, but until then, keep me posted about the details and plans of yours."
She winked and then hugged Edward, switching to Jasper and holding on just a little too long for my preference. I slapped her shoulder and she let go, giving me a guilty smile. We watched as she made her way through the security area and then walked around the corner to her gate, beyond our sight.
"Ms. Swan, are you ready for your date?" Edward asked. I simply smiled and nodded, again taking one of each of their hands in mine. I had no idea what they had in store for me, but knowing the two of them, it would be a great night.
A/N2: I know someone observant is going to ask this, so I'll address it here. I stopped writing in their hug/kiss/love you ritual by the door each time they leave. I didn't want it to get too repetitive, but they have NOT stopped doing this – I just stopped writing it.
I want to give a shout out to a great story I'm reading right now called Snapshots of Polyamory by fiberkitty. There's no real smut in it, it's just an excellent window view of moments in the lives of two couples as they try to figure their way through blending their lives together. It's really lovely, give it a shot - (www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5285751/1/Snapshots_of_Polyamory)
Also, I have two entries in the TwiSlash contest (www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/1945699/TwiSlash_Unveiled) – so maybe you go read and vote for your favorite?