The Paternal Catalyst
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.

Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.

(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)

Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!

26

Beverly, Howard, Leonard

Beverly: Dr. Beverly Hofstadter.

Leonard: Hi, Mom.

Howard (in background): Ask her!

Leonard (to Howard): I will, I will.

Beverly: Are you aware it's quite rude to converse with others while you are on the phone. Both to the person on the line, and the one off the line?

Leonard: Yeah, Mom. It's come to my knowledge that Sheldon's been keeping things from me.

Beverly: Okay.

Leonard: Sheldon sucks at lying. So I thought to myself, where would Sheldon learn to lie? I thought of you.

Beverly: Is there a reason you're telling me this, dear?

Leonard: Did you teach Sheldon to lie?

Beverly: He did request suggestions to better his falsification of information, whether or not he learned from it remains to be seen. Though the fact that you've uncovered the truth suggests he did not.

Leonard: You've been talking to him regularly.

Beverly: We have been conversing through email, yes.

Leonard: So you are reasonably up to date on the goings-on around here?

Beverly: Your assumption is correct.

Leonard: So what do you know about him kissing someone?

Beverly: …

Howard: What did she say?

Leonard: Nothing. She's quiet. (to Beverly) Mom?

Beverly: I thought we'd all agreed not to talk about this.

Leonard: What? I agreed to nothing.

Beverly: Yes you did, in the car.

Leonard: What car are you talking about?

Beverly: Don't end sentences with prepositions, dear.

Leonard: Mom!

Beverly (sighing): I was intoxicated.

Leonard: . . . I, what are you saying, Mother?

Beverly: There was also the busboy.

Leonard: Busboy?

Howard: Busboy?

Beverly: Yes, Leonard. When I visited last Christmas.

Leonard: Mom . . .

Beverly: You sound confused. Are you not referring to the incident wherein I kissed Sheldon?

Leonard: What?!

Beverly: Is there a problem with your hearing?

Leonard: Oh, I hope so.

Beverly: There is no reason for you to be disturbed, Leonard. Sheldon is not unattractive, I do admit, and I find his intelligence refreshing. However I must say that while the busboy has a much lower IQ I found him to be quite appealing to the eyes. Talented in bed as well.

Leonard: Oh my god. This . . . this was the thing everyone didn't want to talk about.

Beverly: Preposition.

Howard: What's going on?

Leonard: Have you kissed Sheldon?

Howard: What? No!

Leonard: Well, everyone else has.

Beverly: Do you wish to hang up so you can continue your conversation with Howard?

Leonard: Mom, let's get off this topic because I'm kind of grossed out. Do you know anything about Sheldon kissing Penny?

Beverly: I thought Penny was dating you.

Leonard: We broke up.

Beverly: Oh good. You two don't work well together.

Leonard: So I gathered. My question, Mother?

Beverly: He never mentioned it, no.

Leonard: Thank you mom. Goodbye.

Howard: So what did she say?

Leonard: Nothing. Does mind-bleach exist and if not, what do we need to do to make it?

Notes from the author: First, I'd like to apologize. It seems that is doing wonky things so it won't let me reply to half the comments, even though they aren't all anon.

One more chapter left! It's a pretty long one.