longerish one. and a little warning to go with it... her pain is on repeat. don't let it annoy you too much. not enough to click the little x in the corner anyway. seriously... DON'T.
26.
my head hurts
there's too much sound
too much noise
too much chaos and confusion
when all i want is peace
and calm
and understanding
imprints in my snow
two sets
certain
and clear
happy
and defined
instead of the too many that there are in it now–surrounding me now–that aren't
instead of the blurred lines
the swirls of this wreaked havoc
"So, one minute you're both telling me that he'll come... saying things like 'when he gets here' and 'for you' and 'of course' and 'duh'...
"Like I'm stupid for not knowing it... like he'll come strutting through those trees he left me standing in the middle of in this middle of nowhere place he brought me to–and then trying to run after him through–any second now...
"And the next you tell me I don't even exist to him... may as well have never for the nothing I am to him now..."
It will be like I never existed. I promise.
you, Edward?
or me?
"So, WHICH IS IT? Which one? Which string of words do I believe? From people I have no reason to believe any from? The most untrustable kind of people. People who are also telling me that the one friend I have in the world... the one single anyone or anything I have left... that I haven't lost, or that didn't abandon me, or get taken from, or HURT... is the one making me not... exist at all...
"WHICH THING DO I BELIEVE?! WHICH SOUND?!"
"He's not all you have, Bella. But he is keeping you from having what I believe you most want. Which sound you do. Having him back. Edward. Who would come for you. Will. If he only knew there was still a you to come for. Which he won't if–"
"Well, then I guess he just won't. Because I won't choose nothing for someone who didn't choose me. And who I don't even exist to."
"You're twisting my words, Bella. Turning them around and forcing them to hurt you, when it's the last thing they were meant to do."
"Don't talk to me about what things were meant to do, Rose. Or what they did when they turned around. Turned themselves. Don't!"
"I don't blame you for being angry... at Edward, and at me–at all of us–for what we've put you through. For the life you're facing... that I think you're afraid you have to face alone..."
"He left me alone! And then–"
"And then we did. I know. And I'm sorry for that. We all are. It wasn't part of the plan. It–"
"You don't get to make me a plan! You've made me enough!"
"I couldn't have what you had, Bella. Have it back... I couldn't be what you were... ever again... but I couldn't let you be made into nothing. Because this... what I am... what we all are... it is better than that. Better than nothing. And that was the only plan we had. To give you better. And Edward, who finally was. BETTER. Because you did exist."
did
not do
i did exist
he wouldn't have been able to leave me if i didn't
This is the last time you'll ever see me
stay gone from
because my existence wasn't really worth anything
to him
wasn't worth enough
to make me a plan
he already thought i was nothing
You don't belong in my world, Bella
and it won't matter that i'm not
You don't belong in my world, Bella
whether he ever knows or not
You don't belong in my world, Bella
he already told me
You don't belong in my world, Bella
i'd just forgotten
because it was too quiet
after...
This is the last time you'll ever see me
"He's never coming back."
never
You don't belong in my world, Bella
to this world he didn't want me in
You don't belong in my world, Bella
didn't think i belonged in
You don't belong in my world, Bella
told me i didn't
This is the last time you'll ever see me
like their strange and suddenly smug faces seem to confirm
i think
repeat...
and Jake as he bristles...
growls...
drowning out all other sound
before he...
he who's is never silenced for me...
This is the last time you'll ever see me
and me...
my eyes...
and my "Uuuchgh!"
all tell me he lied "I'd have to not be here now to do that, Bella."
..tq..
'Uuuchgh'... yeah, i don't know... how you write that sound that broke the painful silence... and repeat... before the other one did... the one that made her make it... which... well... you recognize it, right? know who made it?
see you tomorrow.