Oh Olivia. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. Bear with me people. And thanks for reading and for the reviews!
EOEOEOEO
Olivia woke up, stiff from being tucked in Elise's small bed. She hadn't really slept for very long. She had heard Elliot peek into Elise's room, but purposely hadn't said a thing. She'd lain awake for quite a while before finally falling into a restless sleep. When she did wake up, she listened to see if she heard any noise in the apartment or if Elliot was still sleeping. It was quiet. She knew she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, so she climbed out of bed quietly and padded down the hall. She peeked into Elliot's room and stopped in the doorway, surprised to see Elliot's bed was empty.
She walked down towards the kitchen, but it didn't take her long to see that Elliot wasn't in the apartment. She sat down on the couch and snagged her phone off the coffee table. She saw that she didn't have any new messages. No note.
What the hell? She knew he was upset with her, but she couldn't believe he left without waking her…or leaving her a note to tell him anything about where he was…or when he was going to be back. Her anger and frustration from the day before came back with a vengeance and she was up and off the couch before she could even think about it.
She stormed into their bedroom…Elliot's bedroom she reminded herself…and whipped off her tank top and pajama shorts. She dug into her duffle bag for some clean clothes. She went into the bathroom and brushed her teeth, washed her face and brushed her hair. She threw it up in ponytail. She gathered up her stuff from the countertop and walked back into the bedroom, stuffing it in her duffel bag.
Her mind was racing…replaying the day yesterday and the argument they'd had. She had meant what she said. She was frustrated by what had been going on this past month and she was scared about what she was giving up and what the future looked like.
She had everything all packed when Elise walked into the room, rubbing her eyes. She climbed up on the bed and lay down.
"Where's Daddy?" she mumbled. "You said we could see Daddy."
"He had to go to work." She said, sitting down on the bed and scooping her sleepy daughter onto her lap. She rocked her gently. "We never got McDonald's last night, so how about we get dressed and go, and we can get some pancakes." She knew the renewed offer would be met with enthusiasm, and sure enough, Elise hopped down and ran to her room, repeating 'yay, yah, yah" all the way there.
Olivia followed her and helped her get dressed and packed. She dragged both bags down to the car and they headed to McDonalds.
EOEOEOEOEO
Olivia sat and drank bad coffee while she watched Elise devour her pancakes. She had been very hungry after sleeping through dinner the night before. She had her phone in her hand, and was contemplating her next move. When she had left Elliot's apartment early this morning, she had planned on driving back to Connecticut and consequences be damned. But now that she was thinking about it, she realized she didn't really want to start World War 3; she just needed some time and space. And she knew she wouldn't be able to think things through at Elliot's. She would be worrying that he would show up any second and their argument would pick up where it left off the night before…and escalate.
She opened up her contact list and hit Casey's number. She knew she was home because she had offered to go with her today if Elliot couldn't go. Olivia had assured her that it wouldn't be necessary, but she assumed Casey hadn't made any other plans based on experience.
Casey answered on the second ring. "I knew Stabler would stand you up again. Am I on for house-hunting?" she asked.
"I'm not going today." Olivia said, not up for Casey's teasing. "Can I just come over?"
"What's wrong?" Casey said, hearing the tone in her friend's voice.
"I just need someplace to go…" Olivia started. "And someone to talk to."
"Sure. Come over." Casey said. "When will you be here?" she asked.
"Fifteen minutes." said Olivia, and then realized it was really early. "Or I can stall if you're still in bed…"
"It's fine." Casey said, quickly getting out of bed. "I'm just going to jump in the shower and I'll be out in 5. Not like I have to get dressed up or anything."
"OK. I appreciate it." Olivia said and hung up the phone. She looked over at Elise and saw she was watching her.
"I thought I was going to spend the day with Liz." She said, sounding as miserable as possible.
Olivia closed her eyes. Damn. She had forgotten to text Liz. She would do that in the next few minutes, but for now, she knew she had to deal with Elise. "There's been a change in plans and we're going to spend some time with Casey today."
"I don't like a change in plans." Elise said, mimicking her mother and Olivia clenched her jaw. This child was so damned stubborn and too smart for her own good. "I want the plan I had."
"Elise. There's nothing I can do about it so you're just going to have to deal with it." Olivia knew that wasn't going to go well, but trying to teach this child patience and flexibility had been an on-going and difficult challenge. She just wasn't up for it today.
"But I want to play with Liz. We were going to…" Elise started, her own little jaw set with determination.
"Elise!" Olivia snapped in a loud whisper, not wanting to annoy the people around them. She leaned in. "Today you are going to listen to what I say and I'm not going to let you argue with me. I've had enough!" It wasn't that Elise usually got her way. It's just that she felt the need to argue and make a scene if it was something she really wanted, and Olivia knew this was going to be one of those things she was going to fight to the death. Well…not today.
Elise kept her jaw clenched and started back at Olivia and she could see her little mind working…wondering how far she could push her mother today.
Olivia saw her jaw loosen and then saw a few tears in her eyes. "First I didn't' get to see Daddy and now I don't get to see Liz. I don't like this day very much." She slumped back in her seat.
Olivia let out a sigh, knowing Elise was probably playing her a little, but she knew the she had a right to be disappointed. "I know honey and I'm sorry our plans didn't work out. But let's go to Casey's and get settled and then we can figure out a new plan. OK?"
Elise nodded. They gathered up their things and headed to Casey's.
EOEOEOEOEO
Casey swung the door open and saw Olivia and Elise standing there. Neither one of them looked happy and Casey knew something must have happened. She stepped back so they could walk into the apartment and shut the door behind them. When she turned back towards them, she saw that Elise was still holding on to Olivia's hand, and that she was quietly standing there. That was not the chatty, bubbly little girl she knew, and her eyes moved up to Olivia's.
"It's been a tough morning." She said, answering the unasked question in Casey's eyes.
Casey squatted down next to Elise. "Honey, how about if you crawl in my bed and you can watch some cartoons. Or a movie. Do you want to do that?"
Elise looked up at her mother. "Can that be part of the new plan?" she asked and it almost made Olivia want to laugh. If she weren't so completely miserable, she might have.
"Sure, that can be part of the new plan." She let go of Elise's hand and watched as Casey led her away towards her bedroom. Olivia kicked off her shoes and curled up on Casey's couch, wondering what the hell she was doing here.
Casey came out a few minutes later and walked right into the kitchen. She emerged a few minutes later with a couple of mugs of coffee, and Olivia took one gratefully. She sat down on the couch a few feet away from Olivia, curled up her legs and faced her friend.
"So are you going to tell me what's going on or are you going to make me ask a million questions?" she probed.
Olivia didn't say anything for a minute. She just stared at the coffee in her mug, trying to figure out where to even start.
Casey knew Olivia well enough to know that she was struggling with the conversation. She wasn't much for sharing private things and Casey always had to pull it out of her.
"So, since you and Elise are here, I'm assuming this has something to do with Elliot." Casey prompted.
Olivia nodded.
Casey bit her tongue, wanting to make a smartass comment, but she held herself in check. She was used to the two of them fighting. They were champs at it. "OK. So…you showed up at Elliot's last night…"
"And he wasn't there. Again." Olivia said. She took a sip of her coffee and set it down on the small table next to her.
"Again?" Casey asked. She didn't know about anything that had been going on. When she and Olivia talked, she always made it sound like things were going fine. She hadn't complained once really when Elliot had backed out of previous house-hunting excursions, so Casey had assumed it was no big deal.
"I've come down to the city for the last what? Four or five weekends now? And at least two times he hasn't been home on Friday night. And he has had to work every Saturday."
"Yeah, things have been crazy. But you remember those days, don't you?" Casey said. She saw the look on Olivia's face and realized she'd said exactly the wrong thing.
"Of course I remember those days!" She snapped. "That's why I'm upset. Because now I'm goddamn Kathy Stabler, bitching that he's never home!"
"Oh God Liv. You don't sound like that at all. Don't even talk like that."
Olivia whipped her head over to look at Casey. "But that's how I feel! I'm giving up my whole life to come down here and live with him and to do what? Stay home and raise his kids and worry if he's coming home tonight? I don't want to be that person!"
"This is completely different. You know Elliot avoided going home before because he wanted to be with you. He didn't love his wife anymore. But Elliot is nuts about you and he's going to be home every minute he can. And when you live here, it will be different because you'll get to see him during the week too! It's just been hard because you're restricted to weekends…" Casey paused and gave her a funny look. "Did you say kids? Are Elliot's kids moving in with you?" She had a puzzled look on her face and Olivia looked away quickly.
Casey grabbed her arm, realization hitting her. "Olivia Benson. Are you pregnant?" Casey said, shock in her tone.
Olivia looked back at Casey. "I don't know." She hesitated. "I think I might be." she said quietly.
"You haven't taken a test?"
Olivia shook her head. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I can't be."
Casey leaned back on the couch, still staring at Olivia. "Christ. You guys have only been sleeping together like 2 or 3 months…"
"I know." Olivia snapped.
"You guys should really get some help on the whole birth control issue…" Casey started. She knew Olivia had gotten pregnant with Elise accidentally, and now a second oops?
Olivia shot her a dirty look, not at all happy that Casey was getting a laugh out of this. "This wasn't like before. I purposefully went off the pill almost right away. Elliot said he wanted another baby, but I never expected to get pregnant this quickly. I never expected to get pregnant at all. I'm too old." Olivia said, burying her head in her hands.
"Stabler is a dangerous man." Casey joked. "He wants a baby and bam…you're pregnant."
"Casey, this isn't funny." Olivia snapped.
"I know. I'm sorry." Casey was really confused though. "But if you agreed to go off birth control and now you're pregnant…well, I'm not sure why you're upset. I would think you'd want to move down here more than ever."
"I know I agreed but I never really thought it would happen. Or that it would happen so fast. Things are just going too fast." The word fast just kept repeating in her thoughts, like a mantra. "We've only been seeing each other a few months."
Casey cocked her head and laughed. "A few months? You guys are crazy in love and have been for a long time."
Olivia just sighed, her head still buried in her hands.
"What are you so afraid of?" Casey asked when Olivia didn't look at her or respond.
She looked up at Casey then. "I quitting my job and moving to the city and I'm going to be having a baby. And I'm going to be stuck at home trying to deal with two kids and no one to help and that's just not me…I'm not someone that can just sit at home and make dinner and go to PTA meetings and talk with the other mothers."
Casey reached for her friend's arm. "Since when were you planning on staying at home and raising kids? Aren't you going to get a job here?" Casey didn't know where all of this anxiety was coming from.
"Elliot's a traditionalist. When he finds out about this baby, he's going to want me to stay home." Olivia scrubbed a hand over her face. "He'll probably want more kids."
Casey wished she had a video camera because she could barely believe this was the badass cop she knew and loved. Having a complete meltdown about something that hadn't even happened yet.
"Liv, I think you're getting ahead of yourself." She offered. "I don't see Elliot expecting that at all."
"You don't know!" Olivia yelled.
"Well neither do you! Has he said that?"
"No."
"So you're getting all upset about something he hasn't even brought up?"
"He hasn't brought it up because he doesn't even know I might be pregnant."
"Exactly!" Casey got up from the chair. "I'm sorry to say this Liv, but isn't this how things got fucked up last time? You guessing what he was going to do or say and deciding to take off instead?"
Olivia narrowed her eyes as Casey stood her ground in front of her. "This isn't the same thing. I'm not running away." She said.
"Oh really? So why are you here?"
"If you were listening to me, you'd know that I'm here because I'm upset that I've been coming her for five weeks and have seen Elliot for 5 minutes and it's pissing me off! All he's does is work. Why do I even bother?" She fell back against the couch. "And if that's not enough, I worry about him when I'm here. I mean, I worried enough about him when I was there to have his back. But now I'm scared that I'm going to get a call in the middle of the night and someone will tell me he's dead and I'm stuck here with two small kids…" She brushed her hair out of her face.
"Maybe it's time for Elliot to retire." Casey said, not really believing it was a viable or reasonable option. She couldn't see Elliot leaving SVU. But then again, she'd never expected Olivia to leave either. "Or time for you to go back being a cop." She countered.
"What?" Olivia said, a puzzled look on her face.
"Are you really worried about Elliot, or are you upset because you're missing what you love to do?" She figured she might as well throw everything out there because Olivia obviously wasn't thinking clearly.
No! I can't be a cop when I have kids. I just…I know that's not a good idea." She said. "And I've always wanted a family." She said quietly.
"But now that your back in New York…now that you see Elliot go off every day…you miss it?" Casey asked.
Olivia let out a heavy sigh. "No. Yes. I don't know." She let out a sound of exasperation.
"Sounds to me like you need to tell Elliot what's on your mind." Casey said.
"How can I tell him when I don't even know myself? I just know that when he wasn't there last night, I was upset. And then when I saw he had gone back to work this morning without a word, I just snapped. I couldn't be there anymore."
"So Elliot doesn't know where you are?" Casey asked.
Olivia shook her head. "He's at work. He probably doesn't even know I left."
"Are you going to go back so you can be there when he gets home?" Casey asked, trying to nudge her friend to talk to Elliot.
"I need some time to think. I just need some space."
"Do you love him?"
She looked up at Casey, her deepest confession on her lips. "It scare me how much I love him. I told him that he's wrecked me for any other man. If this doesn't work out Case, it'll kill me."
Her voice was a whisper now and Casey could a thread of fear in it. Now she was starting to understand what was at the heart of all of this.
"You have to know he feels the same about you." She said. "You know that right?"
Olivia swallowed hard. "Sometimes I worry that I'm not the person he thinks I am. The person he needs."
Casey shook her head. She knew this was at the heart of their issues before, and she could barely believe she and Elliot were back here again. "You need to talk to him. You know he's going to come after you, don't you?"
Olivia nodded. "I know. Can I stay here for a while?"
Casey gave her a broad smile. "Whatever you want to do Liv. You know I'm here for you."
Olivia let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you." She was frustrated with herself because this wasn't who she was. She thought she was through with all this bullshit and she didn't know what was causing this to rear its ugly head again. Maybe it was just hormones.
They were quiet for a few minutes. Then Casey spoke. "So…do you think maybe we should run down to the drug store and get pregnancy test?"
"I don't know if I want to know."
Casey gave her a small smile. "Knowing has to be better than not knowing." She said, grabbing her wallet off the counter. "I'll be back in a few minutes."