A/N: Good news everyone! I'm all gradu-ma-tated which means I can start writing again! It also means I have to start applying for jobs and/or PhD programs, but who cares about that?!
I also watched a video of all the boss fights on the 3DS, and dude! Why the hell do they all have giant eyeballs that say "Attack Here"?! Laaaaaaame.
––
Clefairy was sitting at the entrance to the Great Bay Temple, biding her time until Pichu defeated the boss.
"Geez, he sure is taking his sweet time," she muttered. "What he really did get himself killed this time? And more importantly, why should I care if he did?"
"Because he's the Hero of Time and the only one who can save Termina from destruction?" said a Tympole who was sitting next to her.
"Who the hell asked you?" she snapped, kicking it into the water. "Urgh… are we all really gonna die if he doesn't make it? Do I seriously need to go help him? I need some kind of sign from the cosmos to tell me what to do here…"
At that very moment, she heard a noise and turned in surprise to see the water in front of the entrance began to churn. Then there suddenly came an enormous splash, and she leapt back in shock to see the pirates' boat emerging from the water.
"HA-HA! Success at last!" shouted Gardevoir amidst all the other soaking wet pirates groaning and clinging to the boat. "I told you we'd make it if you all just sucked it up! Now aren't you glad we made the boat amphibious?"
"The boat's not amphibious," grumbled Meowstic.
"It's not? Shit, that's probably going to come back and bite us later."
"Uhh, hang on a minute… you guys actually made it in here?" said a rather stunned Clefairy. "…Well, as long as you're here, maybe you can help me with a thing."
––
Pichu stammered in fright as the Mega Gyarados splashed back down into the water surrounding the platform, circling around him and cutting off any hope of escape.
"Uhh… okay, this isn't so bad… as long as I stay up here, he can't reach me…"
Gyarados immediately spun around and rammed into the platform, shaking it and sending him flying off.
"YEEEAAGUASGHAGA – " He was cut off as he went splashing into the water.
"Moo hoo ha ha… at last, the time has come," Gyarados rumbled in a deep voice. "Now at last I shall succeed where my allies have failed! With the awesome power of Mega Evolution, I shall destroy Pichu, the so-called Hero of Time!"
"Who told you I was the Hero of Time? Lies! Lies and slander!" Pichu shouted desperately. Or at least he tried, but he seemed to forget he was floating underwater at the moment and so ended up choking on his own stupidity instead.
"This will probably be easier than I thought. Now, take this!" Gyarados shouted, surging toward Pichu and clamping down on him with its massive jaws. Pichu shrieked as it painfully chewed on him, then actually did the smart thing and stabbed it in the roof of the mouth with his Shiny Leaf.
"ARRRGH! THE POINTINESS!" Gyarados roared as Pichu frantically swam out of its mouth.
"I gotta get out of here!" he cried, jumping for the edge of the platform and trying to haul himself back up… only to find he was too short and so ended up dangling several inches above the water.
"Son of a b*tch…"
"Your idiocy will get you nowhere, hero!" shouted Gyarados, jumping out of the water and snapping at him. Pichu reacted by flinging a Razor Leaf at it, striking it dead between the eyes and using the distraction to finally climb up onto the platform.
"Haha! Try and reach me up here, villainous scum!" he shouted triumphantly, firing several more Razor Leaves down into the water at his fishy foe. "Time to see whose power is better, your Mega Evolution or my plot protection!"
Gyarados immediately came leaping out of the water, spun around in midair and whacked Pichu with its tail fin, sending him flying across the room and slamming into the opposite wall.
"Right. Score one for the Mega Evolution."
"Is that honestly the best you can possibly do against me, small annoying rodent?" Gyarados taunted as Pichu plummeted into the water.
"Uhh, well actually no – " Pichu narrowly dodged Gyarados lunging at him again. "All right asshole, you asked for it! Time to enact Operation Turn into a Hot Guy and Kill You!" Pichu shouted, slapping on the Dewott Mask. Unfortunately the incredibly painful transformation caused him to shriek and flail around in the water like an idiot instead of actually attacking.
"I'm embarrassed to be in the same room as you. Time to put an end to this farce," said Gyarados, chomping down on him again. Fortunately he was able to break free with the awesome power of Dewott-ness and looked ready for payback.
"THAT DOES IT! You've chewed on my spleen for the last time!" he snapped, using Razor Shell and throwing his scalchops at Gyarados. The gargantuan masked fish bellowed in pain as the scalchops sliced through it and came circling back toward Pichu.
"Ha ha! Time for a little taste of – " The scalchops came flying back and hit him in the head. "Gotta work on that."
"I won't be undone by the likes of you! I'd be the laughingstock of the office party!" shouted Gyarados, letting out a roar and charging at Pichu. The alleged hero shrieked and swam away, corkscrewing through the water at breakneck speed and desperately trying to outpace the pursuing Gyarados snapping its jaws at him.
"NOOOOOO! I can't die yet! I never even got my groupies!" Pichu wailed as Gyarados bit down on his ankle and attempted to drag him to his doom. He responded by whipping out his guitar and frantically whacking Gyarados over the head with it.
"WHAT THE &*?#?! That's Freddy's corpse you're beating me with! That guy owed me money!" said Gyarados. This got it quite pissed off, but luckily Pichu had already used the distraction to leap out of the water and somersault gracefully back onto the platform.
"…Don't ask me to do that again."
"Fine then. I can see you need a bit more persuasion!" growled Gyarados. Pichu watched as it opened its mouth wide and was stunned to see an entire school of Magikarp come swimming out.
He stared at this for a moment before bursting out laughing. "BWAHAHAHA! Really? You're tryna fight me with a bunch of Magikarp? You must be getting really freaking desperate or else – ACK!"
He was cut off as a Magikarp came leaping out of the water, flying at him and smacking him in the face. And then the rest of them followed.
"HEY! What the – ack – OWOWOW!" Pichu cried. The Magikarp were flying at him from all directions, smacking and whipping and generally bitch slapping him around. Pichu was utterly helpless against the assault and could do nothing except finally collapse underneath the ever-growing pile of flopping fish.
"Well, at least Clefairy isn't here to see this… I'd hate to have her super awesome manly image of me shattered."
"Wow, Pichu, you got beat by a bunch of Magikarp? That might actually be a new low."
"Suicune damn it… wait a minute. C-Money? How the heck did you get down here?"
"Aw, it was easy. I just hitched a ride with those guys."
"Huh?" Pichu turned to see that the pirates' boat had just come bursting through the wall and impaled Gyarados on its bow.
"No, no, no! You call that driving a boat?" Gardevoir snapped at her crewmates. "You're supposed to impale it through the brain! The brain!"
Pichu stared at this. "Uh, Clefairy… how'd you convince those guys to help us?"
"Well, I told them that if they slew the giant evil monster in this temple, you'd lead them straight to the treasure."
"Uh huh. And what happens when they find out that I already took the treasure?"
"Yes, well, I'm actually banking on your old tactic of dumb luck to help us out there. It's been surprisingly useful in the past."
"Now then, you accursed leviathan! You're standing between us and a whole lot of money, so DIE!" Gardevoir shouted at Gyarados, launching a very scary and incredibly lethal Psychic attack. Absolutely nothing happened.
"You know, I do believe Mega Gyarados are part Dark-type," Clefairy mused.
Gardevoir broke off her attack and stared at her. "What – are you serious?! Why the &*?# aren't they Dragon-type?! People have been bitching and moaning about this for years and then when there's finally a chance to fix it they go and – " She was cut off as Gyarados blasted a Hydro Pump out of its mouth that sent the boat crashing back through the hole in the wall.
"Dumb luck pulls through again!" Pichu cheered.
With that distraction out of the way, Gyarados turned its attention back to Pichu. "Now then, hero, I believe we have some unfinished business."
"CURSE YOU, DUMB LUCK!" Pichu shrieked, jumping out of the way as Gyarados leapt past him and splashed into the water on the other side. "Wait a minute – C-Money! I think I just got an idea!"
"I'm sure it's a terrible one."
Pichu ripped off his Dewott Mask as Gyarados circled through the water, then came leaping at him one last time. "Time to test my theory that screaming really loudly makes me a better fighter! YEEEAAAAAUUGGHHH!" he shouted, performing an acrobatic flip onto Gyarados's head and driving his Shiny Leaf straight through its skull.
"RAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHH!" Gyarados threw back its head and roared in agony.
"Wow. Impaling it through the brain really did work. Who knew," said Clefairy.
Gyarados continued letting out a deafening roar, writhing and flailing in the air before finally collapsing onto the platform and flopping back and forth. Pichu and Clefairy watched in stunned silence as it began to shrink as it flopped around, getting smaller and smaller before it finally vanished, leaving behind nothing but the mask it had worn on its face.
Clefairy stared at the place where Gyarados had been. "What exactly did we just witness here?" she said. "Why do all the bosses keep dying in over-the-top horrific fashion? Does this have something to do with the dark power of the masks? Should we be worried about carrying those things around?"
Pichu had already seized Gyarados's Remains. "Oh, get real. They're freaking masks, what's the worst they could do to us?" he scoffed. The mask responded by zapping him in the face. "OW! All right, bucko, you asked for it!" Pichu snapped, breaking out into a fistfight with an inanimate object.
"If I just cover my ears and turn away, I can pretend like this isn't happening," Clefairy groaned.
––
Once again, Pichu and Clefairy were teleported out of the temple in a flash of light, only to find themselves in the mysterious misty realm that housed the giant Pokémon who had been imprisoned by Nuzleaf. The latest one, a Registeel, was facing them from a far distance away.
"So hey, listen, douchewad," said Clefairy. "I dunno if you noticed, but while you and those other guys have been chilling here doing nothing, Termina's kinda going to hell in a handbasket. We need you to lend us your power! You're the only ones who can stop Nuzleaf; that was what Cleffa was trying to tell us!"
"Really? You actually understood what he was saying?" Pichu said in surprise.
In response to Clefairy, the Registeel started wailing loudly. "Help… our… friend?" Clefairy translated. "Seriously? You're not even going to try to do anything until we save the last one of you? You're like a hundred freaking feet tall, I'm pretty sure you could just step on anybody who tries to stop you."
"You know, 'Help our friend' could theoretically refer to any number of people," said Pichu. "Maybe there's some secret double meaning to that sentence that we're not picking up on. Maybe it could be used in context to refer to the last person we would ever suspect, which would count as subtle foreshadowing now and make perfect sense in retrospect."
"Would you stop spoiling the game?!" Clefairy screamed at Pichu, slugging him in the stomach before the two of them began to glow and were teleported back to Termina.
––
"Son of a b*tch, we're back in this dump again?" Clefairy griped as she saw the two of them had been teleported back to the exit of Zora Hall, where they'd first met the giant Torterra. Who was there right now, as a matter of fact.
"Well, it took you long enough, but I see you managed to triumph over the great evil and restore the Great Bay to normal," said the Torterra. "Good on you, boyo. Now I can continue resting in peace. I too must abide the laws of ancient times and again merely watch from my deep slumber."
"How can you watch anything if you're sleeping?" asked Pichu.
"I've never heard of these ancient laws you're talking about. Are you sure that's not something you just pulled out of your ass?" asked Clefairy.
"…On second thought, I really don't feel like leaving you two in charge around here. I shall stay here at least until I can enjoy Vaporeon's voice a bit longer. I think the gods can permit that."
"Right. You do that, giant creepy stalker turtle," said Clefairy.
"Hey, he's right though!" Pichu realized. "Now that Vaporeon's got her voice back we can start performing again! That means I can finally do what I came here to do in the first place – impersonate a rock star and get laid! YEEHAW!"
"Are you quite certain that boy is the hero chosen by the gods?" Torterra asked Clefairy as Pichu ran cheering back into Zora Hall.
"I'm starting to think all the other potential heroes were just smart enough to stay the hell out of Termina."
––
Somewhere in the middle of the ocean…
"I can't believe that brain-dead Pichu got the slip on us twice," Gardevoir pouted as the pirates sat on the floating upturned remains of their boat. "Now all our eggs are gone and we have no treasure. I haven't been this ashamed of us since that poker game where three people died."
"Hey, it's not so bad," said Meowstic, trying to be optimistic. "I mean… what if the real treasure is something deep inside us that we have to discover for ourselves? Yeah! Maybe the real treasure… is friendship!"
The other pirates all turned to stare at Meowstic. Then by silent agreement, they all grabbed her as she screamed and hurled her off the boat.