Saying Goodbye

What are the odds that you will be able to locate a hundred-year-old farmhouse on a hundred-year-old map, when all that you know is that it's a few hours walk from a small lake, and possibly a few days walk from District Twelve?

Let me tell you, the odds are not in your favor.

After spending the better part of an hour searching, we still haven't found anything on the map. It seems that we're just wasting time, flying around aimlessly. Trying to keep my growing sense of hopelessness at bay, I curl myself up near one of the hovercraft's long, angled windows and stare at the trees going by below as Peeta continues to scour the available information for clues.

Then something in the distance catches my eye.

"What's that?" I ask, peering. "It looks like smoke. A lot of it."

Peeta looks up from the map and joins me at the window.

"Maybe you should sit over here," he suggests, trying to guide me away.

That's when I realize I'm looking at the smoldering remains of District Twelve. It looks like it's been freshly bombed, but that's only because the mines must still be burning underground. If a mine fire has hit a coal seam, it can continue to burn out of control for hundreds of years, making the whole area completely uninhabitable.

Everything is covered in ghostly white ash. All their bodies are buried out there.

I'm looking at a mass grave.

I suddenly turn my head and get sick all over the floor. Peeta holds me up.

"I don't think I can do this," I weep afterwards.

"Yes you can," Peeta reassures me, although he looks a little pale, himself. "Gale's not in there, remember? Here. Drink this and then help me keep looking."

Finally, when I feel almost beyond hope, we locate the area where a small town named Belleville once stood. The rural acreages were surrounded by fertile farmland and orchards. And Peeta figures it would be only a few days walk north-east of Twelve, if you weren't following an exactly straight route. I glue myself to the window and nearly scream when we begin to fly over dilapidated rooftops.

"Here! I think this is it! Stop here!" I shout, heading for the electric ladder.

I don't even hear what Peeta is saying until I'm knee-high in the same itchy, dry grass in front of the same collapsing farmhouse that Gale and I had made love in. My heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest.

"Katniss, did you hear me?"

"This is it!" I say, almost delirious with joy. "Now we just have to walk-"

"Katniss. We only have twenty minutes," Peeta calls out behind me, catching up. "Do you think you can tell us the way to the cabin from here if we take the hovercraft?"

I look around. Things are even more overgrown than they were when I was last at the farm, which was over a year ago. It looks different. Even I am having trouble remembering the exact path that Gale and I had taken, and I'm standing right where we had been.

I realize with a sinking feeling that there's no way I'd be able to indicate the route from above.

"I need more time," I say.

"We don't have more time-"

"Just give me a minute!" I yell frantically. Think, think. Okay. We went back into the woods, and then we followed a stream most of the way…

Peeta is standing in front of me now. He raises his eyebrows and I break into anxious gasps.

"I need to walk it," I ultimately say. "I need to walk it to figure it out."

His face falls.

"That will take hours," he says quietly. And we only have twenty more minutes with the hovercraft.

My vision becomes blurry as panic-induced tears start to well up in my eyes.

"But- I- I need," I stammer. "But- Peeta!..."

Suddenly his warm hands are on my shoulders, steadying me.

"Go on. Go. Get out of here," he says in an urgent voice.

"What?" I sputter in disbelief.

"Go find him."

I reflexively take a step back, then pause and stare into Peeta's eyes. He's on the verge of tears, himself.

"Peeta…" I start, but I choke up. He's letting me go. He's the closest thing I have to family and I am the closest thing to his. He's been my best friend in Thirteen. Maybe my only friend. He's gotten me through so much. And now he's letting me go.

I feel like I'm being wrenched in two.

"I can't leave you," I begin to cry, grabbing his hand and clinging to him. I can't do it again. "Come with me, please come with me," I beg.

Peeta refuses to blink and grits his teeth, trying to be strong, but tears drip out of his bloodshot eyes anyways. He looks straight over my shoulder, towards the woods in the distance.

"I can't. Coin would…" He shakes his head a bit, disturbed by the thought. "Go. I'll come back to find you both when I can. I promise."

"No, I won't leave you! I'm not a coward!" I blubber.

"You think I don't know that? Go!"

"I can't!"

"You have to. You would do it for me. We look out for each other. It's what we do, right?"

"Right," I say, but I'm crying so badly that I'm barely intelligible. Peeta draws me close and hugs me hard.

"Go, Katniss. Please? Go," he chokes into my ear.

Weeping, I grab Peeta's face in both hands and kiss him on the lips. His hands find my hips and he kisses me back. Then he breaks away and gives me a little push.

"Go."

I slowly start to walk backwards, not wanting to take my eyes off him. Finally, when the distance between us is so great that I can no longer make out the expression on his face, the hovercraft appears in the cloudy, grey sky above and lifts him up.

I have a brief flashback of the arena.

And then Peeta is gone.

I stand alone for a long time and let my tears carelessly drip onto my sweater. The only sound is the lonely wind whipping winding trails through the tall grasses around me.