Thanks to Viki for the beta and feedback. Without further ado, let's see how our Queen and her Brave Knight are faring after the events of the last chapter…
Chapter 26: June of Year 4: "A Deep Breath"
Charlotte opened the door to her suite, wondering who it could be at this time in the evening. As soon as the door opened, she was enveloped in a hug.
"Charlotte! It's sooo good to see you." Amelia exclaimed.
"Princess – it's good to see you to." Charlotte smiled. She and the Princess had formed a friendship of sorts over the past few years. She surmised it was because she was closer to her in age than most others at the Palace and that she could share things about her Grandmother with Charlotte, knowing it would be kept in the strictest confidence. She had also told her once too that, besides Joseph, no one knew her grandma like Charlotte did.
"OK if I come in and visit for a bit? I know it's late, but I'm still wired from the trip."
"Certainly."
"Oh Shades said he needed to speak with you for just a moment." Mia gestured to the man standing quietly just to Mia's right.
"Just have a seat and I'll be right in Princess. There's some tea I just brewed on the table. Please help yourself."
Mia smiled her thanks and went in while Charlotte stepped out.
"Welcome home." She whispered, casting a glance each way to make sure no one else was lurking in the hall.
"I missed you." He lifted his hand to cup her cheek.
Charlotte's eyes closed at the gentle gesture. She had seen Joseph touch the Queen in such a manner and now understood how it must make her feel. "I missed you as well."
"Did things improve any while I was gone?" He asked as he continued to caress her cheek with his thumb as his hand slid further into her hair.
"Not really. They are communicating, but there's an underlying strain between them. I'm still not sure why. She won't say anything, despite my gentle prodding."
Shades stepped forward a bit, letting his other hand go to her waist. "Perhaps it's time you pushed a little harder."
Charlotte's heart was pounding and her breath seemed to escape her. "Easy for you to say. You won't be the one who will get her glare should she feel I've stuck my nose where it didn't belong."
"You'll think of a way." He smiled before kissing her gently.
Mia had walked back to the door, which was still open partway, to ask Charlotte if she had any more sugar, but stopped in her tracks as she witnessed Shades making a move on her and Charlotte letting him. Their words were whispered, but it sounded like they were talking about her Grandmother. Perhaps they noticed the same thing she had when she saw Joe and her Gramma together upon her arrival. Something was going on. She stepped back to give them a few minutes of privacy. Apparently the only way to have a relationship in the palace was to sneak around. She would have to keep that in mind for the future. Mia sat on the couch, sipping her not quite sweet enough tea and waited for Charlotte. If anyone knew what was going on between Joe and Gramma, it would be Charlotte.
^^C/J^^
Clarisse sipped on her tea, willing it to clear her mind and allow her to focus on all of the things she needed to accomplish with Amelia during her visit this summer. Only one more year to groom her into the Queen she needed to be in order for the people of Genovia to accept her. She definitely had a heart for the people, but due to her schooling, she had not been able to spend a lot of time in Genovia. Clarisse worried that could come back to haunt them in the near future.
Speaking of the future, she couldn't help but wonder where her future with Joseph stood. Just six months ago, they were excited about the prospect of beginning year 4, and now things seemed more unsettled than ever. It was difficult to describe their relationship; it had never been normal and now seemed even more out of sorts. It had certainly cooled off physically, but regardless of the events of that one evening, that would have happened due to the necessary recovery time. His recovery had to be first and foremost. She needed him standing by her side, both personally and professionally.
Many things had been left unsaid that afternoon in the hospital room. Joseph was too tired and still feeling the effects of the medication to truly discuss what had happened…
At the hospital, after the surgery
"But, I must be honest and admit that the circumstances were far from what I had imagined they would be like the first time we made love."
"I promise to make that up to you, Clarisse." He had smiled weakly. "I know I can do better."
Realizing that he was in no shape to have this conversation right now, despite his intentions, she leaned over and kissed his forehead. "We both could have done better, my love. Now rest and we'll deal with all of this later. Agreed?"
His eyes closed and he whispered, "Agreed" right before he slipped into a drug induced sleep.
Clarisse caressed his cheek and then sat by his bedside, holding his hand, allowing the tears to fall yet again.
^^C/J^^
After he came home from the hospital, he had been focused on getting better and she on running the country. At least during the day that was her focus. At night she continued to be haunted by Joseph's words to her about the way she had handled things with Rupert before he died. She had gone round and round in her mind, looking at things from all angles. Two months ago, he had confronted her during her daily visit to his room after work.
^^C/J^^
"Exactly how long are you going to punish our relationship?"
"Exactly how am I 'punishing' us as you so eloquently put it?"
"Things aren't the same between us anymore and haven't been since…"
"Since the night we made love." She finished for him.
Joseph rubbed his face and wished that he could pace to relieve some of his nervous energy. "Since the night you comforted me, giving the beautiful gift of yourself, and alleviated my fears. Why can't you accept it for what it was and let us move forward?"
"What it was…was emotional blackmail." She answered quietly.
"Those are harsh words, Clarisse." He was stunned by her words, knowing she would never speak them lightly.
Clarisse was thankful that she was able to pace. She stood and began walking around his room, careful not to bump the bed so as to avoid causing him any further pain. "I have given a great deal of thought to what you said about the way I handled things with Rupert."
"Clarisse…"
"Please let me finish."
He closed his mouth and nodded for her to continue.
"After much thought, I decided that even if I had done what you suggested, the result would have been the same."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is that with Rupert, I refused to give into fear and remained adamant that he could pull through. He never asked me directly for what he wanted, but he certainly gave me ample opportunities. I refused to let guilt or fear make me tell him the words I'm sure he wanted to hear before he died."
Joseph thought he knew what those words were, but kept quiet to see if she would speak them.
Clarisse sat down in the chair, emotionally exhausted. No tears fell, but her voice communicated a fact that she had come to terms with and accepted as truth. "I couldn't tell him I loved him, because I didn't…not as a wife should love a husband. You were right, that was all he wanted from me. Our relationship was harmed and things were never the same. I had to live with that guilt and loneliness for years. While I am not as lonely anymore, the guilt has never faded."
She looked up at Joseph, seeing love and concern in his eyes as she admitted to him what she had never said out loud to another living soul. The room remained quiet for several minutes until she broke eye contact and continued.
"One month ago, I was faced with the same emotional dilemma. I knew what you wanted and I knew it was fear that was motivating you."
He had to interrupt here. "It was more than that, Clarisse. I love you and wanted to make love to you and had for years. There was no secret in that fact."
She nodded and continued as though he hadn't said anything. "I was faced with a choice: give into fear and let guilt alter the natural course of our relationship – the course we had both agreed on or refuse and live with the overwhelming guilt and loneliness that would have plagued me should your fears have been realized and you…" She couldn't say the word.
"Clarisse…" he reached out and took her hand, trying to offer comfort and support.
"So this time, I decided to not risk overwhelming guilt and loneliness. Thankfully there were no complications and our worst fears were not realized. But now, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness that our first time together was not what it should have…what it could have been. And, the worst part is that I can't rid my mind of the feeling that you took the knowledge you had about my past with Rupert and used that to effectively blackmail me."
^^C/J^^
Clarisse visibly shuddered as she brought herself back to the present. Her heart felt heavy as she knew she hadn't given him an opportunity to respond. The look on his face, however, had spoken volumes. Awareness filled his eyes followed by deep remorse; he had taken her hand and just slowly shook his head as a tear slipped out. She inhaled slowly and then exhaled, forcing herself back to the tasks at hand. There would be more time for retrospect later when sleep failed her…as it often did these days.
Recovery had taken longer than he had anticipated. Dr. Adams…Mandy, his physical therapist, had assured him that he was progressing ahead of pace, but he was discontent. He hated being dependent on others for help. It was not in his nature to be dependent. From the time he left Puerto Rico at a tender, young age to his not so young age in his late fifties, he had taken care of himself. These past few months had been torture on him both physically and emotionally. To say things had been strained between he and Clarisse was putting it mildly.
Things were at their worst about a month after he came home from the hospital. Once Clarisse decided to be forthright, she could be downright brutal. She did it with such a calm resignation, though, that it took away your ability to fight back. You couldn't yell at someone who was quietly sharing her perspective with you. She had called a spade a spade and he couldn't remember feeling worse than he did at that moment in time. He hadn't been able to find the words while she sat in front of him to adequately justify his actions…not that there were any that she wanted to hear at that moment anyway.
He knew all hope was not lost, though. Despite her harsh words to him, she continued to visit him every evening. Often times they would watch television or read in companionable silence. He couldn't be certain why she still came, especially if she was that hurt or angered by his actions; but he held fast to the fact that she DID still come. Two weeks later, he had finally worked up the nerve to broach the subject with her again…
^^C/J^^
"Good evening, Clarisse."
"Good evening, Joseph. How are you feeling today?"
"A little better each day. Here, I have something for you." He reached under the covers to pull out a peace rose. He watched in fascination as she closed her eyes and inhaled the scent.
"Joseph, this is beautiful. Thank you…but how?"
"Dr. Adams provided a little assistance. After my therapy, I asked her to wheel me over the gardens so I could select the perfect one for you."
"Joseph! What if she…" Alarm was clearly coloring her features.
He reached out to touch her hand to reassure her. "Relax, Clarisse. I told her I felt bad that I was still out of commission and how much you love roses. She thought it was a thoughtful gesture and didn't even hint that she suspected anything romantic – just long term friendship."
Clarisse relaxed visibly, realizing his explanation was plausible. "I'm sorry…old habits."
"I understand, Clarisse. You are in a precarious position and you have to be careful. I would never do anything to jeopardize that…ever."
He clasped her hand tighter. "I selected a peace rose because I have given a lot of thought to what you said a couple weeks ago."
"Oh?" She had thought the subject taboo as they had not spoken of it since that night.
"I've had a lot of time on my hands recently…which affords me a great deal of time to ponder." He smiled gently.
She nodded.
He took a deep breath and forged on. "I understand your perspective and how things must have appeared to you and I deeply regret that I didn't realize it prior and take it into consideration."
Clarisse raised one eyebrow. "Is that your way of saying you never took the time to consider how I might feel about your approach?"
"Somehow it sounded better the way I phrased it. You make it sound willful."
"Wasn't it?"
Damn this woman could be infuriating, especially when she righteously indignant. Another deep breath. "No, Clarisse. I acted on emotion, not well thought-out, carefully planned logic taking time to consider alternatives, backup plans and all sides to the matter." This was not going the way he had planned.
"Perhaps now you see the error in that approach?"
His knees hurt from the way he had been pushing himself and now his head hurt from this tireless argument. "I believe you have pointed it out to me on one or more occasion."
"Maybe we should discuss this another time?"
"I'm beginning to think that's a good idea. It's obvious you aren't ready for an apology yet."
"If that was the way you intended to start it, then you're right…I'm not ready." She stood and leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow."
She turned to leave his room, but his voice stopped her.
"Clarisse."
She looked back at him, one hand on the door knob. "Yes?"
"Why do you keep coming back? It's obvious you are very angry with me…" he held his hands up in a defensive gesture, "rightfully so. I just don't understand…"
She didn't understand it herself, truly, but she answered him honestly. "I don't say I love you lightly, Joseph, as you well know. When I said that to you, I meant it. Just because I am angry or hurt, it doesn't change anything. We'll work this out…eventually."
^^C/J^^
He had decided that night that he couldn't fight for her until he could walk again – that way he could chase after her if necessary. She had a tactical advantage, an emotional advantage, and the fact that she was right on her side. He needed to be able to deal effectively with all of those advantages and he couldn't do that until he could walk again. So he had focused all of his energy into that. He knew she had been a little disturbed by the fact he hadn't made an effort to apologize over the next six weeks but, true to her word, she still visited for a while every evening.
His inability to hold her, comfort her, kiss her or touch her was taking its toll on both of them – even though she would never admit it. The dark circles illustrated her lack of sleep and the uneasiness they felt when in other people's presence was growing. Everyone knew something wasn't right, they just didn't have any idea what it was.
^^C/J^^
"So what's going on with Gramma and Joe?" Mia asked Charlotte the next morning over breakfast in her suite.
Charlotte tried not to choke on her eggs as she took a quick sip of juice. "What do you mean?"
Mia shot her a look that spoke volumes. "Really, Charlotte? We're going to play this game?"
Charlotte chuckled. "You're becoming more like your Grandmother every day."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"It was intended as one."
"Well, as my Grandmother would say, don't try to change the subject."
A deep breath was slowly exhaled. "No one truly knows, Princess. Things have been…distant between them since his surgery."
"You know nothing?" Mia shot her an accusing look.
"Am I good at lying?"
Mia sighed. "No. No you're not."
"Believe me, I've tried to get her to open up to me; but she's a closed book."
"Perhaps I can get her to open up." Mia thought out loud.
"Get who to open up?" Clarisse's voice preceded her into the room.
Charlotte stood up abruptly. "Your Majesty…what a welcome surprise." She cast a glance to Mia that said she hoped the Queen hadn't overheard their conversation and implored her not to say anything…at least not until she could get out of the room.
"Please sit…I just wanted to stop in and make sure you were all settled in and had a good night's rest, Amelia."
"From the looks of it much better than you did, Gramma. Here have some tea, you look exhausted."
Clarisse smiled at her granddaughter. "I wish I could, dear; but I have matters to attend to before you and I get started today. I will see you in one hour?"
"Sure, Gramma; and…" she added before Clarisse could say anything, "I promise I won't be late."
Clarisse nodded and turned to Charlotte. "Thirty minutes?"
"Yes ma'am; I will be there."
Both women watched as the Queen left, thankful she hadn't questioned them about their conversation; but more than thankful…they were worried.
^^C/J^^
Several hours later, after completing mounds of paperwork, Charlotte entered the Queen's office in an effort to move their schedule along. "Your Majesty, Princess, it's time to go to the stables."
Clarisse looked up with a confused look on her face. "Stables? I didn't see that on the preliminary draft of the schedule."
Charlotte shot a quick look to Mia, hoping that their plan wouldn't backfire. "It was added in the final draft, Your Majesty."
Clarisse rummaged through the papers on her desk to uncover the elusive schedule. She peered through her glasses and saw that, indeed, an hour had been allotted for a visit to the stables and riding practice for Amelia. "So it was. I can't believe I missed that. Charlotte, why don't you escort Amelia to the stables and see to her lesson? I will continue working through the paperwork here."
Amelia took a deep breath and prepared to begin her act. "I can't believe you, Gramma."
Clarisse looked up at her sharply. "I beg your pardon."
The Princess stood and put herself between Charlotte and the Queen, knowing Charlotte was very uncomfortable with this part of the plan they had hatched up over tea this morning. "You heard me. Since my junior year of high school, I have spent every summer here in Genovia, studying, learning how to be Queen, attending diplomatic functions, and whatever else you have asked me to do. Now you have the opportunity to take a few minutes out of your day, time that is scheduled I might add, and spend some time outdoors with your only grandchild doing something we both love, and you want to send your aide? Really, Gramma?"
Clarisse studied the young woman's face. While she had the distinct impression she was being "handled", the look on her granddaughter's face and her compelling argument made it difficult for her to refuse. "It's good to see that your debating skills are coming along nicely." Clarisse smiled at her. "I suppose it won't hurt and, as you pointed out, it is part of the schedule."
The evidence of her granddaughter's youth returned as she squealed and ran towards her to enclose her in a tight embrace. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'm going to change." She ran out of the room.
Clarisse stood, much more slowly and straightened the papers on her desk. She walked over to Charlotte, who was still standing quietly by the door. She leaned in a bit and lowered her voice. "Just so you know…I did review the schedule this morning and horseback riding wasn't on there. You switched them at some point."
Charlotte's face told Clarisse everything she needed to know, without her ever saying a word. She did try, though. "Your Majesty…I…"
Clarisse smiled and put her hand on the young woman's arm. "It's alright, Charlotte. I could use some fresh air."
She watched as her aide exhaled a visible sigh of relief. She winked at her and added. "I just wanted you to know that while my body may not be as young as it used to be, my mind is still just as sharp."
Charlotte smiled and nodded her head, admitting Clarisse had played them perfectly in return. "Yes ma'am."
The wind caressed her and invigorated her soul. The mighty steed under her was powerful and totally at her command – it was a heady feeling and one which she never grew tired of. She focused on Amelia, who was a few lengths ahead of her, pushing Sandy into a full gallop. There was a warmness that flooded her as she thought of this common bond that she and Amelia shared – something that connected them even though they were often worlds apart.
They pulled their horses to a stop at the top of the ridge. They were afforded a beautiful view of Genovia from this vantage point. Mia offered. "It's a beautiful country, Gramma. From here I can see the ocean, the flowering meadows, the farms…it's all so…"
"Breathtaking…"
"That's the word."
They were quiet a few moments longer and then Amelia took a deep breath and asked. "Is it all worth it, Gramma?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is all the sacrifice worth the breathtaking country that lies below us?"
Clarisse thought about playing coy, but found she was tired of playing games in her relationships. "At times, yes and other times…it seems a high price to pay, even for the wonderful land of Genovia."
Feeling emboldened by her Grandmother's cooperation, Mia continued. "What's going on between you and Joe?"
Clarisse fought the urge to glare at her granddaughter for that would only tell more than she wanted her to know. Instead, she continued to stare forward. "I'm unsure what you mean, Amelia."
"Grandma…"
"Amelia…"
"Fine – if that's the way you want to play it…I'll tell you what I see. I see two people who are the best of friends, have shared everything in their lives and practically every moment of their lives for as long as they can remember. Perhaps it's the kind of friendship that everyone wishes they could have with another human being or perhaps it's more. Either way, something has come between the two of you.
"Amelia!" She cast a cursory glance, including the infamous glare.
"Don't Amelia me…I know what I saw. Don't worry, though, it's not evident when you both are in public together. Anyway, it's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. My point is, Clarisse, that when I saw you two together this time, it's obvious there's something wrong. You aren't sleeping; he looks miserable." She turned and faced her Grandmother fully as she finished. "And that, Your Majesty, is what I mean."
Without another word, Amelia turned Sandy the rest of the way and headed back towards the stable. Clarisse took a deep breath and thought about the love of her life that must remain hidden away. She spoke softly and into the wind. "Today, Amelia, is one of the days when the sacrifice seems almost too much."
She turned her horse around and headed back towards the Palace but at a much slower pace than Amelia as she was in no hurry to get back to the constant reminder of sacrifice that awaited her there.
**C/J**
Clarisse was exhausted by the time she knocked on Joseph's door. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep this up. She was used to being strong for everyone else in the country, but Joseph was usually strong for her. Over the past three months or so, she had held back from leaning on him either personally or professionally as he had enough to worry about. But it had taken its toll on her. Even if they had not been dealing with the emotional ramifications of their actions, this would have been hard. Those matters just further complicated things. She took a deep breath…she needed to be strong.
"Good evening, Clarisse."
"Hello, Joseph. Amelia sends her regards and said she would stop by later if that was acceptable."
"Of course. I always enjoy time with her."
"I wouldn't bet on that tonight." She warned.
"Why is that?"
"During our horse ride today, she lectured me and tried to pry out of me what was wrong between you and I."
"What did you say to her?"
"Nothing."
"She let you go with that."
"She didn't even give me a chance to respond, really. She shared her point of view, turned and rode off into the proverbial sunset."
Joseph took a long look at Clarisse. She was tired, the lines around her eyes were more pronounced and the sadness in her eyes was overwhelming. "Come here, please."
"What?"
"Please, Clarisse, just come and let me hold you for a few minutes. No strings, no expectations…just a friend lending support."
He watched her battle with herself and thanked God when she stood to move over closer to him. "How shall we do this? I don't want to hurt you."
"Just come sit next to me and I'll take it from there. I won't be able to hold you as I want to in order to provide full support; but I shall give you all that I can right now."
She felt his arms come around her body and she leaned in to lay her head on his shoulder. He was right; it wasn't the same as being fully embraced by him, but as he gently rubbed her arms and she felt the beating of his heart, she decided it was better than being alone.
He continued to hold her until he heard her steady, even breathing. He allowed himself to kiss her hair gently and whisper. "Tomorrow, Clarisse…I promise to try to set things straight again. For now, just rest my love…just rest."
He would let her sleep for a little while before waking her. If Amelia came in and found Clarisse in his arms like this…there would be hell to pay. Of that, he was certain.
^^C/J^^
Clarisse woke to the sound of her alarm, which was unusual. Generally, she woke long before the alarm and enjoyed the few minutes of quiet time she had before Olivia came in to start their day. She blinked rapidly to focus on the small table in the corner of her suite. Moving out of bed, she slowly made her way over to the corner of her room, smiling as she inhaled the fragrance of the half dozen peace roses that were ensconced in a delicate crystal vase. She knew who they were from without even opening the card, but her curiosity as to the contents of the note won over.
"C, I've been working on my apology and am looking forward to trying again tonight. Dinner at 6 pm, my place – casual attire. J"
She was unsure how he arranged the delivery of the flowers, but trusted that he kept it a private matter. Feeling a bit of hope creep into her tired bones, she made her way to the bathroom to start her daily routine. Maybe tonight, they could experience some progress in their relationship…something that had been dreadfully absent for months now. They couldn't go back and change things and she truly understood what had motivated Joseph…she needed him to understand how hurt and used she felt – even if she had been willing.
^^C/J^^
Clarisse exited from the morning session of Parliament and headed towards the small dining room for tea. Charlotte and Amelia were in Pyrus today touring the orphanage, museum, and Center for Genovian History. As a result, Olivia was pulling double duty. While not as efficient as Charlotte in handling the day to day operations, she had been cross trained on the basics and provided an adequate substitute for the rare times Charlotte was unavailable.
Olivia saw Clarisse entering the corridor. "Good morning again, Your Majesty."
"Good morning, Olivia." Clarisse smiled and started towards her destination. Olivia's voice made her stop and turn around.
"I put the diplomatic pouch along with this morning's newspaper on the table."
"Thank you."
"All went well in Parliament this morning, ma'am?" Olivia smiled as though discussing this was the most natural thing in the world.
Clarisse angled her head slightly and she was certain that her look conveyed that this was not the most natural thing for the two of them to be discussing. "As well as Parliament can go, I suspect."
"I'm sure you handled everything well, ma'am."
"Thank you, Olivia. If you don't mind, I'd like to go ahead and have tea before it gets cold." She decided she would add the last bit before the questioning continued.
"Certainly ma'am, enjoy. Let me know if you need anything else."
Clarisse smiled and then made her way to the dining room. "Odd…" was the only thought that came to her mind. She entered the room and sat at the large mahogany table. As she expected, the china tea setting was waiting for her along with the diplomatic pouch and paper. There was a small surprise, though, as a single rose lay next to today's newspaper. The card simply read:
"Eight hours until I have the chance to wine and dine you and sweep you off your feet again."
Clarisse looked about to see if anyone was around; but she was alone. Perhaps Joseph had asked Olivia to assist him? She allowed herself the luxury of inhaling the wondrous scent and a small smile to cross her lips. If she wasn't mistaken, it sounded like she had a date tonight! Realizing her time was limited, she set the rose down and hastened to finish her tea and review the paperwork. She would need to take the rose to her suite before her late morning appointments started. Another deep breath calmed her excitement and she focused on the tasks at hand.
^^C/J^^
At lunch time, Clarisse decided to take her lunch in the staff kitchen. She didn't want to trouble the culinary people with setting up in an entirely different room just for her. When she arrived, a plate of baby greens with pear vinaigrette dressing and a warm roll waited…along with another peace rose. Her fingers trembled slightly as she opened the card.
"Eat well, my Queen as you will need energy for what I have planned for tonight. Six more hours…"
While her mind was sounding its endless warnings, her heart fluttered in anticipation. This sounded more like the Joseph from before the surgery…the man who had captivated her attention from the moment she met him. Life with Joseph wasn't easy…but, then again, life with her certainly wasn't a day on the beach either.
^^C/J^^
Throughout the remainder of the day, Clarisse would find a rose at various locations throughout the palace, each with notes promising a delightful evening. She was trying very hard to stay upset with him and to not let herself forget that there were still issues to be resolved. It had been challenging…perhaps that had been his plan? He could be quite the strategist when required. She smiled and put the last of the roses in the vase that had started off with six this morning and now held a perfect dozen. The scent filled her room and calmed her spirit.
She indulged in a quick bath before donning a crème colored pair of slacks and blue silk blouse that highlighted her eyes. Carefully adjusting the necklace Joseph had given her so the pendant rested in its rightful place, adding a pair of earrings that closely matched; she added a spritz of perfume, Chanel; slipped on a comfortable pair of high heels; one last check of her hair and makeup; a deep breath and she was ready to go.
^^C/J^^
Clarisse stepped into Joseph's room through the private entrance, her senses immediately drawn to the soft lighting and the faint smell of cinnamon. Soft music was playing and it made her want to dance…it seemed a lifetime since her body had moved in time to the orchestral strains that called to her dancer's soul. She missed it terribly. Glancing around the room, she noticed she was the sole occupant. "Joseph?"
A voice came from the bedroom and she turned in that direction. Her hands covered her mouth as a gasp escaped.
Joseph stood in the door frame, absent a cane or walker. "Dance with me, beautiful?"
Words escaped her as her tall, dark and handsome knight walked towards her. He was dressed all in black with the exception of the cufflinks she had given him for Christmas; the opal standing out against the black background. His gait was not as strong yet as it had been before; but he was walking on his own power and he was walking towards her. She simply nodded her head and stepped into his arms.
A warm blanket of contentment covered the two bodies moving as one on the makeshift dance floor. Everything else could be wrong in the world; but when they were on the dance floor together, it all faded away as the darkness of night leaving only the music flowing in and around them. Joseph closed his eyes as her body moved in counterpart to his. It felt so good to hold her in his arms again, feeling the sway of her body and the warmth of her hand in his and the feel of her well toned back under his palm.
Clarisse was at home here in his arms. She allowed him to guide her and reveled in his touch. This was safe. This was right. This was where she belonged. The song ended and another, slower song began. She gently pulled her hand from his and clasped both behind his neck, stepping further into his dance space. His hands slipped lower to hold her at the small of her back. She whispered into his ear, "I've missed this terribly."
Joseph pulled her body closer until they were almost flush. "I've missed holding you."
She didn't need to vocalize her response; they both knew. She rested her head on his shoulder as they continued to move gently to the music wanting to enjoy the moment for as long as they could make it last.
Finally, they broke apart to enjoy their dinner. Clarisse watched as he poured the wine. "Did your doctor clear you for all of this, Joseph?" She asked, concern marring her features.
"It took a little persuasion; but yes." He smiled.
She fought back her first thought – he seemed to be very good at getting what he wanted. Instead she simply smiled and nodded. If he noticed her silence, he didn't say anything. She inwardly sighed, picked up her fork and began to eat.
Joseph was trying to keep his emotions under control. Did she have any idea how absolutely beautiful she was? How the moment she stepped into his arms, all well thought out plans and logic evaporated as smoke from a small candle. She made his heart beat faster, his blood heat and his mind mush. Deciding he needed to regain a modicum of control before he tried his apology again, he followed her lead and began to eat. He wasn't sure he would get another chance.
Dinner passed with polite conversation regarding the events of the day and anticipation for Mia and Charlotte's return. Clarisse was certain she would be regaled with tales of her escapades for hours later in the evening.
Finally, Joseph knew he had to speak. He didn't want Amelia to return and rob him of everything he had tried to accomplish today by stealing her grandmother way from him. "Clarisse?"
Her heart rate increased…she knew this was it. The moment they both had been anticipating and avoiding all evening. "Yes?"
"I am truly sorry that I did not consider the full impact of the words I spoke to you that night. I used knowledge that had been safely tucked away for years to negotiate an advantage over you. It was wrong and I'm sorry. While I am not sorry that I physically shared my love with you that evening, I am sorry for the circumstances surrounding it."
She knew he meant it and that he was sincere…she could see that in his eyes; and the eyes never lie. "No promise to never do it again?" She asked softly.
"Never make love to you again?"
She quickly shook her head. "No…I certainly hope that is on a future agenda and that we both are afforded an opportunity to try again." She smiled.
He returned her smile, glad that she wasn't precluding a future for them. So far – so good. This was the hard part though…the part that might get ugly. He had thought long and hard about this and determined she deserved the same honesty she had given him.
"I want you to know that because you have been so very honest with me, I can be no less with you."
"I appreciate that…I think…" she added the last bit hesitantly, unsure what he would say.
"Your relationship with me will not and cannot be the same as your relationship with Rupert."
Clarisse looked at him quizzically. What he said seemed obvious, Rupert was King and the father of her children. It was an arranged marriage and they had what she had come to term as a working relationship.
Joseph continued. "I'm not talking about our roles in this world. I'm referring to our roles in your life and in your heart."
She just looked at him, holding her expression neutral until he said more. He took another deep breath and continued. "With Rupert everything was arranged, predictable and basically set in stone. The two of you were to marry, produce heirs, and run the country. With me, none of that is true. The same things that draw you to me also scare you."
Her face registered surprise; but not necessarily denial. Her silence continued as did he. "I'm not predictable; I'm not safe; I'm a passion filled man that, on occasion, lets his emotions get the better of him. You are excited and frightened by the way I make you feel."
She thought about his words. While they certainly had a comfortable working relationship, there was another level to their relationship that she had never experienced with Rupert. With Joseph she had experienced desire, passion, jealousy and emotions that went far below the surface into her very soul. Since honesty was the theme of the night, she quietly said all she had just thought in one simple word. "Yes."
He took her hand and pulled her to a standing position, pulling her body to his until they were fitted perfectly against each other. She immediately felt her body's response and was angry at herself for her lack of control. "Whether you are willing to admit it or not, those feelings make you do things you wouldn't normally do, finding forbidden pleasures in touches and kisses – enjoyment most people accept; but you fight valiantly against. For you that means a loss of control. In your position, that is a dangerous place to be."
"It's the monarchy…I have responsibilities." She whispered; but it sounded hollow even to her own ears.
"I would never ask you to stop being who you are. It's not possible, no more than I can change who I am."
"So what are you saying?" She was quickly losing her ability to focus as the heat from his body seeped into her body, both calming and exciting her.
"I'm saying that I promise to never….EVER use my knowledge about your relationship with Rupert as a tactical advantage against you. If I do, you should slap me."
He felt her head nod against his shoulder. He slipped a finger under her chin and lifted her face to look directly into those mesmerizing sapphire pools. "I cannot, however, promise that I can stop being who I am - which means that sometimes my emotions will get the best of me and I'm not above telling you exactly how it is. I will respect your authority in our professional relationship; but in our personal one – we are both here of our own free will. You were safe with Rupert – he wasn't going anywhere…you two were pledged until death do you part. I love you and have no intention of leaving you; but what holds me here is not parliament, Genovia or some outdated rules regarding arranged marriages. You always have a choice as do I."
Clarisse stared into his blue depths as she processed what he was saying. Before emotions didn't truly play a role in her relationship. She felt something for Rupert; but nothing like she felt for Joseph. Rupert had to be with her…Joseph didn't and vice versa. There was something strangely liberating and terrifying about that understanding. She smiled coyly. "Of course, once you marry me, that will all change."
His smile broadened as he pulled her lower body even further into his. His voice was husky as he replied. "That's right…once you agree to marry me, you will be stuck with me forever. I take my vows very seriously."
In her heart, she already knew she would be his forever…it was just a matter of convincing her mind and the rest of Genovia. "So are you finished with your apology?" she offered him a raised eyebrow and crooked smile. "Such as it was?"
"I think that was a fantastic apology and one I have been rehearsing for weeks."
"One doesn't generally mingle an apology with a 'take me as I am' lecture." She teased.
"I told you…I'm not like other guys."
Her arms circled his neck again. "Indeed you are not." She whispered before claiming his mouth in a demanding kiss.
Joseph let one hand tangle in her hair while the other slipped lower to the curve of her bottom. Merde this woman felt so right in his arms. He felt her tongue pressing for entrance and he opened to her, deepening the kiss as his hands tightened on their targets, igniting the heat between their bodies once again.
Clarisse explored and reacquainted herself with the man now holding her so fiercely against his hard body. He was right…this was unlike anything she had ever encountered before. It was primal and cried out to her to give it free reign. It was more intoxicating than the strongest alcohol and offered more pleasure than the finest chocolate. Needing air, she broke the kiss and let her head fall back, allowing him to more closely sample her perfume. The feel of his lips across the taut skin sent shivers down her spine. "Joseph…"
His mouth lifted enough to ask. "So apology accepted?"
She couldn't help but smile and it came through in her voice, even though her head didn't move. "Only if you keep kissing me like that."
Joseph took a deep breath, relieved that perhaps that chapter was finally behind them. "As you wish…" he chuckled and lowered his mouth to taste her once again.
^^C/J^^
tbc