2 days ago

EPOV

I was numb. I had done nothing but drink and get high since I got to Chicago. I couldn't even remember how long ago that was. I just knew that I was so fucked up that I couldn't focus on anything. That was exactly what I needed though, because as soon as I got on that fucking plane I knew I had fucked up. Not only did I accuse my wife of cheating on me, but I told her to get rid of our child. What kind of a fucked up person does something like that?

That's exactly what I was, one fucked up individual. That was the main reason I was staying away from Bella right now. Her and our baby would be a lot better off without me in their lives. I knew she probably hated me right now, and that was for the best. The more she hated me, the quicker it would be for her to move on. I didn't want to imagine her with someone else, but I also didn't want to burden her with raising our child alone.

"Another beer, man?" James asked me as he walked back into the living room. I nodded my head and he tossed me a can. James had supplied me with all the booze and drugs I wanted since I arrived. He made it so easy for me to forget, and that was exactly what I wanted to do...forget everything. He never asked me what was going on with me and I was glad. I didn't want to talk about it.

As soon as I left our apartment that night I knew I needed to get out of town immediately. Thankfully, James was still around the same area so I had somewhere to stay. I was surprised that no one had found me yet. I figured that as soon as they realized I was gone they'd come here looking for me. I bought my ticket with cash that night so they couldn't trace a credit card statement. James told me that he didn't work where he used to and he didn't live in the same apartment building, so he was hard to track down too.

"So, what's on the agenda for today?" I asked as James stood up and walked toward the door. I almost laughed because I knew that he had nothing planned. I wasn't even sure if he had left the apartment at all since I got here except to buy food, beer or drugs.

"I'm gonna go down and see Vicki. She's been bitching about me not seeing her lately," he said as he took another chug of his beer. I had met Vicki once sometime since I'd been here. She seemed pretty nice, but I couldn't handle the groping and kissing that seemed to happen when they were in the same room together.

"Catch ya later," he said before walking out the door and heading downstairs to Vicki's.

I knew it was my own fault, but I fucking missed my wife. I missed laying down beside her at night and holding her body close to mine. I missed waking up every morning and watching her face as she slowly woke up. I missed her smell, her voice, her lips. I just fucking missed everything about her.

But I knew that I couldn't go back now. I had fucked up everything and it would never be alright again. I wished I could see her again. I imagined her, with a rounded belly, her skin glowing as she carried our child. I couldn't believe I would never see her again. I would never get to lay eyes on my child.

That was my own fault though. If I'd never stopped taking my meds again, I wouldn't have gotten all fucking suspicious and paranoid and blew up at her. I wouldn't have let the anger get the best of me and stormed off that night. I would be with her right now instead of in this shitty apartment all alone. I grabbed some of the pills James had left on the coffee table and took a few. I was becoming too coherent and needed something to knock my ass back out.

I didn't know how long James had been gone, but I was surprised when there was a knock at the door. I figured it was too early for him to be back and it was one of his buddies that usually came here to hang out. I stood up from the couch and wobbled my way to the door. I pulled it open and was startled at who I saw standing there.

"Edward! Thank God!" Carlisle yelled as I stepped away from him. He followed me inside as I slowly backed toward the wall. I slid my body down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. He couldn't find me here like this. I was high and drunk and all kinds of fucked up. He was going to send me away again. I couldn't go back there again. I couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry. Please don't send me away. Please don't take me back there. Please don't leave me." I kept repeating over and over. I had no idea if I was talking to Carlisle or saying what I needed to say to Bella.

I felt Carlisle help me stand up from the floor. Everything was so blurry I could barely see. My face was wet. The fresh air hit me as soon as we were outside and I felt my stomach lurch. I pulled away from Carlisle and threw up in the bushes by the front entrance. He led me to the parking lot and into his car. Everything went black almost as soon as my head hit the seat.

I woke up later with my head pounding and my eyes swollen. I knew we were still in the car, but I had no idea where we were exactly. I was laying in the back seat and Carlisle was on the phone. I tried to hear what he was saying, but I had a feeling I was still high and my head was throbbing so hard I could barely think.

"Had to rent a car..."

"Couldn't take him on a plane..."

"Cried for hours..."

"Finally fell asleep..."

"Nightmares..."

That was all I could catch him saying in my groggy state. He was quiet for a few minutes, evidently listening to who was on the other end. It was probably Esme. He hated to be away from her for any length of time. I had no idea how long he'd been away from her while trying to find my sorry ass. Another person to add to the long list of people I'd hurt unintentionally.

"I'll call her and get her to meet us at the house," was the last thing I heard him say before I was out again.