Kendall still wasn't awake. Two weeks, one day, twenty-one hours and fifty minutes after the incident, he was still in a coma. Everyone was starting to worry now, James and Carlos, mama Knight, Katie and Dak. Not to mention all the children. And me. I wasn't just worried anymore. I was scared. With every passing minute, the chance I would lose Kendall got bigger and bigger. I didn't know how I would deal with that. Mama Knight would probably never give me my children back if I Kendall passed away.

I was sitting there again. In that corner of the couch where Kendall always sat when he was here, watching TV, talking with James and Carlos. Or just the two of us, snuggling together in that corner, which was always so warm and nice and comfortable.

But without Kendall, this was just a corner of a couch. One you could find in any couch. Not nearly as warm or comfortable. With Kendall gone I was all alone, alone until mama Knight decided I could handle everything better. Or until Kendall woke up.

Two weeks ago, the day after Daniel decided to almost kill the love of my life, I had gone to the Palm Woods with James and Carlos with the goal of getting my children. But it didn't go that way. After I had explained what exactly happened the day before, with help of James and Carlos, she took my two friends with her to the hallway to talk to them.

I truly didn't care at that moment. The only thing I wanted was to have Kendall back and take my children home and lock ourselves in the house so nothing bad could ever happen again. As they were talking, I tried my best to explain my children what happened in the gentlest way, leaving the almost dead part and Daniel away. "So papa is sleeping like the sleeping beauty?" Keira had asked.

I answered 'yes', because then they wouldn't worry too much. The fairytale ended happily, there was no reason for them to believe this wouldn't end happily. Not yet.

But then Jennifer, James and Carlos came back from the hall and explained me their plan. "Maybe it's better for Keira and Kegan to stay here for a few more days," Mama Knight said gently. "Until you came over the shock and feel a little better. Taking care of two children on your own while you're pregnant is really tough, Logan."

At first I wanted to yell at the bitch to not be so ridiculous. They were my children and they were coming home with me, where they belonged! But after half an hour of reasoning from their side I reluctantly gave in. Maybe it was better. Maybe I would feel better in a few days. Maybe I just had to get over the shock, like they said...

But the longer I was alone, the more I realized how wrong this was. Without Keira and Kegan I had no reason to do anything anymore. I just waited. I waited until I could go back to Kendall in the morning. At the hospital I waited until I could go back to the Palm Woods. At the Palm Woods I waited until I could go see Kendall again. And when I got home, I just waited for the morning and the whole thing to start up again.

And this went on for two weeks and still no one wanted to give my children back to me. Even Katie was in on it now and agreed this was for the best. Obviously no one cared how I felt about it, this was all in Keira's and Kegan's best interests. I didn't see it though, because every day I visited them they cried when I left and wanted to come with me. No one cared I had to tell them over and over again that I couldn't yet, that grandma had forbidden me to take care of them. I couldn't explain that to two little children, I couldn't tell them their grandma told me not to take them home.

I did think about just going in there and simply taking them home. But that wasn't an option either. I couldn't do that to Kendall. I was sure if I took them home without mama Knight's permission I would lose her forever, even though she had not a single reason to keep my children away from me. This was also the reason why I didn't call the police or whatever other service that could get me my children back.

And I was lonelier than ever. Without Kendall, without my children. I had never cried in front of my children, I never ever let them hear how worried I was about Kendall, never showed them how scared I was to lose him. Then why would they keep them away from me? I could take care of them perfectly fine!

I stopped talking to them. Since a week, I hadn't said a word to mama Knight, James, Carlos or Katie. I only talked with my children. I listened to them, tried to laugh at their jokes or funny stories and answered them in any way I could, just so they would know I loved them.

Visiting Kendall in the hospital was definitely the hardest thing I ever did. I didn't want to see him like that. My strong, handsome, caring husband lying lifelessly on that bed, nothing more than a little pile of bones and skin. I hated watching his face get paler, his hands get colder, his weight reducing, his muscles shrinking and his spirit leaving a little more every day.

Kendall had always been strong, almost unbreakable to me. Though there he was, so close to the edge of life. How could I possibly live on if even Kendall couldn't? He was way stronger than I was, he would find a way to make the best of this and not break down. I could use a hug so bad at this moment, but even James and Carlos turned their back to me, keeping my children away from me like that. They probably would say they were still my friends, thinking they did what was best for me, but a real friend would never keep my children away. I didn't have the strength to fight back!

I might lose the love of my life, I was worried about what would happen if I did end up alone, with two children and an unborn baby. I worried what the stress would do to my already high risk pregnancy, which only made me stress more. I couldn't do this without Kendall. I couldn't do this without my children here to distract me. I couldn't do this without help from my friends and family, but I realized that without Kendall, I had absolutely no bond with them whatsoever.

Mama Knight and Katie were Kendall's family, James and Carlos were Kendall's friends. Kendall had been the one to keep us all together, without him, I appeared to have no one left. This incident had showed just how weak the bond was that kept us all together.

I didn't really care though. I only wanted two things. My children back and Kendall to wake up.

At least Kendall didn't go into vegetative state yet. I had no idea what I would do when that happened. It would reduce the chance of Kendall ever waking up to 0.001%. And I didn't want to see my love like that, awake, looking around and even focusing, but not seeing, not thinking. He would wake up and go to sleep in a normal rhythm, but he would not be aware he was doing it.

Then even the lifeless form he had now was better.

I curled in on myself and pulled the blanket from the armrest of the couch. I wished Kendall was here so I could hide in his arms and forget about this mess, but of course Kendall's absence was the cause of all my problems. Oh, what I would do to have him here, to have him back, instead of this stupid blanket that wasn't even capable of keeping me warm.

I stared out of the window again and tried to think of nothing.

I put the new picture I made on his night stand, making sure it was in front of all the others. Then I went to the wall to close the curtains in front of the windows and dimmed the lights, at last I pulled out the fake candles ran on batteries and put them on, creating an almost romantic scene if it wasn't for the fact that Kendall was still lying lifelessly on that bed.

I sat in the chair next to his bed and slipped my hand in his. As usual it was cold and it would take a while before it felt warm again. "I just wanted to wish you a happy anniversary," I said softly. To me it wasn't happy it at all, but that didn't mean Kendall shouldn't have a happy time where ever he was.

A tear escaped and I didn't even think of wiping it away. I'd wanted to celebrate this day with Kendall so bad, last year we couldn't because I chose to act like a dick and the year before that an important test had been planned on this day which made it impossible to do anything special besides having dinner together at a restaurant we both liked. I'd wanted this year to be special. We were married for five years, after all.

Kendall still referred to our wedding day as the best day of his life. For me it had been topped by several other days, like the ones on which I knew for sure Keira and Kegan were going to be safe and happy and healthy -not the days they were born, because each of those days had been a nightmare. And the day Kendall took me back, because I had been fearing he would never ever want me again.

But Kendall still loved that day most and I knew he had been dying to celebrate it again, to do something special and romantic and I had every intention to make this day as special and romantic as I possibly could in a hospital room while he wasn't even awake. Maybe it was silly of me, to do something for Kendall that he would never know of, but to me it was important. I wanted to be sure I did everything I could to give Kendall what he wanted, even now.

"We have been married for five years now," I said quietly. "Five years, Kendall. It's amazing, isn't it? Half of the couples in America divorce, but not us. I'll never leave you, no one else can possibly be as good as you are. And you should never let go of what's too good for you."

I hoped he heard me and would wake up and tell me he loved me so everything would be alright. I wanted to see him again so badly. "You were so happy that day," I remembered fondly. "All smiles and laughter and you looked so handsome."

"I loved your vow most," I whispered and ran my finger over his ring. "You said such sweet and amazing things and I never wanted to leave those few minutes behind, just play them over and over and over again and never forget a single word you said."

"You cried at my vow, but I still think I cried harder at yours. My speech wasn't nearly as good as yours. Mine was written and learned until I knew it inside out, while you never even thought of it, you just said whatever came up in your head, straight from your heart. It was then I really, truly realized you loved me and never wanted anything more than me and while this sounds incredibly selfish, I know it's true now."

"But Kendall, I love you just as much and need you a hundred times more than you need me. I don't know what I would do without you."

I pulled his hand to my face and rubbed my cheek against the back of it. "Come back to me, Kendall, please? I don't know how much longer I can go without you..."

I kissed each of his knuckles before resting my hands in my lap, holding his hand close to me. "I promise we'll do something amazing on our half anniversary, or when you wake up. Or whenever you want, as long as you wake up for me, okay?"

I stared at him and begged to any god who wanted to listen to please give me Kendall back. After everything we had been through we deserved a little peace, right? Every day I had to go back to an empty house. No Keira and Kegan, no Kendall. Only James or Carlos to make sure I ate and went to bed, they still tried to talk to me, but it was useless. Nothing they said could heal me, none of their words could take away my pain. The pain of losing the love of your life, possibly forever. They had no idea how to deal with that.

"I miss you."

That about covered everything I was feeling. When Kendall woke up I could get Keira and Kegan back. Kendall would get them back for me, he would believe me when I told him the story.

I got up abruptly and sat next to Kendall on the bed, then carefully snuggled into his side and rested my head on his chest. "I love you, Kendall. Please wake up for me? Take your time, I'll be waiting, but please wake up, okay?"

For a while I just laid there and listened to Kendall's slow heartbeat. It felt so wrong to curl up against him and not feel a comforting arm around my back. Kendall always cuddled back and now he didn't. "I wanted to bring you a present," I said quietly, "But I didn't know what you could use at the moment. I'll come up with something soon."

I kissed his cheek before resting my head back. "Just make sure you are here for your birthday, okay?"

I started fantasizing about next year, hoping we could do something special then. No, I didn't even care what we did, as long as he was with me next year I would be happy. Next year Kenzie would be almost a year old, and Kegan five and a half and Keira already seven. Maybe we could go camping next year in the summer, take the children somewhere they'd never been before.

I closed my eyes tiredly and already felt myself drifting off. I'd barely slept two hours and to lie here with Kendall was almost like he never got in a coma. I just wanted to sleep a few hours in a place that felt safe and comfortable, a place where Kendall was.

Almost at the beginning of my eight month of pregnancy, I felt time running out. The c-section was scheduled for November 11th, a few days after Kendall's birthday, because we didn't want those two days to be too close together. I'd laughed about that with Kendall, Keira was born on 6-6, Kegan on 3-3 and now Kenzie would come on 11-11. Funny coincidence.

I didn't want to do it on my own though. I couldn't do it on my own. Kendall wanted to be with me during the c-section really bad, but even more than he wanted it I needed him to be there. He had to make sure everything went as it was supposed to go. And with him in a coma, that was impossible. I definitely wasn't going to ask anyone else either; they would steal Kenzie from me before I even got to see her. I couldn't let that happen. They had Keira and Kegan, but they would never have Kenzie. She was mine.

I dreamt about Kendall waking up on the day of the c-section, that he would run into the OR and sit next to my head as the doctor cut me open, holding my hand and stroking my hair.

I cried when I woke up a few hours later, wishing so desperately that dream was true.

I tripped over the loose carpet Kendall promised he would fix after the surgery. I fell over and instinctively caught myself to prevent falling on my bump. A second after I collided with the floor a sharp pain shot up my wrist and I quickly sat on my butt to get my hands off the floor. It really hurt.

I turned around to look at the stairs, expecting Kendall to appear because he'd heard me fall. Then I remembered Kendall was in a coma, in the hospital, and couldn't possibly have heard me. I bit my lip and stared ahead of me, the pain in my wrist forgotten. Losing Kendall hurt way more than a sprained wrist.

New tears escaped my eyes as I sat there on the ground, all alone in my house. No children, no Kendall, no James and Carlos coming to eat dinner. No mama Knight, no Katie, no one. Just me and Kenzie, but she wasn't even really here yet. Kendall was never gone at night, he never left me unless he really had too. How was I going to do this?

I was cold. I was tired. My wrist hurt, I really did sprain it. My heart was broken, my mind filled with yearning for Kendall. Why didn't Kendall listen to me four weeks ago? Why hadn't I been more persuasive?

Kenzie kicked me hard. She probably hated me for losing Kendall. She was his baby and now he was gone. She was totally right to hate me. I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them. I wanted nothing more than Kendall. And I didn't even deserve him. I'd never done anything to deserve him.

Kendall was so sweet to me. He was gentle, he was caring, he loved me more than was good for him. He was never mad, he never yelled at me, he never thought I did anything wrong even when I totally had done something wrong. He helped me, he held me, he protected me and he gave me everything I wanted. And never had I done anything to deserve it. How could he love me so much?

Kendall gave. Kendall did everything for everyone, you just had to ask. I took. Everything I could get, everything I wanted. I was really a horrible person. Possessive, jealous, selfish. Kendall spoiled me so much I couldn't live without him anymore. I had no idea how. I'd never lived a day without knowing Kendall was waiting for me at home, that he still wanted me and loved me and would take care of me when I needed it, except for those ten days after he kicked me out and right now, when I didn't know if Kendall would wake up.

I deserved every fucking minute of this.

I screamed out and felt some of the pain leaving my body. But when I was done the house sounded quieter than ever. I was even more tired now and wondered how I was going to sleep. When I was pregnant I could only ever sleep with Kendall's arms around me, when he was supporting my stomach and made me feel safe. The last month it had been a struggle to sleep, waking up every few hours or not falling asleep at all. In bed it was impossible to forget Kendall wasn't here.

I wanted so bad for him to appear at the top of the stairs, a worried expression on his face as he saw me sitting here on the floor. He would help me up and hug me tight, asking if I was okay. Then I would tell him about my wrist and he would take care of it, get some ice to reduce swelling and then wrap it up in a bandage. Maybe he would even run a bath for me and then cuddle with me in it. Then we would go to bed and he would sing to me quietly and I would fall asleep peacefully, resting warm and secure in his arms.

That would've happened on a normal day.

A day without cancer, a day with Ally here, a day without worries of Keira getting bullied. A day without being kidnapped by Jett, or fearing for Kegan's life as he was only just born. A day without med school and mama Knight and Katie hated me, a day without James and Carlos who are mad at me. Just a normal day, one that so far had only existed in my imagination.

I shivered and got up, realizing it wouldn't be good if I got a cold on top of a sprained wrist. I didn't want to risk Kenzie too. I had to keep her safe, it was the least I could do for Kendall until he woke up -if he woke up. Maybe I could sleep when I thought really hard of Kendall waking up tomorrow.

Kendall's smell was gone. The last month I'd been wearing his clothes that were in the hamper, the once that were used and smelled like him a bit still. But I'd worn them all by now, multiple times, and Kendall's smell was gone. From his clothes, from his side if the bed -I didn't have it in me to put clean sheets on the bed even though it started to stink-from the whole house. It was the only thing that made me able to imagine he was still here and now it was gone.

First I went into the bathroom and wrapped a bandage around my wrist for support. I had to go to Dr. Young tomorrow anyway, might as well let him take a look at this. He was going to do an internal examination, which was really uncomfortable, but usually Kendall was there to hold my hand. Now I had to do it on my own.

Once in bed I tried to find for a comfortable position. A pillow under my stomach and behind my back usually helped, but today it didn't. I couldn't find a good place to rest my wrist and I was too cold to fall asleep, my back hurt and Kenzie decided this was a great time to start kicking my bladder again, which didn't make this any easier.

What I would give for Kendall to be here right now. I would kill if I knew it would help him wake up.

I slipped into Kendall's room about half an hour before I had my appointment with Dr. Young. After a week, I stopped telling the staff on the IC I was here. They already knew I would come, I never skipped a day. I would stay here until Keira and Kegan got out of school at two and then go to there to see them, I stayed until mama Knight sent me away and depending on what time it was I went home or back to Kendall.

Keira was in first grade and learning how to read and write. It was such a major change, because suddenly it was a lot harder to keep certain things from her. She officially wasn't a small child anymore. She was now a big child and I knew for sure Kendall had wanted to see that change. To see her learn such important things.

Yesterday she wrote a letter to him, with help from her teacher, but she actually wrote a letter with three whole sentences. Keira said I couldn't read it, that I had to give it to papa so he could read it when he woke up, but I didn't have the strength and I read anyway. Those few lines told me more about what she felt then anything she'd ever said to me about her father being in a coma. I'd thought she didn't completely understand it, like Kegan, but I once again underestimated how sharp she was, how quickly she understood.

Dear papa,

I can write now. I am sad you are not here. Wake up soon.

Love, Keira.

Of course Kegan had wanted to write a letter too after Keira did it, but all he managed was to write his name multiple times, the 'e's' written the other way around. He'd drawn two people, one with blonde hair and one with brown hair, which I assumed were him and Kendall together, but halfway through he'd given up and started doing something else. Kegan wasn't really arts-y.

I kissed Kendall's forehead and sat in the chair next to his bed. Someone had changed the flowers on the table in the corner and the sheets on his bed were clean, but that was all that had changed since yesterday. Kendall still lied completely still on that bed, lifeless apart from the almost unnoticeable rising and falling of his chest.

I'd taken a new picture yesterday as well. One of Keira, Kegan and me together in 2J. I did that every day, so Kendall could see them when he woke up and he didn't have to miss anything. I'd also hidden a secret pictures in one of the picture frames, a picture I looked at when it almost got too much. It was an older pictures, not that old, but a year at least. It was just me and Kendall on it, taken from close-by by me. I remember how he'd stand behind me, his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. I was smiling brightly, while Kendall looked at me. It was a complete accident, but this was the only picture that captured the look Kendall had in his eyes when he looked at me. That one look just for me.

It helped me to remember what I was holding on for, what I was waiting for.

"Daddy!" Kegan cried when I stepped into 2J. He ran up to me and grabbed my leg. "I missed you."

I closed my eyes for a moment before sinking down to his level to give him a hug. Lifting him up to hug him just wasn't an option anymore. "I missed you too, Kegie."

He smiled at me cheerily and a moment later Keira was next to him, hugging me as well. "We missed you, daddy."

I kissed the top of her head and got up, taking their hands to pull them to the couch with me. "Papa, what's on your arm?" Keira asked curiously.

Oh, right. My cast. "I tripped yesterday, Keke, but I'm okay now."

"Did you break your arm like I did?"

"Yes."

"But it doesn't hurt anymore, yes?"

"It doesn't hurt anymore, baby."

"Can I write my name on it?"

"Sure, but let me get something to drink first, okay?"

They nodded and I went to the kitchen to get a drink, which was quite hard with one hand in a cast. Now I was away from my children I started thinking about Kendall again. It was impossible not to. I shook my head and quickly went back to my babies on the couch, they were the only persons that could distract me.

As soon as I sat down Keira and Kegan attacked my cast with colored pens. They told me what they did at school, what they learned and the new friends they made. I was glad to hear Keira found two other girls she liked, Lily and Cara, and she and Jenna made friends with them. Ally first went to school last week, to the same class Lizzy and Kegan were in. Kegan loved telling what the three of them did. He was really happy to have another friend and was really possessive of his two buddies.

But when I had been alone with my children for half an hour, I wondered where Jennifer was. Usually she was always here, watching her grandchildren like a hawk. I was getting mad, because obviously she wasn't even in the apartment, which meant she left my children here all alone.

I should just get up and take them home with me.

"Daddy, why can baby stay with you and we can't!" Kegan burst suddenly. "We were here first!"

"We want to go home too," Keira said quietly.

"Yeah!" Kegan said.

I was perplexed; how could they've known what I was thinking about? But when I stared at their little faces I realized this had been on their minds for a while now and they had definitely been talking about this together. I wished I could tell them how much I wanted to take them home with me. I got up and sat between my children on the bed. "But baby can't come out of me yet, babies. Baby's still too small."

"But we're small too, daddy," Kegan said softly, leaning into my side.

"I know, buddy," I mumbled and pulled him and Keira closer. "But you have to be big now, both of you."

"But we don't want to be big, we want to go with you," Kegan whispered.

I couldn't help the tear that escaped my eye then. Fortunately neither of my children was looking at my face, they were too busy crying themselves.

"It will be okay," I whispered to them. "You can come home with me soon, I'll make sure of it."

"And papa too?" Kegan asked quietly. "Papa has to go home too."

Kendall. We were back to Kendall. They wanted their papa back as much as I wanted him back. I pulled them closer to me, it took all my willpower to not start sobbing. Instead I told them another lie. "Papa will come home soon too, buddy. W-we'll all go home soon."

The door opened and mama Knight came in. I quickly wiped the tears of my cheeks to hide them for her, but I wasn't fast enough. The glare in my direction told me she'd seen them. "Hello Logan."

"Hey," I mumbled. Kegan pressed his face in my side and Keira put her arms tighter around my neck. Kenzie kicked me softly, probably a slap from her hand instead of her foot. I didn't want to leave any of them, they had to stay with me. I was going to try again today, I had to take them home with me. For Kendall. Kendall wouldn't want them to stay with his mother. Kendall wanted his children to stay with me.

"How are you?" She asked. It was just a formality. She didn't really care. I had no idea what happened to the sweet lady that was more like my mother then my own had ever been.

"I'm okay," I said quietly, not wanting to admit I rather wanted to die than spend one more second without Kendall when my children were in the same room.

Suicide had crossed my mind more than one time the past month. It was incredibly hard to keep on going without the person I did it all for, the biggest part of the reason why I wanted to live: the biggest part of the reason why I was still alive. But then I thought of my children and I knew I would never be able to kill myself. I didn't want them to be orphans. They had to have at least one of their parents with them, one father that loved them and took care of them.

I'd always hoped I would be the one to die first, that I would never have to know what it was like to raise our children alone. Kendall was so much stronger than I was, he would've been able to handle everything on his own. I needed him more than he needed me.

But here I was. Alone. With two children and one on the way. I couldn't do this without Kendall, I couldn't. But I couldn't leave my babies, Kendall didn't want me to. And I didn't want to.

Biting my lip I looked out of the window, away from mama Knight, who suddenly looked too much like her son. Why couldn't he be here now?

"I want to take them home," I said quietly. I was sitting at the kitchen table with Jennifer, after bringing my children to bed. I stayed longer in 2J today. Keira and Kegan needed me more than Kendall today and I had to make sure they were okay before I went back to Kendall. Kendall would never forgive me if I chose him over my children when they were this sad.

"I really don't think you are ready for that, honey," She said and covered my hand with her own. "I see you're still having a really hard time dealing with this all, children will not help you process it."

"I'll never stop having a hard time dealing with this," I said sharply. "I love Kendall, more than anything else in the world. You know what it's like to lose the person you loved most."

For a moment I something that matched pain on her face, but it was gone too fast to be sure. "That's right and back then I wished I had someone to take care of my children while I dealt with Kevin's death. Now I can do that for you."

"But Kendall isn't dead and I need my children to distract me. And they need me. Don't you see how much they want to go home?"

"Nonsense. They were fine before you got here, playing and laughing together. As soon as you got here they were reminded of... what they had before."

"What are you saying?"

"Maybe it's better... if you give them a little bit of space. Some time to get used to their new situation. They remember everything that's going on the moment you walk in that door."

"No. I'll not stay away. They want to come home, they told me so myself. They miss me, they miss Kendall and what they need is to go on as normal as possible without Kendall. It's not better for them when they stay here."

"I'm not talking about what's better for them, we're talking about what is better for you. You have one arm in a cast, you are emotionally very unstable and you're pregnant, for heaven's sake! You can't take care of two young children!"

"I'm sick of everyone using my pregnancy as an excuse to take decisions for me! You, Kendall, James, Carlos! I'm having a baby, I'm not crazy! This whole situation is bad for me, to have my children with me or not with me is not going to make a difference for me, it'll only be better for them! They need me, who else do they have now?"

"They have loads of people who love them, Logan. You really don't have to do this on your own, honey."

And that's how she once again won me over. I was still allowed to visit my children, but now only every other way. My attempt to get my children home only brought me further away from them. During the ride back home I couldn't keep my tears at bay and got loads of weird looks from people who stood next to me at the traffic lights.

The pain was almost unbearable. I only wanted to have my family back, nothing more. Everyone had a family, but mine had fallen to pieces. And I had no parents to fall back on. My children were with my mother in law, my husband was in a coma and I was home alone with a baby that wasn't even born yet.

I wished I had a way to forget for a while, only for a few minutes. Just a few moments I could forget about Kendall, forget about my hurting babies, forget I was so alone...

And then it hit me.

As soon as I was home, I walked to the bathroom and reached into the cabinet, searching for that one thing that was so familiar, something I saw Kendall use at least every other day. It seemed fitting I would use his for what I was going to do. Kendall had always relieved my pain and now he would do so once again.

I forgot as soon as the searing pain of the cut ran through my body.