Chapter 26 A Mountain Out of a Mole Hill

Janine struggled through the back door, her hands full of plastic bags full of food and tucked under her arm a packet of nappies. "What about that lovely one? Matt?" she asked as she dumped the heavy bags on the bench top.

Jennifer began taking things out of them as her mother stood back, waiting for an answer.

"What about him?" she asked, not taking much notice as she stacked things into the refridgerator.

"He seems very nice," Janine smiled, trying, for Jennifer's sake, to forget how Nick had always been even nicer.

Jennifer caught on pretty fast after that comment. She straightened back up and looked her mother square in the eye. "He is Mum," she replied. "Really lovely. But I just can't. I still love Nick too much."

"Who said anything about love?"

Jennifer ignored the comment. "Matt's more of a best friend anyway. If I tried to love someone else I think it'd just be half-arsed, and that's not fair on Matt."

Janine sighed. She only wanted the best for Jennifer. "Well you should spend more time with him anyway, even if it's just as best friends."

Jennifer rolled her eyes, annoyed yet at the same time heartbroken, knowing she wouldn't need to do such a thing if only she still had Nick around.

September 28, 2013

Our little Christmas baby is one year old. How did this happen Nick? How has time gone so quickly? How did my life change so drastically so fast? One moment you were there, kissing me good morning and the next you were slipping away in that dreadfully small hospital bed. And I never got you back. I truly can't understand it most days. How could it happen? How how how! When you were RIGHT there and then suddenly I couldn't have you anymore? Nothing will ever be worse.

But oh Nick. You'd be so stoked if you were here today. Your daughter is beautiful. Just beautiful. She is the brightest little ray of sunshine, just like you used to call her. She keeps me going, everyday. I wish so much that you were here to see her grow up. You both deserved that.

Today she giggled and bubbled her way through her birthday party. I could tell she was having a great time. And she was surrounded by all our closest family and friends, and they all couldn't stop mentioning how much she looked like you. We're so lucky to know so many great people, and have so many people care about us. They take care of me Nick, and of Beauty, and they've been a tremendous help in the time you've been gone.

I know I should be grateful. And I am.

But I still wish you were here and we were celebrating this birthday together. As a family. Where you would hang up a piñata and I would bake a cake. And then on future birthdays you would build a cubby, then teach her to ride a bike, surprise her with a pet, buy her her first special piece of jewellery. It's amazing how I can picture it all so clearly in my head – I knew exactly how perfect our life would be the day I married you Nick, and everyday I still imagine it and long for life to be that way. Because just me and Elise…sometimes that doesn't seem like much of a family. It should be three of us, not just two.

Because you should be here with us. You only died because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because some callous extremists decided to kill innocent people to make their point. It was not how you were supposed to go.

She's the voice I love to hear

Someday when I'm ninety

She's that wooden rocking chair

I want rocking right beside me

Everyday that passes I only love her more

She's the one I'd lay down my own life for

Jennifer gathered up the paper plates from the tables and chairs scattered over the veranda and walked with them inside. Matt followed her in, carrying the remains of the birthday cake. It had been a long and loud afternoon, and they went about cleaning up the mess from it quietly. Both were tired, even though plenty of people still remained in the house, helping to clean up in a similar fashion. But they bustled in and out and Jennifer and Matt found themselves alone at the sink, washing dishes silently.

"Hey Jen," he began timidly, so unsure of the appropriateness of what he was about to ask her.

She looked up from the suds in front of her and over at him, tea towel in hand. "Yeah?"

Matt studied her for a moment before he spoke. She looked beautiful, as always. That seemed to be the only word his mind ever threw up to describe her. But that was what she was. For a mother of a one year old she was looking damn good in her jeans and black ballerina wrap around top. She set it off with red flats and a skinny red belt and her hair was out and just skimmed her shoulders in length. She still had the look of detective about her – but now it was just slightly tinged with the motherly look. He liked that she still looked like a cop. The cop was the Jennifer he knew best.

"I've finally finished the reno's on my kitchen," he began weakly. She smiled at him. "And I wanted to invite you over for a meal, to christen it, you know."

He asked her so politely, so shyly, that she had to say yes, despite her reservations about the whole idea.