Hello dear readers, here's the long awaited update. I do apologize for the long, LONG wait, but hopefully the next update won't take as long. As some of you may know, life has a tendency to get in the way and distract from the things we love to do, especially for me and my beta. So hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think of this chapter. xo
Chapter 26: Countdown
Tuesday Night
7:41 P.M.
Cotton lands on the window like a speckle of snow as the streaming glare of sundown pokes in between the white spindles like a new dawn.
Wind whistles through the crack in the door, but a gentle calm overtakes the atmosphere amidst the chaos roaming around inside his mind.
He feels the orange and gold rays seep into his skin as he stares straight ahead, his eyes focused on the white siding of the house.
If he could describe a time when one experiences being stuck between two realities, two universes yet still being in the moment, he'd rationalize that's what he's experiencing now.
He had just finished speaking a sentence during his conversation with Olivia on the floor of the barren room when his cell phone rang shrilly amid the serenity of the moment at about a quarter till seven.
It had been Kathy.
With the simple melody of her voice had come the confirmation of the alternate realities passing through him at once.
He hadn't been able to concentrate fully on her voice, Olivia's words from minutes before were resounding too loudly in his brain. He had established though, from the bits and pieces he'd caught while she'd been talking, that her flight was set to leave at 9:35 p.m. that night and... his oldest daughter was coming as well.
Maureen had decided last minute that she'd help Kathy with Eli and have her boyfriend drive them all to the airport. She'd booked her own seat and would be able to catch the same flight.
Elliot hadn't been planning on the extra person but he is looking forward to seeing his oldest as well as his youngest.
He's now sitting in his rental ruminating over the events of the past week or so, taking in all the changes and emotions and conflicts that have gone on between he and Olivia and what's to come and quickly, the phone call becomes lost in the torrent of thoughts inside his mind .
He tries hard to believe that the hardest part will soon be past them, but in the end, he's worried.
He's worried how it will go and how Olivia, his kids and even Kathy will see him afterwards. If Olivia'll believe him concerning what he's said about Kathy, Maureen, and Eli's trip here and that the trip itself will bear out the truth of his words. If so, he'll grant himself that chance to breathe in the deep South Dakota air in relief.
He also wonders if her initial wall and shield of Dominick around will rear its ugly head again.
He honestly at this point, wouldn't blame her if it did. He's pretty sure she knows where he stands with her, it's her doubt in Kathy and her uncertainty about where he stands with his future ex-wife that drapes itself across her skin when he watches her.
And her words from earlier, words of uncertainty about her own life, her own mortality, her own future, sets him back emotionally.
Olivia also wonders if he'd go back unflinchingly to his family if she were no longer an obstacle in his life.
That's how she sees herself and it creates a pain so deeply inside of him, he gasps for air.
The crimson pinks and purples filling the sky as the sun nears the horizon fill his chest and pour out of his lungs as he inhales and exhales in tune with the swaying breeze.
Her words had hit him hard, though he'd done everything he could not to show it. He's already laid his emotions on the table in front of her since he's been here and he's regretfully shown his ass as well. They both have.
They've both been unable to completely mask their insecurities.
After she'd told him what her plans were for the baby's room, he'd mentally stored it all. Though she doesn't want it done now, he now makes a silent promise to her to get everything she needs so she'll have it anyways, he'll just keep it in the car along with the gifts he got for her and the baby while he'd been in town earlier.
He'd wanted to give the sapphire pendant necklace to her as soon as possible but now that he knows about her deepest fears regarding the pregnancy, he thinks he'll just keep her and Anabel's matching set in the car too.
He had told her minutes after hanging up the phone with his wife that he needed to go get some fresh air and now here he sits, in his car, the ignition still warm from the trip into town, while she sits inside on her living room sofa likely wondering if she had spilled too much of an emotional burden on him.
He knows her too well to not know that's exactly what she's thinking.
Too well to not have a peace offering after being gone for almost a half hour while only telling her he was stepping outside for some fresh air.
That's why he's holding a bag of subs from a little hole in the wall a ways down the road and he grins to himself as he opens the car door and slides out, knowing she's hungry.
When he enters the house a few moments later though, he notes how dark it is inside.
The only exception is the soft faded yellow glow coming from his right through the living room doorway where he'd left her watching television earlier.
He walks slowly, timidly, wondering if she got tired and fell alseep with the television playing softly in the background.
But he's quickly reassured of her wakened state when he turns the corner and finds the television is completely black with the soft glow he saw earlier coming from an assortment of small candles sitting on the glass coffee table.
"Liv," he calls out calmly. She doesn't answer right away but after a second she comes padding out of the kitchen with empty wine glasses in her hands and a soft, kindred smile on her lips.
"Right here," she reassures him with a saunter he's never really seen from her before. "I've had wine stashed up for awile. I figured you'd might want some tonight. What's that?" she nods toward the white bag in his hand.
"Food."
"Ah," she nods, as she side steps him into the living room. "I am starting to get hungry. But you know, I bought all this food in my fridge. You didn't have to bring any."
He mentally slaps his forehead for not even thinking but tries to mask his own thoughlessness. "Shit. I didn't even think about that. I was in town so thought I'd just grab us a quick dinner."
She sits down on the sofa and places the two wine glasses next to a bottle of ale and another full of red wine.
"It's okay, El. I've also got other drinks in the refrigerator is wine isn't what you want."
"Nah, it's fine," he breathes out as he walks into the dimly lit living room. He's still a little surprised by the setup but he's not complaining.
It's enticing being alone with Olivia where candles are involved, he's so enthralled he can't help but voice his appreciation.
"I like the candles. Apple-cinnamon?"
She smiles as she pulls off the label on one of the bottles and nods. "Yeah, I've been on a candle binge. I looked all over the place tonight for all the ones I had here. And plus, apple pie sounds appetizing, maybe that's why I bought an actual one at the grocery store ," she shrugs as she pours them both a drink.
He smiles and sits the bag of food on the table in front of her. "I'm gonna go wash my hands first. Start without me."
"Oh I will. I don't think someone is liking this wait," she retorts briefly glancing down at her middle.
Her soft chuckle follows him down the hallway and he grins to himself, feeling lighter than earlier.
It hits him as he enters the kitchen that it's not only he and Olivia who are on borrowed time at the moment, the three of them are on the clock now as he catches the time on the microwave as it changes.
. . .
8:20 p.m.
"In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours."
"I don't know."
"Mark Twain."
"Hmm... I was never much of a Lit student in school. I think I might have read Huck Finn but that's pushing it. I was a more "hands on" student."
"You sure? I can see the highschool you, running down a football field and catching a pass then sitting on the bench to read a page of your lit homework."
His lips curve to the side at the image and it almost enlightening to hear this interpretation of himself despite how inaccurate it is.
"Liv, we've known each other over twelve years now, you know me better than that plus I'm pretty sure my hand-coordination was never that good. Gun handling yeah, book handling...eh," he laughs lightheartedly as he grasps the thin handle of the wine glass perched in front of him.
With a tilt of her chin, she looks at him with a cozy smile. Resting her wine glass full of ginger ale on the glass table, she stretches against the couch, her legs resting cozily across his lap as he leans side ways into her space.
Shortly after they'd eaten dinner, he'd quietly gotten up from the floor from where he'd been sitting across from her as she sat on the soft cushions of the couch and he'd silently sat next to her, gently pulling her next to him.
Before long he had them both in their current position.
She's laying comfortably on her back watching the flickering light of the flame inside a small candle when she feels his warm palm touch the inside of her ankle. Closing her eyes, she revels in the feeling of his touch and lets her mind clear.
"2008," she suddenly whispers before she realizes it.
"Hmm?" he asks huskily as he continues to move his hands soothingly across the swollen joints.
"You said we've known each other for over twelve years," she mutters and he doesn't bat a lash, moving his fingers up her right shin.
"Right. We met in '99, and it's pushing the Fall of 2011," he murmurs with a tilt of his head as his hands move up her shins slightly.
"It is," she agrees hoarsely as her eyes slip closed. "But sometimes late at night, I remember that three year gap and I can't help but feel like I severed our tie, our record," she says sadly, not intending to go down this path of conversation but seeing no escape now that they'd be facing reality in a few short hours.
He stops briefly, and looks at her, really looks at her before licking his lips and grabbing her foot again to massage the tender muscles, "You didn't sever anything. If anything, those three years made me find myself and in the end, they allowed me to find you."
She laughs softly at his acceptance, even when she'd made it difficult for him. "That's a way to look at things, Elliot. I'm liking this. I'm more than moved by you seeing it that way rather than me abandoning everyone and making it hard as hell to find me," she replies somberly.
"But I did find you," he states simply.
"You did," she nods. "You did and my life has been better ever since, never forget that," she says in an quiet tone.
He's silent for a few moments, his hands still on her skin but his eyes focus completely on the coffee table. His breathing visibly alters and she wonders if she's delved too much into the hole in their history at this pivitol point in their budding relationship.
Her thoughts are seemingly confirmed when he reaches over her and grasps her hand, effectively pulling her to a sitting position so he can look her in the eyes, but instead of condemnation, she can only hear awe.
"God, Olivia," he breathes into her ear. "You were living in shade of Evergreens, and smiling into the sunlight everyday and you gave me the chance to step into your life and disrupt your effortless breeze and Jesus, I don't deserve it. I've brought my problems into your paradise and you haven't kicked me out. I don't know why you accept me but Liv, it's everything."
Her heart clenches beneath her gown and and she feels the baby move around inside of her as the emotion from his affection flows between them. He's right.
That's why she knows fate or divine intervention or whatever they call it, had something to do with him searching for her and keeping her from self destructing when she had a child to protect.
She'd admitted to herself right before she left SVU, what he meant to her, and then him flying thousands of miles to her years later when she needed him most had confirmed everything she believed about him to her.
She wraps her arm around his neck and rests her head against his closest shoulder, breathing him in, taking in the stillness around them.
"This was a gamble. A gamble that paid off. I don't fault you for having problems because that's exactly why I needed the change at the time. I take on yours with mine in stride because you're all I know, El. I can't build my walls up around you anymore because there's no reason to now. We're running on the same fault line and taking on the trembling as one person. No one should have to feel lonely in a room full of people when there's someone ready and willing to do it with you, someone meant to do it with you."
Elliot rests his head against the side of hers as he holds her around her middle in a loose grip. He just breathes against her forehead and long moments pass. She closes her own eyes, feeling as if this is where they need to be if they're going to get past the next few days. Her insecurities slowly flit away into the darkness and evaporate into the flames of the candles in the room.
"I'm trying not to be afraid of what the next hours will bring, and I do know I'm not as scared as I was before. I don't want to be the one who runs off when people get too close and you're a reason why I don't want to."
She feels him take a deep breath and then the warmth of his soft lips as they press into her forehead again. It's a simple touch yet so full of contentment. His body soon relaxes beneath her, his hands clasp at her hip bones while her hands stay comfortably tucked around his warm neck.
From her vantage point, she watches his neck bob up and down as he swallows, her head simply too relaxed on his shoulder to move. She watches as his eyes slip closed and he lets the back of his head drop to the cushion behind him.
"As long as the heart beats, as long as body and soul keep together, I cannot admit that any creature endowed with a will has need to despair of life."
Her voice echoes briefly in the quiet room as candle glow dances across the walls and the blackness surrounding them covers them like a blanket.
He surprises her when one of his hands leave her hip and travel down her thigh. He stops just above her knee before looking up and catching her watching him with hooded eyes.
"Jules Verne. Journey to the Center of the Earth," he says effortlessly, knowingly.
She raises her eyes again, quirking an eyebrow before noting the smirk on his lips.
An answering smirk appears on her own lips before she lifts up her right palm and gently grazes his cheek before giving him a few pats in envy.
"Someone's literary professor mother would be very, very proud."
He laughs softly before adjusting his back against the sofa and catching her gaze again, her legs slipping from his lap but her body still easily filling the space beside him.
"It's actually one of the few books I did read, and enjoyed. My mom actually had a copy on her shelf and I'd actually take it to school with me. She never noticed."
She smiles at his mention of his own mother, Bernadette. He'd admitted to distancing himself from her in later years, but to hear him mention her fondly in distant memories is something new, something endearing and something she would have loved to have seen, an Elliot before ... everything went to hell.
"It's a great story. I was more into the George Orwell-esque stories but then again, I hated anything that resembled reality."
"Uh," he draws out shaking his head, "now you're getting into uncharted territory again," he grins as he turns his head toward her sheepishly.
"Come on," she engages him halfheartedly. "You know, Orwell, 1984? Big brother is watching?"
"Now you're sounding like Munch."
She laughs louder this time, giving his shoulder a light slap before leaning back down and resting her head on the back of the sofa next to his.
"Don't insult John when he can't defend himself."
"Insult, no. Observation, yes," he grates lowly, humorously.
Their short conversation comes to an ebb as their words waft around them and the only sound is their breathing. She finds herself fingering the fine hair around the nape of his neck and it's a comfortable silence. Moments pass before she watches his expression as something clicks in his mind.
"Liv, your mom drank, I know that, and I know things that ... but I always wondered what you did to escape from that reality. I never knew an effective way to blank out the conversations and fights between my mom and Joe. Or even the abuse."
She quickly realizes where his mind had briefly gone to.
His fingertips graze her outer shin and a tiny row of goosebumps file along her long tan leg. She tries thinking of what to say but finds it difficult with the way he's touching her and confiding in her at the same time.
She clears her throat.
"I kept a journal. I kept my distance. Loved her anyway. Even when it was hard to. I would try to hide behind a facade but really, reality was too close for me to be able get lost for too long because then she'd be waiting at the end to reprimand me and tell me all my mistakes. Even when I got..." she trails off... feeling startled by the unexpected revelation she'd just about blurted out to him.
He doesn't say anything immediately, but soon Elliot turns his head toward her and she realizes she's staring into space not having expected to get this deep today. She runs her tongue along the bottom of her lip before taking a deep breath, wondering if she has any idea of what her life consisted of before she met him.
"Liv?" he questions tentatively.
"Yeah," she breathes out in a rush air she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "I'm sorry. It's just... remembering all the things that've happened in my life and to be able to sit here and tell them to you is a victory in itself. I have so much to tell you, Elliot. I have so much," she hesitates feeling a trembling in her chest as a sob slowly starts to build. She holds it back but Elliot steps in anyway.
"It's okay," he breathes into her neck and readjusts his arm around her middle. "I'm not worried about it and neither should you. It's our last hours to ourselves for awhile, positivity is key," he smirks.
A chortle vibrates inside of her chest and she glances at his face before sitting up slightly. "If that's the answer to all the world's problems, then how the hell has it taken this long to get to this place between us?"
"And, there is the smartass I love."
She laughs loudly at this and it echoes throughout the room as a heavy weight lifts from her shoulders once more. She reaches for the wine glass next to them on the table and takes a swig of ginger ale before placing the bottom ontop of his chest.
"I love you," she breathes out freely, underestimating the intensity of how it feels coming from her mouth.
He simply turns his eyes toward her and they lock onto hers before he leans in and kisses her temple, catching the wine glass in his hand and taking a sip from it.
. . .
"I know I haven't mentioned it much since I got back, but... their flight'll be here early in the morning. I'll go by the airport to pick them up, did you want to come?" he asks timidly.
She thinks about it for a few moments and the thought of their serenity, peacefullness and calm being interrupted does her no favors so she takes his hand and pulls it across his chest to her own.
"I'm not... I uh," she stutters not knowing how to cross the bridge hypothetically, let alone physically. "Let's just see what the hours bring. I'm counting them down already. I want to spend time trying not to worry about anything else other than how to outsmart you," she teases, deflecting from the sincerity in his voice.
"You don't have much work to do then," he replies, gazing at her slowly and methodically, taking her in and she feels it deeply as the dark surrounding them.
She lets his hand go and it slowly glides down her front, down her rounded stomach and to her upper thighs.
"It's pushing ten o'clock," she whispers.
"I know," he answers somberly as he rubs his outstretched palm against her upper leg, his warmth seeping through the light material of her gown. "I've never dreaded another hour starting until now."
A silence overtakes them once more, and she finds herself adjusting her weight before inching closer into him. She finally lays still as he lets his hand roam across the exposed skin of her upper thighs.
She watches the digital clock on the shelve near the television, the light green numbers daring her, taunting her with a countdown.
Her own voice surprises her.
"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
Elliot stops completely, and she realizes she's confused him this time, that he doesn't know if she's quoting a literary piece or admitting something entirely of her own.
Instead of answering him immediately, she watches him for a few moments. Sensing her eyes on him, he raises his gaze to hers, and that's when she aknoweledges the growing curiosity in his profound eyes.
"Alice in Wonderland."
He's silent for a few moments, seemingly lost before a mischiveous grins takes shape on his lips.
"Olivia?" he asks.
"What?"
"Don't move."
. . .
11:38 P.M.
Beneath heavy eyelids, she slides her hand beneath the wrinkles in the sheets for the growing mound beneath them. Her bare skin tingles as the cool breeze slips inside the gap in the fabric she's made and wraps itself around her. Her breasts ache and the chill peaks her exposed nipples and she inwardly groans from the active movements inside her stomach.
She gasps when his mouth presses into the heated flesh of her lower stomach. Her eyes shoot open, and her breath escalates as his lips fit pefectly into the crevices between her thighs.
Olivia looks at the blinking clock next to her bed, finding it's becoming an annoying habit since earlier that day. The midnight hours slowly approach and once again she finds her mind whirring with images and visuals that never seem to stop.
He's below her, their bodies sinking into the plush white cushions. Her knees dip into the softness and grant her that pivotal angle in which their bodies can align. His thighs press into her behind and she gasps when he pulls her forward by the hips, causing her elbows to shake and fingers to dig into his chest where they're planted.
In eight hours, he'll be an hour and half away in Watertown.
She glances at the ceiling, holding in her breath, and suddenly she feels the subtle pounding of her heart. It relaxes her and she takes that moment to reach down and bring the light sheet over her skin and exposed chest.
Running her hands back down her body, she lets her hands glide down her tender breasts and then down to her stomach again. Her daughter's been mostly quiet most of the night but she's been a little more active since they came upstairs.
He picks her up at the end of her bed and her legs wrap around his waist as he sits down on the edge. His arms are secured around her tightly and his mouth runs along her neck in slow, assured touches and caresses. With one hand on her lower back, he uses the other to lift her gown above her abdomen and gently guide her onto him again.
His eyes close and she sighs as he fills her. Her knees ache but the ache inside of her overtakes them both and she's floundering on the edge of consciousness and euphoria as she pushes herself against him again.
Elliot doesn't breathe a word, he simply runs his hands up and down her back letting her establish their rhythm, set their pace and lead the way as he's always done.
He breathes quitely beside her in slumber but she still feels him all over her and with that, her eyes slip closed to the gentle thump against the palm of her hand.
...
tbc.