So time for another chapter, thank you to gypsy rosalie and LoveHorse101 for their kind reviews.

Chapter 26

How on earth did I get here? Alex wondered. I was meant to be getting better. She didn't feel better though. She felt as though her heart had been ripped out of her chest; that everything had been taken from her. What is there left to do when you feel so low? What is left when you feel as though the sky has fallen and is now smothering you?

The questions kept repeating themselves over and over in Alex's mind; haunting her, mocking her, tormenting her very soul. They dragged up every memory of inadequacy, every heartache, every time she had hated herself. And oh, how much fodder they had; the stream of bullets was endless. It was humbling to see her life laid out like that. To have it poked and prodded by the negative voice in her head; to have all of her flaws, all of her mistakes pointed out and highlighted in excruciating detail.

Here she was, standing on the edge of the world and when it came to weighing up the pros and cons of staying alive, there were simply a lot more cons than there were pros. Alex felt so invisible, a part of her seriously doubted that anyone would ever notice that she was gone. Life would go on, the world would keep on spinning, and no one would even know the name Alex Dunphy. And why should they? She had pushed them away hadn't she? She hadn't allowed people to get close enough to care if she simply ceased to exist tomorrow.

I'm just so sick of feeling this way. When I have everything that should make me happy I'm so sick of feeling so low. I have a loving family, an education, a bright future. Her perceived selfishness made her hate herself even more. What business did she have feeling empty when she was happy? Even when everything was going right, she no longer had the energy to muster even a fake smile. She wanted nothing else but to spread positivity, to make sure that no one felt the way that she did but she couldn't even save herself from the negativity which spread through her brain like a cancer. It blotted out her very vision, refusing her recovery, making her see the world through its dark tint.

I have plenty of reasons to keep on fighting - in fact I have four living under the same roof as me, but I honestly don't know if I can muster the energy to get out of bed and continue to drag myself around for one more day. I'm so tired of feeling this way, I'm so tired of trying to think positively, I'm so tired of life! Alex looked over the edge again, staring down at the rocks, imagining her body breaking against them. But death is so final. I'm running into the Hamlet conundrum; how can I know what death will bring? What if I'm reincarnated and have to live through this all over again? What if I'm left as a mind, floating through space with nothing to do but think? I already do way too much of that as it is. What if I am sent to hell for taking my own life? I've already suffered enough torment in this life.

'It makes us rather bare the ills we have than fly to others we know not of,' Alex mused. Still her chest heaved as she thought of all the ills she had borne and her fingers tingled for something more. Why didn't she feel like enough? Like she had given enough? Done enough? Received enough?

'It's not fair,' she said quietly, hugging her knees to her chest. 'It's not fair that I have to feel this way, that anyone should ever feel this way.' A single tear tracked its way down her cheek, soothing her skin with a loving hand. More joined in the comforting efforts, Alex would need a whole army and they were gathering.

'How can anyone come back from this?' She spoke aloud to the clearing, to the air, to the insects, she didn't know, but a part of her wished that someone would answer. She was so used to having all the answers, but at this moment she had none. All that remained were questions. And feelings. Oh so many feelings.

She wanted so desperately to be better, with every fibre of her being she longed to not be sitting here, to have never gotten to this point. Alex simply didn't know what to do, what she wanted in life. She couldn't even decide if she wanted to go on living, and so she sat. Her companions were the wind, the cliff, and her depression.

'Maybe if I tell myself enough that I want to live,' she hoped. 'Maybe if I tell myself enough someday I will believe it.' And until then? A voice in her head queried. What are you going to do until then? Just sit here? 'Maybe,' oh gosh she was crazy now; it had gotten to that point; she was actually answering the voices in her head. 'Maybe I don't want your negativity in my life anymore.' There was no reply from the negativity. It was lost for words; she could only dare to hope.

She could hear the stream, trickling in the distance. Her smile was wistful as she thought how easy it would be to follow the same path that had been cut out for you by billions, trillions before you. How easy would it be to have one goal, and have the land yield to you, to have brothers and sisters behind you, pushing you onwards. But isn't that the whole issue? Don't you want to escape the path that has been inscribed by society? Don't you want to find a new course, run away from the body of water and create your own? It was becoming hard to argue with the voice when there was so much truth to what it said. Why wouldn't there be? After all it had been stalking her, observing her weaknesses for so long. And she had embraced it, let it in; it was now part of her.

Alex didn't know how to get herself out of this mess. Why had it gotten this far? How does one get back from the brink of insanity...no she had already been there for a while...how does one get back from the brink of death? Even if she could muster the energy to get up and walk away, would she have the energy for the next day, or the day after that? For how long would she have to be careful not to slip in her attentions, to always be alert lest the depression regrouped and came for round two? A part of her simply wanted someone to take her into their arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay, that she would be better one day.

Wetness touched her cheek, but she paid no attention, so used was she to her tears' kisses. However the kisses soon became sloppy and she raised her face to see the very heavens shedding tears for her plight. Great, now I've become a cliché she groaned. And still she sat, though her clothes became as heavy with water as her mind was with thoughts. Still she stared pensively into the rocks at the bottom of the cliff.

I still can't quite get her off the cliff... I guess you'll just have to wait for the next chapter...

Make sure you follow as I'm going to be travelling a lot next week and I'm not sure when I'll have time and/or internet access.

-S