Disclaimer: This story is not mine and neither is Glee.
Rachel continued to sob into Santana's arms, her whole body shaking violently, her breaths tortured as her lungs fought for air, her chest going into paroxysmal spasms.
"Please don't cry," Santana told Rachel sadly, kissing her gently on the top of the head.
She brushed Rachel's hair out of her eyes, tucking it carefully behind her ear securely. Santana's eyes were wet with her own tears which were falling freely as she listened to the agonizing sound of Rachel crying into her, muttering quiet pleas for Santana to, 'make it stop.'
"Please Rach," Santana implored. "Please don't cry…"
Santana felt a hand on her shoulder and turned, just in time to see Miss Holliday crouch down beside her.
"Rachel," Miss Holliday said her voice calm and composed. She was studying Rachel closely a sad expression on her face. "Rachel," Miss Holliday repeated, placing a hand on Rachel's back and rubbing it soothingly. "Hey," Miss Holliday said as Rachel turned her head slightly to look at whoever was addressing her. "It's Miss Holliday," the teacher informed her evenly, pausing to allow Rachel to register the truth to her words. "I need you to come with me," Miss Holliday said, her tone relaxed. "Do you think you can do that?" she asked.
Santana watched Rachel carefully for a response, observing her swollen eyes, her tear streaked cheeks, her flushed complexion. Rachel's skin felt warm to touch and Santana noted that her nosebleed had now slowed; blood visible in an obvious trail from her nostril to her chin. Rachel looked at Miss Holliday, her eyelids low and her pupils sluggish, as though she wasn't quite aware of what was happening around her.
"Rachel?" Miss Holliday repeated kindly, brushing Rachel's cheek with her fingertips gently. "I really need you to come with me now." She reiterated. "Is that ok?"
Rachel's chest was still heaving, her sobs finally dying down when Santana felt her nod her head in response to Miss Holliday's question.
"Ok," Miss Holliday said, placing her hand on to Rachel's shoulder. "Ok, good." She said gently, turning her head towards Santana and silently instructing her to release her hold on Rachel.
Santana relaxed her grip on her girlfriend's small form reluctantly, separating them a little bit so that Miss Holliday could take both of Rachel's shoulders in her hands. Slowly, Miss Holliday guided Rachel up on to her feet and Santana followed suit, standing up opposite them. She watched as Miss Holliday put one arm around Rachel's shoulders comfortingly and out of some kind of primitive reflex, Rachel turned her face to bury it against Miss Holliday's chest, her knees almost giving out as her body threatened to buckle beneath her again. Miss Holliday wrapped her other arm around Rachel's torso to support her and turned her attention back to Santana who felt like she was watching the scene before her rather than being an active participant.
"Can you collect her things?" Miss Holliday asked Santana quietly.
Santana nodded in the affirmative, stepping over to the table to pick up both hers and Rachel's belongings as Miss Holliday lead the fragile brunette through the cafeteria and out in to the hallway.
Santana made a move to follow her and came face to face with Tina who had an uneasy expression on her face.
"Can you call me later?" Tina asked Santana desperately, her tone etched with worry.
"You're not coming too?" Santana questioned back.
Tina turned to look at Rachel who was still wrapped up in Miss Holliday's arms as they disappeared out in to the hallway.
"No," Tina said sadly, her attention once again on Santana. "I don't think that'd be a good idea."
Santana saw Quinn come up alongside Tina and link their arms together whilst Brittany approached from Tina's other side and started rubbing her free arm supportively.
"Are you sure?" Santana asked her, throwing a quick glance towards the door, eager to catch up with Miss Holliday and Rachel.
"Yeah," Tina said sadly, her eyes glistening with the threat of tears. "You should go."
"Ok," Santana replied. "I'll call you I promise," she told her sincerely.
Tina nodded in acknowledgement before Santana made a beeline for the door to chase after Rachel and Miss Holliday. She caught up to them a little way down the corridor and followed Miss Holliday as she led Rachel to the school nurses office. Miss Holliday guided Rachel into a vacant chair before disappearing to talk to the school nurse for a moment and Santana sat beside her girlfriend whilst they waited for her to reappear.
Santana dropped the assortment of bags in her hands on the floor at her feet before reaching one arm round Rachel's neck and holding onto her shoulder tightly. She pulled Rachel, who was now staring in to space, her tears having finally ceased, into her side and kissed her on the head lightly, her free hand reaching for Rachel's left. She picked up Rachel's fingers in her own, playing with them mindlessly as she always did, finding the familiarity of the gesture comforting amidst everything that was going on.
Miss Holliday appeared a few moments later with a damp cloth in her hands and crouched in front of Santana and Rachel, studying the smaller girl closely, her brow furrowing in concern.
"Rachel," Miss Holliday said in that same friendly tone of hers. "I'm just going to clean you up a bit alright?" she asked.
Rachel didn't respond and Santana squeezed her shoulder slightly. Rachel looked up at Santana who tried to smile at her encouragingly.
"Rach?" Santana asked carefully. "Is that ok?"
Rachel looked puzzled for a moment before turning her attention to Miss Holliday who held up the cloth in her hands as if in explanation. Rachel made no sound or gesture to protest, so Miss Holliday placed the cloth against the skin beneath the youngsters' nose and held it there for a moment before gently wiping at the quickly drying blood.
Rachel bought her head back a little at the moment, surprised, a curious look on her face as she dipped her chin slightly to look at the cloth, her hand reaching up as if to take it.
"Do you think you can do it?" Miss Holliday asked her, holding the cloth out patiently.
Rachel took the cloth and held it in her hand for a moment, studying the small red stain which soiled the otherwise white flannel. As if finally realizing what had happened, Rachel reached the hand that Santana was playing with up to her nose, Santana releasing it to allow her to touch the side of her index finger to her nose. She held it there for barely an instant before lowering it again to look at the faint red mark which had transferred across on to her skin.
"Shhhhiiitt." Rachel drawled as she lifted the cloth to her upper lip and began to rub at it lightly.
Rachel had managed to clear most of her face when she lowered it again, but had missed her chin completely, so Santana took the cloth from her grasp and carefully cleaned the blood which was currently sullying her otherwise perfect features.
"There," Santana said when she'd finished. She handed the cloth back to the already outstretched hand of Miss Holliday who received it without hesitation.
"Rachel," Miss Holliday started her voice caring. "The nurse has called your dad. He's going to come and get you alright?"
Rachel nodded her head, not saying anything and Santana wasn't sure if she was mute or just too disorientated to really understand what was happening.
"Do you remember what happened?" Miss Holliday probed softly; keen to understand Rachel's perception.
Rachel turned her head to look up at Santana who lifted one side of her mouth in a smile.
"I…ugh," Rachel said, squinting her eyes together and dropping her head. She reached her right hand up to her forehead and massaged her brow roughly as though trying to will the memory back into her consciousness.
"That's ok," Miss Holliday said, placing a hand on Rachel's knee to stop her from dwelling on it.
The words seemed to strike a chord with Rachel though because she lifted her gaze from the floor to look at the teacher, her eyes darting from side to side as if she recollecting the events that had just happened.
"It's not…" Rachel said and tears appeared in the corners of her eyes again as she turned to look at Santana. "I'm sorry…" she sobbed remembering. "I'm sorry…God, I didn't…you shouldn't…"
"Shh…" Santana soothed, pulling Rachel into her side again and kissing her brow softly with her lips. "You don't need to apologize. It's fine."
"I'm sorry," Rachel apologized again, reaching the heel of her hand up to her head and pressing it against her temple firmly.
Rachel grimaced and Santana shared an understanding look with Miss Holliday.
"Do you have a headache Rachel?" Miss Holliday questioned sensitively, placing the back of her hand to Rachel's forehead as if checking her temperature.
"I always have a headache," Rachel commented, pressing the heel of her hand in to her temple once more. "It never really goes away, not completely."
"You feel a little hot," Miss Holliday noted matter of factly. "Are you feeling alright otherwise?"
"She's not been sleeping," Santana answered on Rachel's behalf as she dropped her head in to her hands, covering her eyes with her hands for a moment. "Her doctor has changed a lot of her medications around and the new prescription isn't really helping to manage her symptoms. She's been in a lot of pain recently."
Miss Holliday nodded in acknowledgement.
"How bad is your headache at the moment?" Miss Holliday asked Rachel who had lifted her face out of her hands once more.
"Bad," Rachel admitted. "It's…like a nine out of ten."
"What do you normally take for it?" Miss Holliday asked. "Can you have something?"
Rachel shook her head, her eyes closed.
"I've already taken what I can," Rachel informed her. "I can't take anything else for another couple of hours."
"Ok," Miss Holliday said, her eyes narrowing in thought. "Let me see what I can do."
With that Miss Holliday stood up and made her way back into the school nurses office to speak to her. Once she'd disappeared, Rachel lifted her gaze to meet Santana's and she pushed herself back a little so that she could look at her properly.
"I'm so sorry Santana," Rachel apologized again. "Jesus…I'm such a mess…"
"You are a mess Rach," Santana replied her tone serious but her features demonstrating a warm smile. "You're in one hell of a fucking state to be honest."
"I know," Rachel acknowledged a small smile creeping on to her own lips at Santana's expression. "I know…I'm sorry…"
"I want to help," Santana told her earnestly. "I really want to be able to help you but, I don't think I can." Santana shared with her. "I don't know what to do Rach," Santana continued. "It scares me when I see you like that, when I hear you saying those things…"
"I'm sorry," Rachel repeated again, because it was true and she didn't know what else to say.
"Please tell me that you didn't mean them?" Santana asked her hopefully, although she knew deep down that Rachel did.
"I…can't," Rachel told her as Miss Holliday came back outside with an ice pack which she'd wrapped in a towel.
"Here," Miss Holliday said gesturing for Rachel to tilt her head forward slightly. "Try this."
She placed the ice pack on the back of Rachel's neck and held it there for a moment until Rachel reached up with her own hand to take over.
They sat there for a while, in relative silence, Santana not wanting to broach the previous topic with Rachel whilst Miss Holliday was present. Rachel's headache eased a little bit with the use of the ice pack but she still had that dull ache which always pressed at her temples oppressively. Eventually Rachel's dad arrived and Miss Holliday explained what had happened during lunch. Hiram took Rachel home after promising Santana that she could visit after school but no sooner, knowing that she'd ideally want to accompany her home now. Once they'd left, Santana made a move to head to her next class but Miss Holliday stopped her.
"Santana can I talk to you for a minute?" she asked, gesturing for her to return to the seat she'd recently occupied.
Santana descended into it hesitantly as Miss Holliday sat herself down in the vacant one beside her.
"Is something wrong?" Santana asked nervously. "I'm sorry about what happened? I don't even know what happened really…one minute she was ok and the next…well, you saw…"
"You don't have anything to apologize for," Miss Holliday reassured her compassionately. "What just happened, it wasn't your fault, ok?"
Santana nodded her head in acknowledgement of Miss Holliday's words.
"Rachel has a lot of problems," Miss Holliday commented, watching Santana's face for her reaction. "She can't control her emotions sometimes. It's not her fault." She added. "She is dealing with a lot, probably more than any other student at this school." Miss Holliday noted.
"She's trying," Santana said feeling like she should defend Rachel. "She is…"
"I know," Miss Holliday interrupted. "I know she is. I'm not blaming her or upset with her about what happened. I spend a lot of time with Rachel and I understand what she's dealing with and how well she is doing by just being present at school some days." Miss Holliday shared. "I'm just concerned." She finished.
"I am too." Santana admitted.
"No," Miss Holliday said placing a hand on Santana's knee. "Not about Rachel," she clarified, "about you."
"Me?" Santana asked surprised. "Why?"
"Don't get me wrong," Miss Holliday explained. "I'm obviously concerned about Rachel too, but, her problems and her struggles are obvious and she has a lot of support from various different faculty members and professionals. She's got her family and her friends…"
Miss Holliday paused for a moment and Santana just stared back at her in return, waiting for her to continue.
"Who do you have supporting you Santana?" Miss Holliday asked her sensitively.
"I'm fine," Santana said, "I have my friends and my family," she informed her teacher but Miss Holliday could hear the doubt in her voice and Santana read it on her face. "I don't need any help."
"Santana," Miss Holliday said sadly. "Rachel is depressed. She has a lot of residual physical disabilities and some behavioral problems as a result of the accident. Her mood fluctuates depending on the day and that's ok, because she's still recovering but, I'm worried about how being around her is affecting you."
"I don't understand," Santana said honestly. "It doesn't affect me…Rachel's the one that…"
"You think that," Miss Holliday cut her off smoothly, her voice kind. "Santana I know that you really care about Rachel…"
"I love her," Santana admitted and Miss Holliday tilted her head to the side a small smile on her lips. "I'm in love with her."
"I can see that," Miss Holliday replied, not judging, not shocked or disgusted, but understanding and empathetic. She'd known that Rachel and Santana had been dating ever since it happened. It didn't bother her in the slightest.
She paused for a moment lifting her hand and placing it on Santana's shoulder.
"I've spent a lot of time with Rachel over the last few months Santana," Miss Holliday eventually went on. "You are such a positive influence in her life and so supportive of her. She depends on you for a lot. I'm just concerned that she is too dependent on you."
"I don't mind though," Santana responded without hesitation. "I want to help her."
"That's very admirable of you Santana," Miss Holliday praised, "but you have to think about yourself in this as well. You have to look out for you."
"I am," Santana said feeling tears prick at her eyes but uncertain why. "It's not too much for me. I can manage…"
"Now," Miss Holliday agreed, "but Santana, depression is hard on any relationship, whether that be friends or other. Even grown adults struggle to navigate it easily. Rachel's moods, her words, over time they'll start to get to you."
"They won't," Santana said, her voice quiet, lacking the conviction of before.
"Santana I think that they already are," Miss Holliday observed as a tear slid down Santana's cheek.
"She doesn't mean them," Santana defended. "It's not personal…it's…she's just…she's so angry sometimes…at herself."
"You take it personally though," Miss Holliday said rubbing her arm comfortingly. "You get hurt because of her."
"It's not her fault," Santana said in defense, wiping at her eyes. "She doesn't know how else to express herself so she…lashes out sometimes and she shouts…not at me…it's never aimed at me, not really, I know that."
"Watching her hurt herself, is just as painful, if not more sometimes, than being the recipient of her irritation and her rage." Miss Holliday said knowingly. "It upsets you because you feel like you're failing at making her happy, but, her depression is not because of failure on your part. You need to know that."
"She is happy," Santana said crying openly now. "Sometimes there are days where it's almost like nothing ever happened to her…"
"They're rare though aren't they?" Miss Holliday asked perceptively.
"They're there," Santana countered wiping at her eyes. "They might be few and far between but they make all the bad days' worth it…she's like a different person when she's happy….she's…"
Santana swallowed hard, her words failing her, unable to explain.
"I love her," Santana said simply. "All of her. When she's at her worst and her best…"
Miss Holliday sighed sadly.
"Santana I'm not asking you to stop seeing her," Miss Holliday reassured her, sensing Santana's obvious concern. "I just want you to be careful. Rachel leans on you for everything and she doesn't understand or realize the affect that her mood has on you. It's not because she doesn't care, she'd be devastated if she knew she'd hurt you because, you can see, she really cares about you too, but, she can't…"
"I know," Santana interrupted. "I read up on head injuries and traumatic brain injuries, I'm pretty much an expert now."
"She can't perceive how her behavior affects other people sometimes," Miss Holliday went on. "If you're not careful Santana you could end up growing to resent her and I'm worried what she might do if she doesn't have the person that she's become so reliant on."
Miss Holliday left the implication hanging between them but Santana understood. Miss Holliday was worried that if Rachel's depression didn't resolve, if she continued to lash out and push back at Santana then she'd start to resent her and they'd grow apart. She was concerned that if that happened Rachel wouldn't have the support that she'd become so dependent on and that with her previous history and suicidal thoughts it might be the straw the breaks the camels' back, so to speak.
"Talk to me," Miss Holliday encouraged. "Any time you need to get something of your chest, or you need some advice, please come and find me." She offered kindly. "I want to be that support for you Santana alright?" she said. "As strong as you think that you are and as much as you don't think you need any help, everyone needs someone to look out for their interests. Rachel is incapable of doing that for you, as much as she might want to." Miss Holliday explained. "She has to focus on herself. She needs to in order to move past this and get better."
"She's not selfish though," Santana protested. "She's so generous and thoughtful when she's happy."
"When she's happy," Miss Holliday emphasized meaningfully, "because when she's not, all her thoughts are preoccupied on herself and that's when she doesn't consider her actions or words towards you." She finished. "It's not intentional I know, but, that's when I want you to talk to me. You're not alone Santana. We all want the same thing for Rachel."
Miss Holliday paused momentarily.
"It's just that I want something for you too." Miss Holliday finished and Santana nodded her head in understanding.
"Ok," she promised. "Thank you. I will. I know we discussed it before but I promise I will this time." Santana continued.
Santana stood up to go to her next period but Miss Holliday stayed her by reaching up and pulling gently on Santana's wrist as she too stood up.
"Santana," she said seriously. "I'm really proud of you. I just wanted to tell you that. I really admire who you are."
Santana smiled through her tears.
"Stay in there," Miss Holliday said seriously. "Stay true to who you are through all this and you'll be fine, you and Rachel. She might not seem it sometimes but she is a fighter and she loves you. If she can't do it for herself she'll do it for you."
"How do you know that?" Santana asked.
"She depends on you," Miss Holliday stated simply. "You might not realize it yet but you depend on her just as much as she's does you, and despite what she lacks, Rachel is perceptive to that."
Santana smiled before throwing her arms around Miss Holliday grateful for her words. Miss Holliday, initially surprised, soon wrapped her arms around Santana, hugging her comfortingly.
"Thanks," Santana said appreciatively.
"You're welcome," Miss Holliday said releasing her and she accompanied Santana to her next class, providing an excuse to her teacher for her tardiness in person.
Santana suffered the rest of school in a state of fervent agitation, desperate for the final bell to ring so that she could finally go and see Rachel. Finally, the blessed signal came and Santana hastily made her way over to Rachel's house, knocking lightly on the door, her feet shifting beneath her anxiously whilst she waited for an answer.
After was seemed like a lifetime, Rachel's dad opened the door and greeted her, inviting Santana inside and informing her that Rachel was upstairs in her room.
"How is she?" Santana asked tentatively. "Is she any better this afternoon?"
"She's…about the same," Hiram answered honestly, gesturing for Santana to go on upstairs.
Santana made her way up the familiar stairs to Rachel's room, pushing the door, which had been pulled to; open quietly, the lock having been removed immediately following the events of two weeks ago.
On entering the room, Santana saw Rachel lying on her left side in the bed, her small form enveloped by her duvet, her hoodie visible at the back of her neck as she slept. Santana smiled to herself at the sight of her girlfriend, Rachel's relaxed expression and soft features temporarily concealing her inner turmoil. Santana stepped further in to the room, pushing the door closed gently behind her and made her way over to Rachel's bed, kicking off her shoes and crawling onto the mattress to lie beside Rachel. Santana lowered herself on to her right shoulder so that she was facing her girlfriend, their faces only a few feet apart. Santana treasured Rachel's peaceful appearance, enjoyed watching her chest rise slowly, her breathing easy and unperturbed rather than fast and panicked as it had been earlier.
Santana reached her hand up and gently stroked Rachel's brow with her fingertips, powerless to abstain from contact when she was so close and her soft, smooth skin was beckoning her like the beacon of a lighthouse. Rachel's face twitched a little under Santana's touch and her eyes flickered for a moment causing Santana to hold her breath, worried that she'd woken her. She released it slowly when Rachel remained asleep, only to curse inwardly when the sensation of Santana's exhaled breath on her face caused Rachel's eyes to flutter open drowsily, their faces so close together.
Rachel smiled sleepily at Santana, her eyelids only half open, her mouth pursed slightly, her features still relaxed.
"Hi," Rachel greeted her voice raspy and deep from sleep.
"Hi," Santana smiled back, reaching up and brushing Rachel's brow with her fingertips again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." Santana apologized.
"I wasn't sleeping," Rachel protested lamely, closing her eyes again.
"Oh you weren't?" Santana questioned teasingly, "my mistake."
Rachel opened her eyes to look at Santana and she felt her heart flutter at the sight of Rachel's bleary eyes as they fixed on her. Rachel reached her hand up, her control uncoordinated and searching, to find Santana's face and she stroked the tip of Santana's nose with her fingertip once she found it, a sluggish smile on her face.
"I like your nose," Rachel said still half asleep. "It's cute."
"You're cute," Santana countered and her heart fluttered again at the sight of Rachel's mouth lift up into a smile once more.
Rachel moved her hand, lightly touching Santana's face, studying every line, every feature through sleep glazed eyes. Her fingers gently traced the contours of Santana's lips before making their way up to Santana's brow and tracing the outline of her piercing brown eyes.
"You're really pretty," Rachel said finally as though she'd been drawing that conclusion for the last few minutes.
Santana shuffled a little closer to Rachel on the bed, resting her forehead against her girlfriends so that the tips of their noses were touching. She reached up her hand to stroke Rachel's cheek and smiled when she saw her close her weary eyes again. Santana dipped her head to plant a soft kiss on Rachel's lips and wasn't surprised when she didn't reciprocate, her chest rising slowly and evenly as she settled back to sleep again. Santana stroked the bridge of Rachel's nose lightly and she scrunched it up in response an adorable expression on her face as she opened her eyes again to look at Santana.
"Hi," Rachel said still sleepy.
"Hi again," Santana replied smiling and this time Rachel was the one to initiate the kiss, her aim sloppy in her exhaustion. Santana laughed a little as Rachel shifted here position in the bed to rectify her aim and reached up to place a hand on the side of Santana's neck, brushing her skin there rhythmically with her thumb.
"I'm glad that you're here," Rachel said, her voice quiet and throaty, her eyes flicking closed once again spent.
"I'll always be here Rach," Santana told her sincerely, reaching a hand up to rub Rachel's uppermost arm. "I told you that. You won't get rid of me that easily you know."
"I know," Rachel yawned and she kissed Santana again sighing in to it contentedly.
"We need to talk about today," Santana said to her seriously, her hand finding its way up to Rachel's forehead to trace the outline of her scar like it always seemed to do. She was grateful for Miss Holliday's support, for her kind words and her concern but Santana had made a promise to Rachel and although she'd kind of reneged on it in regards to her nosebleeds, Santana was going to stay true to her oath. If she was going to talk to anyone about things, it would be Rachel.
"Ok," Rachel acknowledged, her eyes still closed. "Tomorrow though," Rachel said, her eyes fluttering half-open again.
"Rachel you're depressed," Santana stated simply and Rachel reached up to try and remove the creases of Santana's furrowed brow.
"I know," Rachel admitted her eyes dropping closed for a minute before they reopened. "I'm sorry, I don't want to be."
"It hurts me to see you in pain," Santana shared with her, running her fingertips through the long strands of hair on the right hand side of Rachel's head. Rachel closed her eyes again in response to Santana's touch.
"I never want to hurt you Santana," Rachel said, opening her eyes and placing a hand on Santana's side, beneath her shirt, which still had traces of Rachel's blood on it from earlier. "You are the last person that I would ever…want to hurt," she said, her voice trailing off as her eyelids dropped closed again.
"Rachel…" Santana started but she was stunned in to silence by Rachel's next words.
"I love you Santana," Rachel hummed sincerely, her eyes still closed, her lids too heavy to lift, exhaustion evident in every fiber of her being. "I love you." She breathed.