A Time Warp for the Quarks

by Akktri

An unwilling guest of the Doctor's funeral must defeat the Dominators and escape a time loop on an alien cruise ship.

26. Chapter 26: Buffet

For the sixth, possibly seventh time in a row, I found Zanie licking me awake. I failed to understand what was so tasty about my face.

Shoving her aside, I got up, and my eyes immediately went to the bracelet on Harvey's wrist. Dangling over Joe's shoulder like a glittering piece of candy, the theft was a temptation I was finding less and less resistance to.

I was tired of being treated like a dog, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to swap bracelets with someone. I had decided against Jenny, since I'd already had quite enough of performing in a one man acrobatics show. And not Riversong, either, for similar reasons. But Harvey...

I reasoned that he wouldn't starve, he'd just be forced to eat "dog food" like I'd been having for the last two or three attempts, and it wouldn't hurt him to lose a little weight. Again, I didn't bother with the TARDIS, because I figured he and I still had access to food, either way.

Well, until someone at last finds out that our bracelets are fake.

I was only going to borrow it for a few minutes anyway.

And so, as quietly as I could manage, I crept across the floor to his drooling unconscious form, tugging on his wrist band.

It didn't come off. His chubby fists were clenched tight, probably in some nightmare about fighting a rotisserie chicken or something, so the band was stuck on his fat wrist.

His heavy lids slowly cracked open. "Man, what are you doing?"

"N-nothing," I stammered, jerking back.

Seeming to think nothing of my strange behavior, Harv closed his eyelids again.

I thought he had gone to sleep again, so I crept back over to him, rotating the bracelet on his wrist to see how I could remove it.

His eyelids flew wide open. "You got your own bracelet, man!" he yelled. "Leave mine the freak alone!"

I'm sure he would have said something stronger if he knew I didn't have a bar of soap handy.

Turning red, I said sorry, pretending to look the other way as Joe woke up, complaining about Harv drooling on him.

When I looked back, I saw the fat kid unclasping something on the wrist band, and it came off without him sliding it over his fist. He rubbed and itched the irritated flesh beneath, then clasped the band back on.

Aha! I thought, but could do nothing about it now that he was awake.

Deciding there was nothing of interest to be seen in Captain Salty's, and a change of scenery was long overdue, I grabbed my pet and marched down the hallway opposite the one she always fled down, wandering into the banquet hall a few yards beyond.

It was an elegant black tie affair, but I was wearing the dead guy's suit, so nobody bothered me.

It was a crowded place full of strange and unusual lifeforms, some like robots, or deformed people.

In the corner, a band played, a strange looking quartet featuring a three eyed bear beast, two of those bug eyed badger things, and a shiny gray robot with a black metal eyestalk and a pair of lights on its head.

They played genuinely alien music, nothing I recognized, like a real life counterpart of the Star Wars cantina band.

The candlelit tables and booths were all covered in fine linen, maintained by well dressed aliens of various species. Near the back of the room, under a giant ornate clock, I could see a buffet full of delicious looking food. Wine, champagne and starch were the strongest scents.

Before I could reach it, I noticed a familiar pink shape swaying drunkenly in one of the booths.

Rolling my eyes, I approached the creature, cringing as he warbled out a song a little too loudly.

"Eyestalks on Daleks,

And whiskers on cat nuns,

Hot desert planets

Encircled by twin suns,

Bright silver spaceships

Powered by strings,

These are a few of my favorite things..."

Zanie growled and gave him a few nervous barks.

"Senator Tayari!" I cried, attempting to prevent his future imprisonment.

The seemingly blind bug face appeared to stare at me for a moment. "Do I know you?"

"I'm a fan," I lied. "I think you did a brave thing, blocking the Interplanetary Mining Corporation's activities on planet Tenguk 9."

It was the first thing that popped into my head. I didn't know what it meant, but I remembered he said it once.

Despite being drunk, the Senator didn't seem to buy it. I got that suspicious look again.

"So you approve of the NIMWAC initiative and all it entails?"

I nodded, but that proved to be the wrong answer. The moment I responded thus, a pair of claws clamped around my throat.

"Well don't! It took only two minutes to get that bill signed, and the rest of my political career to undo even a quarter of the damages! How dare you come to my personal table and claim to be a friend when you are in fact nothing of the sort! You, sir, can depart from my presence at once!"

He shoved me to the floor.

I dropped the leash, but Zanie stayed by my side, uttering low growls at my attacker.

I considered asking the Senator his opinions on planetary ecology, but I decided I didn't care.

A few seconds later, Clara and Glynus marched up to the table, glancing between the Senator and myself and back again.

"Sir," Clara said, kneeling down to my level. "Has Senator Tayari harmed you?"

"Uh no!" I blurted. "Really. It's my fault. You know what they say. `Never discuss religion or politics...'"

Her eyes narrowed skeptically.

"Did you know the Senator can sing?" I said.

Glynus nodded. "Loudly."

"Well, when he's sober, he's the..." I paused, momentarily dreading what I'd be unleashing. "He's the greatest singer I've ever heard. Why, I have a whole collection of recordings of him...singing. In fact, I signed up for this cruise for the sole purpose of hearing him sing. And get his autograph."

Clara and the badger thing glanced at each other, rolling their eyes.

"It's your funeral," Odd Eye said to me.

Clara handed me a little tablet computer and a stylus. "Sign on the line."

I frowned. "Why."

"It's a form saying we offered to remove a potentially life threatening individual from your presence and you declined."

I took the pad and signed. "I trust the Senator with my life."

She glanced at the screen and frowned. "Wait. Your signature doesn't match anything on the ship roster."

I shrugged. "I was tired and in a hurry."

I could tell my her facial expression that she didn't buy it. At least, not completely.

"Did you know my hands shake when I have low blood sugar?"

I still didn't completely sell it, but I was getting close. After all, it was a half truth, so I simply had to hold out one shaking hand to demonstrate my point.

"See? My sugar isn't even that good right now. That's why I was going to the buffet."

They looked at me suspiciously for a moment, then Glynus gave Clara a nod, his eyestalks bouncing with the motion. "Completely insane."

Clara nodded back. "Mental. Definitely."

"Enjoy the buffet," the badger thing said, and the two walked away, though they continued casting me suspicious glances from time to time as they patrolled the room.

"Thank you," the Senator said to me. "It takes a big Vimzic to strangle someone over politics, but it takes a bigger one to forgive him."

He paused. "You really like my singing?"

I shrugged. "It lightens the mood."

"The odd thing is, I don't recall ever making recordings."

Swallowing, I said, "Uh, you didn't. Um, there's people with tape recorders You just don't know."

Tayari came close, breathing down my neck in that way that said he'd strangle me again. "What people?"

"Uh, are you familiar with the Paparazzi? The press?"

This seemed to appease him, but he was growling.

"You make it sound like a bad thing," I continued. "They didn't record you doing drugs or sex or whatever it is that gets you into trouble, they're just recording you making beautiful music. You should be glad to be so lucky."

The Senator plopped down in his booth, staring at his drink. "You should do something about that blood sugar," he muttered.

And so I marched off to the buffet, careful to hide the pet symbol on my wristband before getting too near.

Despite containing several types of alien food that stared or snapped back at me, it was still a decent spread, and the dessert section excused its lack of breakfast options, though the mincemeat pie didn't appear to be made out of the correct ingredients.

My nose detected a rich mouthwatering combination of foods hidden among the pink manure scented scallions and ferret musk smelling toadstools that apepared to breathe when I leaned over them.

I grabbed some ribs, which seemed a little too blue to be from a cow, a slice of something with the shape of watermelon but the color of a grape, and deviled eggs.

When I reached the end of the table with a loaded plate, I was stopped by a little guy in a suit with a face like a hairless mole, all wrinkled and toothy.

"I need to scan your bracelet, sir."

He took out a little device, waving it over my arm.

Without warning, he took my plate away. "I'm sorry, we don't serve food to pets."

And he dumps my food into a bin next to the table.

I seriously considered decking him, but I noticed Joe and Harv entering the room, escorted by the penguin bot, and decided against it. I was an Assistant Scoutmaster, after all, and I was supposed to show good citizenship.

Okay, so that wasn't the only reason.

Distracted from the buffet, I suddenly noticed the cyclops in a party dress seated in one of the corner booths.

Since she was alone, I took the seat across from her, mostly because I was hoping to coerce her into bringing me a plate.

"Hi," I said, setting the leash handle on the table. "What's a nice...uh, human Dalek doing in a place like this?"

She glanced around the room, as if checking for hidden cameras or snickering cohorts. Seeing none, she looked at me with blushing cheeks.

"Hi," she replied with nervous apparent in her voice. "I'm Desiree. What's your name?"

So I told her. Again.

"So," she said. "What brings you onboard the Island Princess?"

I feigned a yawn. "Oh, nothing that interesting. I just went camping with the Boy Scouts and found out I inherited some wacky spaceship called a TARDIS, which took me here. How about you? How did you end up on this ship?"

Her eye darted back and forth. "Promise you won't tell anyone. Especially security."

I laughed. "Did you see that scene I had with them just a few minutes ago?"

Blank look. "No?"

"I wouldn't go near them." I extended my ring, middle and index fingers. "Scout's honor."

She grinned, looking visibly relieved.

She then leaned forward, glancing to and fro. Her voice lowered. "I'm a stowaway."

I smiled. "That makes two of us."

Zanie barked at her. She knelt down and petted the animal. "This is cute!" she said. "What's its name?"

I told her.

"Well it's a very nice dog," she said, picking her up.

It was then that I noticed I had an audience. The two boys were standing next to the table, giggling, muttering and elbowing each other.

"Gee, Nick!" Joe laughed. "Interesting choice of females!"

Looking hurt, Desiree dropped the dog.

Noticing her reaction, I covered with, "So what? Maybe I like interesting."

Joe chuckled and shook his head. "Did you get tired of the other one?"

"Other one!" Desiree cried, her face scrunched up in outrage.

"Yeah!" said Harvey. "What about Jenny?"

"Jenny!"

Desiree bolted to her feet. "What kind of woman do you take me for!"

"A woman who isn't lesbian," I blurted. "A woman that actually likes me."

"Man.." Harvey said, shooting Joe a knowing glance.

"Yeah," Joe muttered. "That's got to be tough."

Desiree sat back down.

"Well," Joe said, looking a bit ill. "I guess I'll leave you to get your mack on."

I winced.

They walked off.

"Mack?" Desiree said with suspicion. "What's a mack?"

"I don't know," I said. "I don't have a Mac. I only have a PC."

That didn't help.

"Uh...they think I'm going to be a smooth dude, and I'm not, okay?"

Desiree laughed. "Okay."

She pointed in the direction of the departing scouts. "Are those your friends?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm an Assistant Scoutmaster."

When she didn't get it, I explained scouting.

"You sound like a very kind and noble male."

"I guess I am. Sometimes."

She grabbed my hand. "Do you want to dance?"

I really wanted to say that I just wanted to eat, but I didn't want to make it obvious that she was my meal ticket. Well, at least, if the bracelet on her arm actually worked.

So, hooking part of Zanie's leash onto the table, I nodded and got up, following her out to the middle of the floor as the band did an alien rendition of Ozzy Osbourne's Time After Time.

I only knew one dance. The two step. Half the time, those two steps were on Desiree's toes, but she didn't mind.

"Do you think all those advertisements about this cruise are right?"

I swallowed. "Which ones?"

She leaned closer, almost within kissing range. "The ones about even the unlikeliest people finding love."

"Anything's possible," I said, half dreading her response.

The bump of her nose touched my larger one, then our lips touched.

It probably would have progressed further, but I was interrupted by Joe screaming as something on the buffet snapped down on his fingers.

Somewhat relieved to have a distraction, I ran to the buffet, glancing between Joe's bloody hand and his colorless face.

The mole thing just smirked, pried the biting food off of Joe's hand, and bandaged him up.

"Will he be okay?" I asked.

Yes, I knew something about first aid, but I didn't know what kind of infections you could get from biting food from outer space.

"It looks worse than it is," the buffet attendant said. "It's only surface damage."

In the background, I thought I heard the band playing Stop This Game by Cheap Trick.

Once Desiree saw that the boy's injury was treated, she glanced at me expectantly. "Want to dance some more?"

"Uh..." I stammered, unsure if it were a right moment to start begging her for food. "Maybe later. I'm kind of hungry."

She nodded. "I'll be at my table."

Harvey popped up in front of the victim. "Man! You should have seen Nick! He was that close to making out with Medusa!"

I tapped him on the shoulder. "Uh...they won't let me have any food. They think I'm a pet. Can you please get me a plate?"

"What!" he cried indignantly. "I catch you trying to rip off my meal ticket and you're asking me to get you food? You gotta be freaking kidding me!"

"Problem?" Joe asked, waving around his bandaged fingers.

Harv puffed out his cheeks. "I'll say! The fool be trippin'! Asking me for food right after he almost stole from me. Shoot!"

Joe frowned at me, shaking his head. "What kind of scout leader steals from kids?"

Harvey gave me a fierce scowl. "A scout is supposed to be trustworthy and loyal and all that, but I sure ain't seeing it!"

Joe muttered to Harvey, and they both chuckled.

"Would serve him right," Harvey agreed to whatever it was.

"All right," Joe said. "We'll let you have a plate, providing you fulfill the following conditions. First, we will select what you're going to eat. Secondly, you will be responsible for putting that snapping pincer thing on your plate, and third, but certainly first and foremost, you have to French cyclops girl."

I gulped. "How do you know I didn't want to do that anyway?"

I actually didn't, but I was trying to get out of this any way I could.

Joe shrugged. "Let's just say I was unconvinced. But if I'm wrong, it should be super easy for you, right?"

"Right," I frowned.

I thought for certain I would faint before I got to her table. In addition to the very real blood sugar problem, I was really nervous. My legs felt weak, unable to support my weight.

I crept back to the table, smiling at my quote-unquote `love interest.'

"Lose your appetite?" she asked.

"Uh...no. I'm just waiting for them to put the barbecue pizza out."

I didn't know for a fact they actually had pizza. I certainly hadn't seen any, but it seemed like a plausible enough excuse, and she didn't question it. She just nodded.

"So..." I said, easing my way into the subject. "We were...in the middle of something..."

Desiree blushed. "I know. It was a mistake."

"Are you sure it was a mistake?" I prodded.

She sunk back in her seat. "You broke away rather quickly. I thought I was being too forward."

I shook my head. "No no. It's not you. One of my boys was in trouble. Thank heavens it wasn't anything serious!"

Desiree nodded, her eye growing bigger. "Yes. Thank heavens!"

"So..." I urged. "Want to dance some more?"

She grimaced. "I don't even like this song."

I hadn't been paying attention, but the band had been playing a modified version of a Miley Cyrus song.

"I don't either," I said with a frown.

She leaned over the table. "You seem like you're really good with children."

Oh, I thought with a sinking feeling in my stomach that had nothing to do with hunger. So we're having that discussion.

I nervously leaned closer anyway.

"Are you married?"

"No," I said.

"No kids?"

I reddened. "No."

"No girlfriends?"

"No. But you already guessed that, right?"

She gave me a wink. "You never know."

Oh boy, I thought, fighting the urge to run away screaming. I guessed that, while many men have a fear of commitment from time to time, they never had to deal with anything like this.

"You ever think about having kids of your own?"

I paled. "Sometimes?"

"Well," she grinned, seeming to be blushing again. "Once you have your...Hawaiian pizza, we should go for a walk in hydroponics and talk about some things."

"That sounds...interesting," I said, trying ignore my trembling hands. Was it hunger or fear? I'm not really sure.

"It is," she said. "And very romantic. Did you know they had over eight thousand types of flowers in there?"

I stared at her in amazement. "Really? That many?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well then, I'd like to see-"

Before I could say anything more, she grabs the lapels of my borrowed Time Lord suit, pulling me into an unexpectedly passionate full mouth kiss.

Needless to say, it was a little strange, being that her tongue had fluted openings in it where wormy things shot out, there was a hole down the middle, and it tasted like onions and lemon cough drops.

It was gross, but oddly pleasant. Although I wasn't sure I'd do it again, I couldn't say I wouldn't if the opportunity presented itself.

The cheers and wolf whistles from the peanut gallery told me I had accomplished the established goal. I pulled away fast.

"Wow," I gasped, half acting, half genuine.

I glanced toward the buffet. "I...think I'll go check for barbecue again."

She smiled. "If you find any, bring me some."

I didn't get but a couple feet from the table when Joe came up to me, raising a hand in anticipation of a high five. I returned the gesture half heartedly.

"That was awesome!" he laughed. "Get whatever you want from the table! You've earned it!"

All this he said a little too loudly for anyone's good.

A second later, I heard Desiree yelling, "So that's all this was? Some kind of stupid bet?"

"No?" I stammered.

"It's more like a dare," Joe said, digging the hole deeper.

The next thing I know, I'm being slapped so hard across the face that I'm seeing stars and I can feel the shape of her hand burning a raised mesa onto my cheek.

She stormed away, choking down sobs.

"Ouch," Joe muttered.

I glanced at the buffet, then at the retreating figure.

Fearing she would succeed in cutting her wrists, I turned and ran after her.

"Leave me alone!" she yelled. And then, under her breath, I heard her saying, "I can see why the Daleks exterminated them. They're all pigs."

"You got me all wrong!" I said. "I told him he was betting on a sure thing, but he didn't believe me."

She whirled around. "What, that I was easy?"

I paled. "No?"

Then I backpedaled. "I mean, we were almost kissing before, and neither one of us minded..."

Her eye narrowed. "And if you got into my pants, you'd earn the deluxe room, is that it?"

"No!" I protested.

She shook her head sadly. "Don't bother to explain. I don't want to hear it. Just leave me alone."

And she stomped down the hallway.

Undeterred, I hurried after her. "I was serious about taking a walk in hydroponics."

"That's nice," she said sarcastically. "It's on the other end of the ship. Have fun!"

And she marched away faster.

I thought about asking her about her mission to stop the Quarks, but wasn't sure it would do any good. I knew precious little about her motives or emotional states, other than her being depressed.

I sighed. It's hard to help people who don't want to be helped, especially the suicidal.

I didn't really know what to do, so I just let her walk away. Anyways, I figured I could go visit her in her room later to make sure she's okay.

I returned to the buffet and found the boys waiting impatiently.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just got dumped."

Joe handed me a plate. It contained mostly freakish stuff like the finger eating rhubarb thing, the glowing blue watermelon pieces, and a purple-green crustacean that looked more like lice under a microscope than crab, and alien earthworms.

The only thing that looked good was the "crab" and the chunk of ribs in navy blue sauce. Still, I was happy to have food, so I took the plate to Desiree's booth, attacking the stuff with a knife, fork and some weird silver implement reminding me of a tiny pipe wrench.

I felt guilty about eating while Desiree was off moping or worse, hurting herself, but if you don't want help...

After watching me eat and feed my dog alien tidbits for a few minutes, Joe said, "I'm going to explore. Let me know if you see your girlfriend again, or get sick from that alien crap you're eating."

He and Harvey both walked off to other parts of the ship.

Hearing the sounds of a struggle, I turned and saw Clara and Odd Eye carting the Senator away from his booth.

I got up and ran to them.

"Hey!" I cried. "That's my friend! What's he done now?"

"Public drunkenness," said Clara. "It's for his own good. We're putting him in the brig to cool off a little."

"Okay," I frowned. "If you really think he needs it."

She stared at me for a moment, as if re-evaluating her own judgment.

I've tried saying similar things to cops that pull me over for speeding. It didn't work this time either.

The guards towed my friend out of the room like a sack of old potatoes, Glynus, of course bearing the heavier part of Tayari's weight.

There was nothing I could do, so I examined the Senator's table to see if there were any personal items I could bring to him in the brig.

Okay, well maybe I had other ideas, but that was the nobler one.

Next to a half finished glass of something that looked like antifreeze, I found a copy of The Invention of Morel by Adolfo Bioy Cesares.

I sat down with my dog and read the book cover to cover. It was about people on an island recording a week of their existence for playback for all eternity, or whenever the machine broke down, whichever came first. The hero, an outsider to this process, falls in love with a recording of one of the women, and he solves his dilemma by `taping' himself over the image of the girl's boyfriend.

The solution was sad and pathetic, and people's lives were not at stake, so this idea did me no good. It only illustrated to me that getting anywhere close to a machine like this would be as dangerous as playing around inside a self burying coffin.

I put the book down, ashamed that I had wasted so much time, but then again, no one said I had to do anything. I only had assumed, on the basis of getting second chances, that I had a chance to do something I wasn't able to do the first time.

So I unhooked Zanie and walked her down the hallway to hydroponics.

Indeed, it was magnificent. Under fluorescents, a million colors exploded in bright petaled plants, some that watched me as I passed by, others that gobbled insects with speeds unheard of in plants. One of them blasted me with pollen, which I brushed off at once, but couldn't completely eliminate. I sneezed nonstop after that.

It was a sea of scents, ranging between the ordinary rose and jasmine smells to the weird and unpleasant.

I stared with fascination as squid-like creatures with football shaped heads pruned vines, packed in dirt, harvested and took care of other horticultural tasks.

Little abstractly patterned orange rodents darted in between the plants so quickly that I couldn't tell what breed they were, or what they were. They had the shape of rabbits, but it was hard to tell exactly what I was looking at from two second glimpses.

Deciding I'd given Desiree ample time to calm down, I thought it high time to stop by her room. I left hydroponics, marching off down the long corridor that led to the stairs, and Desiree's room.

Up top, the door was cracked open, just like before, but when I pushed it open, I discovered I had failed, maybe even made things worse.

The human Dalek lay sprawled on blankets caked with drying blue blood, her one eye staring vacantly at the ceiling, ebbing streams of robin's egg trailing down her arms like she'd cut open a bottle of laundry detergent instead of her wrists.

It was surreal as it was tragic. I knelt by her side and wept, crying incoherent apologies to no one.