A/N So this is the part where you all look at your computer screens and yell FINALLY! Because basically there is no one on this planet who sucks more than me… I had excuses in the beginning as to why this chapter didn't get written, I was at camp, I came home with strep throat, I had guy drama…. But after that… yeah no excuses… just that this was the chapter that refused to get written…. And then when I did finally start writing it, it became the chapter than never ended… But get written it did and now I can finally share it with you…
"I'm driving," Cameron announced succinctly as she walked across the street to where her car was parked. Not even noticing that she was still dragging House along behind her as he was still gripping her hand.
For once House actually decided not to contest her proclamation, especially since she by her tone the decision was not up for debate. And so he allowed her to lead him to her car, only dropping her hand when he had to, so that he could move around to the passenger side.
It was on auto pilot that Cameron buckled herself up and started the ignition. She was so distracted that she didn't even bother to turn on the radio, as was her habit as soon as she got in the car, as she pulled out into the street and on their way to the mall. Without music in the background, and with both of them sitting there silently and the only audible sound being the even hum of the engine, the silence was almost deafening as the memory of their most recent kiss weighed heavily on both their minds.
Although neither of them had mentioned it, they both knew that it was exactly two months ago today that they had gotten married in Vegas.
Not that anyone was counting.
And while it seemed like a lifetime ago, there had really only been a handful of times that had kissed.
But again, no one was counting.
That's not to say that they didn't kiss each other all the time, because they did. For example, House would always make his wife give him a kiss goodbye and good luck before he went down to the clinic, just in case this was the time he didn't make it out alive. Also the occasional lip lock would be exchanged when Chase or Foreman didn't realize that the couple knew that they were being watched. Cameron also made it a sport of kissing her husband as often as possible in front of that pushy nurse from the ICU that had somehow developed a crush on the cranky Dr. House.
But really kissed, where it wasn't for an audience, where it had nothing to do with the image they were portraying or the game they were playing, that was something else entirely. So far, both of them had been careful to keep that line drawn clearly in the sand, because when that line got smudged as it was now, it was frankly overwhelming.
Kissing like that made it too easy to pretend that what they were doing was real. It became too simple to think that they were actually a happily married couple. When they kissed like that they could almost believe there was real emotion behind it, and neither of them wanted to believe that. After all, if they allowed themselves to delude themselves into thinking that there might be some real emotion behind their false relationship, then they might get attached to something the never existed in the first place, and that could only bring pain.
They were both all too aware that nothing good could come from loosing sight of the fact that this was just an illusion, a deception, a game that would eventually come to a most definite and permanent end.
And so they sat in the car, Cameron focusing all of her attention on the road as she flexed her fingers over the steering wheel in some indeterminable pattern. House meanwhile occupied himself by staring out the passenger window and into the cars surrounding them making up interesting back stories for the other drivers and their passengers.
They continued on like this for a good fifteen minutes before House decided he was sick of the awkward silence. He rooted around the floor of the back seat until he found what he was looking for, snatching Cameron's purse from where it sat hiding behind the passenger seat.
Sensing his movement, Cameron watched him discreetly in the rearview mirror as he dug through her black leather Kate Spade handbag. His face clearly displayed disgust as he pulled out a ratty half unwrapped tampon that had clearly seen better days as it had obviously been kicking around the bottom of her purse much too long. After throwing the offending feminine hygiene product over his shoulder and into the backseat, he finally found what he was looking for.
Pulling her white iPod video out of her purse he attached it to the adaptor already plugged into her cigarette lighter. Quickly scrolling through her music library he find the song he had discovered earlier while snooping through her computer and felt the need to revisit. As soon as the song began all the tension from Cameron's posture melted away as she started laughing whole heartedly. In return House simply looked at her with an evaluative expression on his face.
"Really Allison?" he asked critically. "Really?"
Unashamed, Cameron simply responded by singing along.
"I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes me feel so horny."
"I'm speechless," House said simply.
"What?" Cameron asked, as she stopped singing.
"I can honestly say that for the first time in a very long time, I have nothing to say. I just don't even know how to begin to respond to that," House said blinking twice slowly. "I suppose I can begin by saying I had no idea you felt this way. I guess I'm going to have to start watching myself when you're around Cuddy and her impressive derrière. It would be a terrible blow to my ego if you divorced me for my boss. Unless you let me watch of course."
Cameron laughed again as she explained with a smile. "I was in high school when this song initially came out and at the time, we all watched MTV religiously. And considering they only had, oh, seven videos in rotation at any given time, you couldn't help but to know them all by heart. Well that, and then there is that whole thing about the older brothers and guy best friends."
House considered this for a moment before shaking his head, one particular part of her explanation really standing out in his mind. "You were in high school when this song came out? I was already practicing and for several years at that point too. Way to make me feel old," he joked self-deprecatingly.
Cameron just leaned over the center console to give him a placating kiss on the cheek before turning her attention back to the road and the song.
"I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys…"
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"Shopping should be a four letter word," House muttered as they made their way through the parking lot and towards the mall.
"Last time I checked shopping had eight letters," Cameron replied un-phased by his bellyaching.
"Um hello, the infinitive is to shop," he scoffed obnoxiously, "four letters. And here I thought you were smart."
"Well pardon my mistake," she said sarcastically as she held the door open for him to walk through.
"I still don't know why you insisted that I come," House grumbled as he passed through the wall of filtered air which characterized the mall entrance. "The air in here dries out my skin," he complained dramatically.
"We'll stop by the Clinique counter before we leave and get you a nice moisturizer," Cameron replied giving him a pacifying pat on the arm. "And you seemed to come on your own, fairly willingly, if I do remember correctly," she reminded him with a sly grin.
However House didn't deign to respond to her sarcasm as he was distracted by the large costume shop that sprouted up every year for the Halloween season.
"Oh, that reminds me, I wanted to get some stuff to redecorate Cuddy's office," House said energetically as he began to detour towards the Halloween store.
Even though Cameron had quite a few stores on the agenda for the day, the Halloween store not being one of them, she simply rolled her eyes and went to follow him, knowing it would be futile to try to stop him. Sometimes he really did act like the children the costume shop was currently full of, as it was only three days before Halloween.
As always, House was able to quickly move through the crowd. Usually it was because people knew who he was and gave him a wide berth not wanting to get on his bad side, or to even make him aware of their existence at all. But even when in crowds of even people who didn't know him, strangers usually gave the man with a cane the right away. And even if they didn't, House had no problem whacking a few shins or smashing a few toes until he sent the correct message to the rest of the masses. However Cameron did not have the same luxury and found the path House forged quickly closing behind him, meaning that she had to weave in and out of last minute Halloween shoppers all on her own as she attempted to catch up to him.
"Here you are," Cameron said when she finally found him in the back of the store looking at the adult Halloween costumes.
"You know, I always did feel deprived that my parents never let me go to summer camp," he said handing her a package.
It was costume, if there was enough fabric involved to even call it that, and summer camp counselor one at that. It was comprised of crop top with the name Camp Pitchatent splayed across the chest, incredibly short red booty shorts, matching red knee socks, a whistle and a baseball cap.
"You're kidding right?" she asked raising an eyebrow humorlessly.
"Yeah, I bet you weren't the camping type. I bet you were more of a cookie seller, or a prep school girl," he said holding up a sexy girl scout uniform and a school girl uniform with equally short pleated skits and cropped spandex tops.
"I will have you know," she began snatching the costumes from his hands and restocking them in their proper spots, "that I was never a girl scout, I never went to private school, but I did in fact go to summer camp every year from the time I was eight until I was twenty one, six of those years as a counselor."
"So camp counselor costume it is," House said agreeably as he reached out for the costume that she had just put away only to have his hand slapped away.
"But you know what really concerns me out of this whole situation," she continued as if he had never interrupted, "is that you only picked out costumes depicting underage girls, when there are as equally as slutty costumes that don't. Such as this sailor costume or this referee or pirate -" Cameron paused from her rant as she was distracted by the costume. "Actually this pirate costume is kind of cute."
House looked over her shoulder at the picture of the costume she was holding. "That works for me too."
Cameron quickly put the costume away, fighting a blush that was threatening to creep up her cheeks.
"Oh come on, Halloween is the one night of the year that good girls get to get their inner skank on and not be judged for it. It's like a free skank pass," he needled. "I know you have an inner vixen pirate wench just dying to make an appearance."
"Didn't you want to get some fake vomit to stick on Cuddy's desk?" she asked picking up the aforementioned latex regurgitation from a display of other fake bodily fluids, eager to change the subject.
"Fine," House sighed heavily, knowing exactly what she was doing. "No pirate booty for me this year. But you know this is remarkably lifelike," he commented taking the barf and holding it up to the light. "Quick differential diagnosis, what made crash test dummy sick?"
"Honestly," Cameron said looking at it critically, "it looks like the time I puked after my ninth birthday party from an overabundance of Hawaiian punch, extra butter popcorn, Ju-Ju Bees and chocolate covered pretzels."
"Well that is just plain disgusting. I like it."
"You would," she replied teasingly before turning around and letting out a startled yelp as she came face to face with and rubber evil clown mask.
"What's wrong?" House asked.
Cameron had quickly whipped back around and was covering her eyes with one hand and pointing to the mask with the other. "I hate clowns. I mean really hate them," she admitted. "As in there is probably nothing more on this planet that I despise more than those maniacal freaks of nature."
"What," House asked taking the mask off the wall and waving it under her nose, "you mean you aren't a fan of Bozo? He just wants to make small children smile, make balloon animals and maybe eat your brains for breakfast."
"House," she said sternly snatching the mask and ripping it from his grip with surprising force and giving him a look that would make interns cry, "I mean it, I don't - like - clowns."
"I believe you," House replied holding his hands up in surrender, a wholly amused look plastered across his countenance.
"I'm going to go next door to the bookstore to see if they have that book Foreman mentioned he wanted," she informed him tersely as she slapped the mask against his stomach. "Meet me there."
"Yes ma'am," he saluted, letting the mask hang loosely from his hand.
Cameron just took one look at him and at the mask he held before shuddering and hurrying out of the store before she could have any more clown encounters. Leaving House alone to get some dangerous ideas.
A/N I know what you're probably all thinking… she made this huge fuss about how this was the chapter that never ended and its only 2600 some odd words long? Well that's because its actually over 7000 words and still growing, so what I thought was going to be one chapter is now split it up into three chapters because well the other two parts aren't completely done yet and I wanted to get this up… but let me know what you thought and I'll get the next one up ASAP…