And here's chapter 25!

Let me know what you think of it. I appreciate your opinions!

As always thanks to Irebporti for putting up with me

Chapter 25 – Internal Debates

BPOV

Carlisle came in and stood next to my bed, smiling a little.

"I talked to the doctors; you can leave in a few hours, Bella. I want someone to spend the night with you, though."

"That's not needed, Carlisle." The look on his face told me it was indeed needed.

"It is, Bella. You're not staying alone tonight. If that is what you are thinking about doing, I'll make sure you'll say here until the surgery."

"I will stay with her." I looked up at Edward, surprised by his offer.

"Very well. I'll tell the rest of the gang outside to go home. You need rest and quiet right now." Carlisle didn't even allow me to say anything else. He just smiled at me and walked out of the room leaving me alone with Edward.

I stood quiet for a few seconds biting my lower lip until Edward touched my face again and I looked up at him.

I was glad he wanted to stay with me but he didn't need to do it.

"Edward you don't need to do this. You don't need to take me home and..." He didn't let me finish.

"I know I don't. I just want to. Let me take care of you, Bella."

"Can't you understand that's exactly what I don't want you to do, Edward? I don't want you to put your life on hold to take care of me?"

"Put my life on hold? What life? I've been trying – I truly have – but I don't have a life without you on it and I'm certainly not giving up on anything to take care of you. I still have my job here, I have my family... What could I be giving up?" He stopped for a second before going on. "As a friend, Bella, let me take care of you. You need it and I want to do it. We might have been apart for a while but despite everything you're still my friend..."

I could let him do that, right? If the doctor was right and the surgery went well, he wouldn't have to give up anything to stay with me, would he?

He wouldn't have to take care of me for too long as I feared. If the surgery went well, I would be back on my feet quickly enough and then maybe, I could try to have him back.

On the other hand, if the surgery went badly, I would be a burden for him. Having broken up with him wouldn't mean anything; I would be doing exactly what I didn't want to do. I would be forcing him to give up on things he loved just to take care of me.

He wouldn't even have the choice to leave because I knew he would think of it as something he had to do.

I knew the selfish part of me would win this battle. I had spent more than five months, which seemed like two years, without Edward and there was that possibility I wouldn't make it through the surgery so I just wanted to be as close to him as possible.

It was so selfish but I was so weak already. If he was offering, even though we were not together anymore, it meant that keeping me company for a few days wouldn't screw his life up, right?

If he was offering to stay with me when there was no bound between us obliging him to do so. It was because he wouldn't mind, not because he had to.

I had to be optimistic and believe I would make it though the surgery without any problems and no one would have to give up on anything for me.

I nodded once and smiled at him.

"Thank you, Edward."

--

EPOV

After everything at the hospital was taken care of, I took Bella home. She fussed and fought with me when I picked her up so I could carry her into the apartment but she was so tired she had to eventually give up and let me do it.

Or maybe she let me do it because I blew up at her again, letting her know exactly how stupid I thought she had been. She went quiet after that, simply nodding when I asked her if she was okay.

I didn't want to fight with her and felt horrible after doing it but she had to realize what she had done.

I didn't think she had realized how much of a toll the day had taken on her before. She was actually swaying on her feet.

Once I did pick her up, I could immediately feel her body relax in my arms as she cuddled against my chest and so decided to take her straight to bed.

I was sure she could use the rest.

I placed her down on bed and she slowly moved so she was sitting at the edge. She rubbed her eyes once before looking up at me.

I hadn't realized how tired she was, myself. She had deep black bruises under her eyes and she was paler than usually.

It was a wonder how she was able to fight with me on the car about letting me carry her.

It truly had been a long day.

Knowing she would want to be comfortable right now, I started to move so I could give her a little privacy to get dressed but she grabbed my arm and shrugged, letting me know she was willing to let me help her now.

I knew this wasn't wise. I shouldn't do it, not when I still wanted her so damn much but she needed my help. She was actually silently asking for it.

I couldn't let her down.

I took a step towards her and with her help pulled her shirt off before reaching for her pajama's top.

I knew she didn't like sleeping with her bra on but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by taking it off, so I helped her put on her tank top before reaching behind her to unclasp the hook of her bra.

She smiled shyly at me and proceeded to take it off while I bent down to take her shoes off.

Shivers were running up and down my spine every time I touched her and I couldn't deny the fact I enjoyed being so close to her. I couldn't dwell on it too much, though. I had to concentrate on taking care of her and making sure she felt as comfortable as possible.

When I reached for the button on her jeans, she lifted her hips up from the mattress so I could pull them off.

I brushed her thighs when I was helping her put her pajama's pants on and saw her close her eyes for a second. I had to take a deep breath when I did so, trying to steady myself.

How could she still have such a strong influence over me?

When she was completely dressed, she lay down on her side, looking at me.

I pondered what to do next. I didn't want to leave her alone but I also didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by imposing my presence.

Luckily she seemed to know what I should do next.

"Can you stay here with me tonight, please? I don't want to sleep alone." I smiled at her and nodded reluctantly and then proceeded to take my jacket and pants off.

I couldn't say no and leave her alone, even though, I knew it was one of the stupidest thing I could do.

When my clothes were thrown on a chair she gestured for me to get under the covers with her. I wondered for a second if that was the wisest thing to do but even thought I knew it wasn't I moved to lie next to her anyway.

I too lay on my side and wrapped one arm around her, feeling her cuddle against my chest.

It was such an automatic gesture; I hadn't even fully realized I had done it…

"Thank you, Edward. You didn't have to do this."

"You're welcome." I lightly kissed the top of her head while letting her delectable smell take over me.

I briefly thought of all the nights we spent like this, in this same bed, with her cuddled in my arms while I kissed and caressed her skin.

I wanted more than anything to place my hand under her chin so I could pull her in for a kiss.

I wanted to whisper on her ear that I still loved her more than anything. That despite everything and against all logic, my whole world still revolved around her and only her. That all I wanted to do was to keep her safe and close to me forever…

When she lightly gripped my shirt and moved closer to me I started to make circles on her back with my hand and kissed the top of her head once again.

"Are you warm?" A slow nod was the only answer I got and as I started to hum her lullaby, like I used to do almost every night, she quietly drifted to sleep.

I didn't sleep that night, though. I just kept thinking about everything that was happening.

She knew about this for a long time…

She hadn't told me the truth when she should. She opted to lie to me instead.

Could I ever forgive her for that? For not thrusting me and for betraying my trust when I thought my love was secured with her?

No matter how much I still loved her, I didn't know if I could.

I didn't even know why I was thinking about that when she probably wouldn't even want to be with me again when all of this was over. She was just scared now and needed someone to support her…

I was being stupid. After all this was over she would tell me whatever it was she had to tell me and we would go on with our lives.

Nothing would change. She still wouldn't want me back and I would only end up hurt for getting so close to her again but I just couldn't leave her alone now.

I couldn't not be close to her...

Early in the morning, I decided I should get up and maybe make breakfast.

I got up as quietly as I could in order not to wake Bella up and got dressed before walking to the living room.

I almost expected her to have change something, move some things around, but she didn't. Everything was still the same…

The only difference from when I lived here was that the space where my books and CDs used to be was now empty. She hadn't placed anything there.

I wondered why…

My piano was still exactly the same as I had left it that day and I couldn't fight the urge to sit down and lightly run my fingers over the keys.

I missed playing it.

I missed standing in this room, playing the piano while Bella curled up in the coach in a book in her hand.

I missed seeing her smile when she recognized a song or hearing her telling me she thought I was good.

I missed being able to stop playing and join her on the couch. I wanted to still be able to wrap my arms around her, kiss her face, her lips, her neck, her cleavage…

I wanted to still be able to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom so we could finish what we had started…

Shaking my head, I got up and headed to the kitchen trying to forget those thoughts.

Those things would never happen again…

Bella didn't change anything in the kitchen either and so I easily found all I needed to make breakfast.

Before we left the hospital last night, Carlisle told me I should make sure Bella ate well and I intended to do it.

I was just finishing breakfast when Alice came in into the kitchen. She used her key not wanting to wake Bella up in case she was still sleeping, which she was.

"Hi."

"Hi," I greeted her while pouring us some coffee.

"Did she sleep well?" I turned around to look at Alice and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, come on! I know you slept here with her, Edward."

I shook my head and smiled a little. Alice, somehow always knew everything!

"She did. She was more tired than she realized."

"Yes, I can imagine. She had a seizure, after all. That has to take a toll on you..." I nodded while handing her the coffee. "You on the other hand, didn't sleep that well I can tell…"

"I didn't…"

"You've been over-thinking everything, haven't you?" She took a seat at the table in the kitchen and I sat down in front of her.

"I'm afraid I have." How could I not when everything was happening so fast and I could do nothing to prevent any of it?

"Well, at least now you know why she did what she did. It has to be better than wondering…" I furrowed my brow.

I didn't fully understand what she was trying to tell me.

"What do you mean?"

"Edward, this is why Bella broke up with you. She knew she was sick."

"I thought about that but it doesn't make sense, Alice."

"It doesn't but that's exactly what she did. She was scared and confused and she didn't want you to give up on anything to take care of her." I shook my head.

"That's ridiculous..."

"It's Bella we're talking about here, Edward. She had a very peculiar way of thinking." She did but the fact that she wouldn't want me to stay and help her didn't make any sense to me.

"There still has to be something else..." Alice sighed.

"She didn't tell you?"

"She tried to but I didn't let her." She seemed surprised.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to hear it now."

"You haven't forgiven her yet, have you?"

"It's not about forgiveness anymore, Alice. I'm afraid of what I'll hear when we do talk about it and..." I shook my head, not finishing my sentence.

It was not exactly about forgiveness. I could forgive her if she ever wanted that from me. It was about trust...

"Will you move to L.A when all of this is over?" I took a deep breath.

That still seemed like my best option. If Bella told me what I thought she would, I would definitely want to move away.

"Yes, I probably will." I expected her to say something to try to convince me to not do it, but she didn't. She just nodded.

"Yeah. You know, I can't believe she never told anyone about this." I just shook my head.

I was still mad at Bella for doing that, for not taking care of herself but after talking to her I understood a little more.

"She was scared, Alice." Alice nodded.

"I know but I wish she had told me. I could help her that way."

"Yes, but she still needs you so..." She smiled and nodded again.

"I know and I'm here for that! She will need you too, Edward."

"And I'm here as well. For as long as it is needed." She just needed to let me take care of her and I wouldn't leave until she was back on her feet.

After that… Well, after that we would see. I had a whole new life waiting for me in L.A. A whole new life I would have to get used to…

Alice stayed with us for a few more hours, until Bella woke up and they got the chance to talk.

I left them alone, not wanting to intrude but I was sure their conversation was centred on Bella apologizing for not telling Alice anything sooner.

BPOV

I tried to explain everything to Alice. Why I was afraid, why I didn't tell her anything… I could tell she was hurt but for most part she understood my point.

She also thought I was crazy and quite possibly stupid but I guess that by now and after the conversation I had with Edward that was a taken point…

I was quite surprised when he didn't go with Alice. I guess he was here to stay until later.

I was always waiting for the moment when he would leave, though.

I wondered if it would be when he found me sitting on the bathroom floor, throwing up but it obviously wasn't.

He would never leave while I was like this… Not even if I told him too.

"Bella, are you okay?" He pulled my hair back and sat down beside me on the cold floor.

I simply shook my head while trying not to cry and fighting the urge to scream and push him away. I didn't want him to see me like this.

When he lightly touched my face the tears started to fall down my face.

"I'm so tired, Edward. I don't want to keep doing this anymore." I almost expected him to tell me that if I had done what I should already, I wouldn't have to but of course he didn't.

He placed his hand under my chin, making me look straight at him.

"I know but it will all be over soon. After the surgery you'll be completely healthy again."

"Will I?" He smiled assuredly at me while tracing my face with his fingers.

It felt so damn good I didn't resist the urge to lean in against his touch. If he had held me last night, he wouldn't mind me doing this, right?

"So what do you say to a warm bath? I can get the water running for you, if you want." I nodded and smiled as best as I could.

I needed to brush my teeth first.

"Come on. Alice will be back soon and you know she'll bring everybody with her." I rolled my eyes and huffed. She definitely would.

"Is she still mad at me?" He shook his head while turning the water on.

"No. She's just a little worried but that's normal." I nodded at him as he left the bathroom so I could take my clothes off and get in the bathtub.

Only when my body was completely covered with soapy bubbles did he come back. He sat on the edge of the bathtub telling me what Carlisle had shared with him about my surgery.

He seemed confident. Too confident. I wasn't half as optimistic as he was.

What if something went terribly wrong and my worst fears came true? What would happen then?

Who would sacrifice everything just to take care of me? Would Edward be the one doing that even though that was the last thing I wanted him to have to do?

I shook my head, trying to clear my mind from those thoughts and simply concentrated on Edward's voice and how it was almost melodic.

I couldn't help but to notice that he kept his eyes on my face or in the wall behind me, never letting them trail down my body like he usually did.

As weird as it sounds, I almost wanted him to check me up. If for nothing else just so I could know that he was still a little bit attracted to me.

Of course he never did and I had to remind myself that our relationship now was only based on the fact that I was sick and that Edward was such a good guy he wanted to help me.

He was here to help me and nothing else.

He was here even though I hurt him beyond what I could imagine…