Jokes, Cliches, and Metaphors
Chapter 26: Guy School

Kohari: I'm using the same site as always. And all the Kai fans should really like this chapter - he plays a big part in this one. Even though he is a bit out of character...

"Ya know what?" Ray asked randomly.

"What?" the others couldn't help but ask. (Minus Kenny. He's not in this one.)

"We've done just about every topic for this fic," Ray observed. "We've talked about crazy philosophies, sick people, Driver's Ed, stupid people, messed up children's tales, weird answering machine messages, geeks, magic...

"So what's your point?" Kai demanded.

"We haven't talked about pick-up lines yet!"

"Oh!" everyone realized.

"I mean, guys have so much trouble nowadays finding the right lines to pick up chicks," Ray explained. "We should help them. As members of the male sex, it is our duty to help our fellow guys in their time of distress."

"No," Kai said flatly. "They can go it on their own. Haven't you heard of survival of the fittest?"

"Kai doesn't wanna do it 'cause he's not ready to admit he doesn't know any good pick-up lines," Tyson declared.

"Either that, or he knows the best ones and doesn't wanna share 'em," Max pointed out.

"So which is it, Kai?" Tyson pressed.

Kai refused to answer.

"We can make a Guy School without him, guys," Max concluded.

"We have searched the world over and have found the best pick-up lines," Ray began the introduction to Guy School. "These pick-up lines have been compiled into a chapter that you can conveniently print off and take with you, for whenever you might need them."

"We pride ourselves in using only the coolest and most efficient pick-up lines," Max added, but was interrupted by Tyson before he could say more.

"Papa Bear looked okay, Mama Bear looked a little better, but mmmmm, Baby Bear's lookin' just right!"

Max and Ray exchanged glances.

"Okay," Ray took it from there, "that was an example of something you should NOT say."

"That outfit is horrible - take it off right now!" Tyson went on.

"Again, something you should NEVER say."

Max couldn't keep himself from laughing. Tyson continued with other things like, "Your name's Sexy, right?"

Ray gave up, just telling the male readers that anything Tyson says is probably not a good pick-up line to use. Tyson was just revealing his latest, "Excuse me, but could you step into the light over there so I can check you out?", when Hilary walked in.

Kai took the initiative. "I hope your day has been as wonderful as your smile," he told her charmingly. Hilary blushed, giggling. "Would you mind holding this while I take a walk?" he asked, placing his hand in hers.

"Okay," she agreed, and they left together to stroll around the garden behind the dojo.

All jaws dropped.

"Wow. Kai's good," Max observed.

"Real good," Ray agreed. He then turned to the male members of the audience. "THAT is exactly what you need to do!" he instructed them, pointing at where Kai and Hilary had left.

"He took my girl!" Tyson got over the initial shock. "Just like that, he took my girl!"

"That's kinda what happens when other guys are more attractive than you," Max reminded him.

Kai returned with a few more women. "I picked up some volunteers to help with the Guy School thing," he told them, once again causing jaws to drop in amazement and jealousies to flare.

Tyson didn't waste any time. He scurried over to a pretty little blonde and said, "You smell - let's go take a shower!" This earned him a very hard slap, dealt immediately across his cheek. "How about I just ask you to a nice dinner, then?" Another slap.

"As if, pervert!" the blonde shouted, then started stomping out the dojo.

"As you can see," Ray took advantage of the situation, "Tyson's disgusting, insulting, and just plain wrong attempt did not work."

Kai stopped the blonde girl before she left. "I'll bet you $20 that I can kiss you without using my lips."

"You're on!" She had scarcely uttered the words before Kai took her into his arms and kissed her.

"Well, what do you know? I lost," Kai admitted, taking a twenty out of his pocket. The girl smiled and whispered something in his ear. Kai nodded and grinned back. She waved to him sweetly as she left.

"What'd she say?" Max, Ray, and Tyson were dying to know.

"She wanted to know if I'd meet her for dinner later," Kai informed them.

"Where at?"

"That'd be none of your business," Kai put them in their places.

"My turn!" Max reverted back to the original topic of picking up women. He picked a cute little redhead. "Hey, do you know how heavy polar bears are?"

"No," she replied. "How heavy are they?"

"Heavy enough to break the ice," he answered. "Hi, I'm Max."

"Heather," she gave him her name as she shook hands with him in greeting.

"Wow, you're so hot, the first four letters of your name spell heat," Max noticed.

"Right, well," Heather, already annoyed by Max, searched for an excuse to leave, "I need to go finish grocery shopping. Bye." She, too, left.

"Ouch," Tyson frowned.

"He looked like he had scored, but at the last second, he lost her," Ray inserted commentary.

"Let's see you do better," Max challenged him.

"Okay," Ray accepted. He walked over to a pretty brunette. "Hey, miss. My friends have been puzzling over a question, and we're wanting to know what you make of it."

"Alright," she agreed.

"I'm gonna need your hand. It makes it easier to visualize."

"Okay..." The brunetted gave him her hand. Ray took it palm-side-up.

"Here's a river," Ray began, tracing his finger along the two lines running across her palm. "On one side of the river is a big, juicy, yummy carrot," he set the scene, pointing to one side of the 'river.' "On the other, there's a hungry little bunny," Ray pointed to the other side of the 'river.' "How does the bunny get to the other side of the river so he can eat the carrot?"

The brunette thought it over. "I don't know," she admitted. "How does the bunny get to the other side of the river?"

"I don't know, either," Ray confessed. "I just wanted a chance to hold your hand."

"Aww," the brunette cooed, flattered. "That's so sweet."

"By the way, do you believe in fairy tales?" Ray asked her.

"Fairy tales don't really exist," she reminded him.

"I dunno about that. It looks like one's starting right now," he contradicted her, gazing into her eyes.

"It looks like he's got her, Max," Tyson whispered to his blonde buddy, who was steaming because Ray was holding out longer than he had.

All of a sudden, the brunette's phone rings. She checked to see who it was. "I'm sorry," she excused herself. "My boyfriend's calling."

Ray slapped himself on the forehead as Max and Tyson began laughing it up. "Do me a favor and tell your boyfriend he's a lucky guy!" he shouted to the brunette as she walked off, blabbing away on her cell phone.

"My turn again!" Tyson called it. He pranced over to another brunette. "Hey, Hershey's makes millions of kisses in one day. Can I get one from you?"

"Sure," the girl replied. As Tyson closed his eyes and puckered up, she took his hand and placed a silver foil-covered Hershey Kiss into his hand. "There ya go." Seeing Tyson's expression, she added, "You can't say you didn't get what you asked for."

"You'll have to excuse my friend," Ray pleaded, approaching. "He's an idiot. But I understand. Your smile is too beautiful to waste on someone like him."

"Hey!" Tyson protested.

"Could you spare one for me?" Ray asked. "I've had a really bad day, and it always makes me feel better to see a beautiful girl smile."

The brunette couldn't help but smile at that remark. "By the way," Ray went on, shoving Tyson away, "did you know I could read palms?"

"Oh, really?" she played along.

"Yeah. I'll show you. Let me see your palm." As she gave him her hand, Ray whipped a pen out of his pocket and wrote his phone number on her palm. "It says here that you're gonna call me soon!"

"I'm dyslexic," she informed him, no longer smiling.

Ray apologized and retreated. Max tried his hand at winning her over. "Hey, miss. I just wanted to give you the pleasure of turning me down. Go ahead and say no. Will you go out with me?"

"No," she answered.

Max snapped his fingers in agitation and rejoined Ray and Tyson. Kai finally went over to her.

"Listen, you're a good-looking girl. You've probably heard just about every pick-up line in the book, so why don't you just go ahead and tell me the ones that worked so we can get past all that?"

"Are you allowed to do that?" Max asked Ray.

"Apparently."

Long story short, Kai got the girl's number and she went home.

"Of course," Kai informed all the guys reading this, "the best way to get a girl is not to use pick-up lines. The wrong ones will just chase the girl away. If you do choose to use a pick-up line, use a respectful one. Those are the ones most likely to work. Now get back to training!" he commanded Max, Ray, and Tyson, who immediately started doing push-ups.

Kohari: Being a girl, I've never tried any of these out. So guys, if you use any of these, you do so at your own risk. But here's a little bit of advice. The bunny one is the most likely to work (unless the girl's already heard it before). A close second is the one Kai used at the end. But, honestly, my advice is not to use pick-up lines at all. They're kind of annoying. That's just my opinion, though. I don't really know what all the other girls in the world think. Anyways, review, everyone!

Proofread? Nope.