26

Two weeks later

She clutched the brown envelope that her doctor had handed her as written proof, tears streaming down her face. Elliot was beside her, his hand clasping hers tightly but she couldn't look him in the face. The DNA results proved that the baby had been Elliot's, not her attacker's. She was devastated. The fear and trepidation at what exactly had been growing inside her had all been for nothing. The enormity of it was hitting hard and she wondered again if it wasn't in part her fault. If she had been in a better frame of mind, if she had really wanted the baby, loved it as it deserved to be loved, maybe she wouldn't have lost it? She knew deep-down that miscarriages were common, even more so at her age, but even so, she couldn't help but blame herself. Then another devastating thought hit her: she still didn't know for sure if she had been raped or not. It dawned on her then that perhaps she never would know and she really wasn't sure if she could live with that.

…

It was already growing dark as they returned home. As soon as they got inside the apartment, she headed straight to her bedroom. He asked her if she wanted him to get her anything, but she told him she needed some space to think alone. He stood outside the bedroom door certain he could hear her crying, but unsure what to do, since she had been so adamant about her need to be on her own.

"Liv," he called finally, unable to stand it any longer. "I'm coming in, OK?"

There was no reply, which he took to mean as agreement, kind of, so he nervously pushed the door open.

She had drawn the curtains and the room was almost completely dark. She was lying curled up on the bed, the picture of abject misery and it almost broke his heart to see her like that. He went straight over to her and perched down on the bed beside her, placing a hand gently on her back. He felt her tense involuntarily as he touched her.

"Liv, please, talk to me," he begged. He was at a loss. He had no idea what he could possibly say to comfort her. He was upset about the whole thing himself. It had been his child too. They had both lost something so precious and they still had no definitive answer to the big question that neither of them could forget.

"Please leave me alone," she begged desperately, but he shook his head.

"No, I'm not going anywhere," he told her adamantly. "Let me hold you." Hearing no verbal resistance, he lay down beside her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her as tightly as he could without hurting her. Her whole body was shaking from the force of her sobs and she suddenly grasped him and clung to him so hard that he was certain her vice-like grip on his upper arms would leave dark bruises. He didn't complain.

After a while her sobs gradually subsided and her grip loosened. He stroked her hair gently, saying nothing, waiting for her to say something in her own time. After a few more minutes of silence, she finally spoke.

"I want to try for another baby right away, El," she said decisively. He hadn't been expecting her to bring up the subject again so soon. She was looking at him with such fervour in her eyes that he knew she was deadly serious.

"Liv…" he began nervously.

"I'm serious," she added.

"I don't know…" he stammered. It was hard to know what to say. He didn't want to upset her, but he definitely didn't think trying for a baby was the best idea right now given everything she had been through recently.

"You don't want one with me, do you?" she asked miserably.

"No, it's not that," he replied quickly.

"Then let's do it!"

She suddenly leaned in to him and placed her lips to his, roughly.

"Liv, what are you doing?" he asked, pulling away and placing his hands on her shoulders to hold her back.

"What does it look like?" she asked. She wriggled from his grasp and started to remove her top.

"I'm ready El. I want this."

Despite himself, he was unable to prevent his gaze from falling to her chest and noticing the way her black lacy bra accentuated her breasts so perfectly. He could already feel the stirrings of an erection beginning.

"You want it too, don't you?" she said, grinning at him teasingly. She leaned back in and started kissing him again and this time he relented and returned the kiss. He tried kissing her the way they always did, gently but passionately. Usually they worked together, moving in unison and taking their time, but this time her movements were rough and it felt forced. He reluctantly pulled his mouth away, but she immediately shifted her attention to his neck, sucking and kissing him roughly, making him feel desperation rather than passion.

Once again he pulled her back from him. "Liv please, let's just talk for a minute," he said, worried. She really wasn't herself. She had been through so much and he didn't want her rushing into things and making anything worse.

"Just shut up and kiss me," she said, smiling, but there wasn't the usual twinkle in her eye. Even so, he asked himself if maybe he was thinking too much. She seemed to want this and she was a fully grown woman, capable of making her own decisions. Maybe he should just go along with it? He had missed their physical relationship so much. He missed being so close to her, being inside her, feeling like they were one in those precious moments where they were physically joined. He badly craved the intimacy again.

So he removed his top and then he reached for her, pulling her towards him tenderly, clamping his mouth down on hers and thrusting his tongue inside eagerly, hoping to lead her into the type of kiss they usually both enjoyed. It had been so long since they had kissed like this, since he had felt her naked skin against his. As his tongue explored her, he could feel her hands wandering over his chest and around his back and then edging their way downwards towards his pants, playing with the rim for a mere few seconds with her fingers, before she started edging them inside. It was moving much more quickly than he had anticipated. He suddenly felt incredibly nervous again. He couldn't help thinking that she had got it into her head that a baby was the answer to everything and this felt more like a means to an end rather than an attempt at real love-making.

Her hand was now deep inside his pants and he could sense her disappointment at his softness. She clamped her hand around him, trying to stimulate him, but it was no good. He knew he couldn't force himself to do this. He felt like he would be taking advantage of her if he went through with anything while she was obviously still so emotionally distraught. He wanted to make love to her, not be a participant in her forcing herself to have sex in order to have the baby she was suddenly so desperate for.

He reached down for her hand which was stroking him and he clasped it gently and guided it upwards towards his mouth and kissed it softly.

"Don't you want to?" she asked, tears glistening in her eyes at what she obviously was seeing as a huge rejection.

"Of course I do, Liv. I just don't think you do, not really. Not yet anyway."

"How do you know what I want?" she snapped, her harsh tone surprising him a little.

"Oh come on, it's like you're on a mission," he retorted. "What happened to foreplay, huh?"

Embarrassed she tried to turn her head, but he placed his hand against her cheek and refused to let her look away.

"Liv, I love you. Believe me when I say that. I want to make love to you, more than anything. Just not now, OK?"

He watched as the silent tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"Please don't cry," he said, pulling her head towards him, cradling her gently.

"You're right," she sniffed after a few moments. "I'm nowhere near ready, am I?"

"But you will be," he soothed her.