AN: Meant to update sooner, sorry. Hope ya like it.
"Addie, what about what you said last-." I get cut off from finishing my sentence with her speaking and I suddenly smell roses because she is so close to me now, even though she had just bathed before coming back down here earlier.
"I know what I said." she replies and my eyes flit to her parted lips and I look from her irises to her lips one more time before I feel her lips on mine and I don't hesitate to kiss her back.
Although I'm confused about why we're kissing right in this moment, and how I think that we had more to speak about I kiss her back and by instinct my hands go to her back and I feel hers move to my neck and tangle in my hair all while her lips are making movements with mine. I somehow found the heart to break away from the kiss and when I open my eyes I see her pair sitting on me while her warm hand had moved to my cheek where it now sits. I can faintly hear her breathing while her eyes work their wonders on me and we both seem to be confused and maybe shocked too.
"Addie, I want us to decide if we're going to be together still before we let anything else happen." I announce and her hands fall from my body and mine from hers and we sit back a little with our faces now more than two inches away from the others like they were before.
"I want to be with you, Paul, but again I'm just scared that the fighting might come back and that we'll break up again." she tells me with help of her eyes that hold so many emotions in them.
"It won't be like last time. I promise, Addie. We can change things for the better and continue to be happy like we have been these past five, almost six days." I comment and her eyebrows fall into a sad look and I let out a shaky breath kind of as my response to that as I think of what to say or if she is going to say anything.
"I don't want to be hurt again. I know that I was the one who did the breaking up between us, but it wasn't easy for me to get over you. I thought about you every day for weeks, for months. I missed you more than I ever have before and I missed you a lot while you were gone in Hamburg, believe me," I don't notice her pause as I'm staring into the kitchen and I look back to her to see her tearing up, the sensitive girl. "It was a good relationship in the beginning, but in the end it was a bad one, and we both know that it was. We didn't stay loyal to the other and I'm sure that the lines of being faithful weren't kept, Paul. I just don't want to go through all of that hurt again that I did when we broke up."
"But it was seven years ago, Addie. I've changed and you changed. We're not immature teenagers anymore who now have jobs, a place to live and an independent life of their own. We already decided that we were going to give this another go, please don't bail on me now." I mumble sadly to her and I turn to face the table and I rest my arms on my legs while I'm hunched over somewhat with thoughts racing in my head.
"I don't want to hurt you, don't you know that?" she comments sadly with the tears that I know are going to come soon since they're hinting in her voice.
"I don't want to hurt you either, Addie, but I want to be with you so badly. You came back into my life at the best time a couple of days ago." I reply while I don't look at her or into her eyes that make it harder to say what I want to say and know what I have to say.
"I love you, Addie. I've had such a hard time telling the girlfriends I've had since you that." I mutter while the strong tears well up in my eyes and and they escape from my eyes and I sigh loudly while my lip quivers. I bloody hate crying.
"I've had the same problem too."
I don't say anything in response to what she just said as I don't bother to mop up the tears from my cheeks while I think about how I never thought that it would come to this. We were together and things were looking good for us just two days ago and somehow in the last day things shattered and now they're in a hundred places that I don't know how to put back together or where I should even start with that hard task.
"Can't we just take this chance, Ads?" I ask her as I turn my head to look at her solemn face that has a frown on it, tears staining her gorgeous oval of a face and her lips that are unsmiling like I've been finding them lately.
"Please? We were just kissing a minute ago. Why can't you just have some hope that things will get better and not be like how they used to be? I know that I can be hard to be around and that I'm not perfect, but I'm not any more perfect than other man in this world. I have bad temper, I know that, and that I yell and have a hard time containing my anger. I know that because of me being in a band I'm not around a lot, but we're not touring anymore so that's something," I take a pause as my eyes are locked on hers. "I missed you more than I'd probably like to admit these last seven years and I thought about you. You'd come to mind when I saw something that'd remind me of you. I'd see licorice at the store, your favorite candy or hear Mr. Sandman by Dickie Valentine on the radio or in the record store, your favorite song. I always wondered how you were doing and if you had married and most importantly if you're happy. I secretly hoped that maybe we would run into the other and get talking again, but I didn't think it would be this hard or mean so much to me if we were to get back together." I finish and I had shed some more tears during my sentences there that are addressed to her as I stare at the table.
"I love you. I want to make you happy, and laugh. I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. I want for you to be my best friend again. I want to actually get to know the real Addison Mitchell. I want to stop missing you. I don't want to be away from you any more than I have to be. I want to make everybody jealous because we're happy and in love. I want to spend my nights with you sitting somewhere maybe under the stars or in front of a fire with my arm around you and us being happy together. I want to take this risk together to be a couple again. I want to be that shoulder you cry on after a long day that was rough and where you just wanted to come home to me and tell me all about it. I just want you, Addie. Isn't all of that enough for you to see that I've changed and that I'm going to really try to make this work with you a second time around?" I conclude and I take in a deep breath after rambling all of that out and I cover my face with my hands to cry. I don't want to cry, but it feels like the only thing that feels right now.
I look over to Ads herself and she looks incredibly frustrated as well as sad with one hand on her face as she stares at her feet and I wait for her to say something as an answer, but she doesn't.
"I can't sit here any longer waiting for you, Ad. But I need an answer from you, and a good one at that. I think I deserve at least that." I announce and I leave the couch I had sank into during these past almost three hours and I get my shoes on and I don't bother to look back before I walk out the door to get in my car and speed away into the early night as the sun begins to set. I hope I didn't just blow it with her again, but I tried to settle things for the good.
I drove home and spent the rest of my lonely night with cuddly Martha who listened to my ramblings and licked at the tears on my cheeks as we spent the night on the couch with her as my ears to talk to and have somebody to listen to me.
"I love her, Martha. I think she loves me, but she keeps on changing her mind and it's really messing me up." I tell the dog and I move my head to look at the pet who stares up at me with those black eyes of hers.
"I don't know what to do, girl. I don't know if there's anything I can do. I reckon that now I just have to give her time to make her decision, but I'm not sure how much more waiting I can do," I take a pause. "Ah, love really hurts. Never fall in love with a boy dog, okay, Martha? You're just going to be my girl forever and ever." I finish and I turn to lay on my other side and I drape my arm over her slightly matted coat and she yawns.
"Ugh, you need to brush those teeth of yours and get some mouthwash, girl. I'm sorry, but I don't think any boy dogs would want to be kissing you right now with that breath of yours, darling." I tease her and I grin and briefly laugh as I comb my tan fingers through the thick fur of her coat that is hard to keep free of tangles.
I sigh and rest my head on the pillow and I glance to the shut off telly that I would turn on to occupy my thoughts and time for the being, but I turned it on earlier and nothing good was on unfortunately. I fall asleep on the couch later that night with the sheepdog cuddled up to me and she proved to become a good pal and an even good listener as well as cuddle buddy over the next week while I hanged out at home writing songs, playing my music, and sitting by the phone thinking that maybe just maybe I'd hear from Addie but I didn't get anything.
My days turned out to be nothing special and nothing to relay into a journal or to a friend with a happy smile, because I just spent them at home with my dog and with my guitar and then I spent the last five at the studio. I talked on the phone a few times with John about studio stuff and then I finally broke the news to him about what's going on between Addie and I.
"I hope I have this right. She said she wasn't sure if you two should be a couple anymore and then while you were having this big life talk she kissed you and then she was having doubts again while you were pouring your heart out to her?" John replies into the phone while I sit on the arm of the couch with a ciggie between my first and second finger of my left hand.
"You could call that a brief summary of what went on, I guess you could say." I reply as I blow out the smoke between my lips.
"Are you mad at her? If you are I don't blame you at all, mate."
"I'm not sure, really. I don't want to be mad at her 'cause if things don't turn out for us in the end, then I don't want me being angry with her to make me moving on any harder. I'm frustrated and mad about the whole situation though 'cause I'm willing to try and go to all of these lengths for her, but now she can't stick with a decision. Plus I have hardly anything to go off from about where we stand and how good my chances are with her right now." I answer him and I raise my hand to take a pull off the cigarette.
"You love her, I know that damn well and you're not one to give up easily. Hell I've known that you love her for over eight bloody years and I had a feeling that you never fully got over her." he mumbles and I briefly hear voices in the background that probably belong to Cyn and Julian.
"I'm just so confused with what I should do. I don't want to put more pressure on her, but two days has felt so long to me already." I end my words with a sigh and I empty my ashes into the tray on the coffee table. Why does love to be so hard this time around when I've already declared my love out loud for her and to her?