A/N – Finally we get to learn about something that happened to Veronica while he was gone. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks after you read this chapter. And I'm sorry that it's sort of a shorter chapter than some of the ones lately have been, but this seemed like the best place to cut it.
As always, thanks for all the support and for continuing to read along.
Disclaimer: All original VM characters belong to Rob Thomas.
Chapter 26
The hot water in the hot tub actually did very little to relieve the tenseness in Logan's muscles. He was sitting with his back toward the house, staring out toward the moonlit ocean. He was trying not to be angry with Veronica given what she'd said outside the hotel, but he was still frustrated that even though she knew how badly he wanted her to open up and talk to him that she wouldn't. He had left the jets off when he climbed in so he could hear the waves crashing against the shore. He was hoping the soothing sound of the ocean would help relieve some of his anxiety and frustration. He tried focusing on only the waves, but his mind wouldn't let him stop obsessing over her. He'd almost forgotten how skilled she was at compartmentalizing things and how well she used to be able to manipulate his feelings for her. He had no doubt now that she'd opened up about the case so he'd feel like she was opening up to him and not push for more. He could see it in her expression when they'd come in from the car.
He'd only been out there about 5 minutes when he heard the door open and close. He kept staring out toward the ocean and didn't turn to look at her. He knew he had very little control if she were to look at him that one particular way and he really didn't want to just get lost in his desire for her and then let her continue to hurt him. That was the main reason he'd retreated out to the hot tub to try to put some physical space between them. He could see her shadow as she walked toward him with the lights from the house illuminating her petite figure from behind.
"Can I join you?" She asked softly.
He still didn't turn to look at her when he answered. He gazed down at the water and nodded. "Of course."
She climbed in next to him and he briefly saw a flash of red out of the corner of his eye as she sat down, so he knew she was wearing something different than the night before, but he didn't trust himself enough to turn and look. He sunk a bit farther down and closed his eyes and leaned his head back so his neck was resting on the edge of the hot tub. After a few minutes, he felt her hand press against his cheek and he took a deep breath. He slowly opened his eyes and turned his head so he could look at her.
"Logan I came back out to Malibu with you because I wanted to spend time with you, not fight with you." She said it with a sad expression on her face, as she looked intently into his eyes.
"We're not fighting," he replied softly and closed his eyes again. Seeing her sad, even if he was still disappointed with her was just too hard and he knew he'd likely just fold again and let her get away with whatever she wanted.
"Yeah, but we weren't really spending time together either with you avoiding me out here." She gently stroked his cheek with her thumb. She moved her thumb from the soft skin right below his eye down along where his beard was. She ran her fingers through his facial hair which tickled slightly and he tried not to think about how good having her nails lightly scrape over his skin felt. He didn't want to let himself think about how amazing it felt the night before when those fingers had touched almost every inch of his body. If he thought too much about it, he knew he'd just get consumed by passion and then they'd just be back to exactly the same point that they had been that morning in no time at all. He had no doubt that she'd continue to just go along without telling him the truth as long as possible if he didn't push her given how she'd been so far. And if he couldn't push her into talking yet, then keeping his distance was the only other thing he could do.
He blew out a deep breath and sat back up and scooted away from her. "I don't want to fight with you, but I'm still not happy that you won't tell me anything about what happened to you. I was completely honest with you about Gabriela, and you won't… you won't tell me anything Veronica. I know you asked me to be patient, and I'll try but that doesn't just change how I feel about all of this." He paused for a moment before unintentionally lashing out at her again. "I told you how I feel and all you've done in return is tell me how it couldn't work between us, though not why… and then immediately turned around and slept with me before bolting back to LA." Apparently patience and understanding aren't things I excel at. He closed his eyes again and clenched his jaw. He opened his eyes a moment later and looked back down at the water and not at her.
He could see her moving again out of the corner of his eye. She gently put her hand under his chin and lifted his head up so he'd look at her again. She took a deep breath and put on a steely expression. "Ask away. Ask anything you'd like… but keep in mind you may not like the answer."
He sighed and shook his head slightly. God why does she have to make this so hard and make me feel so guilty about wanting to know. Even though the roles are reversed I still feel as bad as I did when she was wanting the same thing from me all those years ago when we were in college. But if I don't ask, I know she's never going to just volunteer any information. He took a deep breath. "Were you married Veronica?" She looked a little surprised but shook her head. "Engaged?" She bit her lower lip and nodded, pulling her hand away from his chin and crossing her arm across her chest, resting her right hand on her left shoulder. Her other arm wrapped around her stomach and grabbed the opposite elbow hugging both arms close to her body.
"What happened?" He wasn't sure if that's what caused her to be more jaded and cynical but if it didn't work out, he'd already decided it seemed like a likely source of that. And her physical reaction seemed to be a sure sign that it hadn't turned out well. Her expression had also become much more troubled and sad when he asked. As soon as he really took in her full reaction, he couldn't help but reach out and pull her onto his lap, letting out a deep sigh as he kissed her forehead and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Is it okay to let my resolve crumble now if she's going to actually start talking to me?
She took a deep breath and leaned her head against his shoulder before she started to respond. "I was working undercover at a newspaper in LA and made the mistake of getting too close to a guy who was also a photographer for the paper." She shook her head slowly, "I knew it was a bad idea, since I was working on a case… but he…" She sat back up and bit on her lip for a moment before continuing. She ran a hand up through his hair and then down to his cheek, before gently caressing her fingers over his eyebrows too. Her eyes traced the movement of her fingers and then looked intently into his eyes glancing back to the path they'd just taken as she started to talk again. "He had light brown hair, and soft hazel eyes..." She looked at him so sadly and then shook her head again before continuing with her eyes closed. "He was so charming, and a little snarky, and he…" She opened her eyes again and gave him a sad smile as a few tears ran down her cheek. "He reminded me so much of you, and I realized… I realized I missed you so much when I was around him…" A small sob escaped and she paused to get control of herself again. A few more tears ran down her cheek and he reached up and gently brushed them away.
"But I thought… I thought you were happy in Brazil… There were also some pictures of you and Gabriela from when Victoria went to Sau Paulo… and you… you looked so happy with her." She paused again and bit her lip nervously for a few seconds before continuing. "It was so easy… so easy to just play the role of Lindsey and let him fall in love with her… with me… because it was Lindsey and not Veronica." She took a deep breath again before she continued. "He was so passionate and impulsive… and I found myself wanting to just be impulsive too… It made me feel young and happy again… and after a couple of months he proposed. And I thought… I thought maybe it could work…" She paused, probably thinking back to that time again, before she continued. "I felt so bad… you know… that he didn't even really know who I was… I knew… I knew I needed to tell him the truth and had planned to…"
Her expression changed from sad to more troubled again. "We thought… we thought we'd identified all the suspects in the case but… but we hadn't…" She shook her head. "I think I just wanted to be happy so badly that maybe… maybe I just ignored things I should have noticed…" She paused again, her voice had cracked a bit again and she stopped to regain her composure. "I was going to tell him who I really was… and then… and then I found something I wasn't supposed to see…" Her hand went up to her shoulder again, but this time he noticed her thumb was tracing over the scar. She swallowed hard before she continued. There were still a few tears rolling down her cheeks. "He some how found out I was an FBI agent before I told him… he thought... he thought I'd been after him the entire time… I guess… I guess maybe I was, but I didn't even know it... or just didn't want to believe it because he reminded me so much of you." She paused again and then shook her head slowly. "There was a… he's the one who shot me."
"I'm so sorry Veronica," He pulled her into his chest and held her tightly, placing one hand on the back of her head and the other around her shoulders. I should have been there. I should have never left. I should have been there to protect her. He felt her sob softly against his chest and slowly shake her head. She wrapped her arms around him as well.
"It's not your fault… you don't need to apologize…" She said softly against his chest after a few moments. He placed a kiss to her head and kept holding her tightly.
"But if I'd come back…" He took a deep breath. "If I'd known you missed me… or if you'd called… you know I would have come back, right?" He felt her nod against his chest. "I'm so sorry that happened to you." He kissed her softly on the top of her head again. They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Logan was still trying to process through everything she'd told him. She'd stopped sobbing, and for a little while the only sounds he could hear were her light breathing and the waves crashing against the shore.
"It's my fault Logan. I'm the one who put myself into that position, not you." Her voice was partly muffled against his chest. "And it's been quite a while now since it happened. I guess… I guess I just try not to think about it anymore." He could understand now why she didn't really want to talk about it, but was relieved that she finally did.
"Did they catch him?" Logan asked after a few minutes, trying to keep the edge of anger out of his voice. Because if they didn't I'm going to track down the son of a bitch myself.
She sat back up looking at him and nodded, then ran her hand across his cheek. She placed a kiss to his lips and left her forehead against his for a moment before leaning back a bit again. He couldn't help but look at her with a worried expression. He slowly reached up and lightly ran his fingers over her scar again and then tipped his head and placed a few soft kisses there before sitting up again. She studied his face carefully for a few moments before she spoke again. "I'm sorry your relaxing dip in the hot tub didn't turn out very relaxing." She gently ran her fingers across his furrowed brow and gave him a small apologetic smile.
He shook his head. "You don't need to apologize. Thank you for telling me… about what happened." He tried to look less angry and upset but wasn't sure he was succeeding. He'd had no idea when Mac had told him she was shot that it was by someone who had claimed to love her enough to propose to her. No wonder she is even less trusting than she had been before. But she has to know I'd never do anything to hurt her... Who am I kidding… even though I never physically hurt her, I emotionally tore her apart when she found out about Madison, not to mention everything I did to her when we were in high school.
She smiled grimly, but continued to study his face. "Do you want to share what's going through that pretty head of yours now with me?" She raised an eyebrow at him as she asked.
He smirked slightly and then gazed down at the water again. His smirk was replaced by a troubled scowl. "Besides wanting to ram my first into that bastard's face?"
He looked up at her for a moment and noticed that she was biting her lip with a troubled look on her face again. All of a sudden something clicked into place. She'd wanted him to leave before because he'd caused a mess by trying to defend her. And here they were almost back in the same place as if no time had passed, just a different target for his anger to focus on. Is that why she said her life was too complicated to get involved with me? Maybe it isn't so much her life that's complicated as it is me being in it because of who I used to be. I've got to try to fix this and not seem like the hot headed teenager I was when I left. "I'm sorry. I meant… I'm really glad that he was arrested." He tried to look like he was being sincere, but doubted she was probably completely buying it. She knew him too well and knew how protective he had always been. But it was partly true at least.
She raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. "Logan..." Her voice had that warning, suspicious tone that he was never very fond of.
He brushed some strands of hair out of her face and gave her a half smile. "I'll leave the doling out of justice to the experts. Those authoritative types that carry badges and guns… especially the petite blonds that look extremely hot doing so."
She smiled playfully at him and he couldn't help but smile back and lean in for another kiss. This kiss was a bit deeper than the prior one and he took a deep breath and moaned lightly when they were done.
"Ready to go back inside?" She asked a little breathlessly after the kiss. Her forehead was still leaning against his and he could feel her soft warm breath ghosting across his lips.
He smiled and nodded. "Why don't you head upstairs and I'll take care of everything down here."
"Are you sure you don't want me to wait for you," she asked with a questioning look on her face.
He shook his head and smiled, "Nope, I've got it. I'll be up in a little bit."
She smiled and nodded. "Okay. Don't be too long."
He took another deep breath and then smiled back and nodded in return. He watched her climb out and grab her towel. He couldn't help but take in the sight of her in the tiny red bikini she was wearing. She must have noticed his gaze and gave him a coy smile before turning and walking back into the house.
He sat in the hot tub for a few more minutes before he climbed out. He was thinking back over everything that had happened and all the things she'd said. In some ways it definitely helped explain some of her behavior. He could understand why she'd be less likely to trust people she didn't know well, but she knew him and it still didn't make sense to him how what had happened with that asshole would make her not trust him. Was it because of the things I did when we were younger? Am I still doomed to continue to pay for all the stupid things I did that I can never take back, even though I'd spent time trying to make amends before? He still wasn't able to completely make sense of all her reactions. Then a sickening thought struck him. If he reminded her of me, does that mean I remind her of him now? Is that why she's so uncertain she could really be in a serious relationship with me again? Why she keeps trying to keep me at arms length and not let me get too close to her? Is that why she didn't want to come back to bed last night after we had sex? He ran his hand nervously through his hair as he thought about the implications of what that might all mean. The anxiety started eating away at him the more he thought about it. It seemed like a logical theory given what had happened to her and how she'd been acting.
He eventually climbed out and covered the hot tub before going inside and locking all the doors. He turned the security system on and headed up the stairs.