"Damon's going to be so angry with me, you've got no idea, but I had to come and see you, even if it means I'm at risk of him finding me. I'm scared. Not of dad necessarily, although I am scared of that too, but just of everything. I'm not sure if that even makes any sense. I don't know who I am anymore and everything feels so crazy and surreal. You'd hate me if you saw me now; you'd be so fucking disappointed. But I don't know what to do. You never told me what to do after I turned, other than to kill dad of course. You never explained what to do if I didn't turn into a complete monster, if I still cared, and if I met people that made me feel worthwhile again. I… I care about Damon mom, and Stefan. I know it's wrong, I do, but that doesn't seem to make any difference anymore. What do I do? Should I run away, forget them all and find dad again once he's moved on to a different town, one where no one knows who we are? I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I whispered desperately, my cheeks wet from my hot tears and my knees damp from the dewy grass.
I ran my fingertips over the engraving of my mother's name on the gravestone, whimpering at how cold and uncomforting it felt. I just wanted to hear some reassurance from her. I needed her to tell me I wasn't messing everything up. I needed to know I wasn't failing her. I couldn't bear to disappoint her, not after I hadn't been able to save her.
"I've thought about killing again and trying to shut it all out. I know you need me to become the monster I truly am. I would have been happy to do it before, but I like my life right now mom, even though it is completely fucked up and a kill-or-be-killed situation. I know I'm an abomination, trust me I do, and I hate myself for that. I also still want to kill dad; I promised you I would and I'm not going to let him get away with what he did to you. But why do I have to kill myself if I'm able to keep myself in control? Damon has been giving me blood bags, so I don't have to kill anyone. I'm not hurting anyone mom. I know it's not ethical to steal blood from a hospital, I know they need it, but it's better than the alternative isn't it? I love the sensation of ripping into someone's neck and feeding straight from the vein, but I don't have to do it. I don't want to want to do it. You never told me how much I'd enjoy killing. To be honest, I don't think you thought about how much the entire ordeal would torture me at all. You were obsessed mom; all you thought about was killing dad. In the end, I don't think you even cared about me anymore; I was just a chess piece you were using to achieve your own ends. I was too devoted to you at the time to realize it, but Damon said something to me the other day about how wrong you'd been to make me do all this; I'd never even thought before about whether any of this was fair. You brainwashed me. You made me think that killing dad was the only thing in the world that mattered. You made me obsessed."
I took a deep breath, terrified to be standing up to my mother even though she had no way of replying. As much as I had always loved my mum, she had a wicked temper and arguing with her was something to always avoid. After she died I think I had forgotten about all her flaws and turned her into some sort of martyr heroine. I suppose that's what happens when someone dies; in our grief we turn them into someone better.
"I became so cold and hollowed out when you first died. It was like I wasn't even a person anymore, let alone me. I couldn't face my emotions or the fact you were dead, so I focused on killing him instead. It was the one job you'd given me. It was my fault you were dead, I'd been too much of a coward to do anything, so I knew I couldn't fail you on this one thing. It frightens me to even think about what I was like in those first few months, mechanical and ghostly. I cut everyone off, I went to bars in the middle of the night to seduce men, I worked out, I learnt to fight, I slept, I ate, I showered; it was just one long rotation, day in day out. I tried so hard to make sure I'd succeed. I thought it would be as simple as that and once I turned I'd just kill him. You never said quite how hard it'd be. You never prepared me for the fact that I would wake up in the presence of my creators. You never mentioned them sticking around and making me care about them, making me feel again. Did you know this was going to happen? Or did you just not care? I'm beginning to think you didn't care about me at all." I ranted, my chest tight with emotion.
I sighed at the silence I received in reply and slowly laid back onto the grass. I stared up at the midnight sky and shivered as I felt the moisture of the ground soak through my clothing. There were no stars tonight, only a wispy fog that curled and danced amongst the hazy moon. It felt like so long since I'd been truly alone like this and it felt good to clear my head. Damon was so good to me, but I couldn't think straight around him and he was always challenging all my thoughts and beliefs. I wasn't even sure what my thoughts and beliefs were anymore. In all honesty, I wasn't sure of anything.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Damon snarled as he slammed me against the front door I had just closed.
Unfortunately, in my exhaustion I had fallen asleep in the graveyard and woken up to grey skies and the cheerful chirping of birds. I'd been confused for a moment or two, but once I'd noticed the creepy black crow that was staring intensely at me I suddenly remembered Damon and what he'd said about not leaving the house without him. Oops.
"Look, Damon–" I began, quickly closing my mouth when I saw the furious expression on his face and the rage glistening in his icy eyes.
I swallowed thickly and tried to look over his shoulder, suddenly hoping to be back in the graveyard and away from his heated gaze.
"I warned you. I thought I made it explicitly clear that you weren't to go wandering off without either Stefan or me." He murmured quietly, a dark and dangerous edge to his voice.
"I'm sorry–" I tried before his hand clamped over my mouth, his other arm folded above my head so he could lean threateningly over me.
"No you're not. Don't try and lie to me Elena." He replied shortly, my name sounding like a caress despite his sharp tone.
I shoved his hand from my mouth and moved easily into the parlor; I knew he wouldn't put up any resistance against me. "I was visiting my mother." I told him flatly, spinning around to face him with a blank face.
"And that was so important that you had to leave in the middle of the night without telling either of us, leaving us to think you'd been taken by your dad or Klaus?" He spat bitterly, his eyes flaring.
"I told you yesterday Damon, I'm not a prisoner. I'm letting you help me, despite my instincts and my pride, but I refuse to be controlled. I won't be that weak. I won't put my life in someone else's hands. I won't let myself be that trusting." I answered.
I watched as Damon's face hardened, his jaw taut and his eyes stony. "So are you saying you don't trust me?"
"Damon you know I trust you, but I won't let myself rely on you. My mum always told me that the only person I could count on was myself and I'm trying really hard to remember that, okay? The people I care about, they always leave me. I can't let myself care about anyone again. If I get too attached, I know I won't be able to finish the job." I confessed, my mouth slamming shut once I realised what I'd said.
"Please tell me when you say finish the job you mean kill your dad because I swear to God Elena, if you are saying what I think you're saying I will kill you myself. We've been over this. You're not going anywhere." Damon snarled, slamming me into the wall (again) beside the fire with my wrists shackled either side of my face.
"Damon," I whispered, his name sounding more like a plea than a warning. "I've been irresponsible. I've been focusing so much on you and Caroline and everything else that I've been forgetting about what I'm really doing here. I'm killing my dad and then… and then I've got to kill myself."
"The hell you do." He snapped back.
"Why are you so opposed to it? You wanted to kill me yourself not that long ago. I'm just getting in your way, messing things up, blowing your cover. You should want me gone. You told me yesterday how exhausting I was. I'm hot and cold and cruel and you should want me gone Damon." I replied with tear-filled eyes.
I hated how my body was constantly betraying me and making me seem so weak. I hated weakness; it was sinful.
Damon stepped away from me and sat down on the sofa, his elbows resting on his knees and his head settling in his hands. "You are exhausting… and infuriating. You've got no idea how much havoc you've created. I was so fucking angry when you turned; I've always hated being played. You kept surprising me and I hated you for it. At least, I thought I hated you for it. I couldn't get you out of my head; it had been so long since I'd met someone who could captivate my attention like that. I'm not my brother, I kill people and I enjoy it, so imagine how I felt when suddenly there's this beautiful woman who likes to manipulate and play games and isn't afraid of being the bad guy and tearing into some poor girl's throat. There was something exciting, electric, about you. Then one night I came to your house, you were dreaming; I could see something was upsetting you and frightening you and suddenly I realized that you were still playing me. I hated that I didn't know who you were, that I couldn't figure you out. When you went to New York I figured it was for the best; I could forget you and move on and I wouldn't have to deal with all the mess you were making anymore. Of course, Stefan was obsessively following your actions and giving me daily reports, so that didn't really go to plan. Next thing I know, you're back and playing games again, more secretive than ever. You annoyed the hell out of me, but I had an appreciation for you, a fascination. Then you started opening up and it was like you were this whole different person. I started to want to earn your trust, to learn more about you, to help you. Elena, you're exhausting but that doesn't mean I don't want you around. I've been alive for a long time, drifting, bored mostly, and now you're here and you're constantly keeping me on my toes. The things I said to you last night weren't meant as an insult. True, I was a little pissed off with you, but I didn't mean my words cruelly. You're exhausting and you infuriate me with all your contradictory personality traits, but I care about you." He murmured softly.
My head snapped up from where I'd been staring at the floor at his last words. Damon was staring openly at me, his eyes wide and sincere.
"Don't say that." I whispered.
"Why not?" He pressed, moving towards me once more until I could feel his body heat seeping into my skin. "So you can act like this is the right thing to do? So you can make all this easier on yourself? I'm not going to back down here Elena. I'm going to fight you on this until the very end if I have to."
"No you won't. You'll give up. Everyone always gives up on me." I almost whimpered.
"I'm not going anywhere Elena." He said gently. "No matter how much you push me away, I'm going to be right here. You're stubborn, but you've got nothing on me baby."
I couldn't help the smirk that twisted on my lips at the term of endearment that had become so customary between us. I wasn't even sure where it had come from when I'd first used it; I suppose it had been part of the manipulative persona.
"Out of curiosity, do you always play with your meals like you did with me that first night?" I asked him, sudden flashbacks of me pinned against my bedroom wall with his thigh pressing between my legs.
Now it was Damon's turn to smirk; it was an arrogant, self-satisfied smirk that I wanted to claw off his face on principle. "Jealous are we Elena?"
"Fuck off. You're so predictable." I muttered as I moved to step around him.
Damon caught my wrist as I passed him and pulled me harshly against his body, his head dipping and his breath tickling my ear as he whispered to me. "Where do you think you're going?"
"The grill. I want a beer." I replied.
"Not alone you're not." He told me, his voice commanding.
"Well by all means come along then." I said, irritated by how controlling he was being.
"Oh hey Elena!" Matt exclaimed with a beaming smile on his face as Damon and I took a seat at the bar.
"Hey Matt." I replied, my stomach tightening with guilt at the memory of how I'd hurt him not so long ago.
"Beer?" He asked, his eyes flickering with curiosity to Damon.
"Whisky for me." Damon said before I could answer, but I knew Matt knew what I wanted anyway.
"You know, I think we need to start worrying about your alcoholism Elena. Maybe we should sign you up to some AA meetings or something." Damon remarked as he surveyed the bar, most likely looking for any threats.
"You're hilarious Damon." I replied exasperatedly.
"I have been told I have a wonderful sense of humour, but thanks for reinstating that." He quipped.
"Forget killing myself, I'll fucking kill you." I murmured under my breath.
"What was that?" Damon asked amusedly, even though I knew he'd heard me because he was a vampire and we could apparently hear fucking everything.
"So Matt, what's going on at school?" I asked cheerfully to distract myself from Damon.
"Oh for God's sake…" Damon muttered from beside me.
Several hours later I was drunk. I felt better than I had in a long time, Damon was off somewhere playing darts, and I was happily flirting with a guy I had zero interest in. Still, it felt good to watch a guy squirm under my attention.
"Hey, let's go outside for a minute." I said, biting my lips suggestively and tilting my head towards the door.
It took all I had not to burst out laughing as his face paled and he nodded dumbly like a dog. I was feeling free and great and hungry. I wasn't going to kill him, I'd promised myself that, but I just needed to drink something.
I began to kiss him feverishly as we entered the alleyway beside the grill, slowly backing him towards the wall as he desperately tried to touch every inch of me. It annoyed me how wrong it felt to be touched by him.
"Don't scream. Don't be afraid. This isn't going to hurt." I murmured soothingly as my face transformed into its true monstrous self.
I sagged against him as my fangs sank through the flesh and pierced into the hot, thumping carotid artery. I couldn't help but moan at the taste; fresh blood was completely incomparable.
"Tut, tut, tut, Elena." Damon's voice suddenly whispered in my ear, his body coming flush against my back and his hand brushing my hair over one shoulder.
How did he always find me? I was getting déjà vu from a few months ago, when Damon had found me feeding and pulled me off. That was just before I left for New York.
"Damon?" I gasped in question as I wrapped an arm back around his neck, knowing I didn't even have to ask for what I wanted this time.
"Shush, keep drinking. It's okay. It's okay Elena. I'm not going anywhere." He replied, his other hand running soothingly up and down my side.
I moaned as I returned to the guy's neck, Damon's fangs slicing into the crease between my neck and shoulder at the same time. I slid my fingers into the hairs at the nape of his neck and tugged, desperately trying to feel him closer to me. It was surreal being trapped there, feeding on someone whilst being fed on myself. But I knew it couldn't continue much longer, I really didn't want to kill the guy, so I pulled back and let him slide unconsciously to the floor.
"We should–" Damon began as he followed suit, but I quickly span around and pulled him back to me.
Damon grunted in surprise but quickly sank his fangs back into my neck making a pair of new incisions. I arched my back off the wall and pressed closer to him, sighing with ecstasy when he roughly slammed me back again. If there was one thing making me want to survive the whole ordeal, it was this. I'd never felt anything like the intimacy I had with Damon. I had never trusted anyone more. By letting him feed on me, I was completely putting my life in his hands. I hadn't really thought what that meant before, but I knew now.
"Damon," I whispered.
Damon pulled back immediately, his thumb pressing against the wound to halt the blood flow. He was breathing harshly, the veins around his eyes slowly receding, his cheeks flushed. Beautiful.
"I find you exhausting too." I said softly, my eyelashes fluttering as I tugged on his leather jacket.
Damon's mouth twitched with amusement and I knew instantly that he got me. He knew what I was saying. He knew I cared too.
Sorry it's taken me so long to update again, I've moved out from home and started at university so I haven't really had time to write! I hope this chapter is okay; it's basically just tying up a few ends. I thought Damon and Elena needed to sort a few things out. They're still not technically together, but hopefully they're moving in the right direction! Please keep reviewing, I love to hear your opinions, whether they are good or bad! x