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Christian.

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Leaving security behind, I head quickly out of the hotel and eagerly hand my ticket over to the awaiting valet. I need to get out of here. I've had enough of hiding, and watching Ana from a distance and every available dark corner of the room, so I need to leave.

I'm so frustrated and annoyed with myself, because after Sienna talked me into coming here this evening, I was determined to make use of the opportunity and approach Ana some how.

I know, that I shouldn't of even had to think about attending my son's 18th birthday celebration, but the closer the event got, the more nervous I became about, being in the same room with his mother for the first time. Now, all the worrying was pointless and has amounted to nothing. I haven't even worked up the courage to approach Ana, never mind talk to her... And I've had more than my fair share of chances.

Her husband, has been absent from her side for most of the evening. He was constantly chatting to members of his family, entertaining their daughter Molly, son Ben and their friends. He kept looking at me pointedly as if he was giving me a way in to talk to her, but respectfully, nervously, stupidly, I didn't take it.

That doesn't mean I haven't had my eyes on her constantly since I got here though. Willing her to find me. I've been shadowing her, watching her every move and it finally paid off. She spotted me, and after we locked eyes over the bustling function room, calm washed over me instantly, erasing everything I'd been feeling, but it only lasted for a few short moments.

After so long, to make actual eye contact with her was sublime. To actually look into her eyes instead of just a still photograph, was euphoric. I wanted to run across the room and pull her close... But I didn't... I can't... I won't.

When I looked closer at her, the way she looked at me, was enough for me to keep my distance. The shock, fear, hurt and pain, still in her wide blue eyes, the eyes, that have haunted me for years, kept me firmly on the other side of the room.

I don't know why we even came here. Teddy wasn't expecting us and I knew deep down, that it wasn't a good idea. Having her look at me squarely, with so much torment and doubt, was worse than seeing her up close happy in the arms of another man. And I knew I would see it.

Even after all this time, she's still so over run with sorrow and anger towards me. How could I approach her and bring all of that back to her? I still need to give her space, so I need to leave. For her sake and mine, because I don't trust myself to stay. My anger and frustration could easily get the better of me, and I could easily storm right back in there and make a fool of myself, and her.

As I head out the hotel, holding Sienna's reluctant hand tightly, because, of course, she doesn't want to leave, I face the fact that my life is still in a state of limbo. I realize, painfully, that even though I've rebuilt bridges though out my entire family, it's not enough... It will never be enough.

I have parents, friends and a daughter, who I love dearly and who love me in return. I have a growing, wonderful relationship with my son and he's fitted into my life and with the rest of my family's as if he's never been away, but there's still a void... A vast void, that can't be filled by family alone, and I do have a family now. A true family.

My parents and I couldn't be closer, even if I'd of wished for it. My mother and father, have supported me and Sienna in every way possible over the years, and love having Teddy back in their lives. They don't hate Ana for missing out on so much, they understand why she ran and like me, with me, they have watched his life unfold and progress through endless hours of video footage. It was nowhere near enough, obviously, but it kept him in our hearts, our minds and kept a place for him to easily fit back into.

Mia and I, are as close as we once were. After revealing to her why Ana really left, she vented her anger by giving me a black eye and let it go, as she put it, then focused on aiding me and Sienna. She is still very close to Sienna, their girls nights are legendary if you believe all you hear, and she adores my son.

Mia misses Ana, more than she's ever admitted. I see it every time she's with Teddy. She clings to the parts of him that are Ana, and believe me, there are many of them, so Teddy's presence eases us both.

Elliot and I are closer than we have ever been, it's great having a brother, and he and Teddy have a great friendship, there have been a lot of male bonding weekends between us. It surprised me at first, that they had never met before, as Teddy admitted having seen Kate countless times over the years.

Ava and Elliot were obviously left out of the visiting loop, and Teddy and Ava have suffered because of it. They can't seem to connect, their relationship is strained tight, due to his protective vein towards Sienna. Even though Kate is his Godmother and he was excited to see her at first, seeing her now and more often, he's seen her for the bitter harpy she really is, and how sly and spiteful Kate and Ava can really be towards Sienna.

He let slip to Sienna once, about an uncle Scott, who was always with Kate when they met up with Ana over the years. Once I had that little gem of information, I put a tail on Kate and found out that this so called uncle Scott was an editor at the paper and they had been having a long standing affair.

So, since her divorce from Elliot, he and I have been closer than ever, but she's been more of a bitch to me, but hey, I deserved her anger this time.

I mustn't gloat, hell yes, I want to gloat, because it was an amazing feeling to, 'put her down' as Sienna, so elegantly phrased it. I will forever remember that night, it started out so simply. A quiet dinner at my parents place, to celebrate my fathers birthday. Kate was preaching as always, about her perfect family and what they had planned for the coming months. I saw the distance and sadness in my brother's eyes, and knew that he needed rid of her. The light, that was always so bright in him, had gone out since Kate had gotten him by the balls, and it had gone on long enough.

Sienna and I shared a look across the table as we listened to Kate, and I couldn't help but spill the beans about her long hidden affair. The room froze, Kate nearly died, but Elliot glanced at me with hope in his eyes and I knew I had done the right thing.

He rose from the table and quickly left the house without a word to anyone. Kate and Ava fled home after him, but within the hour, Elliot had returned with a few of his things and settled himself back into his old childhood bedroom under our parents' roof.

Sienna and I stayed over that night, and Elliot and I escaped in the small hours to the tree house on the edge of the property that we shared as kids. Nursing a bottle of scotch, he confessed to me, that he had an idea that something was going on and that he no longer loved Kate like he once did, but he put Ava first and put up with things for her sake.

He thanked me for getting rid of her, and even told me how he'd loved her at first, was so glad that they shared a child, but after Ana left, she changed. He said that she missed Ana a lot and became bitter and resentful. Elliot confessed how he hated the fact that she enjoyed tormenting me, just a tad too much, and saw a completely different side to her.

"I'm sorry Christian, " he whispered into the dark, "I should have helped you find Ana, but she never told me where she was and always threatened to leave with Ava if I said anything to you or pushed her too far" I heard his genuine sorrow and forgave him. We hugged, and toasted to freedom, and I knew that we'd both be okay.

So, as I've said, Elliot and I are closer, and now, we only have to put up with Kate on very special occasions.

I also have a few male friends now, due to Elliot and Teddy's influence. They're mainly parents of Sienna's friends, but we have bonded over weekend cookouts and tennis games during the summer. Boy time, was sort after, and we've had a lot of days out sailing and even escaped up to Aspen for hiking a few times.

Teddy has changed my life immensely, I love everything about him, but the one thing that niggles me, they only fly in the ointment, and what nearly takes me down every time I linger on the thought, is how much Teddy, is like Ana.

He may look like me, but he has her eyes and certain mannerisms. He has her control and quiet thinking, but my determination for problem solving and success. He's a good mix of the two of us and I couldn't be prouder of him, or how he's turned out.

I don't dwell on my time without him, it's pointless and the past year with him has eradicated that emptiness completely. I love him and Sienna with all my heart, they are all I could ever need. Or so I keep telling myself.

I admit wholeheartedly, that there is still something missing, and I know, with everything that I am, that it's Ana. I hate to admit it, even to myself, but even after all this time, I crave and need her more than ever. I always will. She changed me completely and can never be replaced. Pity, it took all of this to find that out.

With Teddy back in my life, I see Ana constantly, the way he looks at me sometime, certain things that he says, it's Ana. It throws me backwards and I'm lost, because it's Ana looking back at me, Ana I'm having a discussion with. It's a wonderful, torment, that I wouldn't be without.

How did Ana do this all these years? Surely she must have seen me every hour, minute, second of every day? Did she miss, or think of me at all, when she looked at Teddy? I doubt it, I've hurt her too much to forgive me, but I'm glad she's never objected to anything and was happy for Teddy and I to reconnect.

Unfortunately, I've had no contact with Ana over this past year, subconsciously I hoped I would, but it's never happened. I've spoken to Jake once or twice to finalize holiday and travel plans, but nothing more. Tonight, was supposed to change all of that. I was supposed to talk to her, or at the very least, say hello.

I thought I would be strong enough, hoped I would be, but just like Christmas, when I bought a tonne of presents for her and her family, on Sienna's insistence of course, I bailed. I didn't have the nerve to send them to her then, and I don't have the nerve to talk to her now.

I know sienna will be mad at me once we're alone, she wanted tonight to go well. She wanted to finally meet Ana, but I warned her to stay away from her until I could introduce them personally. She will be marginally appeased by meeting Molly, Ben and Teddy's friends, but it was Ana she wanted to meet most of all, and I will no doubt be subjected to her ire because I've ultimately, let her down.

Sienna is fascinated by Ana, still. She loves having Teddy home every weekend and spends all of her time with him. She quizzes him constantly about what his life was like growing up, and loves finding things out about Molly, ben, even Jake, but it's Ana that holds her full attention.

Teddy feels for Sienna, and can understand what she feels she missed out on growing up. Teddy has been wonderful to, and for her over this past year, I couldn't of asked for a better connection between them both, but, Sienna wants a connection with all of them. Especially Ana, and truthfully, though I will never admit it out loud, I do too.

I've caught Sienna and Teddy on many a Sunday night, slobbed out in the TV room with comforters, pillows, munchies and soda's, waffling away about Teddy's younger years and times with his mom.

I admit, I've slid down the wall outside the room and sat on the floor till my ass went numb, hanging of their every word, every time I've caught them. I grab all I can about Ana, as Teddy is pretty tight lipped with me about his mom, he's realized that I still love her and he's unsure of what to do with that information.

So hearing about Ana directly from Teddy, even if covertly, is blissful, but also heart wrenching. Her life has been so content and easy, passed her by effortlessly and even as I've lived mine, I've always yearned for her. Always wanted her back, always had a place for her in my heart and who knows, we're not dead yet.

I'll always be waiting in the wings for her, even if it's only to talk, to explain, to beg, but maybe, just maybe, if the storyline changes and hell freezes over, her husband might get struck by lightening and she might say yes to conversing and listening to me, but until then... I can be patient. I've become very good at waiting for her, always lurking on the edge of her life, but to actually talk to her, to actually explain, I would have to develop a back bone, and were she is concerned, as of yet, it hasn't emerged.

I feel Sienna tug sharply on my hand, bringing me back to the here and now, and as I scan my surrounding I notice that the car has been brought around. I take a step forward just as Sienna stops short, and I hear Teddy's yell. I turn my eyes back to the front of the hotel just as Teddy appears.

He looks excited and eager as he yells "Dad" and I can't help my grin, because god, I love the sound of that word coming from him.

"What's happened? I've only just left you" I ask, sounding panicked as he approaches us.

"Nothings happened, every things fine" he assures me with a grin. "Mom just wants to talk to you, that's all" he says simply, as he reaches us and my entire being freezes. "She's on the veranda waiting for you" he utters, with a small familiar smirk and sharing a look with Sienna.

I stare blindly at Teddy and stutter a noise that resembles no words. I look quickly to Sienna for help. I chuckle and regain my sense's at the sight of her. Her eyes are wide, brimming with happy tears and I can feel her excitement from two feet away.

"Go dad" Sienna's shrill voice encourages me, and with a wide smile she pushes me forward and waves off the valet.

"Okay" I mutter nervously, as I take a step towards the hotel.

I turn sharply, remembering and smack my hand on the roof of the car. The valet pulls back up and I quickly order him to open the trunk. I lean in and pick up the black leather box, the size of a shoe box, that is never far from my side.

I'm always prepared and carry it with me, every time I'm in the vicinity of Ana, because you never know when I might need it, and hell fire and fuck me... Now is that time.

Ana wants to talk to me... After a year with my son, she finally wants to talk and I almost missed out on it by running home. I turn away from the car with purpose and stride towards the hotel. As an after thought and twinged with guilt, I turn slowly and suddenly nervously, towards my children.

"Teddy, look after Sienna, keep her away from the bar and your friends" I tease, while smiling brightly to hide my nerves.

"Good luck dad" they both yell simultaneously, not buying my bravado, then both burst out laughing. They turn their excited gazes to each other and share something I don't hear before they hug each other tightly.

I keep their jubilant faces in my minds eye, as I stride back through the hotel lobby and head back towards the function room.

As I near the veranda doors my steps suddenly falter. I take a sharp intake of breath as I catch sight of her moonlit silhouette through the smoked glass doors. I clutch the box to my chest one handed as I slowly push open the door, praying that she will listen to me.

Taking a deep tranquil breath with closed eyes, I take an unwavering, determined first step towards Ana, and just hope that it's not to late.

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