A/N: Thank you for the reviews. This chapter is a rolercoaster of angst and fluff. I am not sure how well I like it , but I hope enjoy reading it.
Just a reminder...I am not in the medical field, so keep in mind that everything that happens in this chapter is how I would imagine it would happen. These things are not based on a any facts known to me.
A/N2: Statements in single quotes and italics are thoughts.
Disclaimer: I own nothing Flashpoint related.
It's a Second Chance
Chapter 26
Love and Memories
The door to Anisa's room opened and Sarah walked in. Spike turned to her as she said, "I saw some activity on her monitor and was just checking on her."
"She's awake," Spike said.
Sarah approached the head of the bed and saw the tear trickling down from her still closed eyes. "Hi, my name is Sarah and I will be taking care of you."
Anisa opened her eyes briefly and the tears came pouring down her cheeks. Her emotions were out of control and she couldn't speak. All she could think about was that she was paralyzed. She had no words for the way she was feeling.
Sarah touched her arm and in her most comforting voice said, "It's OK, I have paged your doctor. You are going to be OK." Anisa just grunted and squeezed her eyes shut.
Spike stroked her cheek and said, "Baby, it's OK. It's going to be OK. I'm here. You are going to be OK."
Anisa clenched her eyes tighter at his touch and grunted more. She wanted to push him away...to make this nightmare end, but she couldn't move...she couldn't do anything. Her head hurt and she could hear these people talking but her brain couldn't process what they were saying. It took every ounce of brain power that she had to process that she couldn't move. She was on sensory overload and needed to calm herself and having people around her now was not helping.
"OUT! EVERYONE OUT!" Anisa grunted in a husky voice that made Spike and Sarah stop talking and look at her. With her eyes still closed, she growled, "NOW!" Spike and Sarah glanced at one another and then left the room but stood outside the door dumbfounded. Spike's face was a mural of pain and confusion.
"She is angry and confused right now. Everybody reacts differently. Give her a minute to process the situation and I am sure she will want to see you," Sarah said reassuringly, although she had never seen this reaction before. The two were still standing outside the door when Dr. Pradeep rounded the corner into the hallway.
"Why are you out here? Is our patient alright?" Dr. Pradeep's questions were riddled with concern.
Spike didn't know what to say, so Sarah jumped in with, "She is awake and a bit distraught. She wanted a few minutes alone." Dr. Pradeep nodded in understanding.
"Sarah, why don't you and I go in and examine Ms. McConnell. Spike get a cup of coffee this might take a little while," suggested Dr. Pradeep.
Spike was still shaken by her reaction so he just nodded in acquiescence and walked away in a daze. When he had regained a bit of composure, he realized that he owed Ryan a phone call.
Dr. Pradeep led the way into the room with Sarah following behind. He looked at his patient. Her eyes were open although they were red and puffy.
"Hello, Ms. McConnell, I am Dr. Pradeep. It is nice to meet you." He tried to keep his voice even. Meanwhile, Sarah busied herself checking her charts and monitors.
Anisa looked straight ahead and grunted.
"How are you feeling?" Asked Dr. P stepping into her line of vision.
"I don't know," she answered through gritted teeth intentionally not looking at him.
Dr. Pradeep decided to outline her injuries and condition with her. He told her about the broken ribs and collapsed lung and how she was treated for them. He explained that she had fallen onto her back and fractured 2 vertebrae. He also told her that there was no evidence that her spinal cord had been severed.
"Of course, swelling of the spinal cord due to the impact from the fall may have caused some nerve damage," the doctor continued. "I would like to run some tests to determine if there is any damage. Would that be OK?"
Anisa swallowed hard and grunted yes, "Uh huh."
"OK, I will test your reaction to a stimulus and you 'grunt' if you feel anything. OK?"
"Uh huh."
The doctor moved to the foot of the bed. He took a prod-type instrument and rubbed it along the sole of her foot. He gazed at her face for any sign of a reaction. Nothing. He moved the instrument up her leg to her calf, still nothing. He tested her left hand and saw no reaction on her face, but he did see a slight reaction in her fingers. He moved over to her right hand and rubbed the prod along her palm. He watched her face and her eyes opened a little wider.
"Yes," she said in a deep heavy voice. It almost sounded uncertain.
He repeated that action and she said, "Yes," this time with more certainty. Dr. P smiled. Then he pinched her finger and she said, "Yes." The doctor smiled again. He moved up her arm and pinched her elbow. "Yes," she said calmly, now.
"Good," said Dr. Pradeep with a smile. He pulled out at a reflex hammer. "Ready for test number 2?"
"Uh huh," she grunted.
He took the hammer and tapped her left knee. She made no indication that she felt anything, but her foot involuntarily jerked very slightly. He did it again with the same result. He moved to the right knee and repeated the test with the same result. He moved to her left wrist and tapped it twice. Her hand fluttered. Tapping her left elbow had the same result. He did the test on her right hand and she acknowledged feeling it. Dr. P smiled and nodded. He tapped her right elbow and she winced a bit.
"Did that hurt?" he asked
"It felt weird. Kind of tingled," she responded in an almost questioning manner.
"OK, that makes sense," said the doctor. He stepped outside of her line of vision and conferred briefly with Sarah.
Dr. Pradeep told her what he had learned, "So, based on those test, it appears that all of your nerves are intact. You have begun to regain feeling in your right hand. These are all very good signs." She waited for the big, 'BUT' that was about to drop.
"Ms. McConnell, I will be honest with you. I do not know how this will work out in the end, but, there are a couple of possible scenarios. Worst case is that you gain no additional function. Best case is that you get full function back. The reality of the situation is that it may end up being any place in between these two outcomes. We also don't know how function will return … all at once, little by little, tomorrow, 2 months from now. Although we have made great strides, injuries of the spinal cord are still mysteries to us." He watched her face drop even more. Again she closed her eyes. The doctor and the nurse exchanged glances.
"Do you understand what I have told you?" asked Dr. Pradeep.
Her reply was monotone, "Yes, I may or may not regain my function. You don't know which and you have no timeline."
Dr. Pradeep had to admit that it did not sound encouraging, "Yes. That is about it." He approached her head and stepped into her line of vision forcing her to see his face. "I will tell you that you exceeded all expectations with recovery so far. I am a true believer in the philosophy that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."
Anisa continued to stare past him. The doctor knew that in her current state he would not be able to do anything else. "OK, I will check on you the first thing in the morning." He got no response from the young woman. "Good night." He left the room. Sarah was finishing up her duties and was unsure what to say to the woman in the bed.
Anisa said in a husky and flat voice, "No visitors, please. I do NOT want any visitors. OK?"
"But Spike has been here by your side..." began Sarah before Anisa interrupted.
"It is my choice, and I say no visitors." Although she closed her eyes, her voice remained firm, "Especially not Spike."
Sarah couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could this woman be so mean to a guy who has loved her diligently and tirelessly? "Are you sure you don't want to see Spike? He..."
"NO VISITORS!" Anisa said emphatically. Sarah left the room baffled and angered.
Once Sarah had left the room, Anisa broke down again. The thoughts her brain was forming were all on the same topic. 'Why? Why keep me alive if I am going to be nothing but a useless body? A burden to everyone around me? Why not just end it?' She sobbed her self to sleep.
When Ryan, Jeff and Sid arrived at her room, they saw Spike sitting outside it.
"Spike?" Ryan said questioningly pulling Spike's eyes to his. They were red from fatigue and sadness. Ryan slowed his heartbeat to settle the fear bubbling within him. Spike didn't say anything, he just nodded his head toward the door to her room. Ryan's eyes followed his movement until they locked on a sign posted on the door. "NO VISITORS"
"What?" questioned Ryan. Visibly confused. "Is there something wrong? Is she sick?"
Spike was so distraught that he could barely speak. Shaking his head slowly, he responded, "No...she doesn't want to see anybody." Spike dropped his head into his hands, "Ryan...this is what I was afraid of. I knew she would react like this. She won't even talk to me." Ryan heard the pain in his friend's voice.
He went to open the door to her room and was immediately stopped by a nurse who was quickly making her way from the nurses station to where the 4 men were.
"I'm sorry gentlemen, I am not allowed to let you in to see the patient. We are under very strict orders to not allow any visitors," said the nurse.
"Really, whose orders?" growled Jeff.
The nurse placed herself between the men and the door, "The patient's and she comes first."
Spike saw what was unfolding so he stepped in to diffuse the situation. "Hey guys, let's go get something to eat or a cup of coffee."
Ryan looked at Spike, turned from the door and headed to the family waiting area to get some coffee. The other gentlemen followed suit. The four sitting in virtual silence none of them knowing what the right thing to say was. Spike's phone buzzed so he excused himself as he walked away from the group to answer the call from his mother. He told his mother about Anisa waking up and how glad she was to see him … at first. He told her about how she began to cry when she realized that she couldn't move. With a heavy heart, he told her about how, after the doctor examined her, she refused all visitors. Yes, even him.
They chatted for another ten minutes when Michelina Scarlatti said, "Michelangelo, don't give up. She is hurting now. When that subsides, she needs to know that you are still there."
"Thanks, Ma, I know. Ciao."
Anisa was lying in her bed trying to think, but her mind was muddled with fear and anger and... self pity. That was an emotion that she had never felt. When Sean died she was overtaken with sadness and guilt. But she had never felt sorry for herself...never pitied herself. She had wanted to hide from the world, but she had never wanted to die. She had never even considered it. But, now that was all she could think about. The point was moot because, due to her current state of immobility, she couldn't if she wanted to. She chuckled at the irony. That was the last thought she had before she fell asleep.
The next thing she remembered was Ryan saying something to her.
"Hey Red, can we talk?" She opened her eyes and saw him smiling at her. Her first thought was to be happy to see him. But that was before she remembered that she was just a talking head with a useless body. She did not want to hear his mindless words of encouragement.
"Ryan, you should leave. I don't feel like talking."
"Hear me out. I know that you are scared and that you are getting used to the information that was given to you. I just want you to know that you don't need to be scared. Spike is here to help you and so am I."
"I don't want that, Ryan. I don't want to be taken care of anymore. I am tired of having people feel responsible for me. I am sick of being everybody's burden. First it was Sean, then you. It is NOT going to be Spike! You have done your duty. Your promise, your obligation to Sean is fulfilled! How I live my life going forward is up to me and has nothing to do with you or Spike."
"Nis," his voice which up until now had been calm began to get louder and more emphatic, "Spike has been by your side, day and night. You can't just shut him out. You owe him an explanation. You owe him a chance. It's a second chance for you to be happy"
"No," was all she said.
Ryan shook his head and said with a note of anger and disappointment in his voice, "The Anisa I know is caring and thoughtful...kind. What you are doing to Spike is cruel and heartless. He loves you and you are cutting him out of your life. How can you do that? How can you be so cruel?"
Anisa's response was louder and angrier than she had originally intended, "I am tired of being told what to do! So let me tell you what to do... get out!...Leave NOW!" at that moment her door swung open and Jeff and Sid entered.
"Everything OK in here? We heard raised voices," said Sid with concern his voice.
"I don't need any of you! I don't need anyone. I want you all to leave. Go back to your families and lives. You are not needed here anymore. I don't need anyone. Go away, PLEASE," she begged.
"Midge, we are here to help, OK?" said Jeff sympathetically.
"GET OUT! NOW!" screamed Anisa.
After speaking with his mother on the phone, Spiked headed back to the waiting area and was surprised to see that the other three men had left. He figured that they had decided to go home and come back tomorrow. Spike made his way back toward Anisa's room to sit vigil outside. As he was about to sit down in the chair across from her door, he heard some voices coming from Anisa's room. Then he heard her yell in a pained guttural voice, "GET OUT! NOW!"
Spike rushed into her room only to find Ryan, Sid and Jeff standing next to her bed. He grabbed the closest one, which happened to be Sid, by the shoulder and spun him around and pushed him to the side. He got in front of Ryan and pushed him back away the bed.
Then calmly but with authority he said, "The three of you get out." He began pushing them backwards. "No visitors mean no visitors. Show her some respect." With that final statement the four of them exited her room. Spike pushed Ryan backwards into the chair and jabbed his index finger into Ryan's chest.
"What in the hell were you thinking?" barked Spike.
"Anisa was being unfair. She needed to know that we are here for her … to take care of her," answered Ryan.
"You may have known Anisa longer, but I know her. She needs time. You cannot bulldoze her! She's scared and angry. You back her into a corner and she will attack like a caged tiger, which will be a lose-lose situation." Spike was angry.
"Spike, listen, I was just trying to talk some sense into her. The way she is acting is not her. I was just trying to explain to her that she should listen to you. She owes you at least that much," explained Ryan.
"Owes me? She owes me nothing. You got that? Nothing. I love her. Period! There are no debts to be paid," Spike stated angrily.
"Spike, I'm sorry..."
"I don't care what you are sorry for right now. I care about giving Anisa time to recover and time understand her situation. Her emotions are high now. They will subside and she will need a friend not a bully. You got that?" Spike was still furious, but he tried hard to calm himself.
Ryan nodded, "You may be right."
"I will handle it from here! Why don't you guys just go home. Cool down and call me tomorrow. If there is a change I will call you." Spike left no room for discussion.
Sid looked at Spike with an unreadable expression. Sid gave his head one quick nod and then nudged Ryan out of the chair and down the hall. Spike watched the three men walk away.
The ruckus had drawn the attention of the nurses. Karen, who was now back on shift, approached Spike.
"Spike, what was that about?" asked Karen with concern.
Spike tried to explain to Karen what had happened. "Friends of Anisa's ignored her wishes for no visitors. They meant well, but they went about it the wrong way. She needs time. Time to think, time to comprehend, time to recover."
Karen nodded her head. "Did they go home?"
"Yeah, I sent them away." said Spike. "Would you mind checking on her? I know she doesn't want to see me, but I need to know she is OK."
"Sure," she answered as she cautiously entered Anisa's room.
Anisa saw her door open and was immediately on her guard again. Fortunately, it was only a nurse coming in to check her vitals.
"Hi, my name is Karen and I will be taking care of you for the rest of the night." Karen gave her a smile and then continued, "How are you feeling?"
That elicited a grunt from Anisa. Meanwhile Karen was going about her business checking all of her vitals. She lifted Anisa's left wrist to take her pulse which evoked a quick intake of breath from Anisa. Karen's head snapped to look at Anisa and saw a slight grimace on the petite woman's face.
"Are you alright? Did I hurt you ?"
"I'm OK. It just hurt for a second." Anisa's eyes flew open with the realization of what she had just said "What did you do?"
"I just lifted your wrist slightly and touched the inside to get your pulse. It should not have hurt," explained the nurse.
"Well it didn't really hurt so much as burned, but that sensation is gone now," her voice revealing her disappointment.
A little smile appeared on Karen's face as she said, "Those are your nerves starting to wake up again. It's a good sign. Can you move your fingers?" Anisa tried, but nothing happened. She closed her eyes in frustration.
"Be patient, it takes time. Try not to give up," encouraged Karen. "Keep trying to move your fingers and toes."
Anisa just grunted. She was so tired of things being hard. 'Will she ever have something simple or easy?' she wondered. Anisa didn't care anymore. She didn't see the smile that Karen gave her as she walked out the door.
"How is she?" asked Spike eagerly.
"She is fine. She is tired and frustrated, both of which are understandable," reported Karen. "I think she will rest for a while. Why don't you go over to the visitor area. The chairs are more comfortable. I will come get you if there is any change."
Spike bobbed his head and headed in that direction. He was so tired that it didn't take him long to fall asleep stretched out awkwardly on the couch. When he woke, he saw the sun inching it's way up over the horizon. He looked at his watch: 6:18. He sat up and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. He got up and made his way to the nurses station.
"Morning," greeted Karen. "How did you sleep?"
"Let's just say that the couch is not as comfortable as it looks," joked Spike.
Karen chuckled and said, "There hasn't been any change. She has been sleeping soundly."
"I think I need some coffee. Do you want some?" offered Spike.
"No thanks. It will keep me up all day," she teased. Spike smiled at her and went to get coffee. When he returned Dr. Pradeep was speaking with Karen.
"Hi, Doc," greeted Spike.
"Good morning, Spike," he answered. "I'm about to go check on our patient, do you want to join me?"
"I don't think that would be a good idea. I don't think she is ready for visitors yet. I'll wait outside. But you can come get me if you need me," responded Spike.
"OK..." said the doctor dubiously. Dr. Pradeep entered Anisa's room followed by nurse Karen. The atmosphere was somber. The music that had been playing was now off and the shades were closed.
"Good morning," said Dr. Pradeep. Anisa just looked at him. "How are you feeling today?"
"The same" she grumbled.
Dr. Pradeep remained unaffected by Anisa's unpleasant attitude. He was used to anger from his patients. He went about his business testing her feeling and was pleased to see that the nerves in her hands and arms were responding to the stimulation.
"You are progressing nicely. I think you are sufficiently healed for us to remove some of the restraints." explained the doctor as be began to unscrew the metal halo holding her head still. Karen assisted from the opposite side. Anisa just watched his progress and said nothing. He and Karen then unstrapped her arms and her legs. He looked at her face for a sign of what she was thinking, but he was unable to read her expression.
"Can you try to lift you arms for me?" he requested. He watched for a response, but saw nothing.
"I can't," was all she said putting forth very little effort.
"What about your legs? Try your legs." said the doctor. Again he watched for a response and saw nothing.
Again she said, "I can't."
"OK. I will be back to check on you later in the day. Let Karen know if you need anything," said Dr. Pradeep as he left her room.
Spike looked up from his seat eagerly, "Well?"
"She seems to be improving slowly." He took a breath before continuing, "To be honest, I would have expected a greater change since last time, given how she has been progressing thus far. I am concerned that she may be giving up. That response is not unusual, but it does not help in the recovery process," explained Dr. P.
Spike looked worried, "Is there anything that I can do?"
"I don't think so. This is something that she needs to do on her own. Give her time." Dr. Pradeep looked at the anguish in the young man's face and wished he could offer more comfort. "I will be back later this afternoon, unless there is a change. Hang in there."
"Thanks Doc," answered Spike as he leaned back in his chair and rested his head against the wall. Dr. Pradeep and Nurse Karen left him to his own thoughts.
After about an hour, Spike decided that he wanted to see her so he made and excuse to go into her room. He gently opened the door and looked inside. Her eyes were closed and she appeared to be sleeping. He could see that her eyes were swollen and red and wondered how many tears she had shed. He didn't want to wake her so he just stood there for a few minutes studying her face. His eyes followed the curve of her jaw to her chin then up to her lips. He smiled as he remembered the way they curved up on the ends into a sly grin when she was being mischievous. He closed his eyes as he recalled how her mouth would open wide with laughter when she was really happy. Spike reached down and gently touched her hand and whispered, "Come on, girl, you got this. Don't give up. Remember, failure is not an option."
Anisa's eyes flew opened and she glared in the direction of the voice. Before she growl at him, Spike said, "I'm sorry I disturbed you, I just came to get my computer and shaving kit." He walked over to where his items were. He picked them up and packed them into his backpack. He looked at her and said, "Anisa, I love you. I will always be right here."
He put the pack over his shoulder and took a step to cross the room toward the door. Anisa didn't make a sound but closed her eyes. A tear began to trickle down her cheek. Without thinking, she lifted her hand to brush it away. Spike saw the movement and stopped in his tracks. She wiped the tear away and opened her eyes to see why Spike had stopped. She saw him glaring at her and her eyebrows knit in confusion. He grinned because he knew that she did not yet realize what she had done. Without a word he closed the distance between them and gently put his hand on her cheek. He leaned down and kissed her softly. Anisa was still confused, but when Spike kissed her, everything seemed to stop and stay in that moment. She didn't think, she didn't analyze, she just let it happen. She savored the feel of his lips on hers... the slight hint of coffee taste. When their lips finally parted, he stayed close.
Then he said, "Have I told you lately that you are amazing?"
She looked into his chocolate pools questioning the meaning in what he had said. Then she realized why he said that...she had moved not just her hand, but her whole arm. She lifted it again and touch his arm and pulled him closer. He put his pack on the floor and wrapped her in his arms and she didn't stop him. He brought his lips to hers and she responded. The kiss lingered because neither wanted it to end. When they finally parted Spike looked at her and said softly, "Thank you." He was so thankful that she had let him back into her life.
She pinched her eyes closed against the tears that were beginning at the back of her eyes. She had no words for him. The emotion was too strong, she didn't trust herself to say anything.
Spike looked into her eyes for an answer about what to do next. He stood up and said, "I will leave..." but before he could finish, Anisa grabbed his arm to stop him. She didn't let go until he sat down in the chair. Then she loosened her grip enough that her hand slid into his. They looked into each others eyes and no words were said. They were at peace.
Anisa closed her eyes and thought about nothing. Soon she was asleep. Spike sat there holding her hand afraid that if he let go then he might wake up and it all would have been a dream. He, too, fell asleep.