God, I hate myself for killing Dean. I mean, how could I do that? And I hate myself even more for not knowing if I'm going to bring him back or not. I'm probably going to bring him back, though, but I don't know when. It's going to take a while in that case. Because I have this thing coming for Sophia, in the next chapter, I think, and I want to focus on the relationship between Soph and Sam a little bit. I just feel like he's totally forgotten in this story.
Anyway, I know you hate me for killing Dean, but it had to be done. Sort of.
As always, let me know what you think. APRIL – SOPHIA
Even though it didn't take me long to fall asleep, I wasn't asleep for very long. And I wasn't sleeping very deeply.
I awoke at the first knock on the door, and reality was pushed back on me.
Dean was gone. I would never see him again.
I fought my tears back, and went for the door. It was Sam, and I couldn't hold the tears back anymore.
I couldn't see him and not cry. He had just lost his brother, and he had never looked so helpless.
I wrapped my arms around him the same second he wrapped his around me, and we stood like that for a long time. Seeing, and feeling, him cry just made everything so much worse because I had never seen him cry before. Not like this. And I never wanted to do it again.
When eventually our tears dried, his before mine, we let each other go but we still didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.
We moved into the living room, and we both sat down on the couch. Sam looked so tired.
"You should sleep, you look exhausted."
"So do you."
"I already slept. I need to take a shower," I said, drying my tears and walking into the bathroom. I threw Tess' clothes off, stepping in under the water. But I couldn't enjoy it. The last time I was in the shower, Dean was with me.
I turned the water off and found some new clothes. I put them on and then caught a glimpse of me in the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen, but that's not what caught my eyes. What did was my hair.
It was long, going down a bit under my breasts. Any day, I would have loved it like this. So would Dean.
I searched through the whole bathroom until I found the scissor, and when I did, I cut it off.
I couldn't even look at my damn hair without remembering him. Without a pain shooting through me. I couldn't have it like that. So I cut it short. I had it short once, but not this short.
It looked like shit, but I didn't care. It didn't remind me of Dean anymore. It didn't hurt.
But everything else did.
Every little thing I saw reminded me of him. The towel he left on the floor, his toothbrush, the toilet seat I told him countless of times to put down but he never did, his razor...
I pulled off the shirt I had just put on, finding one of his t-shirts in the laundry and putting it on. It smelled like him, and I needed to smell him. I needed to feel him. See him. Talk to him.
I slid down on the floor, starting to cry again. I was amazed I could even have this many tears left. That I could have any at all.
"Why? How am I supposed to do this without you? What's the point in doing anything without you? I can't... I need... How... I don't get it. You said 'I love you', and now you're gone. You promised me you would never go anywhere. You promised. And now I'll never see you again. You told me you would always be here. You promised..." I heard the words, but I didn't understand them. I heard the words, but I never noticed when they left my lips.
After a while I heard someone knocking on the door, but I didn't care. I heard voices, but I didn't care to listen to who they belonged too.
I just sat there, wishing Dean to be sitting next to me. Wishing him to hold my hand, whisper something in my ear, wishing him to stroke my hair away, feeling his warm breath on my neck...
I knew I had locked it, but the door opened, and I saw my sister and Linda. Behind them stood Rob, Dave and Sam. They were all looking at me. But I didn't care.
Tess and Linda walked inside, closing the door and locking it behind them. Then they sat down on either side of me, wrapping their arms around me.
"What did you do?" Linda asked softly, and I felt her hands in my hair.
I felt more tears run down my cheek as I answered her.
"He liked it long... Looking at it... It hurts, so much. So much more than when mom died, and that feels so wrong. Because she's my mom, and Dean is..." I don't know how I planned on finishing that sentence, but I never had the chance to because Tess did.
"Dean is Dean. And he always will be. He is the man who holds your heart. He is your husband, your best friend. You've known him for thirteen years, and you've shared things with him you haven't shared with anyone else. Not even mom. So of course it hurts more."
"Was..." I mumbled, my chest twisting with pain as I said that one little word.
"What?"
"Was. You said 'is'. You mean was. He's not anymore. I want him to be."
"Soph, listen to me. Dean will always be that. Dead or not. Just because he's dead, you can't erase that. You can't erase what you two had. What you shared. What you two had isn't something everyone have. Everyone doesn't see it. Feel it. Most people just gets a glimpse off it. But they don't have it. You have it. You got to marry the man of your dreams. You're true love. We didn't."
"What are you talking about? You have Dave. And and Linda has Rob."
"Sure, I married my best friend. And god, do I love him. And Linda loves Rob. But even though I love Dave, I'm going to leave him the day I meet George Clooney. But I have to be realistic. I'm going to have to see Dave every other week or so because of the kids, and it's going to be hard."
"You're horrible," I told her and heard both her and Linda chuckle. I would have to thank them for this later. They actually did manage to cheer me up. A little bit, – not much – but still.
"You know, if we try to find a positive about this, it has to be that he didn't leave you with three kids around your neck, like dad did with mom. I don't understand how she did it."
"That's impossible," I whispered.
"No, it's not. I really don't."
"That's not what I meant," I told her. Told them. "I mean that's impossible. For me. Us. We couldn't."
It was weird saying it. Confessing it. It wasn't a secret anymore. I told them, and I don't know how I felt about it.
"Oh, god, I shouldn't have said anything," Tess said, and I heard the remorse in her voice. It shouldn't be there. She didn't know. How could she? I hadn't told her until now.
"Are you sure?" Linda asked, the nurse in her kicking in.
"Yeah, I went to the hospital. I thought I was pregnant, and it turns out I can't."
"Sweetie, I am so..." Linda started, but I hushed her. I didn't need to hear any of that. I didn't want to.
"Don't be. We accepted it. It took a while, but we did."
"Okay, we need to change the subject here, because we don't need any more tears right this second. We already got reason enough to cry. Your hair looks great." God, Tess was horrible at this.
"No, it doesn't. I shouldn't have cut it. It looks horrible."
"Yeah, it does. But it won't for much longer. Let's fix that hair. Where is the scissor?"
I felt pretty good right now, and I didn't know when I would next time. So I took the opportunity. It felt like I could talk right now, so I answered the question Tess asked be last night.
"We were on the way from the bar, when..."
"Soph, you don't have to," Tess told me, but I nodded. I needed to. Even though I didn't want to, I knew I needed to talk about it. And I could talk to Tess and Linda.
"We took a short cut, and I don't know if he followed us, but we saw Trent. It was obvious that it was something... Both Dean and Sam was... We never expected him to have a gun, but he pulled it. And aimed at me. Dean, already hiding me behind him, walked out in front of me even more, and... And..." as much as I wanted to, I couldn't finish that sentence. Doing that meant Dean was really gone.
"Who cares about the stupid hair? It will grow out. We need to cry," Tess said after a moment of silence, and we did just that. Cried. For a long time.
"I never said I loved him."
"What?" Linda asked, not understanding my random words.
"Before we left yesterday, he told me he loved me. Twice. I didn't say it back, because Rob interrupted us. And I didn't say it later. And now I'm never going to have the opportunity to say it again. He died, without me telling him how much I love him."
My voice broke at the end, and their arms tightened around me.
"Trust me," Linda said. "He knew."
I took a deep breath, and dialed the number. It was before opening time, so it would be empty of people. I had no idea of who would pick up, but I only had to wait a few signals before I heard a voice.
"Hi, Ellen."
"Sophia, is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me. How are you?"
"I'm good, we're just about to open. How 'bout you?"
I took another deep breath, trying to stop the tears from falling.
"Not that good actually," I answered her, the tears falling down my cheeks. I saw Sam's worried glance. I had convinced him that I could do this. So I would do this. I could feel Bobby's eyes on me, too.
He had been here since he found out, two weeks ago.
The time had passed both so slowly and fast. I mean, Dean had been dead for two weeks. It was hard to believe. The coroner was done with his body. Trent was in jail. There was too many witnesses. And a camera. Trent would never step a foot outside prison again. Everyone knew this, and the trials hadn't even started yet. But there was just too much proof.
Sam lived here. I couldn't live alone, and he had taken the extra room I had. He said he could take the couch, but I told him he couldn't. I couldn't let him sleep on a couch. I just couldn't.
The funeral was in a week. And now I was calling to tell Ellen about it. She didn't even know he was dead.
"Sophia?" Ellen asked when I hadn't said anything for a while. But the tears were too much. I couldn't say it. Sam got up from his seat and took the phone from me, putting it to his ear.
"Hi, Ellen," I heard him say before he was out of hearing distance.
He was gone for a few minutes before he came back, and he sat down next to me. His arms came around me, and I leaned my head against him.
We had been sitting like this more times than I could count during these last two weeks. It was insane.
"They're coming," he whispered, and I felt myself nodding.
We sat like that until Sam had to go. He was supposed to pick up Dean's stuff. The police wanted Sam to pick everything up, being Dean's brother and everything. If Sam hadn't existed, then I would have done it. But I couldn't do it. So I sat in the couch, waiting for Sam to bring it back.
He came back after almost forty minutes, and then Bobby left us alone. He said goodbye for the day. He lived down at the motel, and he would go home after the funeral.
I walked into the kitchen with Sam, where he put a box down on the table.
"Okay, let's see," he mumbled, taking everything out. It wasn't much. Dean had left the almost everything back here. ID, money... So the few things in the box was his clothes, keys, his two rings, necklace, his watch, and that bracelet he had never once taken off since he got if from me when he turned nineteen.
Sam picked out the bracelet and the necklace – two things we had already decided on. Dean never took them off, so he should be buried with them. That was only fair.
Sam took the watch, glancing at me and I nodded. He could take it.
Hesitant, I took the wedding band from the table and looked at it. Sam took the other ring. I already had a silver chain around my neck, so I took it off and removed the pendant that was on it now. I pulled the chain through the ring, and locked it around my neck again.
Sam reached for the keys, and handed them to me. But I couldn't take them.
"Sam..."
"Soph, you should take them."
"The car belonged to your father, before Dean. It's only right that you take her."
"Soph," Sam said, holding the keys in his hands. "The only thing Dean loved more than that stupid car was you."
"That's not true," I argued. Dean loved Sam, and Sam knew that.
"I know, Soph," he murmured. "But there was only two girls in Dean's life. You and that car. So take the keys. Please."
I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. I reached my hand out, and Sam dropped the keys in it. Sure, I would take them, but I would never drive her. No way. It was Dean's car. But even though I wouldn't drive her, there was no way that I could sell her. There was too many memories for that. And I could never do that to Dean. So I would have the keys, and her, until Sam decided to take her. He would need a car. I already had my Volvo.
Sam turned around and opened a cabinet, taking something out. He held a box when he turned toward me again.
"Dean never had a chance to give this to you, but I know he would want you to have it."
He handed the box to me, and more tears spilled over. My birthday gift.
I closed my eyes, squeezing the box.
"I'll leave you alone," Sam said, and I felt him leaving the room.
I don't know how long I stood like that – eyes closed and the box in my hands. I didn't dare open it. I wasn't scared, or anything like that. I just... a part of me didn't want to know what was in there.
But I took a deep breath, opened the box, and cried more.
In it was the exact same bracelet as I wore on my arm already. The one he gave to me last year. But this one was engraved. In a beautiful script, twelve words were written down. 'Soph, today I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.'
The words were from his wedding speech, and I would never forget those words. Especially not now.
I left my old bracelet on, but I placed my new one next to it. I loved the extra weight, but I hated that Dean wasn't here to place it there. I hated that Dean wasn't here to see it on me.