Disclaimer: Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
Title: Gray-colored Happiness
Chapter: 26 of 42
Chapter 26
"Hey, Sasuke?"
"Hn."
"Do you think we'll ever make it?"
"Where?"
"Home. Are we ever gonna make it home?"
"What home?"
"The village. Konoha. You know, home."
"That's not my home."
"What-what do you mean?"
"I mean that's not my home."
"But it is. How can you say that? We've been looking for you for a long time just to bring you back."
"So?"
"So? So? So we're trying to take you home, that's what!"
"I didn't ask you to."
"Hmph. That's not the point."
"Don't be an idiot."
"Stop calling me an idiot!"
"Stop being one."
A moment of silence passes.
"So do you think we will?"
"What?"
"Get home. Geez, what do you think we've been talking about? And they call me the idiot . . ."
"Idiot."
"Sasuke!"
A pause.
"I'm sure you'll make it."
"Not you?"
"That's not my home, I told you."
"But it is! That's where you were born, that's where your family . . ."
"There's nothing for me there now."
"What?"
"I'm sick of repeating myself."
"But there are people there, friends putting their lives on the line for your sake. What about them?"
"Friends?"
"Sakura, Kakashi . . ."
"Hn."
"And me. What about me, Sasuke?"
"What about you?"
"Well. I want you to come home. I want my best friend back. Isn't that enough?
"Aren't I enough?"
A long, quiet, oppressive silence.
"No, Naruto. You're not enough."
o.o.o
As it turns out, Naruto really did have a mission. One outside Konohagakure; it seems he's been having a lot of those lately.
This should've helped; if I didn't have to see him, I wouldn't have to think about him. And then "Sasuke's new survival plan" could be implemented.
It didn't exactly pan out.
Now that he's gone, his absence haunts me like all my other ghosts. He's everywhere in a way I can't escape; his memory boring into me like the drill to a deep, full oil well. And my feelings are just the same: thick and black and sludgy.
How quickly and completely I screwed things up.
No, not me.
'You.'
/Do not blame me when there was nothing to ruin. You don't even know what you feel and with no reciprocation, why worry?/
'I'm sure you've ruined something.'
/I am only trying to preserve your life./
'My life? Ha! You're trying to save your own worthless, nonexistent hide.'
I don't understand how in the world I got into this mess. And over Naruto? Naruto, of all people! I can barely stand him, best friend or not and now this. . . what?
My stomach twists and tumbles and I become nauseous.
There's no turning back now, even I can see that.
I feel foolish and immature, not being ready to make a decision. It makes me feel like a kid.
Naruto.
Itachi.
Too many choices have led to too many disasters and will continue to do so. I make my own decisions but sometimes I wonder if they are the right ones. But I can't back down. And there are no easy choices.
It is too much.
It is all too much.
Naruto doesn't even know.
No, I've got to stop this.
Don't think about him.
It's not exactly working.
Every time I close my eyes, he appears in both good and bad, ending always on that last repulsed, revolted, sickened look on his face. I can't erase it. Even so, he's the reason I came back and forfeited my life.
If I now lost him as a friend . . .
Why did I bother coming back, letting them trap me, torture me, if that's how it ends?
But I did succeed in what I set out to do. Naruto is alive and that's all I had intended and that is enough. My life is forfeit; I knew that long ago. Nothing changes.
Besides, I have most assuredly mangled things as deftly as if I single-handedly orchestrated the line of events that brought us to this.
But if I lost him as a friend . . .
I would lose all reason to survive.
Oh.
That's an unwelcome, unpleasant and wholly unforeseen thought. I don't care to think that again and try to banish it.
But it lurks there in the muck of my darkest fears like a monster in the shadows. Its eyes are red and glittering.
Oddly enough, like his.
/You are still such a child. Your sole purpose is to survive. To be an Uchiha and make more little Uchihas to come after you./
'And why?'
/To make your mother happy. To fulfill your destiny./
'Destiny?'
What a bunch of nonsense.
I have already fulfilled whatever destiny I may have had.
Now there is no going back. And nowhere to go forward.
"What's wrong with me?"
"Oh, so many things, Sasuke."
My eyes open a fraction wider.
Kakashi is sitting on the arm of the sofa, his feet propped up on the cushion in front of him and his face bears that exasperating half-smile that I truly detest. I neither noticed his entrance nor realized I spoke aloud, and that can mean no good.
"Now, don't give me that look," he admonishes. "What's the problem this time?'
He's far too amused by this.
His eye is doing that curvy thing again. One day, I'll straighten that loathsome curve into a perfectly expressionless line. Permanently.
The left side of my face twitches with barely suppressed rage. "I'm not talking to you." I made that mistake once; I have no intention of repeating it.
"Gee and it sounds an awful lot like you are."
Forget straightening his eye. I'm going to pull it out by the bloody, dangling root and let him stumble around blind.
"You've been moping," he singsongs as he sits down on the couch properly. "More than usual." He pats his lap encouragingly as if he expects me to sit on it. "Tell me all about it."
He's being way creepier than normal and blatantly condescending. I think I'll rip off that mask too and cut off his lips and yank out his tongue so he's left with nothing but a big gaping hole that makes no sound, not even "ouch" when he bumps into things, seeing as he has no eyes.
Seeing as he has no eyes.
Heh-heh.
I smirk.
"What are you thinking about?" Kakashi asks.
"Pleasant things."
Old One-eye doesn't change his expression, but tilts his head as if he finds that prospect interesting, if not altogether believable.
"I heard you and Naruto had a bit of a falling out."
"Hn." I state, sick to death of everyone's intrusiveness. "Why would you think that?"
"I have my ways," he says mysteriously.
I grunt and turn away, placing my chin in my hand. "Iruka probably told you."
"Well, that is one of my ways, yes," he says, completely unbothered by the mundanity of his information gathering network.
He stares at me a little while and I let my eyelids droop in apathy and boredom.
"Let me see your hand," he says suddenly.
I raise an eyebrow.
"Don't be difficult," he chastises. "I'm your teacher and your guardian and I can make you do what I say if I have to."
Yeah, right.
But it's not like I care.
/No, of course not./
'I already have one antagonist to contend with right now, how about you stay out of this?'
/I think not./
I hold my hand out, palm up. I expect him to temporarily release the seals like he does for training- he's the key holder, after all – but instead he cups my hand in his like water in a saucer. I instinctively flinch before regaining control, all of which Kakashi soundly ignores.
He concentrates hard on the imprinted concentric circles a moment before sliding his finger over my bare skin.
This time I do pull away.
"Don't be a baby," he chides and takes my hand roughly to continue inspecting my seal. I allow this only because I am not a baby..
Kakashi proceeds to press his thumbs into my palm, pulling and stretching and squishing the marks of my seal.
My eyes go cloudy as my mind travels back to a very different time with a somewhat similar action. It was nothing like this, all analytical and harsh. When Naruto did this, it was warm, soothing, and lulled me into a pleasantly sleepy state.
/Stop that./
"You like that, do you?" Naruto had asked, his voice low.
I did.
/Enough./
Kakashi brings his one normal eye down close to my palm and peers into it as though through the lens of a microscope.
I don't like this.
"So?" I spit out vehemently. "We done?"
Kakashi sighs the age-old sigh of the downtrodden and finally, after eons have passed, he lets go. He leans back as I wipe my hand on my pant leg.
"It's as I suspected," he says in a pathetic attempt to peak my interest. It's not at all peaked, but I'm no mood for games, either.
/Are you ever?/
"What?" I snap.
/In the mood for games./
'I'm not talking to you.'
/Ku-ku-ku./
"What exactly did you do, during training?" Kakashi asks, glancing over at me as if I've been harboring some deep, dark secret.
/Haven't you?/
'Oh, shut up.'
I shift my head. "Just concentrated," I reply, which is basically true. So what if it also had to do with a snake and a lot of supposition?
"Concentrated?" Kakashi is more irritated than interested.
Good.
I take a long, slow blink and a deep, cleansing breath. "I just made the sharingan work for these eyes."
Kakashi lifts his eyebrows but nods his head thoughtfully. Then he crouches down in front of me and takes my hand again, holding on like a vice so that when I try to jerk free, I can't. He pries my fingers open to take another look at the bull's eye mark on my palm, appropriately similar to the one on my future.
"It's cracking," he says, staring deep into the code of my hand. "The seal."
My hand is released, so I place it in my lap, once again wiping it on my clothes and these pants are probably now contaminated beyond reclamation.
"Is that good or bad?" I inquire uncertainly. It's hard to tell these days.
/Oh, it is very good indeed./
And that response makes me think: bad. My parasite has too much reign as it is.
/You wound me./
'You have no idea how much I wish I could.'
/Actually, I do. But it is of no consequence, seeing as you are helpless./
'Enough.'
It's a long while before Kakashi continues and when he does, it is with an unsettling and not reassuring, "I don't know."
I snarl at his utter uselessness.
"But there is one way to find out." That smile is back, along with that stupid rainbow shaped eye.
He wags his finger at me. All I can think about is how much I want to tear the grin from his face.
Again.
o.o.o
"All right, now try to stop it!"
Stop it? I clamp my mouth shut to hold in the phoenix fire flower jutsu that really, truly, no kidding, wants to come out. It's not so much "hot" as it is weighty, pressing against the back of my teeth and filling my mouth like ashy overdue vomit.
My eyes begin to water.
Unable to contain it any longer, I belch forth a large cloud of sooty, smoky jutsu that trails a few fiery tendrils. I begin to hack, trying to catch my breath and rid myself of the charcoal taste that has lodged within my throat. My eyes flow freely from the effort and I would really like to stop now, but my throat has other plans.
"Now let me see your hand," Kakashi orders, completely unconcerned with the fact that I am about to expel one or both of my lungs onto the ground. He steps towards me and reaches out, but I violently slap him away.
"Get the hell away from me," I try to say, but it comes out sounding more like "heh-hee-ack!"
And still he doesn't care, stepping forward and forcefully grabbing my hand. I'm too busy trying to not die to put up any meaningful resistance.
Kakashi takes my hand harshly and jerks it up to his face, practically jamming the fingers up his nose. It is so unfair that he looks bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after our bout whereas I feel two steps away from death. Of course, that was the whole point. I had to keep the seal while using jutsu after jutsu to expel the bulk of my chakra. To my great annoyance, that didn't take too long as apparently the seal works a bit like a faucet and Kakashi had it set to "useless trickle".
I'm almost too exhausted to truly be annoyed.
/It only means you must practice more. So much potential, so little brought to fruition./
'Oh, shut up!'
Kakashi frowns.
"What?" I rasp out with a final painful intake of air. It seems like my lungs have finally cleared, but the strain still makes my eyes water.
"It's as I thought." Kakashi scowls.
/Oh, this is good. This is very, very good. Best you have all your ability available to you, I think./
'You're just deciding things on your own. And whatever it is you're scheming, just stop right now. I'm not doing anything for you.'
/We shall see about that./
Then I feel the familiar tingle of the seal reactivating fully, followed by the black emptiness left behind by the absence of my chakra.
My knees buckle under the weight of my body and I fall to the ground. Huffing shortly, I look up to the old man, realizing just how heavy my eyelids are getting. Like a runaway freight train, my weariness is hitting me head-on.
/More training, my pet. You need more training./
I don't even have the energy to fight the parasite.
"I need to go speak with the Hokage," Kakashi says seriously. He considers me with an almost devilish smile on his face. "But first perhaps we ought to take care of our little sleeping beauty."
What did I say about these stupid nicknames? But I feel the burden of my tiredness fall on me - my head, my neck, my eyes – and then I fall, but I never hit the ground.
Someone catches me first.
o.o.o
Every crack of twig, every rustle of leaves, and every whistle of wind jolts my harried mind.
I can't remember the last time I worried about anything. It is a nervous, jittery feeling, like bugs are running up my spine and into my ear and I don't like it one bit.
But after Kyuubi's little romp that destroyed a good part of Konoha, I think I'm allowed.
I keep myself well hidden behind the edge of the tree trunk and peer with my sharingan eyes into the forbidding forest beyond. They're not much help in a situation like this. I can only see the enemy if they move to attack.
As assured as I can be that no enemies are skulking about, I recede back into the depths of the makeshift shelter. The tree is giant, reminiscent of the forest of our genin test, and with a little extra cover, I've made a viable hiding place.
The fire is still burning brightly but well concealed from the outside world. I take a seat next to my patient and watch the uneven rise and fall of his chest. Gently, I place the back of my hand on his forehead and am nearly scalded by the heat. His fever has only gotten worse.
The damned idiot.
I rifle through the dwindling supply bag with my one good hand for the last of the water bottles. When I finally find it, I bring it to Naruto's lips and tilt his head up.
"Swallow," I command wearily.
He takes only a sip before abruptly closing his mouth and shaking his head.
"Naruto . . ." He's getting on my nerves.
He needs more water, but every time I give him some he gets violent, knocking the bottle away and splattering the precious commodity all over the dirt floor. Sighing, too exhausted to even yell at him, I try to get to my feet so that I can get more supplies.
Naruto grips my hand and it is surprisingly strong, all things considered. At least it's my good hand so it doesn't hurt too badly. His head shakes crazily from side to side and I can't be sure of the reason.
"Naruto," I repeat tiredly. "We need more water."
He continues to shake his head and I don't care if it's not his fault, it's getting annoying.
"I have to go now, while I'm sure the coast is clear," I say with far less patience than just a moment ago.
But he's having none of it, even while asleep. At least he damn well better be asleep or I'll kill him and solve my little problem. He uses both hands to pull my arm and yank me clumsily down beside him. I fall hard on two of my ribs, ones that I'm pretty certain were cracked and now are likely broken. They probably punctured a lung too.
"Oof!" I exclaim elegantly and close my eyes as I slowly let the searing pain recede and let the more manageable throbbing ache enter. "Idiot!" I snap, but then groan, finding that the only one paying for that comment is me and my bruised ribs.
Naruto rolls in toward me making his hot, rancid breath pulse along my shoulder, bringing to mind rot and the slow deterioration of internal organs.
It smells like death.
But his face looks more peaceful now, even flushed and disturbingly hot to the touch.
I suppose I can let it be for now. We should be safe for a while yet.
I adjust my weight a little more comfortably and settle in for an extended nap. I didn't sense any threatening presences nearby and the two scouts I dispatched earlier haven't yet returned.
I'm hoping this bodes well.
Naruto mumbles unintelligibly in his sleep and it sounds like pain.
So I let it be, for now, when he scoots a little closer.
o.o.o
"Are you still asleep?" Kakashi asks, tapping me on the forehead with his knuckles.
I open my eyes, snarl at him and cough up a small puff of smoke that had been loitering in my stomach since earlier in the day.
I was not asleep. How could I sleep when little fiery bits of jutsu keep bouncing around my insides? It's very unpleasant.
/It is terrible down there./
'Wait. How do you know? Aren't you only trapped in my mind?'
He shrugs. Orochimaru shrugged. That is so creepy. I hate when he does things like that.
"Get up," Kakashi commands.
I scowl at him but comply, bracing my hands on the couch back and arm. The dissolving jutsu in my stomach sloshes like rocks of lava in an acid lake.
Glaring upward at him from the couch, I'm glad for the mask or otherwise I'd be looking up his nose.
He looks unhappy. His eye, not his nose. And the crossed arms.
/Angry little scarecrow shouldn't play with fire . . ./
'What the hell is wrong with you?'
"Show me the chidori." His voice holds the grimness usually reserved for enemies.
/Oh-ho-ho./
"No," I say.
"Why not?"
"Why should I?" I snap with far more emotion than I intended.
"Because I'm telling you to."
"And is that supposed to mean something?"
"Sasuke," Kakashi says with irritable exhaustion. "Don't make me go through this again. You're under my care and I don't think things will go well for you if I have to tell the council you aren't cooperating."
My eyes thin as I look at him; I'm so sick of that threat.
/But it is true. Those wrinkled old bags have been in power for too long. They have no sense of vision and the power has gone to their heads. But they will learn one day . . ./
I tilt my head and train my unwavering gaze on Kakashi as I stand. Reflexively, my left hand clenches at my side. Kakashi stands stolidly at the front entrance of the room, arms crossed. He makes no indication that he will move any time soon.
"Shouldn't we at least go outside?" I suggest.
"No," he answers coolly. "I don't think that will be necessary."
/Oh, well my goodness. This ought to be informative./
'Don't sound so pleased. This could get you in trouble too.'
/Do not underestimate me, my pet. I have been here a long time and no one has noticed. I do not fear this meager display of yours. It will reveal nothing./
'No one?'
/Hmm . . ./
"Well?" Kakashi asks, more sharply than I've heard him speak in a long time. "What are you waiting for?"
I don't know, a miracle? People are constantly coming by and bothering me, yet all of a sudden they're listening when I tell them to leave me alone at the exact moment I could use the diversion.
Typical.
I nervously stretch the fingers of my left hand. "I can't do anything with these seals."
Old One-eye shoots me a nasty glance as if it's my fault that he's forgotten. Impatiently, he waves his hand at me to offer up my own like a bleak sacrifice. He's very rough compared to usual, and I'm not sure which behavior is worse; they are both disturbing in their own way. He does his little "unseal" jutsu and the power tumbles back into me in a rush. My foot slips backward. It's never been like this before.
/Careful, my pet, careful. No use advertising to everyone how weak you have become./
'I'm not weak, just startled.'
/If you would rid yourself of your worthless soft sentimentality, you would gain the strength you should already own./
'I'm not sentimental.'
/Well, I am working on that./
"I'm not waiting all day, Sasuke."
I spare one short glance for Kakashi then inhale a deep gulp of the stale apartment air. I haven't attempted this particular jutsu in quite a while, but I should be able to do it. I wiggle my fingers to test their strength and mobility. The chakra coils like lengths of thread around the fingertips. Slowly, I wrap the fingers of my right hand around my left wrist. Then I let the power come.
There are a few sparks of static electricity and a whiff of ozone, burnt and ionic, released into the air. I feel the slow pull on my hair as the current causes it to stand on end. I turn my head in toward my arm, partially to monitor my progress and partially to shield my face from prying eyes.
It hurts like hell.
Each stream of electric chakra rips through my muscles, like it's shredding them to a ragged, bloody mess. Then the burn begins, hot and acid as if my skin is melting away. My lips pull over my bared teeth and I only now realize I've squeezed my eyes shut. I can smell the smoldering of flesh and dust as the chidori starts to form. But it's wrong. Most of the chakra is lodging just below my elbow, bulging my bicep with the excess of unusable energy. The crackling light encircling my hand is minor and hardly intimidating. The sound of it is as if the birds that create it are being strangled and struggle for every last breath of air.
"That's enough."
But I'll make this work. I will make it work.
"Sasuke, that's enough!"
Kakashi sounds oddly frightened but I can't be distracted by that.
I can do this. I have to. I need to still be able to this, otherwise that would mean that I . . .
"Sasuke! Stop!" I feel the hard break of the wall before I feel the grip of his two unforgiving hands on my arms. In that instant, my concentration wavers, sending all that pooled chakra ricocheting back into me with the force of a million fatal stab wounds. I let out an involuntary pained gasp.
My vision has gone blurry from the agonizing impact catapulting through me in all directions until Kakashi is nothing more than a few indistinguishable shapes. My breath comes hard and my lungs protest each inhalation I have the audacity to survive. They would rather give up the fight already and I am inclined to let them have their way.
How easy and uncomplicated that would be.
I'm having a hard time sensing my arm at all aside from the heavy weight and the tortuous burn at the shoulder joint.
It seems it too has betrayed me, just like everything else.
o.o.o
When I wake up, I feel the unfortunate effects of sleeping on a rock floor. My eyes are gummy and thick like someone has poured rubber cement in them and it hasn't quite set.
I finally pry them open, but the only thing I see is darkness. The fire has gone out.
Night has fallen.
With a great groan and a severe protest of my many injuries, I manage to sit up. And after one quick look around, I slip right into that tricky emotional hole that stretches between annoyance and alarm.
Naruto is gone.
Scrambling to my feet much too fast, and ignoring the attempted rebellion of my body and the sudden tilting of the world, I make my way to the shelter entrance.
My initial instinct is to head toward Konoha, and I do, but I make it only a short way before I realize there are no signs of passage. Naruto's far too weak and disoriented to have covered his tracks so well or taken to the trees. With a strange, unsettling feeling, I turn around and start in the other direction.
I find him not too far off, stumbling lamely over bracken and bramble and making very little headway.
"Hey, dobe," I chide irritably.
"Gotta . . . no . . .away . . . away," he mumbles. Or something like that. He's still feverish so he's not making much sense. I limp to his side to grab his shoulder when it becomes clear words won't suffice. He whirls on me, throwing a punch that doesn't even come close and ends up twisting his legs like a pretzel until he falls back on his ass.
"Idiot," I snap quietly, hoping to attract as little attention as possible and undo any damage that Naruto may have already done.
I drop to my better knee and reach out to help him up, but he slaps me away and immediately thrashes around on the ground as if he's possessed. His mouth opens and closes, but the only noise he makes is a sort of choking sound.
It sounds bubbly, like it's filled with blood.
There is really no choice now; he's making too much noise. If this keeps up, we're going to be in big trouble. I straddle his body, sitting back on his legs and using my weight to hold him down. Then I make a desperate bid for his flailing arms and finally capturing them and pin them to the ground. They are spread out above his head, which continues to thrash from side to side as he spews that line of half-word gibberish. A small line of blood, dark, almost black, dribbles out the side of his mouth.
He howls like a sacrifice.
"Naruto," I whisper. I shake his wrists to get his attention. "Naruto. You've got to calm down."
He shakes he head vehemently a few more times then warbles through his throat as though drowning.
I lean down close to him and whisper his name, soft, soothing, so only he can hear it.
His neck arches backward, the tendons pulling on muscle, the veins popping to the surface and he bares teeth stained pink with his blood. He shouldn't be this bad. Even I can tell that. Normally he's a quick healer, but it looks like, if anything, he's getting worse.
Something's wrong.
/Kill him./
I won't, if for no other reason than to piss that stupid little voice off. But the truth is I'm not in good shape at the moment either. Everything aches and I am more a purple bruise than my normal skin color. There are broken bones and angry cuts, including a large gash over my chest, barely held together with hasty stitching. And there's an uncomfortable tingling in my left arm.
So I may as well take care of Naruto while I'm taking care of myself. I'm not going anywhere.
Naruto's breathing has slowed and he's finally stopped fighting me. His chest rises and falls with each shaky breath, making a wheezy, whistling noise as it escapes his mouth.
"Hey," I nudge nervously, taking another quick look around. But if anyone were going to attack, they'd have done so by now.
At long last, Naruto opens his eyes. He looks at me pleadingly, yet scarcely cognizant if at all. His eyes are the deepest of blue, like the murky depths of the ocean. They flicker to violet, blue, violet, and for a brief instant, red. He squeezes them shut and I watch as his newly sharpened claws dig into the palms of his hands.
Slowly, carefully, I ease my hands beneath his cutting fingers and free the claws from his palms with a small spray of blood. Gripping on tight, my fingers laced between his, I let him cut the backs of my hands instead.
I cringe.
After about a full minute, Naruto passes out. I let out a long breath of air and pry my hands free. He looks oddly innocent like this. His lungs are still rattling and he's managed to tear open some of the bad stitching on his wounds, but at least he looks calm. Almost like he's dead.
And I've often wanted him dead and gone. I've been a step away from killing him myself too many times to count.
But I sling his arm over my shoulder and drag him back anyway.
He's really got to lose some weight.