Chapter 26: You'll Be Saying WOW Every Time!

Can't have a story about a vampire slayer without some vamp ass-kicking :)

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The slapping of my flip flops against pavement echoed in the otherwise silent streets, unlike Haldir. His feet seemed to barely touch the ground as we ran in the direction of a scream we heard. Hmm. Wish I had elven grace, must be nice to have such sneaky skills.

Glancing at myself and then him I realized we were not looking very stealthy with my hot pink bikini top and short black shorts and Haldir's fair skin that seemed to glow in the lamplights.

Along the way I briefly explained vampires. "Ok, first off they are already technically dead. The only way to kill them for sure is to stab their heart with a wooden, pointy object," I raised my stake, "Or separate their head from their body. But I'm lacking on swords at the house so we'll have be make due with what's left of my parent's picnic table." Haldir and I laughed at the image of the splintered bench.

"Also, for future reference, holy water, like the water the priest had at church this morning, burns them and so do crosses. Don't have either of those, but we do have an elf and a slayer so I bet we cool."

I skidded to a stop when I saw the entrance to a small alley that connected our neighborhood to a back road. Motioning for Haldir to be quiet, I crept to the alley and clutched my stake. Splinters had embedded themselves into my skin while I was running over here and my hand ached faintly. I always found it interesting that our slaying trainers neglected to mention how many damn times we get splinters on the job. When a job involves impaling vampires with pointy wooden objects a person is at high risk for splinters.

I heard a whimper from the alley and casually walked into the darkened area with my stake hidden behind my back. Two men looked up sharply at the sound of my steps. One was slim, had spiked blond hair, and a goofy grin. His buddy was the opposite; tall, dark-skinned, and super serious. I'd put my money on him being the straight man of the comedy show. They towered over a teenage girl whose dark blond locks hid her neck, but a trail of blood running over her clavicle told me she'd been bit already. Faintly I motioned with a flick of my right wrist for Haldir to stay hidden. If the two vamps saw an imposing elf they may decide to use the girl as a hostage. One nice thing about being short and petite: people are always underestimating you, especially men.

Mr. Serious glared at me. "Lost, little girl?" His sexist pig eyes focused on my chest as he spoke.

Goofy just whistled. "Ooh, today is a buy one get free special! Call now and get a 'lil somethin-somethin' extra with your purchase." Licking his lips oh-so subtly he winked at me.

My first instinct was to be disgusted. Not only were they demonic bastards but they were sexist pigs as well. But something about Goofy seemed familiar; something about his voice. It dawned on me within a moment as I remembered coming home from slaying late at night and watching infomercials.

"Holy shitaki!" I exclaimed. "Are you the Sham-Wow guy?!" My eyes couldn't believe what I was seeing. It's not everyday you see a Class E celebrity.

Sham-Wow dude jutted out his chin and preened like a peacock. "Hell yes, baby. You like what you see?" Strutting over to me, he looked me up and down and paused on my chest. "Mmm-mmm girl! I would like to motor boat those babies!"

On the outside I gave him a false, inviting smile when I really would have loved to run him over with a motor boat, preferably with his head right next to the propeller. Once he had strutted his way to me I bitch-slapped him hard enough to push him towards Haldir and then I dove forward at Mr. Serious. By the expression on his face, I could tell Mr. Serious wasn't expecting a roundhouse kick across his face. His face vamped-out and he staggered backwards so I used that moment to check on the girl. Placing two fingers against her neck her steady pulse told me she was ok. "Get out of her Hun. These guys are fucked-up on some drugs."

She nodded slowly, still in shock. "O-Okay," she stuttered.

"Okay then, run!" She stood up and stumbled past where Haldir and Sham-Wow were fighting. "And remember, this is your mind on drugs!" I called after her. I figured if I had to lie to people about the things that go bump in the night the least I can do is turn it into an after-school special.

Those precious seconds I spent on the girl gave Mr. Serious an opportunity to grab me in a tight squeeze. I gasped, pressed my feet against the brick wall, and pushed back violently. The vamp landed on his back and released me enough so I could forcibly roll out of his grasp. Kicking up with my feet, I landed into a battle stance. Mr. Serious came after me again with a right-hook that I blocked easily enough and I thrust my palm into his nose. Blood spurted out and he made a sloppy punch towards me. Grabbing his forearm with both hands I snapped it and he lent out a piercing scream.

Eyes sweeping the floor for my stake, I kicked him in the chest. Finding my stake next to a dumpster I scooped it up and plunged it into Mr. Serious' heart. His eyes widened in that moment when he realized death was imminent and next he burst into dust. I caught my stake before it fell to the ground and checked on Haldir.

Not that I was surprised after sparring with him in Lothlórien, but he was totally kicking Sham-Wow's ass. What was surprising was that the Sham-Wow dude wasn't half-bad. Looked like he had some martial arts training; who would have guessed?

I didn't want to waste all night with this fight but I was curious about something. Right before Haldir released a punch I grabbed the back of Sham-Wow's shirt and threw him against the wall.

"Hey! He was mine." Haldir looked perturbed that I had taken his opponent.

"Geez, Hal. Didn't you learn to share in kindergarten?" Off his blank look I added, "At school?" I laughed and focused my attention on Sham-Wow.

He glared up at me but didn't move. Now in vamp face it was hard to tell who he was, but still possible. "Okay Sham-Wow, I got a few questions before I kill you."

"You bitch," he spat out. "Why the hell should I answer questions if you're going to kill me."

I pretended to ponder for a moment and stroked my chin. "Well," I began lightly. "I could kill you with a simple stake through the heart or I could carve it out with a spoon which could take a very, very long time."

An audible gulp came from his throat so I took that as permission to proceed. "First, are there any more of you around here?"

"No." I examined his face and saw truth there.

"Okay, now for the important one. Who the hell turned a lame-ass infomercial guy who was arrested on assault charges for beating a prostitute into a vampire?"

Sham-Wow shrugged. "It was this chick who I thought was a prostitute in Miami. She was a big fan and turned me so we could be together 'forever'," he ended sarcastically.

I bust up laughing. "Oh my God, that is so lame."

"As lame as you trying to fight me!" With that Sham-Wow kicked out at me but missed since I backed away.

"Okay dude, first rule of evil battling. You always loose the upper-hand when you make the snide comments *before* you strike." I shook my head. "You were a fun salesman, but you don't make a very good vampire."

He stood suddenly and was breathing heavily. "How about they'll need at least ten Sham-Wow towels to soak up the blood of your beaten body when I'm done with you?"

Haldir looked furious at his comment but I just cracked up, which only further infuriated Sham-Wow. "Not bad, not bad. But I got one better."

Peering at me suspiciously, curiosity won out and he asked, "What's that?"

I twirled my stake. "Imagine if they made an infomercial for this stake. I can just imagine it now: Using the Mr. Pointy 3000 you'll be saying WOW every time!"

After my witty saying, I shoved my stake into Sham-Wow's chest. Eyes widening he looked down at his chest and said "Wow." Dust exploded onto me and I wiped it off as best as I could.

"So," I began brightly. "Those were vampires. What did ya think?"

"Interesting creatures. They look human but move quickly and are stronger than I expected."

We began walking back to my house. "Well they were human once. But once they got bit and then got their blood sucked and then sucked the vampire's blood- it's this whole big sucking thing- poof! A demon sets up shop in their body and their soul is gone. It may walk, talk, and have the memories of that person, but it is not that person. Which can be hard to remember sometimes, even for me."

"How so, Sofia?"

I shrugged, reluctant to go into yet another disturbing tale I seem to have collected in the last five years. "I told you there were hundreds of vampire slayers, right?" He nodded. "One of them during my first year, her name was Anna, got caught by some vamps on patrol. They turned her and she showed up the next day when we were training and pretended to be normal. All of us had only been slayers for a couple months so we didn't know better. She convinced us to take a break from work and took us to a 'party'." I laughed dryly. "Sure was a hell of a party- a nest of ten vamps versus five girls."

"What happened?"

"It was an… experience. A couple girls got badly injured, but the five of us made it our alive."

"And your friend, Anna?"

"I'll admit, I had a hard time fighting her. She kept pretending to be Anna and it really messed with my head. I just couldn't believe that this person who looked like my friend was really gone. In the end another slayer dusted her."

Haldir wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kept it there while we walked. "Battle is indeed a harsh experience. The loss of friends never looses its bitter taste; no matter how long were fight."

"True that."

"By the way, Sofia, why didn't you let me finish that, what did you call him? Sham-Wow guy?"

I winced. "Sorry bout that. When slaying I get caught up in the moment. And after that guy's disgusting comments I really, *really* wanted to finish him. My bad, Hal. I didn't mean to take your dude it just sort of happened."

"His comments towards you were quite improper. It is why I wanted to destroy that fiend.

I giggled and wrapped my arm around his back. "Why, my dear Marchwarden, were you attempting to defend my honor? That is so cute!"

Haldir grunted and gave me a dirty look. "My actions were certainly not cute! They were-"

"Very manly, I'm sure." I patted his arm.

"Very ellon-ly, more so."

"Is that a word?" I asked just to play on his nerves.

"Sofia, you are an exasperating female."

"Yeah, yeah, bet you say that to all the girls, you sweet talker, you."

"I am confused, why did you laugh at that vampire when he made a serious threat at you?'

"Umm. Well, I just didn't take him seriously. Vampires are always trying to act big and bad, but they seldom are. Besides, its more interesting to make them made by laughing at them.

"Uh-huh. An interesting fighting technique. Perhaps I shall teach that to the marchwardens."

I looked at him in surprise. "Really?"

Haldir gave me one of those looks; that 'Honestly Sofia you are such a ditz' look. I answered my own question. "Nope, no, you're just joking," I grumbled. "Don't knock it till you've tried it though!"

"Of course, Sofia. Whatever you say." A smile played across his lips. I decided to ignore it for now, since I did steal his kill after all.

I flashed him a winning smile. We had just reached my back yard again. "By the way, how do I look? Do I have blood or dirt from fighting on me?"

Blue eyes traveled up and down my body as a sly grin appeared on his face. "You look… wet."

I turned my head to the side, confused. "Wet?"

Haldir laughed and scooped me up in his arms. Taking a few quick steps to the pool he dumped me into the deep end. "There now, I think that makes up for your cheating at the game earlier and stealing my opponent." He laughed while I sputtered angry noises. "See you inside, Vancarmiel!"

"Damn you, Haldir! I'll get you, and your little doggy too!"

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End Notes:

Haldir only has less than a day left in Cleveland... What do you think should be included in his adventures? :)

*Check out the Sham-Wow guy at You-Tube: .com/watch?v=QwRISkyV_B8