Letting Go.

'A big part of letting go is realising when it is time to stay in a situation, and when it is time to move on.'
-Darren L. Johnson.

It was Zexion who stepped out of the door that day, and Zexion who began to search for Demyx, Demyx who Ienzo had hurt and scarred and... I shook my head. I was not two different people, though I felt like it sometimes. I was me, and I did bad things, like any person had the capability to... I closed my eyes and breathed in the air deeply before looking out across the golden fields. I also did good things.

"Demyx!" I was searching, but I was at peace, for I felt I had already found 5/6 of the answer. Now I had only to find the blond to whom I owed a great deal, and for whom I had so many apologies that could never be expressed in words. I passed through the fields, but the talented musician was nowhere to be found. I looked up at the trees that loomed so ominously over me, but inexplicably, I felt no apprehension about walking into the darkness. I began to leave the comfort of the sunny expanse, and though I couldn't fathom why, I felt as if I knew the paths that weaved in and out of the trees and despite their complexity, I was confident that I knew which one would lead me to him. As I walked through the mess of leaves, twigs and dirt, I had a lot of time to reflect.

I was a thief, I was a murderer. I was an embodiment of immorality and disgrace. However, I was also a man with the immense potential and in a few years I would have the knowledge to save as many lives as I had ruined. I would do so, not only to lift the weight of the coffins on my conscience, but because I wanted to. The penny dropped. I was not a bad person. I was a good person who did bad things. A bad person wouldn't desire this as strongly as I did. I wasn't evil. I laughed tentatively, as if I were scared of frightening off this precious revelation, and then wiped my eyes which had brimmed with the beginnings of happiness. The insane euphoria of inner peace washed over me. I was untouchable now.

When I found him, he was asleep, probably unable to stay awake the full day after the sleeping patterns I had gotten him into. He was curled up into a ball in a small clearing, his face screwed in displeasure, most likely due to a nightmare flashing through his mind. I frowned in the knowledge that the nightmare was probably little different from real life. Conscious of every action now, I walked over and intentionally woke him.

"Dem... Demyx, come on..."

"Dad... get up, please..." He wasn't quite awake yet, but the words stung me and I wondered if he was dreaming of what I had done. The green eyes slowly opened and the disorientation cleared quickly when he saw me. "NO! Get away!" He scrambled untidily to his feet, and I just watched sorrowfully, knowing I had near ruined what we had. I raised my hands in surrender when I saw the panic in his eyes and dropped onto my knees, but I was desperate to pin him and stop him leaving me. I understood quickly that one realisation wouldn't be enough to silence a need for control that had consumed my life for so long. I saw him taking a few steps away from me, and my muscles tensed.

"Demyx... Please, I'm sorry, I won't hurt you..." I gushed out the words, wanting to explain myself. "I know what I did was wrong, but I love you, I may not be in love with you, because... well... you're right; I don't know you anymore. But I want to, and I want to go back to how we were. I need you to give me a chance, Demyx."

"..." I could tell he was cautious, and I watched him begin to walk slowly around me. I did my best not to turn my head, wondering if he might try to strangle me. "The thing is, Zexion... we both know that you're smart enough to be lying. I think you're doing this to get me back." I considered this, and I knew he was right. I stumbled over myself to try and find a way to convince him, but I knew the only way to do that was to act against all instinct I had screaming inside my head.

"...Then go. If you really can't believe me or trust me again, then I need you to go, because trust me, Demyx, I'm going to take years to get over you," I said with conviction, locking my eyes with his. I watched him turn his back on me. Demyx walked away. I let him.

Three hours later, I was back home and I was reading because it was the only thing I could focus on. My hands were shaking with the beginnings of a loss I couldn't yet face, and my eyes were vacant. That night I didn't sleep, I just kept reading, and I kept reading the same line over and over again. I kept reading the same line over and over again... kept reading the same line over and over... over and...

Bzzt. Bzzt. I jolted into the waking world again and grabbed at my phone which was vibrating on the bed-side table. I pulled it to my ear, needing that link to reality right now, because this felt like a living nightmare. What did I have left?

"Hey, Dude," came oh-so-familiar voice of someone who was almost a father figure to me now.

"Xigbar..." I mumbled, my eyes welling up as reality hit me hard, and I gave a slow, shuddering sigh of satisfaction, allowing my subconscious to mull everything over. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the blank ceiling, a sad smile spreading across my features.

"How've you been? I haven't spoken to you in a while." I hesitated. I had never told Xigbar what had really happened to me. I'd always twisted the truth because there had never been a 'good time' to tell him all that had happened. The weight was heavy on my chest, and I supposed Xigbar hadn't expected this response to such a simple question. I told him everything. I could hear him finding it difficult to formulate responses, but I loved him for trying. He stayed up all night with me even though he had work the next morning, and by 7pm, I felt almost back to my old self. To have someone talk and listen, to have someone that really cared.

"If you love something, Zexion, you've gotta let it go,"

"I know, and if it doesn't come back, it was never mine to keep..." I sighed in a resigned manner.

"You've been through a fucking lot, Kiddo. Guess it's not really right to call you that anymore, is it? Should probably talk to a professional about this instead of someone like me though."

"I know, Xigbar. I'll get around to it. I think I just need to get some rest right now." I closed my eyes and heard him give a light-hearted chuckle. It was a nice sound after the heavy mood that had been lingering over me.

"Alright, goodnight, Zexion. Take care."

"Night, Xiggy. Thank you."

I hung up first because I couldn't bear to hear the line go dead on me. I curled up in the white sheets, breathing in deeply. I could still faintly smell his scent, and that comforted me. I needed something to cling to, and so I carefully cradled his pillow in my arms, and then pulled it close, burying my face in it. The silence pressed painfully against me, and I curled up tighter to protect myself. The warmth of sleep was a long time coming, but when it took me, I watched my life play with a detached kind of regret and acceptance. The dream reminded me of something special. A little black book that lay abandoned somewhere in the boxes I had yet to unpack. A little black book that told the story of my life better than any dream ever could.

I owe it all to you, Axel.