Cursed

by lossehelin

For a thousand years the village has known of the beast living in the old palace. A beast said to live on human blood. One father knows the truth, and is now bound by word to return a favor he has ignored for thirteen years.

26. Hate's Truth

Sorry for the cliffhanger. I actually didn't even think about it being one. You might wish you were still waiting after reading this.

Disclaimer: Everyone owns a touch of hate… and it is never pretty.

Chapter 26: Hate's Truth

The echo of Kenshin's warning still rang in her mind as she stood before the shrine, and a chill that had nothing to do with the cool breeze ran up her back. For a moment she wavered, one hand fisting around her necklace, and she wanted to turn back. What if he was right? What if what she found out was something she couldn't handle? Would she forever regret her decision and wish she had simply kept her ignorance in favor of preserving a wonderful friendship with the master?

Warmth spread through the hand wrapped around the glass petal and her unease faded. A smile twitched her lips and she felt comforted, self-assured. Hadn't she already discovered and dealt with parts of his past without tainting her view of him? Wasn't she able to look at his unnatural appearance and see what no one else was able; that there was a man just like any other wanting to be accepted? Of course there were a lot of things that she didn't know about him and his past, but the Kenshin she knew now was different. After all, hadn't he stayed his hand from killing those hyena, even after they had attacked her and countless others? Sure he talked tough sometimes, but he didn't seem capable of doing something as horrible as what he had insinuated.

I'm sure he was only nervous and over-exaggerated the reality of what happened. I know it had to be something bad, or he would not have been cursed to live like this, but… I already know he had to kill people in the war. Blinking, her smile melted and she tilted her head. I bet it wasn't even something he did himself. I bet it was his father's fault to begin with. After all, his father started the war, not him. Pleased she had found a suitable explanation to the agitation still curling through her gut, she took a breath to gather her courage and stepped her way up the stairs.

Politely she knocked against the shoji before sliding it open, her voice calling out a soft greeting to the woman inside. Tomoe's voice graciously accepted her in, and as her eyes adjusted to the minimal light, Kaoru smiled at her figure standing at the base of the tree. It was darker than the last time she had visited, and Kaoru cast a worried frown at the five remaining petals still hanging onto the barren branches. They flickered and glowed, a weak resonance of light that was barely able to stave off the cover of night outside. Against her chest, her own lone petal was brighter than the five combined.

"It is wonderful, as always, to see you, child."

Kaoru jumped minimally as Tomoe's voice sounded just over her shoulder. Jerking slightly away, she blinked and wondered how she had moved so quickly without her noticing, but smiled in reply to her statement. "Yes, I… I was needing to talk to you, Tomoe-dono."

"Oh? Have you and Lord Himura been in another argument?" She seemed amused by the thought, her arm wrapping lightly around her shoulders to lead her closer to the final blossom.

"No." Settling down on one of the cushions she had brought in sometime before while visiting, Kaoru angled herself so that they were facing. "Though he has seemed a bit edgy lately, but I think that's because he's been working too much."

Nodding knowingly, Tomoe agreed with a soft smile. "Running a palace is a demanding job. After ignoring his duties for so long, I'm sure it will take him awhile to get used to the position." Sighing, Kaoru agreed, her head lowering to watch as she played with the necklace. "This is not what you came here to speak with me about, though, young one. Come. Say what is on your mind."

Gnawing on her lip, Kaoru sought out a way to explain. Kenshin had avoided the subject of the curse, but then, so had Tomoe on their first meeting. Though she had begun to visit Tomoe more often and shared much of what was happening outside of her shrine, she still was not aware of everything. There was still a wall that separated her from the outside world and all of the struggles and emotions that came with experiencing everything first hand. Kenshin was always there and so understood all, probably more, of what Kaoru felt about their situation. Little persuasion had been needed to coerce him into talking. Some would be needed for Tomoe.

"Tae and Katsu are doing well."

Deep black eyes considered her for a moment. "I am glad to hear this."

"Tae says it'll take her some time to get used to Katsu's messy habits, but he's trying to be tidier about his work." Tomoe didn't comment, and Kaoru stopped fidgeting long enough to look her in the eye. "Tae almost didn't live to know what it was like to be with him. Because of… the curse and what it has brought and the feelings of doubt and frustration and… longing…" Swallowing, Kaoru looked over at the pink petals next to her on the tree. "She almost killed herself because she didn't think he could love her. Not the way she is now. It is… an awful thing that has been done to them."

"You wish to know of the curse."

Chin level and steady, Kaoru met her gaze. "Yes."

"Just like when you took the petal, Kaoru-chan, it is not only me this will affect. Lord Himura must be consulted before…"

"I asked him today. He gave me permission to ask you."

"Did he?" The weight in her black eyes was heavy, and Kaoru wavered under her assessing stare. "But he told you nothing of it himself?"

"No… well, he said it was his fault, but he did not want to tell me why."

Something dark flickered through her irises, and Tomoe's answer was slow. "And why, do you think, that is?"

Biting her lip again, Kaoru picked at her kimono. "He seemed afraid of how I would react."

An ugly emotion contorted the woman's face, and Kaoru cringed back in confusion. It was strange to see any other appearance except one of serenity touch her beautiful features. "He has the audacity to appear reluctant now when not one moment of hesitance crossed his mind while in the midst of such atrocities? I was wrong in thinking he had changed!" The words were spit from her red lips, her body trembling. "He has simply changed tactics; become more shrewd." An overhead board popped, and the entire structure groaned. "I cannot believe I have become so complacent!" Sharp, craggily branches began whipping about in an unfelt wind, scratching against the outer walls and banging on the roof in a rage. "To think I had begun to regret my actions!" A whirlwind of pink dust picked up from the base of the tree, the tiny glass particles flying through the air with tornado-like force. "To think I actually felt sorrow!"

Trying to protect herself from the fury building inside the shrine, Kaoru pressed herself against a wall, her arms coming up to cover her face. A vision of the other woman burned itself into her mind as she caught glimpses of her around the buffeting sleeves of her kimono. Long hair rising up around her. A smooth brow wrinkled and creased as she scowled. Her lips biting at each of the words she spoke over the chaos of sound. But it was her eyes that frightened her, their soothing dark depths no longer cool, but hot. Sparks of energy and power echoed within their texture, boiling out of the confines of her iris until nothing but darkness covered the entire width of her eye. It was eerie. It was terrifying. It explained much.

A jagged tree limb snapped out and bit into her cheek, ripping the soft silk on the shielding arm of her kimono and dying it with her red blood. Crying out involuntarily, Kaoru ducked lower, her hand cupping around the wound to stop the bleeding. All at once the noise stopped, and she was showered by thousands of tiny pink particles, their pebbling on the wooden walk like the tinkling of miniature bells. A gentle hand descended on her head, and with her eyes clenched shut her thoughts eagerly jumped for Kenshin. He would save her. He would protect her.

"I am so sorry, Kaoru-chan. My anger has hurt you." Twitching, Kaoru realized the hand did not belong to the lord, but to this woman. This woman with her kind façade and burning nature. "Do not be afraid, child. I will make this right." Lightly the fingers of her other hand probed her cheek, and at first it hurt, burned, stung, and then it soothed and the pain eased away. The same treatment was then administered to her arm. Lifting her head and cracking open her eyes, Kaoru watched the blood retract into the cut, the skin seam itself back together, and then her kimono become whole. Seconds later, it was as if the damage had never been done.

Eyes pulled wide, she looked up at Tomoe, her muscles still shivering uncertainly. "It was you."

Sighing, Tomoe touched a finger and thumb to Kaoru's chin. "Are you still in any pain?" Tilting her face to one side, she studied the unmarked skin that was moments ago torn and bloody. "I did not mean for you to be hurt. I used to have much better control than this, but… hatred has destroyed that restraint, and I have become a victim of my own wrath."

A sadness so deep Kaoru couldn't fully comprehend was staring back at her through the eyes of this sorceress. It was the look of someone who had lost much, and had never fully recovered from that loss. "I-it's alright. It doesn't hurt anymore."

"No, young one. It is not alright."

Mouth opening to say something more, Kaoru was distracted by movement out of the corner of her eye. Blinking and sparking, one of the petals was fighting for its survival, flickering like a stub of candle nearing its end. Darkness was winning the fight over light, and soon its glow died. Sad and forlorn it detached itself from the others and fell to the ground, the sound of its shattering almost musical. The scene was just as tragic as Tomoe intimated.

Suddenly Tomoe was standing next it, her hands carefully touching the now four remaining petals. "His time has become less." Kaoru was surprised by the triumph in her voice.

Sitting up slowly, Kaoru studied warily the smile that was tugging at Tomoe's lips. "What has made you hate him so?"

The sorceress' head jerked, her irises a brief flash in the dimmer illumination. "You ask such a question in confusion, as if you cannot comprehend why anyone would feel such a way towards your sweet little lordling. Even if I were to tell you, you would not understand. Not without knowing who he was. Not without knowing everything."

"Then… you knew Kenshin well?" A brief twinge of jealousy accompanied the thought, curling her brow, but she ignored the alien sensation.

"No. I never met him before the day I placed the curse, but I heard rumors. Everyone knew about the youngest son of Lord Izo. Everyone knew of the Battousai."

"Battousai?"

"A fearsome title given to your little lord after he had murdered a few hundred people."

Something heavy pushed against her chest, forcing a gasp from her mouth. "Kenshin fought in the war… his father made him…" Trying to justify, she grasped at an earlier explanation.

"A war Lord Izo started, yes, but I am not talking about those he killed on the battlefield. I am speaking of innocents: farmers; bakers; blacksmiths." Merciless, Tomoe stepped closer to the walk, her eyes locked with disbelieving blue. "Women. Children. Entire villages, slaughtered and burnt to the ground, all by one man. Just one. I remember watching, praying I would not see the night sky lit with red from the fires. Most nights… it was."

Breathing heavily, Kaoru backed away, as if putting distance between them would lessen the truth of her words. Kenshin could not have done these things. He would never hurt an innocent. Never hurt a child. Are you sure? The words were a doubtful whisper in the back of her mind, feeding her apprehension. Just how well do you know him, really?

"W-why?" Back hitting the outer wall, Kaoru drew her knees up into her chest. "Why would he… do such a thing?"

"To gain land. Killing people unfit for war is much easier than battling an army." Matter-of-fact, her face contorted again. "That bastard was not an honorable lord. After the deaths of his oldest two sons, he began using guerilla tactics to win his fights. A smart move, actually, but a disgusting decision when aimed upon those that were not fighting. It was rumored he used his youngest son at first for assassinations. But that started to draw the attention of the emperor, so he turned him towards slaughter instead. I think he was hoping to gain control of the entire coastline before the emperor sent his army to stop him. With the mountains a natural barricade between him and the imperial army, it would have been much easier to defend."

"So Kenshin was… he was only following his father's orders…" A part of her still wanted to defend him, still wanted to deny. Not that following orders would ever justify what had been done.

"Orders he could have disobeyed." Hissing, Tomoe stood straight and the dust particles once again began to dance. "He followed those orders, blindly, without any show of hesitance. Not once did he try to save anyone. Not once did he let a survivor go. He killed them all, and burnt their corpses. Those are not the actions of a warrior. They are the actions of a beast. A beast that crippled the lives of many with his sword. Just the same as he crippled mine."

Feeling as though she had been crushed already, Kaoru ducked into herself, the information too much at one time to process. "Then he… he killed people you knew?"

"People I knew?" A short, humorless laugh ripped from the sorceress' throat, the noise painful enough to make Kaoru cringe. "He murdered everyone that I knew! Everyone that I loved!"

"Then your village was… in the way as well?" Something sickly was churning in her stomach, but she spoke around the bile, trying to keep up with the conversation. Some lost part of her wondered why she still wanted to know.

"No." The heat went out of her voice and she sagged, the pink particles stopping to drift motionless in the air. "My village was on the other side of the mountains. A beautiful place called Chisaki, named for its many cherry trees and their thousands of blossoms." One slim hand lifted, running her touch lightly along a barren branch. "It was there that I was born, and it was there that I was married." A painful smile graced her features, and her hand shook before she withdrew it from the tree. "My sweet Akira. I loved him with all my heart, ever since we were children playing in the gardens. He was all I wanted for myself. All I desired to keep."

Dropping her head, her eyes closed, and she swallowed back a tight ball of emotion. "Lord Izo miscalculated the cunning of our emperor. It was not an army he planned to send, but an assassin. The emperor knew that to meet him in combat would only prolong the battle and draw out the suffering that was already plaguing his lands, and so he made a deal with Lord Shishio. If Lord Izo and his sons were to be killed, he would inherit the lands, even the rule of those that Lord Izo had forcefully obtained. As long as he pledged his undying loyalty to the emperor and promised to not follow in his father-in-law's footsteps. Lord Shishio agreed, and two of his children were sent to foster at the imperial court as a sign of good faith.

"All of this I was informed of in a letter delivered by three emissaries bearing the official seal of the emperor. They had come to me, carrying a request to end the suffering." Black eyes opened, meeting Kaoru's squarely. "I was to take the life of Lord Himura Izo and his two sons, Himura Isamu and Himura Kenshin." Slowly her gaze lowered once more and she leaned back into the trunk of the tree. "I had never used my magic in such a way before. I sought only to bring happiness to people, to help those that needed it, and to create beauty. I knew there were darker ways to manipulate the energy flowing through my being, but it never tempted me. It appalled me. It frightened me."

Kaoru still sat hunched into the wall, her face pressed into her knees, her arms wrapped around herself. All she could do was listen, all she could do was hear. A part of her felt sorrow for this woman and the tale she was telling. The other part of her was too shocked by this picture of violence being painting within her mind to react.

"I could not refuse a direct order from the emperor, even though his riders assured me that my refusal would bring me no punishment if I were to give it. I knew, though, that the only reason I was being given a choice was because of my condition. At nearly nine months pregnant, I could barely navigate my own house, let alone the woods and mountains. I knew my actions would save many if I were to agree, but I feared I would be incapable of taking even one life, let alone three. So I asked for time to think on it. Just enough time to birth my child and recover. My request was accepted and they left. In one month's time I would hear from them again.

"Lord Izo must have received news of the request, because we soon heard rumors of the Battousai targeting our village next. I had just given birth to my child not three days before and was too weak to confront him if he did come. So…" Her voice broke, capturing Kaoru's tortured sapphire eyes. "Akira decided to go out and meet him first, along with the rest of the men. I begged him not to go, but he was determined to protect me. To protect his family… his new baby girl.

"In one weeks time we heard nothing, and I became anxious in his absence. I left my baby in the care of a woman I trusted, a true friend, Hisano, and made everyone promise to pack up and leave. And then I followed in my husband's footsteps, and what I found was a massacre." Kaoru whimpered, but Tomoe ignored her, her eyes staring blankly through her surroundings and seeing another place and time only she now knew of. "There was no mercy in him. I could tell by the way he had killed them, by the feelings still in the air and the smell of fear and confusion. Akira was barely recognizable, his body almost mutilated as if…" A tear slipped out of her eye. "as if he had angered him. It was the blood on his sword. The Battousai's blood. Akira had wounded him. Marked him… so that I could recognize him when I found him.

"But he was ahead of me now, heading towards the village, and I was still so weak. I prayed I would catch him. I prayed the others had left. It was barely evening when I saw the glow, and at first my thoughts were the same as always. Another village had been attacked. More lives had been sacrificed. More senseless slaughter and brutality. And then it hit me. This time it was my village. This time it was my home, my people, my family, my… baby. I tried to run faster, but my legs were already weak. By the time I got there it was well into the night, but the fires lit it all. Everyone was dead…everyone…" A low sob bubbled up the back of her throat and she slid down the trunk to sit at its base in a pile of silk and cherry dust. "I tried to put out the fires, but it was futile. My body wasn't strong enough to handle the magic, and all I could do was watch. Watch as my home burnt to the ground and struggle with the misery of knowing it was my fault. Because of me they all had to die. Because I am what I am, my beautiful home was attacked."

Face buried in her knees, Kaoru could hold back her own tears no longer, her ears too open to the words being spoken and her heart too sensitive to the emotions felt over a thousand years ago.

"It rained in the morning, and the roaring fires began to sizzle and smoke. In an incomprehensive daze I wandered the streets, looking for someone I knew, knowing they were all dead, but hoping someone had survived. That they had protected my baby." Trembling, Tomoe's hands covered her face. "It was such a selfish thought, but I could not stop it. I wanted my baby to live, even at the cost of another, I wanted my little girl to be alive, to halt the grief that was consuming my world. But nothing was recognizable, all the buildings had collapsed, and with only a few bodies in the streets, I knew he had killed them all inside and set the fires over them. At first I entertained the idea that they had gotten away, but then I found Hisano. She had been drug out into the middle of the square and beheaded. They were still there when he attacked, and… and he… the Battousai never left survivors."

Silence fell. A mournful quiet paid in memory of those lives Tomoe knew, Kaoru's hushed breaths a tribute to the grief felt at their passing. Black eyes watched numbly as the girl cried, but could feel no regret that her words of truth were destroying this young one's world of innocence. A dark part of her felt a touch of victory. Lord Himura had feelings for this girl. What a perfect form of revenge to steal that chance away from him. Bitter, her lip curled. No, it was not enough. Those feelings were nowhere close to what she had felt. He didn't love her yet.

Then sapphire irises lifted and looked straight into hers and the darkness that still sought revenge recoiled, fighting to find a way to escape the intensity of her gaze. The numbness lifted and everything came crashing back down upon her, laboring the breath in her lungs. Brightness, like high noon, lit the interior of the shrine, and for a brief moment Tomoe was caught in awe of the petal hanging from her delicate silver chain. Each one of those petals was full of her magic, full of life, and as the years passed the magic diminished. This one, however, seemed to be growing stronger, gaining a life of its own, and its power was purifying.

A heartbeat later and the light was gone, leaving only the ordinary glow from before. Blinking to readjust to the darkness, Tomoe felt staggered and jumped when Kaoru's watery voice spoke.

"What…" She swallowed, tears still choking her throat. "what was your baby's name?"

Surprised by the question and still offset by the vision she had seen, Tomoe looked away. "Kana. Her name was Kana."

"Kana. A… powerful name."

"We wanted our daughter to be strong in all things. Kana seemed an appropriate name for the strength of magic she would possess."

Nodding her understanding, Kaoru sat up, sniffing as she wiped her face. The story was coming together, but it was still unfinished. Taking a few breaths to calm herself, she ran her thumb softly over her necklace. "What happened then?"

Remembrance washed back over Tomoe's faltering thoughts and her voice hardened once more. "I let rage control my being… and used my magic in that way I never had before. I leveled Lord Izo's army. I left not one of them alive, and then I killed him and his heir and made his youngest son watch as I did it." Kaoru flinched, horrified, but did not look away as the sorceress continued to speak. "The Battousai did not even react, did not even seem to care. In fact, he barely tried to stop me, and when I looked into his eyes and told him of the pain he had caused me, of the death I wished to give in return, those golden irises were as empty as the dead eyes of his father and brother. He truly was a beast, a demon. He cared for nothing, feared nothing, and knew there was nothing I could do that would hurt him. He had already been consumed by a monster. So I decided death was too easy for him. I would keep him alive, for all of eternity, and force him to live in the true form of his heart so that he may learn the suffering I had to endure."

"True form? Then that is what his… heart looks like?"

Tomoe considered her seriously, her head a short nod. "Yes."

"And… the others?"

For the first time Tomoe look suitably ashamed of her actions and hung her head with a sigh. "I gave them all a choice, and tried to justify what I did to them with it. No one who did not wish to follow Lord Himura was made to stay, but at the time, in my thoughts, I saw them to be just as guilty as their masters. I was still stricken with grief and not truly in my right mind, and I thought none of my actions through to completion. Never a good thing when you are dealing with magic. Especially powerful magic, such as curses. For example, I did not count on the sacrifice I myself would have to make to see my revenge through to the end. All I saw was a way to punish this man for what he had done to so many people, and I rashly paid the price. My body became this tree." Gesturing slowly, she touched the trunk. "My powers became the petals, and my spirit has been bound to it ever since. Not until the day the petals all fall, the magic completely fades, and the tree finally dies will I be released. Not until that day will I be allowed to see my Akira and my Kana again."

"So really… you cursed yourself as well."

"It is my own punishment, Kaoru-chan, for bringing such misery to the innocents of this palace. I have come to accept it, and at the same time… think it not to be enough." Kaoru frowned, and Tomoe came closer to sit on the lip of the walkway, her hand reaching for hers. The anger had all but left her dark eyes, but her words were still an echo within Kaoru's mind and she could not help but uneasily shift away. A sad smile crossed her features and she withdrew her hand. "Soon I will be free to pass on, but my curse will still be here, hurting those that had nothing to do with the history Lord Himura and I share. Unfortunately, the requirements I set to break the curse can only be broken by the lord himself, and he has already shown he is incapable of meeting them. I wish I could retract the curse and let them free, but my power is no longer strong enough to do so, even the very next minute after the curse was set into motion."

Swallowing, Kaoru thought of the reason she had come in the first place, the words she had spoken to Kenshin. Emotions too tangled and confused, she immediately shied away from thoughts of him, feeling pain in her heart for the new knowledge she had been given. Instead she focused on Tae and Katsu, on Yahiko, Sano, Misao and all the rest. They deserved to be set free, even if… she wasn't sure how she felt about Kenshin anymore.

"I want to help."

Tomoe's smile became genuine. "I know you do, young one. Why else would you wish to know of the curse?" Studying her, Tomoe finally felt the sorrow she had not felt earlier. Kaoru truly was not meant to know, see, or experience such violence, her heart was much too sensitive to deal with it. She was trying to be strong, trying to put others before herself, but she was in too much turmoil to be of any use. And if she is to learn now what is needed to be done, it will make it all the harder for her to accomplish. Coming to a decision, Tomoe stood on the walk and offered a hand to help the girl up. "Not tonight, Kaoru-chan. You must give yourself time to absorb what you have learned before coming to any type of decision."

"But, I'm fine, really." It was a lie, and in her heart, Kaoru could feel it, but another part of her didn't want to have time to think on what she had been told. Because then she would have to face a truth she did not want to. That Kenshin was not the man she had believed him to be.

"Trust me, little girl. You will be of no help to anyone without coming to a full understanding of what it is you feel and want first."

"But there isn't time for that!" Desperate, Kaoru froze, arguing with the sorceress even as she was trying to herd her out the door. "There's barely any petals left. I don't have time to be worrying about myself when there are others that need my help."

Brows twitching, Tomoe's hand brushed over Kaoru's hair, her lips fighting between sorrow and happiness. "I'm sorry, Kaoru-chan, but you cannot help them without doing this first." Pushing her through the door, Tomoe spoke a soft goodnight and then the door was closing between them.

Standing, alone and cold on the top step, Kaoru shivered and crossed her arms before warily averting her eyes away from the door. It was dark without a moon to light the heavens, and the palace suddenly felt uninviting. A thrill of anxiety stood the hairs straight up on the back of her neck and no matter how hard she clutched at her necklace, none of the warmth from before flooded her being. It felt like the shadows had eyes. It felt like someone was following her. Hunching her shoulders, she quickened her step to cross the yard and jumped up on the veranda.

Everything that had been said to her came back at once, forcing her to reevaluate everything that she knew. Too many certainties were no longer certain, too many beliefs contradicted by knowledge, and the wicked seed of doubt was growing within her stomach. She didn't want to believe anything she had been told was true, but Kenshin's own hesitance in telling her confirmed the ugly reality. Why else would he not tell her himself? Because he knew if she were to find out then he could not longer make her believe that he was a man, or even a tamed beast. No, because she would know that he was as monstrous as the form he now lived in.

Breathing heavy from her run, Kaoru stopped at the tsumado that would lead her into her pavilion, gasping as her eyes turned towards the master's quarters. There was a light still flickering from the inside, a shadow still pacing along the walls. Feeling the tears push at the backs of her eyes, she clenched them shut and fought back the urge that suddenly overwhelmed her. To go to him and beg him to tell her it was all a lie, that it wasn't true, so that she could live on in her ignorant, peaceful world where they were friends and it didn't even matter why or how he looked the way he did. She didn't want to have this knowledge. She didn't want to look at him and see everyone he had killed. Didn't want to imagine him… taking the life of a child.

Horrified by the turn of her own thoughts, Kaoru pushed through the doors and hid inside, like a child hiding in the closet to escape the world. Nothing would keep out the images, though. Nothing stopped the sorceress' words or the natural reaction of empathy they caused. All too realistically she could see what had happened, and not just to Tomoe, but to others. To all those villages. To all the men he had assassinated. To all the soldiers he had fought. Only, she was unable to imagine that look of emptiness in his eyes, and instead saw not Kenshin as a heartless beast, slaughtering people without emotion or thought, but Kenshin as a creature bathed in red, with wings and horns and eyes that asked for trust and betrayed it just as quickly.

All night she was plagued by nightmares, seeing a time of cruelty with such clarity it felt as if she had truly lived there and experienced it. By the time Misao came to inform her of breakfast, she was already wide awake, helpless to the mess of tears on her cheeks, and the haunting in her sapphire eyes.

"My lady! What has happened?" Shocked and concerned, Misao hurried across the floor, dodging the rumpled futon and the strew of blankets strung about around it.

Jumping at the weasel's voice, Kaoru whimpered and pushed herself further in the corner she was wedged into, exhaustion and fear clouding her thoughts and actions until she was only a shadow of herself. "M-Misao?" Stammering, her breath tried to relax at the familiar face, the present finally asserting itself and removing her from her place of torment.

"Yes, my lady, it's me."

"I…" Clutching the blankets tighter to her, Kaoru ducked her head, slowly wiping her face on its soft material. "I'm fine." Swallowing, she shook her head. "No. No, I'm not fine." Two more tears escaped her already wet-spiked lashes. "I had the most terrible nightmare, Misao-san. It was so awful." Burying her face into the covers, she sobbed.

"Don't cry milady… everything's fine now. It was just a dream." A choked wail disagreed with her and Misao frowned, unsure. Lord Kenshin really needs to be here for this. I'm sure he could comfort her. "Do you… wish for me to get you anything, or… anyone? Lord Kenshin will be waiting for you at the table, but he would come right away if you asked."

Shaking her head violently, Kaoru's breathing became once more irregular. "No, I don't wish to see him. Please… I don't feel like going to breakfast today, Misao. Will you let him know not to wait on me?"

More worried than ever, Misao nodded reluctantly. "Of course, milady. Do you wish for your breakfast to be brought here instead?"

Bile rose up the back of Kaoru's throat at the thought and she forcefully swallowed it back down. "No. I don't think I could eat anything right now."

"Alright, but at least… at least lie back down on the futon, Lady Kaoru. I'll fetch Megumi-sensei after I talk with the lord." Gone before Kaoru could protest, she whimpered again at the sudden emptiness of her room, and pulled the blanket completely up over her head.

Kenshin sat at the table, his chin resting on his thumbs, his interlaced fingers pressed into his mouth. The change had happened, he could feel it in the air, could read the signs, and it upset his stomach. Closing his eyes, he ignored the cook and her aides as they sat out the dishes before him and the empty spot where Kaoru usually sat. She wasn't there yet, but a desperate voice in his head was trying to reassure him that she had simply slept in.

Golden eyes opening as they left, he stared at her cushion, trying to imagine what her face would show him when she arrived. Terror was all he could picture, his fear of her reaction so potent it overrode her normal appearance in his thoughts. He couldn't even remember how exactly she looked at him, not with his mind so frantic, and a panicked part of him wanted to burn the memory in his brain for fear of never seeing it again.

A more optimistic piece of his personality dwelt on how accepting and sympathetic she was. Had she not told him she believed in second chances? Did she not comfort him after learning how he had murdered Tenshi? Was she not the only person to make him laugh since he was a child?

"My lord?" Turning, Kenshin blinked at the weasel, Kaoru's personal maid, and the confidence he was slowly building sunk into apprehension.

"What is it?"

"The lady wanted to let you know she would not be coming to breakfast and to please eat without her."

So used to feigning serenity in front of his servants after the many days of recent practice, Kenshin simply took in the information and nodded. "Is my lady not feeling well?"

"Apparently she had a horrible nightmare, milord. She looked extremely upset and is refusing to eat."

Nodding again, he looked away. "Have you sent for the physician?"

"I was going there now, milord."

"Very well. Thank you, Misao-san." The weasel nodded and left and Kenshin was once again alone.

The trembling started somewhere in the upper part of his stomach, and by the time it reached his throat, his hands had fisted, his eyes had clenched shut and he felt as if he would vomit. The pain was no longer new, not after Kaoru's influence and presence had awoken his emotions to the world. This time, however, it was just harsh enough to pull a low sound of agony from his parted lips. Pressing his forehead into the hard wood of the table, he fought against his lungs, trying to breathe. The change was too much for him to handle, too much for her to handle. Nothing would be the same again. But who could blame her? He was a monster.

And now she knew it.

Crying out in anguish his hands jerked up to flip the heavy table. Porcelain dishes and delicate teacups shattered on the floor, carefully prepared food smashed under their weight and spread away from them to the wall. On his feet, still unstable and far from calm, he turned away when Tae entered, her shock evident and immediate.

"My lord! Is everything alright?" She took a couple steps forward and then stopped, eyeing the mess. "Are you alright, my lord?"

The genuine concern in her voice undid him, and he hung his head. "I apologize for the dishes, Tae-san, and for… wasting your food. Please…" A large lump cut off his vocal cords and he paused for a breath. "Please have this cleaned up before the lady leaves her rooms. It is not something she needs to hear of."

"I understand."

"Thank you." Briefly he wondered if she would ever come out of her rooms again.

X

A/N: Chisaki means 'a thousand blossoms.' Kana is a neutral name for either a boy or girl (like Kaoru) and is actually the 'name of a demi-god,' I guess. Hisano means 'from a long story,' and it's my own way of poking fun at how drawn out Tomoe's back story was turning out to be.

So, first things first… I absolutely HATED writing this chapter! I didn't even realize how horrible it was going to be until I started writing it, and the more I wrote the less I liked and I thought, well for crying out loud! I don't want to do a curse anymore! I just want them to be all lovey and hugging on each other and stuff! But that would really cancel out the entire storyline and I guess I can't do that without killing it completely.

I sat around and thought about how bad I really wanted to make Kenshin be during his 'monster years' and I tried not to go too awful, but it had to be bad enough to make sure Kaoru second-guessed him for awhile. I know Kaoru would never really do this to Kenshin in the original story, but this is my story and I'll do what I want. Besides, I have reasons, and I didn't really see anyone just shrugging their shoulders and going, 'Well, that was a thousand years ago, so it doesn't matter anymore that he slaughtered a whole bunch of women and children just because his dad was a psycho and wanted to use him like some kind of attack dog.' She needs to make some kind of peace with the knowledge, and that will take some time. Time she doesn't seem to have! (Ok, that was my evil half getting out again. I'm trying to beat her back into her cage, but sometimes… she's stronger than me.)

Well, please leave a review, and I'm sorry the romance isn't going to be all fluff and sugar, but reality isn't so sweet. It's not going to be all angst either, so don't worry! I like the fluff and sugar!