By the time the mom's had finally gotten all the kids to bed it was pretty late and they were all tired but they headed back to the living room for a while. It was their last night together and they hadn't really spent much time just relaxing.
Stef got a bottle of wine for Dana and Stewart and a bottle of apple juice for Lena and herself. Lena was still on antibiotics and still not allowed alcohol and Stef decided to keep her company drinking apple juice. Along with the drinks she also brought out plate of salted pretzels and a bowl of mnm's.
"I hid these from the kids this afternoon." She said as she placed them down on the coffee table before taking a seat on one of the single seaters.
Lena say laying back against an armrest of the couch with her feet up on her father's lap as he gently passaged them. Dana and Stef were on the single seaters and the four of them were discussing the kids and how excited they were about their presents.
"I think Jude was the most excited of the lot." Stef said, remembering the young boy's face. "He had no games of his own and kept borrowing Jesus'."
"And Mariana was admiring her locket when I went up to say good night to her." Lena added.
"Brandon was very mature about his gift." Stewart said.
"He's outgrown his childish ways." Lena added. "He's been through a lot this past year and he's starting to realize what it is to have responsibility."
"He has grown up a lot lately." Stef said with a sigh. "He's becoming more of a man by the day and I have no idea how to stop it."
"Aww." Dana said sympathetically, reaching out to rub Stef's arm. "It's not so bad trust me. He'll still need you no matter how old he gets."
Stef smiled sadly back at Dana. "It's just that less than a year ago he was almost like Jesus and Jude. He was never a troublemaker but he was still a kid. The change happened so fast."
"He's at that age." Lena said. "He'll be eighteen in less than a year."
"I know." Stef said, a mixture of pride and regret in her tone. "I just miss my little baby."
"He'll always be your little baby." Stewart said. "And plus you have four more. Jude's just thirteen, you've got a while with him yet."
"Exactly. The twins are young still. Brandon and Callie are the only ones no longer kids."
"I don't think Callie ever was a kid." Stef laughed sarcastically.
"She's really had to grow up too young." Lena added. "I can't even imagine being solely responsible for someone else at the age of ten."
"But she did an amazing job." Stef said, her eyes unfocused as she imagined a young Callie, struggling to give Jude what he needed.
"She definitely deserves the extra TLC." Dana said. "I hope she really likes the camera. You can take her back and exchange it if she's not happy with it."
"I'm sure she loves it mom." Lena said "She's just not used to receiving gifts. She has trouble accepting things from us as well."
"Anything above ten dollars is a waste of money according to her." Stef chuckled.
"I can't believe you spent this much though." Lena said. "you usually bring them great stuff but this was something else."
"I know I was a little extravagant this time but they deserved it." Dana said. "It's been a hard week on them too."
"Yes it has." Lena said.
"But you guys were a huge help and we are really grateful that you came down." Stef added.
"Of course." Stewart said. "She's our baby girl." He gave his daughter's leg a tight squeeze.
It was almost three am and the house was completely quiet when Lena woke. Something didn't feel right and when she looked around she noticed that Stef wasn't in bed with her. Lena walked into the bathroom but didn't find her wife there either. Sucking in a deep breath she made her way downstairs and a light in the kitchen told her that's where she'd find her.
"What are you doing down here?" Lena asked softly as she watched Stef, a cup of tea in her hands, untouched.
"Sorry love." Stef said. "I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake you. Are you alright?"
Lena sighed. Stef was never just going to let someone take care of her. She was always worried about everyone else.
"I'm fine honey." Lena said. "I just missed you in bed that's all."
"Okay, let's go." Stef said. She poured her untouched tea down the drain and took Lena's hand guiding them towards the stairs.
"No, this way." Lena said as she moved towards the living room instead. "Let's talk."
"It's late Lena." Stef said, trying to get her wife off the path she was on.
"But you're not sleeping anyways so we might as well make use of our time alone." Lena said.
If the circumstances were different Stef would have thought Lena was talking about sex but unfortunately she was talking about Stef's feelings and Stef groaned as she followed her wife to the couch.
"So what are we thinking about?" Lena said, pushing Stef down at one end and curling up next to her, tucking her legs under her and wrapping them both in a rug.
"We aren't thinking about anything." Stef said, trying once again to cover up her feelings. "We just couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake you."
"Come on Stef." Lena said raising her eyebrow at her wife. "I know you better than you think."
"I'm fine love really." Stef said.
Lena was silent for a moment. Getting Stef to open up was like pulling teeth sometimes but when it had to be done, it just had to be done.
"Okay fine." Lena said, playing the guilt trip card. "We'll just go back to bottling it all up. We'll save a ton on therapy."
"Come on Lena." Stef groaned. "It's not the same, this isn't such a big deal."
"Then share it with me." Lena answered. "Let me in."
"I was just thinking about something Callie said to me." Stef admitted.
"About being unsafe?" Lena asked with a frown.
"No." Stef said. "She said that you were hurt for loving me. I know that's not how she meant it but when she said that I just felt so guilty."
"You felt guilty because I love you?" Lena asked, her eyes going wide.
"It's just... the first time she said it she said 'liking women' but the second time she said 'loving me' specifically and I just..." Stef trailed off.
"...added another thing to the list of stuff you already blame yourself for." Lena finished for her.
Stef looked down at Lena. She couldn't mask the pain in her eyes.
"Honey, I love you." Lena said, turning around and sitting up straighter so that she could hold Stef instead. "And that fact and the fact that you love me back is what's getting me through this."
"But it's also what made you go through this in the first place." Stef argued softly.
"I was gay before I met you remember." Lena told her. "If it wasn't you it would have been someone else."
"I feel like I failed." Stef whispered.
"Because you didn't protect me?" Lena asked.
"Among other things." Stef answered and Lena waited for her to continue. "When I became a cop I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make it better, safer for people, you know. But it's hard to realize that that's never gonna be possible. I can't change it and no one else can either."
"Sweetheart, it's like what you said you told Callie, the way to change the world is one person at a time." Lena said. "If you've made a difference in just one person's life then it's worth it. And trust me babe, you've made a difference in many."
Stef smiled at her wife and pulled her in to kiss her as tears slipped down her face.
"Don't give up Stef." Lena said, wiping away the tears with her thumb. "You've still got so much good to do out there."