Chapter 13: 2011

Kim had always wanted to say thank you, but wasn't sure she would ever have the chance. When Alex has previously awoken she'd not been able to say a thing. She didn't dare. It wouldn't have been right.

"I tried so hard not to let anything slip before," she said, her voice quieter and softer and Alex was used to hearing it, "because I remembered that when you came back… went back…to ninety five, you never once mentioned my future. You didn't even tell me that we'd met again. And I was so grateful for that, Ma'am. I wouldn't have wanted to know. So I figured that you wouldn't either." She bit her lip. "Except for the Christmas thing. Sorry… I kind of let some of that slip."

Alex's smile was a little nostalgic.

"Thank you," she said quietly, "and you're right. I wouldn't have wanted to know what was ahead. Except to know that I made it back."

Kim nodded and looked down, a little self-conscious.

"When he stabbed me," her mind went to her parting from 1996, "that crazy guy… I thought it was over for me in both worlds. No way home. No way to live on where I was. I had never been so scared." As she looked back at her, Alex saw there was an unfamiliar vulnerability in her eyes. "But then you held me and I felt so safe."

Alex knew that tears were imminent. She could feel them thinking about making their escape.

"That's what we do," she whispered.

Kim nodded.

"And that was the moment that I realised it," she said quietly, "I realised why you and Gene and Simon did what you did. I had never felt so safe. No one had ever made me feel so…" she tried to think of the right word. Protected? Cared for? "Secure," she said eventually, "I'd never felt so secure before. And, to be honest, Ma'am, I never had since." She gave a tiny smile and glanced in the direction of the kitchen where she knew Robin would still be. "Until now, anyway."

Alex felt her heart starting to beat a little faster. It was the first time that she had ever been able to hear someone speak so candidly about what it was like from the other side; to feel the warmth and the love and the protection as they were sent on or sent home. While Simon had touched on the matter after he returned to Gene's world their conversation had been somewhat awkward and shallow, with Alex unsure at the time how much she was allowed to say to him.

"You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say those things," she said quietly. She swallowed and took a deep breath. "When I went back to Gene there was something that played on my mind, how so often it seems as though coming to the other world and then coming back here… how it's messed people up. I wondered sometimes whether what we do is right."

"It is," Kim said quickly, "believe me."

Alex couldn't believe the marked difference in Kim from her last time in 2011. Previously the awkward, almost sad girl had spoken about the struggles she'd faced as she adjusted to life in the real world again and it had left Alex worrying about the effect that the other world had on those who were lucky enough to make it back. But whatever had troubled Kim through all those years she had now lain to rest and found peace with.

"You seem so… different… to the last time I was here," she couldn't help but comment.

Kim felt herself reddening in the cheeks a little. The blush and accompanying smile told Alex that she was proud of her own progress.

"I'd spent eight years trying to put it out of my head," she admitted, "trying to be someone else. I completely lost Kim Stringer. I left her behind. I became a fake person who never really existed. I tried to forget who I was before. But when you were here… I had no choice but to face it. And slowly I realised that I was still the same person."

"I'm glad, Kim," Alex said quietly. She'd been quite concerned about what Kim had been through before.

"And then there was Robin," Kim said quietly, trying to hide the smile that was growing on her lips, "He's helped so much".

"I'm really pleased for you both," Alex told her honestly, "even though just telling me you were a couple would have sufficed –"

"We never intended to give you such a graphic representation!" Kim assured her with shame, "bloody doctors and their no shocks policy."

"I admit, I found it a little hard to understand at first," Alex told her, "I didn't understand how it worked. But then, thinking about it, people most likely look at Gene and I and think the same thing, although for very different reasons." She smiled sadly as she thought about how much she missed him and needed to get home. "We're very different. I could never have seen myself with anyone as rough around the edges as Gene before. And I'm sure he could never have seen himself putting up with such a –" she smiled, "mouthy tart. But somehow –"

"Some things are just meant to be," Kim nodded.

"Life is full of surprises."

"Tell your doctor that!"

Alex couldn't resist laughing at that comment.

"It must have been as frustrating for you and Robin to have to keep everything from me while the doctors were trying to keep me 'calm'," she remarked.

"Oh, ma'am, if only you knew," cried Kim, "we were always terrified if saying too much."

Alex bit her lip.

"And now?" she began, "Is there anything that… you haven't told me yet? Anything that I should know?"

She could see from the look on Kim's face that it was highly likely.

"There are some gaps," Kim admitted, "we didn't tell you everything."

Alex nodded slowly.

"Could… could you tell me now?" she asked quietly.

Km hesitated.

"Do you think you're ready?" she asked quietly.

Alex took a deep breath.

"If I'm ever going to work out how to get home then I'll have to be," she said quietly.

Kim nodded slowly. She understood.

"I'll get Robin," she said quietly.

"OK," Alex nodded, a nervous smile on her face. She hesitated as Kim left the room. "And get a pen," she called after her with one quick glance towards the flip chart, "I sense brainstorming ahead."

She lay back against the soft sofa bed for a moment and closed her eyes. She knew Robin and Kim wouldn't be the only ones sharing truths and secrets that night. She was going to have to do a lot of sharing to bring them up to speed on things from the other side of the line. It was the only way for everyone to see the whole picture -which was the best way to find her way home

~xXx~

It all felt a little bit surreal to Alex as she sat back on her sofa bed, the lighting in the room quite low and atmospheric. Being out of hospital and back in the flat where she'd had to hide out all those months ago still felt strange. More strange than that was watching Kim and Robin behaving as a proper couple in their own environment, especially with the changes that they'd both been through over the course of the last few months. She felt especially confused by Robin clutching a glass of brandy. That made her wonder exactly how serious the conversation was going to be.

"There are things you need to know about Keats," Kim said quietly, "what he did when he woke in Layton's body."

Alex felt a terrible shudder through her body. This was one of those things where she really wished that she didn't have to know.

"Alright," she said quietly. She noticed that Robin's eyes were turned downwards, focused on his glass. He seemed to have turned a very pale shade indeed.

"We didn't know it was Keats at first," Kim said quietly, "it just seemed that Layton had woken up. He'd been in a coma for a few weeks. But almost straight away he attacked medical staff, guards and innocent members of the public to escape from the hospital."

"He went to Evan's first," Robin finally spoke, his voice quiet and distant, "he didn't hurt him. Just took his clothes, blunted his beard trimmer and left him all tied up and trouserless. And you know what happened with us and Molly being held on the barge."

Alex's stomach still turned at the thought of Molly being one of Keats' s victims. As much as she hated the doctors and their 'no shocks' policy, on this occasion she could understand why they had kept that from her for a while. She cried often when she thought about it. She swallowed and tried not to start again. She knew that Molly was safe and well, and that's what she had to focus on. For now there were other parts of the story that they needed to tell her.

"Go on," she said quietly.

"Keats picked up some of Layton's habits," Kim told her, "he'd gone to shoot up and when he came back… he went into a rage," she neglected to mention that the rage was caused by finding them kissing, "he was going to…" she trailed away, her voice wavering too much to continue and she looked to Robin who tried to continue for her.

"He was going t-to rape her," his own voice wasn't much stronger and he couldn't get far beyond that himself.

"Robin stopped him, but –" Kim whispered.

They both fell silent. They'd reached a dead end of what they could say. They looked at each other with such distraught expressions that Alex wasn't sure she wanted to hear any more but she knew that it was important. She let them have a few moments before she said quietly,

"Go on."

Kim swallowed.

"He was going to… to do it to Robin instead," her voice almost gave out with every word as Alex's expression contorted with horror, "and he took him back to his old flat."

"That's why I don't live there any more," Robin managed to whisper before he drank a lot of brandy on one go.

Kim trembled visibly as she carried on.

"He…he didn't… but he was going to. Rob said he freaked out when he saw a photo of his parents. We don't know why, we're just thankful that he didn't go through with it."

"He started trashing everything," Robin said quietly, "and then demanded that I take him to your hospital room. He wanted to kill you so he could put you through on an instant transfer to Fenchurch west, but –"

"Robin wasn't having that," Kim spoke up for him, "he fought him, hard, and somehow killed Keats… but Layton survived."

"I don't understand."

Kim looked down.

"I remember seeing Keats's video, in my hospital room, in ninety five," she said quietly, "when Gene shot him… and the wounds vanished?" she bit her lip, "sounds like the same thing happened."

"As soon as Keats left his body all that was left was an unconscious Layton," Robin said quietly.

"You know that buzzing noise he used to make at you?" Kim said quietly.

Alex frowned.

"Yes," she said, "what was that about?"

"It was because he saw your tattoo," Robin explained, "that made him angry." He paused and frowned, "he was angry about mine as well. Maybe he just… disapproves of body art?"

Alex found herself breathing very deeply as she tried to take in what she was hearing. There had been a number of strange things that Keats had said and done after waking from his coma. He'd been very fond of the cryptic clues but his taunting had more or less fallen on deaf ears as his comments were too obscure and no one understood what he was talking about. Slowly they started to make more sense to her.

"Is there anything else I need to know?" she asked quietly.

Kim and Robin looked at one another.

"I can't think of anything right now," Kim said, "but if there is, we'll tell you when we remember."

Alex nodded. She closed her eyes and leaned back a little.

"Thank you," she said.

Robin bit his lip.

"Alex, you're exhausted," he said, "maybe we should leave the rest of this conversation for another time."

"No, there's something I need to say," Alex told him, "I'll be alright." Their faces watched her expectantly as she drew in her breath and began, "I have to get home. And I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I have to. It's hard to admit… really hard… but I don't belong here. Not any more." She looked down. "Even with Molly. So much water under the bridge. And it kills me inside to admit this." She hesitated as she wondered just how bad a mother she must be to choose another life over her own daughter, but it was far more complicated than that. She'd built up a while new life with Gene and she was very much needed there. And besides, Molly wasn't the only child Alex had to think about now. As heartless as it sounded Molly was growing up fast and had managed surprisingly well for the last three and a half years without Alex around. She knew that Molly could survive without her. She wasn't sure that she could say the same for Gene and the baby, let alone the world.

"We'll do everything we can to help you, Ma'am," Kim promised.

"The only thing is, I don't know where to begin," Alex said quietly, "I don't know how to get home. I don't know if I can. But I have to try." She gave a deep sigh. "It's not like last time where there was another me still in the nineties. There's just one of me now, right here. There's only one way back, and that's through dying." She paused, "or coming damn close."

"You can't commit suicide," Robin began quickly, "Keats –"

"I know, I know that," Alex was quick to say, "besides, I'm not really the Sam Tyler type. I don't think I could do that." She shook her head. "I just feel… I know… somehow, that I will get back. But there's something I need to do here first. I have to be back for a reason. Now I need to figure out what that reason is."

"Have you any idea?" Robin asked, "any thoughts at all?"

"I've had many, many thoughts," Alex sighed. Weeks in hospital had given her a lot of time to think. "But there's one that comes back to me time and again." She looked down. It was hard to even think about it. "I had a dream. It…" she flinched at the memory, "it told me that I need to help Gene."

"In what way?" asked Robin as Kim asked,

"From here? How?"

Alex bit her lip. She hated to talk about this.

"Many years ago," she whispered, "a television news report filtered through my coma as a bleedthrough. It spoke of a… a body," her voice broke and her eyes started to glisten with tears, "that had been found in a shallow grave." She swallowed, "it was Gene."

She looked up at Robin and Kim who were staring at her in silence. They both appeared to turn very pale suddenly.

"Are… are you sure?" Kim whispered.

Alex nodded, her eyes closed.

"Believe me, it's true," she whispered. She took a deep breath. "In my dream… a voice told me... he wasn't at peace," she continued quietly, "I don't know in what way. Maybe they never could identify him. Maybe he wasn't given a proper burial. Or maybe I was supposed to help him to be at peace some other way? To find out about who he was when he was still alive. Who he was in this world before he became the Gene Hunt that I came to meet all those years layer." She looked at them again. "Maybe there's another reason. I won't ignore any other thoughts we have, because I don't know for certain. But if I'm back to help Gene to be at peace then I need to work out exactly what I have to do."

Robin nodded slowly. Then he handed her a pan.

"Then get brainstorming, Alex," he said with a tiny, nervous smile.

~xXx~

It must have been an hour later and the flipchart was covered with writing. Alex felt a whole world better for just having lists to refer to. She looked at the list of names down the left hand side of the board; suggestions for people who she may have been back to help in some way or another. Molly, Evan, even Robin and Kim were on the list. But at the top, underlined and circled in triplicate was Gene's name. She liked to cover all possibilities but when it came down to it she knew in her heart that there was only one person she was back in the real world to help.

"At least that's a start," she said, feeling accomplished as she sat back on the sofa bed. She hated to admit it but her strength was fading fast. Both Robin and Kim looked as exhausted as she was.

"I think we should wrap it up there for the night," Robin told her, "I'm drained. I don't know how tired you must be feeling."

Alex hated to admit that he was right but she'd reached the end of her energy for the night.

"More brainstorming tomorrow," she said quietly with a weary smile.

Robin and Kim said goodnight to her and left the room before Kim had a second thought and told Robin she was going to take Alex some fresh water for the night.

"You go to bed," she told him, "I'll be there in a moment."

"OK," Robin said quietly. He'd seemed a little off since the subject of Keats had come up.

Kim watched him head to the bedroom, then poured some cold water for Alex and took it into her room.

"Ma'am?" she said quietly, fearing she was already asleep.

Alex was lying down, but still awake. She's found the remote and switched on the TV.

"Oh, thank you," she said as she saw the glass in Kim's hand, "I'm so thirsty. Too much talking."

She took the water gratefully and took a long drink as Kim shuffled awkwardly. There was something on her mind.

"Erm, ma'am," she began, "you're… you're a psychologist, right?"

Alex nodded.

"Yes…?"

Kim bit her lip.

"W-what do you know about hysterical pregnancy?"

The question had caught Alex completely off guard.

"Uh," she frowned. It wasn't something she'd really encountered, "It's a condition by which a woman – often through psychological reasons – has multiple symptoms of pregnancy without actually being pregnant."

Kim hesitated.

"A woman?" she repeated.

Alex's frown deepened.

"Well… yes," she said.

Kim bit her lip.

"So not a man, then?"

Alex tried to work out what was going on.

"Why would a man think he was pregnant?" she asked, confused.

Kim closed her eyes.

"No reason," she said a little sheepishly. She started to back towards the door. "Night, ma'am. I'd better go." She bit her lip, "…I think I have some grovelling to do…"