Eight and a Half

By Imagine Backstory

Chapter Twenty-Six - The Conversation & The Argument

Jess

I'd stayed the night at the hospital, and by the time I returned to Rory's at about six am the next day I felt like a bag of dog shit. I was way too old to be pulling all-nighters. I needed a shower and a nap, stat.

I'd read Nora a little bit of Mrs Dalloway before she'd fallen asleep, then I'd spent the rest of the time sitting and staring and reading and trying not to get in the nurses' way. I'd been told on more than one occasion that I should go home, that she'd be asleep for hours, but I couldn't bring myself to leave until she woke, until I could hammer it into her brain one final time that I would be researching rehab options over the weekend.

"You're still here?" she'd asked when she woke up, her voice rough as sandpaper. Surprised. Surprised I'd stuck by her, surprised I'd come at all. As if she'd doubted that even after everything that had transpired, I'd still be there for her when she needed me. I still felt partially responsible for her, even though really, I in no way was. Perhaps it was her youth or the fact that I had no idea what she was doing or where she was living now. I'd realized in that moment that whatever feelings I still had for Nora, they were purely those of concern and general care. I owed that much to her, to keep an eye on her at least. But all romantic feelings and involvement were gone.

The nurse had finally insisted that I depart, as Nora needed to have more tests done and they didn't need an extra patient in the hospital if I passed out from sleep deprivation. She'd told me Nora would be hospitalized for another day or two, depending on how long it took her to detox and recover. They would call me when it was time for her to be discharged.

I could barely keep my eyes open as I pressed the button to be buzzed up to Rory's apartment. I'd come back here, knowing I wouldn't have made it back to Brooklyn, and all my stuff was here anyway. I felt bad knowing the buzzer would likely wake her up, but I didn't have much choice. Eventually, she'd give me a key, surely. But we weren't quite there yet, I guess.

It took a minute or two, but finally the buzzer sounded and I entered Rory's building, making my way sullenly to the elevator.

Rory was waiting outside her door when I exited the elevator, her arms crossed over her chest to wrap her cardigan more tightly around herself. Her forehead was creased with concern. She kept her voice low as I approached, reaching out to support my forearms with her fingertips. "You look exhausted."

"I am exhausted," I murmured, leaning into her absently.

"Were you up all night?" she asked, guiding me into her apartment and shutting the door softly behind us. She helped me out of my coat as I kicked off my shoes and made a beeline for the bed. It looked so inviting with the early morning light casting soft shadows on white sheets.

Collapsing onto it, I sighed contentedly, shutting my eyes. "Yeah," I replied. "Nora slept most of the time but I can't sleep in hospitals."

"How was she?" Rory asked, sitting cross-legged on the bed next to me, gently ran her fingers through my hair.

I made a soft hmm noise, feeling my consciousness already beginning to slip away. "She OD'd."

Rory winced. "That's terrible."

"She'll be ok. But I told her she needs to get help."

"Sounds like you're right," Rory said. "Want me to leave you alone now so you can sleep?"

"Mmm, no," I grumbled, rolling over onto my back and trying to force my eyes open. "Have to go to work."

She leaned over to kiss my forehead. Strands of her hair tickled my face and neck as she did so. "Don't worry about work. I'll go in for the lunch crowd and you can sleep and come in later."

"You feeling okay?" I asked, reaching up to run my fingers against her cheek.

She grimaced but forced a smile through it. "I'll live. You need to sleep." She kissed my fingers before pushing herself off the bed, heading for the bathroom.

"Love you," I called out, burying myself into Rory's covers. I barely heard her tell me that she loved me, too, before I fell asleep.

Rory

Thankfully, lunch hour was pretty slow for a Saturday. I'd only had to run to the bathroom twice since waking up, and the second time it was a false alarm. I knew I probably still had a couple more weeks of morning sickness to go, but I was already raring for it to be over. It was starting to become just annoying and inconvenient.

It was just Dimitri and I during the day, as the kitchen guys didn't come in for lunch and Matt was slated to come in for the night shift. I kept my phone in my back pocket and on vibrate, in case Jess called. I figured he'd sleep most of the day, but I purposefully hadn't set an alarm for him. He needed rest.

"Let me guess, you passed your disease onto Jess, didn't you?" Dimitri had teased when I walked in sans Jess. I'd only given him a charming smile/shrug/eye-roll thing in response. Not that this "disease" was exactly transferable.

I was working up my courage again to tell Jess. I wasn't sure when would be the best time now; surely this whole debacle with Nora had thrown him for a loop, and I didn't want to add on to his stress, but at the same time the longer I put it off, the guiltier I felt. I had to just buck up and do it. Maybe tonight, after closing, when it would only be the two of us. That way he could stay here and I could go home if things turned sour, rather than one of us being stuck at the other's place. I hated to think that things would go sour... As much as I wanted to believe what Lorelai had said, that Jess wouldn't bolt, a small part of me still feared the worst.

It was a nice day out; the sun was shining and people were chancing it with light coats and sweaters rather than winter jackets. Mid-way through March, it was about time Spring started to show through. I was gazing out the window when the door opened and Jess strolled in, looking more well-rested but still on edge. I came around the counter of the bar to greet him with a light kiss on the mouth. "You sleep okay?"

"Yeah, got a few hours in. Thanks for covering for me." His smile was tired and weak, but it was a smile nonetheless.

We went back behind the bar. There were only a handful of people remaining, as dinner hour was approaching. We were relatively alone. I turned to him as he clocked in, checking out the sales info for the day on the bar computer. "So...how are you feeling about all this?" I asked gently.

He grimaced and half-shrugged. "I don't really know."

"We don't need to talk about it."

Jess shot me an appreciative grin. "Thanks." He leaned over to kiss my temple and went back to his work. I watched him, wondering if he remembered that I'd been about to tell him something important right before he'd gotten the call from the hospital last night. Knowing him, I was sure he did, but perhaps was waiting for a better time to bring it up. Or he was waiting for me to bring it up. Jess was very understanding like that.

The rest of the day passed by uneventfully; the nice weather was keeping most people outdoors, it would seem. Jess tried to make me go home early since I'd shown up for the lunch shift, but I refused under the argument that we were both at half-steam today, making us one full person combined. He just shook his head with a grin at my logic, the way he used to when we were teenagers.

While Jess was counting cash and I was washing the last of the beer tumblers, we found ourselves alone after Dimitri shut down the kitchen and clocked out for the day. The only light on in the place was the one above the bar, casting us in a low, warm glow. Jess was counting to himself under his breath, a pencil stuck behind his ear as usual. His dark hair was still tussled from his nap; it curled around his ears and neck and was sticking straight up at the front. I was just admiring the slope of his neck and shoulders when I realized I was staring, but too late. He'd caught me, a corner of his mouth lifting in a smirk. "Can I help you?" he asked, his voice like honey.

I felt my face heat up, but I just found myself smiling right back instead of shrinking away. "Just admiring the view," I replied cheekily.

He chuckled, his gaze returning to the numbers. "You're distracting me," he stated simply.

I tucked a loose piece of hair behind my ear, ignoring the heat pooling in my cheeks. "What do you want to do for your birthday?" I asked, changing the subject before we both got too distracted.

He glanced up, one eyebrow raised skeptically. "What?"

"Your thirtieth birthday is coming up, right? April 2nd?"

Jess rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Inevitably. But I don't wanna do any big thing, okay? The less acknowledging of the fact that I'm turning thirty, the better."

"Like you're not gonna make a big deal out of my thirtieth when it comes," I protested, nudging him with my hip. "Come on, Jess, this is a big birthday. We should celebrate!"

Jess tapped his pen against his notepad, glancing at me sidelong, his teeth scraping along his bottom lip. "I'm fine if we do something just the two of us. See a movie or something. I just thought, knowing you, you'd wanna throw a big party or take a trip to Stars Hollow or something."

Neither had occurred to me; in fact, I'd been thinking more along the lines of dinner and a movie. But now that he mentioned it, a trip to Stars Hollow was tempting. Mostly for the comfort of being at home with my mom and Luke and loved ones. But at the same time, I realized, it was scary. The baby situation aside, Jess and I would surely have to deal with constant scrutiny the whole time we were there. I shook my head, smiling at Jess reassuringly. "I was thinking dinner and a movie, I swear." Then I frowned, processing what he'd just said. "And hey, I was never the one to throw the parties. The parties got thrown for me, or I attended the parties. I am not a party-throwing girl. You of all people should know that."

"I beg to differ," Jess argues, an amused light in his dark eyes. "You can't tell me you spent all that time at Yale and didn't go all 'Girls Gone Wild' at least once."

He was smiling, but all of a sudden I felt a sinking feeling inside as out of nowhere, courage found me and locked on my heart. My face fell as I very quickly got serious. "Jess, remember that important thing I was gonna tell you last night before you left?"

Jess' face fell, too, and he put down his pen and turned to face me fully. He crossed his arms, leaning against the counter. Everything about him screamed that I had his full attention. He raised his eyebrows questioningly. "I hadn't forgotten. I was waiting for you to bring it up."

"I figured," I replied. I fiddled with my fingernails, my feet turning over onto their sides in my nervousness. Courage aside, I was shaking like a leaf. "Jess, um." He waited. I froze, unable to get the words out. In my head, I counted. I had three seconds. One... Two... "I'm pregnant." Three.

He let out a loud exhale of breath as he brought one hand up to scrub across his jaw. "Yeah, I'd say that's pretty important." His gaze was steady on me, though I was having trouble reciprocating the eye contact due to the tears pooling in my eyes. "I thought...we were being safe. I mean...how did this happen?"

I laughed humourlessly. "That's the thing. We are being safe. James and I, however...not so much."

His eyes widened, and for the first time I saw Jess looking totally surprised, completely vulnerable. Every wall came crashing down at that moment. "It's his?" he asked, his voice smaller than I'd ever heard it. He wasn't angry. He was...disappointed. My heart broke at how utterly disappointed, how devastated he looked.

"I'm so sorry," I half whispered, choking on a sob at the back of my throat. "I had no idea. Absolutely no idea, I swear."

"That's why you've been sick," he said, realizing. He seemed to be off in his own little world. "How...long have you known?"

"Since Saturday, when I got sick in Stars Hollow. My mom made me take a pregnancy test. But I went to the doctor's yesterday, just to be sure, before I told you... And that's when she told me I'm nine weeks along. You can't really argue with that math, unfortunately..."

I could see Jess doing the math in his head, anyway. His eyes rolled to the ceiling as he counted backwards, only reached about four weeks, and lowered his eyes back to mine. I was horrified to see his eyes were shiny with tears. "Congratulations," he said weakly. Not a trace of sarcasm. Just...trying so hard to do the right thing.

I fell into his arms, squeezing him as hard as I could, burying my face in his chest. After a moment, he processed, and his arms came to wrap around me, too, as he leaned a cheek against the top of my head. We stood like that for so long, I completely lost track of time. Rocking side to side, each snivelling slightly, but so comfortable in each-other's embrace.

Finally, Jess released me, wiping at his eyes with the heel of his palm. He sniffed once more and then glanced at me sympathetically. "If you ever tell anyone I cried, I will write in every single one of your books until they are all unreadable."

I laughed, reaching for a box of tissues and using one to wipe at my own eyes. "I won't. This moment is just for us, anyway."

Jess sighed, running a hand through his hair, only tussling it further. "What do you wanna do? What can I do?" he asked.

I could have kissed him, I was so relieved at how awesome he was being about all this. I resisted the urge, knowing this was a serious time and no occasion for squealing and smooching. "Uh, I'm still trying to figure that out. I haven't told James yet," I added, figuring that was an important detail. "So that's the next step, I guess."

"Think he'll want to...you know...be involved?" Jess asked. I didn't miss the double meaning. Where do I stand in all this?

I could only shrug helplessly. "I have no idea how he's going to react. I think he's back in Ireland, though, so who knows how involved he'll be even if he wants to be."

Jess nodded, leaning back against the counter once more. We were silent for a moment while I let him collect his thoughts. "Rory, um," he began, then stopped. I waited. Then, "Whatever you decide, I will be here. In whatever...capacity you want me to be. But this is your decision. Yours and James'."

My lip trembled as more tears threatened. "I wish it wasn't his," I whispered. I hadn't even admitted this to myself yet, but here I was saying it aloud. "I really wish it wasn't his, Jess."

He reached for my hand, squeezing it once in his own. "I know."

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed again.

He put an arm around my neck, pulling me into his side. "You have nothing to be sorry about," he said, his lips pressed against my hair. "Absolutely nothing. It is what it is. We'll figure it out." He pulled away and made me look into his eyes. "We will figure this out, Ror."

Jess

By the time Rory and I sat down together at her computer the next night, I was oddly at peace with the whole situation. I wasn't sure if it was all in my head, as if a part of me was forcing myself to be okay with this because the rest of me was trying so hard to not be okay with this. It went against my very nature to let this go, to realize it was out of my control, out of Rory's control. I was always one to fight, to defy, to object, if something didn't go my way. But in this case, I knew if I stood any chance of staying in Rory's life, I had to be a thousand-percent supportive. I had to be in it, for the long haul, no questions asked. Before news of this baby came up, I'd been prepared to be that for her, anyway. This child would complicate things, sure, but there was no reason it would prevent me from loving Rory, from being with her.

Now, we were huddled together on her bed, her laptop open in her lap, me with a beer and her with a mug of decaf coffee. She had messaged James late last night after our conversation to set up a Skype session. I positioned myself just out of sight of her laptop's webcam. James didn't need to know I was present, but I was close enough to hold Rory's hand as she told him.

The familiar Skype jingle sounded as Rory pressed Call. She took a deep breath and a sip of coffee. She was gripping my hand so hard it was starting to be painful, but I didn't dare say anything. I had to be there for here. This was me being there for her.

As soon as James' face appeared on the screen, my insides raged. I hated him so much. I hated that he got to be the father of Rory's child. I hated that not only was a pissed, I was jealous. When Rory had first told me she was pregnant, the most peculiar rush of excitement, of joy, had passed through me, amidst the shock and oh, fuck moment, of course. For a split second, I'd pictured it: Rory and I together with a child of our own. My hair, her eyes. A perfect family. And then, a split second later, when I realized the child was James', that was all gone, replaced with the sinking feeling of fear, fear that I would be outcast eventually, as I had my whole life. My fight or flight mechanism had returned, too, full force. I couldn't get pushed aside if I wasn't there to begin with, after all.

But then I looked at Rory and I saw how much she needed me. I realized that leaving her now, as her boyfriend, would be just as bad as if I'd left as the father. It wasn't a question of the child's paternity, it was a question of who Rory had chosen, who she needed. And that person was me. Nothing else mattered.

"Hi," Rory said to the laptop. A metallic, scraping noise was coming from the other end of the Skype call. "Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, fine," James replied. I heard him adjusting something on his computer. The noise stopped. "That better?"

"Yeah," said Rory. She was playing nervously with her fingernails. "How are you?" she started awkwardly.

"I'm fine," he sighed. "In an awful rush, though. Got brunch with my brother in half an hour. What's this about?"

I grit my teeth at the fact that James was trying to brush her off. But I remained the silent presence in Rory's periphery, watching the conversation unfold. "James, I'm pregnant," Rory said firmly. I squeezed her hand. Good for you, Ror.

There was a moment of silence before James spoke. "Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?" he asked incredulously.

Rory shook her head. "I'm not kidding. It's true."

"And it's mine?"

"Yes."

"Wow." James sighed loudly. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I took a pregnancy test and I went to the doctor's on Friday."

"No, I mean are you sure it's mine?"

Rory frowned. "Of course I am."

"You sure it's not that other bloke's? What was his name, now...?"

"His name's Jess," Rory snapped. "And as a matter of fact, I wish it were his, but that's not the case. It's yours. So what are you going to do about it?"

I blinked, surprised both at Rory's sudden assertiveness and also at her statement that she wished it was mine. It sent a tingle down from the crown of my head to my toes. It wasn't unpleasant. I squeezed her hand again.

James was just as stunned as I was, apparently. "I dunno," he replied, the irritating sarcasm finally gone from his voice. "I mean I'm...I live here, Rory. I've moved back to Ireland, permanently. I can't well come back, I'd have to get another Visa."

Rory's face was a picture of determination. "So that's that, then."

"Well, hang on-"

"Nope, that's all I needed to hear. I just figured you had a right to know."

"Rory, stop this. We have to talk about this."

"There's nothing more to talk about. Bye, James." She slammed her laptop shut, and then there was nothing but deafening silence.

A/N: I told y'all Literati ain't going anyway! A reminder that life isn't a fairytale, and that significant relationships that end rarely fade away immediately without repercussions. To those who were upset by these turns of events, bear with me. There's a happy ending ahead, promise :)

Speaking of ending, I'm probably gonna write four more chapters and wrap this bad boy up at 30. I have other ideas for stories but I want to finish this one before I start another. Let's do this! The beginning of the end...