Tatooine IV: Forgiveness and Stuff

I'm holding my heart out, but clutching it, too.

~ "Reasons Why," by Nickel Creek, from their self-titled album.

Later...

By the time I make it back to the Strike, it's after another shared pitcher with Boz, and we're both stumbling a lot more than we should. Thankfully, the trip from the cantina to the hangar is trouble-free. When we say our good nights at the hangar's entrance, he orders me to be extra-careful gettin' back to the ship, as Tan will "have his head" if something happens to me. I know the same is true for Boz, so we promise each other we'll each walk real slow and careful-like back to our respective ships.

The hangar-bay is open to reveal a deep, dark sky peppered with stars; there are more than I'd've figured, given the combined lights of Anchorhead and the planet's three moons. Below the sky there's an ocean of pale, moon-bleached sand that seems to stretch out forever. I glance at the Strike, resting silently on the duracrete floor, then decide to make my way to the hangar's edge to get a better look at the stars.

As I pass by the Strike's loading-ramp, I catch the scent of cigarra smoke and her voice hits me like a shot. "Corso."

My heart actually skips a beat. She has that effect on me. Not sure what to do, I freeze in place and keep my eyes ahead. "Captain?"

"Got a minute?"

Now I glance over and see her seated at the base of the loading-ramp, knees bent, holding a burning cigarra. There are handfuls of cigarra-ends scattered around her, which makes me wonder how long she's been sitting out here, and if she's really been waiting for me. It sure looks that way. When my eyes make it to her face I can't read her expression through the darkness.

I reach her side and take a seat next to her; my movements are a little more clunky than normal, but I manage not to fall, so that counts as a win in my book. Even if I thought I wouldn't be all slurry and senseless I'm not sure what to say. Instead, I keep my mouth shut and watch the spirals of smoke that she's blowing away from me get carried off by the warm night breeze.

Between us, there's a long, long silence. Awkward too, like neither one of us knows quite how to begin whatever is probably gonna be said. Just when I think I'm gonna have to try and pull some words together first, she speaks up. "I didn't know when you were coming back."

"I...needed some time."

Tan nods and meets my eyes. Most of the hangar is shadowy, but at this angle the moonlight is bright enough to show the worry in her gaze. "I don't want to keep you at arm's length," she murmurs. "I have a hard time letting folks in, even when I want to. Because...well, because I just do." She sighs heavily. "That's a pretty terrible reason."

I almost chuckle at this, because...well, it's just so her. But I don't much feel like laughing, even a little bit, and even if I did, I've got enough sense to know now's not the time. I may be drunk, but I'm not a kriffin' idiot.

"It's a truthful one, at any rate," I say after a beat.

Tan takes another drag. The burning tip of the cigarra flares brightly before she exhales a stream of smoke. "I'm sorry."

Stars above, her voice is so small. I've never heard it this way before, and some of the parts of me that were upset with her ease up a little even as my heart seems to get tight in my chest. She's hurting too. I know it takes guts to apologize, and I can tell this one's heartfelt.

Suddenly all that other stuff doesn't matter. What happened with the Sith seems not worth bein' upset over, and I just want to be close to Tan. That's all I want. I can't stop myself from putting an arm around her shoulders. "Forgiven."

The cigarra falls to the hangar floor as she leans her head into my neck, pressing herself close to my side. "I do trust you," she murmurs into my shirt. "Please believe that. It's me that's the problem."

"It's okay," I say. "I know you trust me." It's always so good to touch her, so I reach up and push a loose strand of her hair back behind her ear, letting my fingertips brush against her cheek. "I just need to hear it, sometimes."

I feel her nod against my shoulder. "I'll try to be better."

This makes me smile. Better. What could possibly be better? "Alright."

"So...we're okay?"

Kriff, she feels so good against me, I can't help but rub her shoulder gently. In response, her body molds itself to mine, like we were made for each other, like we're two parts of one whole. I inhale, and her scent fills the air around me; cigarra smoke and leather, and something sweet that she uses to wash her hair.

Three specific words almost come out, but I change them at the last second. Now's not the time. "Yeah, we're okay."

"Good." There's a pause, then she speaks again. "Will you come with me, tomorrow? I think I'll be heading to Hixan's hideout, and Bowdaar still hasn't recovered from Drooga's treatment."

"Aye, Captain," I say, unable to stop myself from teasing her a little. What I say next is more serious, though. "You know I'll follow you anywhere."

"Thank you." Her entire body relaxes into mine and for a few minutes we sit in silence. Again, I study the dunes beyond the hangar-bay door, watching as a particularly strong wind picks up bits and pieces of sand, and scatters 'em like sugar.

The scattered sugar-sand dissipates, but I know it's not gone, only shifted. Nothing is ever truly gone, but it can change. It can get better. It already has.

The world is quiet and dark. Beneath the sound of wind I can hear the melody of Tan's breathing, and right now it feels like we're the only people on this whole planet.

Tan murmurs an apology again; I hug her shoulders and tell her it's okay, again. After, with her her cheek still resting against my chest, she inhales deeply, like she's breathing me in. Like I sustain her as much as she does, me.

Now we sit in comfortable silence and I don't think, I know that nothing is as good as this.

Nothing.

A/N: Short installment, I know. This was originally attached to the tail-end of the previous one, but I thought it should stand on its own. I don't normally write first-person POV, present-tense, but thought the emotion in this piece lent itself to that format. A similar POV/tense from Tan will appear in a later vignette.

Thank you for reading! :)

Next time: Confrontation in Lightspring Cavern.