Pairing: This chapter contains Ichimaru x Matsumoto, slight Ukitake/Kira, slight Ichimaru/Kira and, slight Renji/Kira
Rating: M
Warnings: There is also slight OOC, slight language, some violence, some blood, and slight sexual content.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does.

He could still hear Renji's voice even though he was miles away. He still believed in him. After all that they had been through, Renji still believed that he was going to survive. Kira thought back to his road of pain and agony. He had lost so much along the way, including his mind, but still Renji wanted him to see it through.

"I don't deserve your hope, Abarai-kun," Kira breathed as he looked at the sky, watching as the stars glistened. "I don't even deserve to live after all I've done. I could have easily died that night, I should have, but now I guess it's too late."

He then heard someone come closer to him, his hand reaching the hilt of Wabisuke. Which one was coming for him? Was it Aizen? Was he going to make his appearance that night? He swallowed hard as his hand shook on his zanpakutou as he looked into the darkness before him, waiting for a face.

His blood froze as the darkness cleared leaving a figure of a man before him. It was his old captain. He couldn't breathe as he looked at him, his heart starting to slow as he realized that his nightmare had come true. Every step that them man took froze him in place, he had nowhere to run.

"Why did you come back?" Kira asked as his whole body started to shake involuntarily.

One of Ichimaru's hands touched his head, freezing him in place. He was completely defenseless before him. There was no way that he was going to escape this time. He thought back to the moment he wanted to be a captain, this is what he feared would happen. Ichimaru was back to protect his title.

"Why are you wandering the city all by yourself, Izuru?" Ichimaru asked, that deadly smile on his face as he wove his hand through Kira's blond hair. "You could get hurt…"

A sense of power rolled through Kira as he pushed his captain's hand away. "Shut up!" he looked into his former captain's eyes. "I don't want you to touch me, you monster! I know what you've been doing. It's disgusting… you tried to kill me that night. I know it was you who sent that hollow, I've always known."

"You've known all this time?" Ichimaru asked, his smile widening. "Then you should know why I've been doing that. I won't be replaced, not by a crybaby lieutenant who hasn't been able to stand since I left you…" he stepped closer. "I will not let that division fail because of you, Izuru. We both know you're not fit to be a captain."

He took a deep breath as he bowed his head. He wasn't captain material. This whole time, all of the ones that were around him were crumbling to pieces and it was all because he couldn't balance being a captain and communicating with them. Ichimaru was right.

"I don't want to talk to you…" Kira breathed as he looked into his eyes. "You're disgusting…"

At that moment, he felt one of those hands wrap around his neck, his whole body being pressed up against a wall. He couldn't breathe. His hands moved to Ichimaru's wrist, desperately trying to free himself. It was all in vain, he was pinned. His eyes watered as the grip was tightened, his body shaking as he tried to break away. Everything got hazy as he looked at his captain, his red eyes open, the smile that graced his lips fading away.

"Listen to me, and listen well," he hissed as he tightened his grip on Kira's neck. "You should have never tried to replace me. Maybe then Ukitake wouldn't have almost died, maybe Abarai-kun wouldn't have gone mad, and maybe Hinamori wouldn't be in prison," he tightened his grip, tears rolling down Kira's face as he moved in to whisper. "Admit it, Izuru, you're nothing without me," he pushed him deeper into the wall, Kira letting out a howl. "I'm always going to be stronger than you no matter how many bankai you achieve."

Kira coughed as he looked into his captain's eyes. "What about you?" he struggled to breathe. "Maybe if you never came back Matsumoto-san wouldn't be carrying your child…"

Shinsou was then put up against his neck as he whimpered, Ichimaru's hand tightening. "Leave Rangiku out of this! She has nothing to do with this. I should slit your throat for what you bastards did to her."

Kira closed his eyes as he thought about all that he had seen. The world that was surrounding them had changed. It had grown dark, so dark that no one could notice Ichimaru lurking in the shadows. He was going to die at that moment and all he could hear were the words that Renji had been screaming to him. There was one person who believed in him, one person who he held dear to his being who thought he could beat this. He looked into Ichimaru's eyes, feeling Shinsou move closer to his neck. For once in his life, he wasn't scared.

"Then kill me," Kira breathed. "I was the one who put her in there."

"What?" Ichimaru asked, his eyes burning.

"Come on, Gin," Kira hissed through clenched teeth. "Kill me!"

Ichimaru moved closer to Kira's ear, his breath hot up against him. "I missed you, Izuru…"

He dropped him on the ground, Kira coughing violently as he grasped his neck trying to catch his breath. His eyes looked up at his former captain watching as he smiled again, placing Shinsou back in it's sheath. As he looked at him, he didn't know what he saw. He tried desperately to see Aizen's dog, see the slave that he had become, but as he looked into his eyes he knew that he couldn't see that. All he could see was the man that is heart had cried out for. This was Captain Ichimaru, his captain.

"I missed you too," Kira stated as he drew Wabisuke. "I missed the fact that I hate you. I won't be manipulated anymore," he pointed his sword at his former captain. "I never wanted to kill you until this moment. Everything that you've done, it's all monstrous. The captain that I knew wouldn't do this.

"Calm down, Izuru," Ichimaru laughed as he looked at his lieutenant.

That moment changed everything that Kira had felt previous to this day. Wabisuke had sliced through Ichimaru's skin, drawing his blood. With every drop, Kira took a deep breath as he looked into his captain's eyes, his heart breaking as he realized what he had to do. He had to surpass him. He had to let him go. He had to show everyone that he was more than "poor Izuru-chan." This was his moment.

"I don't want to this," Kira breathed as his body shook violently, his eyes looking into Ichimaru's. "But I have to, I have to protect everyone who I care about," he grasped Wabisuke tighter. "I have to kill you!"

"Kill me?" Ichimaru asked as he looked down at Kira. "You couldn't kill shit."

"I will kill you," Kira breathed.

"Then come on," Ichimaru breathed as he drew Shinsou, throwing it the side, Kira's heart stopping as he heard it hit the ground. "Come on! Kill me!" he watched as Kira started to shake. "Are you too scared? Or are you changing your mind? Kill me!"

Kira's eyes watered. "Ichimaru-taichou…"

"Kill me…" Ichimaru offered. "Show me what you want to do to me…"

Kira's hand shook on Wabisuke as he looked into Ichimaru's eyes. He knew that he wouldn't be able to do it. All of this time, all of the words that he had said to Renji, he knew that he wasn't as tough as he would have wanted to be. Renji had told him that he could do anything, that he would be a captain if he really wanted to be. He looked into his eyes, his hands tightening on Wabisuke. He then threw it to the ground, moving forward to embrace his captain.

As he was in his arms, he felt safe. He felt like he had gone back to the days where they were all happy and alive. All of the bloodshed and tears were gone at that moment leaving nothing but hope. In his embrace was the world of joy, the world where his friends weren't in pain. It was the world that was destroyed as soon as he wanted to be a captain. But now he had found it again. He was content.

"I missed you so much," Kira whimpered. "I didn't know what to do without you. I…"

"I'm back," Ichimaru breathed as he stroked his back. "And you can hold onto me forever. You can have your life back with all of your friends in one piece. All you have to do it leave my position alone."

Kira felt as those arms left him, his eyes moving to the man that he had respected with all of his heart. "Where are you going? Don't leave me again. Don't run away from me again. Stay with me…"

Ichimaru looked over his shoulder. "You have gotten stronger, Izuru," he turned to face him, freezing the lieutenant in place. "Next time I want to see that bankai I've heard so much about. I want to rip it to shreds with my own hands…"

Kira shook his head. "Taichou…"

"Bye bye, Izuru," Ichimaru waved as he walked away. "I look forward to our next meeting…"

As Ichimaru disappeared, Kira fell down to his knees, tears running from his eyes. The blood that was on his hands, it haunted him, his heart stopping as he looked at them. It was his captain's blood. After all of the respect that he once had for that man, he still felt as though he should raise a sword against him. He was a monster. He was as corrupt as the other captains.

"What did I do to deserve this?" he asked himself as he closed his hand, he was just another captain, he had no mind of his own.

Or was he? He fought for what he believed in; he wove around the laws to face the man that he had feared for so long. He had challenged the law and decided to breathe on his own. He wasn't one of the people who were watching as Renji was about to be executed. He was different than that. If he was in that situation, he could be the one to show them that it was okay for them to step forward and stop a disgusting display of barbarianism. He could save Renji's life.

"Why am I running away?" he asked as he thought back to Renji's words, remembering the look in his eyes as he screamed after him. "Why do I always run?"

"No matter how much I respect him, no matter how much I feel as though my life would change without him, I know that I would have to move ahead of him for the better of the division. When someone leaves, someone needs to be there to pick up the pieces so no one has to die."

"Abarai-kun," he breathed. "Thank you…"

He thought back on that day when Renji and he had spoken about what Renji would do if Kuchiki ever betrayed him. He would stand and he would fight. He would try. Kira's eyes watered as he realized what he was being, he was being swept away by a tide of despair as he watched all of those who were close to him on the shore, trying to reach to him. He was a fool to think that they didn't care. He was fool to give up on them.

He rose to his feet, remembering what Ichimaru had said to him. He wasn't strong enough to be a captain. All of this time, he had told himself that. He had convinced himself that he wasn't supposed to be a captain. Yet now as he heard the words that Ichimaru had said he knew that he was wrong. Maybe he was stronger than he thought. He looked down at the place where he had fallen, his heart sinking as he realized that he had made the greatest mistake of his life when he gave up the dream that he and Ukitake had shared. Instead of running away from a world where he just stood and watched, he had run into it. He had become what he had hated for so long, it was painful.

His eyes scanned his surrounding, stopping as they fell upon the 13th Division. He was so mindless to think that he could live a life that he wanted when he threw all of his dreams away. He had been so blind to think that he saw a life aside from the one that he had suffered going through. If he gave up, everything would be in vain. He had to change his course to save the smiles on their faces.

"Hinamori-kun, Abarai-kun, Hisagi-san," he took a deep breath as he started to move from where he stood. "I will save all of you no matter what."

He walked closer to that building remembering the day in the rain. He had been thinking the same way back then as well. He had thought that his world was over and the only way to save himself was to take a chance and try to become a captain. He remembered the look on Ukitake's face as he told him that he wanted to go to the next level. He couldn't believe it, it as a surprise.

All of his life he had wanted to live in Ichimaru's shadow, to live the life that Ichimaru wanted him to. He never made his own opinions; he never reached for his own goals. Now that he did, Ichimaru slammed him, told him to stay the course that he had started him on. Kira was fed up; there was only so much of this he could take. Ichimaru was gone; it was no longer his rank.

He walked closer, his heart racing as he thought about what Ukitake would say. Would he welcome him back? Or would he tell him that he blew all of his chances? He had let Ukitake go roughly that day; he hadn't had a civil conversation with him since. Kira had blamed Ukitake for Renji's near execution and Hinamori's arrest. Kira didn't want to say it was his fault, but now he knew. He could have spoken up, he could have done something, instead he stood still.

He opened the door and walked into the office, seeing Ukitake sitting at his desk, looking through paperwork. As the captain's eyes gazed upon him, Kira knew that he had seen the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Kira-kun?" Ukitake asked as he stood up. "What happened?"

The lieutenant's whole body started to shake as he looked at the captain, his heart racing as he choked on the words that he was going to say. He didn't know how he could react, but he no longer cared. He didn't care what anyone else wanted. He knew what he wanted, and for once he was going to listen to his own heart.

"I changed my mind," he breathed as he walked into the office, Ukitake running to his side. "Make me a captain…"

He collapsed in Ukitake's arms as he came closer to him. Judging by the smile on the captain's face he knew that he was going to be accepted again. The nostalgic warmth of the captain's body make his heart race, a smile tugging at his lips. This was where he belonged. This was what he wanted.

"What made you change your mind?" Ukitake asked as he moved to set him on a couch, his eyes looking into his.

Kira thought back to what he had heard earlier that night. The words still echoing in his mind as a smile rolled across his face. All he needed was a push to get him started and then he would be the one who fell down the hill into the waters of success. He owed that all to one man.

"What are you going to do? Leave the game when it gets too rough? That's why you never get anything you want. You always run away when you only have a few more steps to go because something insignificant happened. Stop running; accept what you have right in front of you…"

He looked into Ukitake's eyes right before he fell into unconsciousness, a smile on his face as he remembered that moment. "Abarai-kun…"

The next chapter, Ichimaru is going to do something that's EXTREME, even for him.