A/N: By reminder/request, Sirius' 'week' has been written. Read at your own risk. Or... your sanity's risk... maybe... An attempt at doing Sirius' insanity justice. Or is it injustice?
A/N 2: Warning! Copious amounts of 'time-skips' and character torture. You have been warned. Now, delve into the horror that is Sirius hung up on bananas! Initial inspiration drawn from a 'Characters Read the Book' parody. Can't remember the name, but Sirius was going on about bananas pretty much the whole time. If you find it, I'll give you a root beer float. Because banana splits will be ruined for you after this. Probably...
A/N 3: Minor edits. I realized a discrepancy. Should be fixed now.
Chapter 26: Banana Terror Week
Our story starts with a cliché. A cliché in the fact that on-one quite knows how it starts, only that it needed to end. Quickly. And possibly painfully for the culprit. Certainly humiliation was in order. Who was this terror? Who had incurred the wrath of the whole castle? Why, who else than the one, the only, Sirius Orion Black the Third? Yes, it was the time-and-dimension-traveler himself. Or rather, not himself. See, something had happened to him. Something strange. He thought he was a Gryffindor. He thought the rest of the Marauders should be Gryffindors. So, he had stolen three uniforms, in their sizes, and forced them to wear them. And that wasn't all of it. He was also strangely obsessed with bananas. Yes. Bananas. And while he would sleep in the Slytherin dorms, he seemed to believe it was acceptable to prank all of his Housemates to within an inch of their sanity and their lives. With bananas. Banana pudding, banana chips, pet bananas, pet bananas with families, pet bananas with pet bananas, bananas with pet humans, bananas swimming in chocolate syrup singing 'the sailor song.' No-one knew where he got the last one, or how he did it, but he did it! Buckets of over-ripe bananas were rigged to fall on people, pans of banana pudding were flung at faces and heads, and through it all, was Sirius. Sirius walking around talking to the undamaged bananas, eating bananas, writing banana poetry. He even introduced people to his bananas and then acted offended when they told him, "It's a banana." Now, this is just the overview. The(edited) summary that would be put into the next edition of Hogwarts: A History. Sirius had his own entry into the Hogwarts history book, you ask? Why yes. In fact, the Marauders as a whole had a whole chapter! Said chapter was rather long and had a bio for each Marauder and their many 'accomplices.' It was written by the students that attended those seven years(spanning all seven years), first edited by the teachers of Hogwarts, and then finally revised and edited to fit the dry, stuffy tone of Hogwarts: A History by the paid editors. Too bad these were the Marauders and anything they touched became awesome. Though, the Slytherins would argue that point for this particular story. To them, it would not simply be 'that week when Sirius went bananas for bananas.' No. To the ladies and gents in the silver and green it would forever be known as... Banana Terror Week!
/*/
Severus was walking around, carefully not thinking, when Sirius suddenly barreled around the corner, skidded for about a foot, then scampered around to peek around the corner he just threw himself around. "Sirius?" Severus called. The Black twisted around, looking at the Snape with wide eyes. "What in Merlin's name are you doing?" Severus asked, giving his not-wholly-sane friend a puzzled look.
"Snivillous?" Sirius asked, sounding totally bamboozled by... something. Severus quirked an eyebrow.
"I know you enjoy nick-names, Sirius, but really? Snivillous? That's certainly a new one," he drawled, regarding his even less sane friend curiously. Sirius looked almost affronted.
"New? Nick-names? Civility?! What the heck is going on here?!" he shouted.
"Over there! Black's around the corner!" came an angry voice. Severus groaned.
"What have you done this time?" he asked, feeling very put upon. Sirius, for his part, simply stared at Severus in shock. This was the boy he tormented for James and Lily. This was the greasy little bat that the Marauders used for target practice. This was the sneering Slytherin that gave as bad as he got. And he was making the same face Remus would whenever Sirius and James would come back to the dorm after doing something fun. Though, Remus would say stupid. Pah! What did that Ravenclaw in Gryffindor robes know? Wait! No! Snivillous! Acting like they were friends! Looking not-entirely-greasy-Slytherin-bat! And asking a question the usually came from Perfect Prefect Remus. Right.
"Uhhhhhhhhhh..." Nice. Severus dropped his head into his hands.
"Of course. Stupid question. You've clearly taken leave of your senses and done something Gryffindor. Which is to say; rash, reckless, headstrong, and foolish. If not downright stupid. Or insane. Possibly both. This is you we're talking about here. Ah well, best see how angry you made those..." at this moment, a group of seventh year Hufflepuffs come baring down on them. Covered in banana pudding. "Hufflepuffs?" Severus questioned, completely shocked. He slowly turned to look at his insane(no use denying it at this point) friend. "Care to explain why you've dumped banana pudding on members of the most terrifying House in the school, Mr. Black?" Severus asked, doing his level best to recreate the Professor Snape Sirius had told him about. He hoped it would scare Sirius witty(seeing as he was already witless). However, he was to be denied. Sirius laughed.
"Because it's funny!" the crazy teen said. Severus shook his head and stood aside.
"Go ahead," he told the seething Badgers, "he's earned it." The Hufflepuffs nodded to the Slytherin Potions Prince once, then descended on the hapless Black.
/*/
When the Hufflepuffs finished, they were kind enough to take the now moaning Sirius up to the hospital wing. "I thought we'd warned you," James said, shaking his head. He, Peter, and Remus had recently been assaulted by a freaked out Sirius who was shouting about someone pranking him with Slytheirn robes and then forced into Gryffindor robes by the hysterical Black who had been on his way to get five buckets of banana pudding only an hour previous. They had decided, whatever Sirius was going to do, in his state, he was going to end up in the hospital wing. So, they had gone back to their dorms, changed, and gone to wait in said hospital wing. And what do you know? They'd been right. And they had warned him. They told him nothing good would come from that much banana pudding. Especially if it were to be mixed with Hufflepuffs. They were the scary ones of the school, all quite, unassuming, and relentlessly hardworking. And since they'd been at school, they'd gotten down right ferocious when agitated. And Sirius had done just that. The idiot. Or perhaps he was just insane?
"Since when were you the killjoy?" Sirius asked, though he was so battered that it came out as something more akin to, "'ince w'en 'er oo da 'illjo?" Peter was sitting at the foot of the bed, trying, unsuccessfully, to cover his snickers at the state his Housemates had left his friend. "And what's so funny about this?" Sirius tried to say, but I won't torture you with the poor, mangled version that fought it's way past his lips.
"Oh, nothing. Nothing aside from the fact that you got owned by a bunch of Hufflepuffs without wands. Oh, what would your mother think!" Peter said, unholy glee in his eyes. Sirius gave him a curious look. At fifteen, Sirius remembered Peter being dumpy, jumpy, and following him and James with something bordering on hero worship. The snickering Hufflepuff, who had put his House robes back on now that Sirius couldn't nearly strangle him trying to change them, didn't quite fit that image.
"Don't bring our mother into this, Peter," Regulus drawled from the doorway, where he was leaning against it in a passable imitation of his brother. "Thinking of how she'd scream herself horse at the insult would only make him say, with that dratted smirk on his hippogryph scarred face, 'totally worth it.'" James sighed, Peter tried to stifle a snort, and Remus proceeded to bang his head against the wall. Slowly and deliberately. Make no mistake though, the impacts were still enough to have Sirius wincing at the sight, and meaty thud, of them.
"Yeah, sounds about right for this dunderhead," Severus said, walking in with a glass of water and a white plastic bottle. He handed them first to James, and once the Potter had downed two pills and a swig of water, passed them to Regulus. The younger Black tapped two pills into his hand, nodded to Severus, then kicked them back with a healthy swig of water. Peter was next. He put the pills in his mouth, shook his head at Sirius, and kicked them back with a swallow of water to chase them down. By now, Sirius was confused. "Oi! Fuzzy Wuzzy! Stop killing brain cells and take a chill pill or three," Severus called to the prefect. Surprisingly, Remus stopped and took both bottle and glass. He nodded to Severus, took the pills, and finished the water in one giant gulp.
"I trust you took yours already?" the werewolf asked his friend. The not-quiet-as-greasy-as-remembered Slytherin nodded.
"Yes. I did so as soon as I realized he had doused a group of seventh year Hufflepuffs because it was, in his words, 'funny.' I also took a preemptive tour of my dorm while he received his beating. I also offered a suggestion to the rest of the House to do so as well. Stating that Sirius was further out of his mind than usual prompted a rush for the dorms," Severus replied. James sighed, relaxing in his seat as the pills seemed to take effect.
"What did you give them you Stinking Snake?" Sirius asked. The group was, for once, glad for his mangled speech as the insult was so garbled they could pretend they didn't hear it.
"A muggle drug called Aspirin with magical enhancements made by... a mutual friend. They prevent headaches and reduce any pain inflicted for a full 24 hours. I deemed this a suitable scenario for dispersing them. And no, you may not have any. You are the reason I pulled out these pills as a preemptive measure and therefore have no right to them for the duration of your insanity," Severus said, slipping the bottle into the inner pocket of his robe. Luckily for them, Sirius not being in his right mind seemed to have removed the knowledge of their Sirius from his head, making it so he had no way of knowing that Severus had just sent the pills to James. Still, the Black was giving Severus one killer glare. If it weren't for the fact that he could see the shimmering magical restraints, he would have been a little afraid. As it was, he was merely worried about the state of his room once the Black was released.
/*/
The Slytherin common room was treated to the sight of Sirius Black decked out in Gryffindor robes, still a little yellow from his run in with the Hufflepuffs, and getting dragged kicking and screaming into the room by a rather put out looking Severus Snape. Severus took a look around the room, found his roommates, and said, "I'd secure anything you don't want pranked and get wards up around your beds in the next five minutes, because that's how long I'm likely to be able to hold this lunatic back." A mad rush for the dorm and much pleading later, the only bed not warded six ways to Sunday was Sirius', and said Black had been shoved inside. Sans his wand. Suffice to say, he was not a happy wizard. The poor souls who had to share a room with him shared looks. "I'll get the blankets," Severus said, trudging off.
"I'll take care of pillows!"
"Can we get hot chocolate?"
"What about s'mores over the fire?" The other Slytherin's shook their heads at the Fifth year boys as they turned what should have been horror into a slumber party. Of course, they couldn't avoid going into the dorm in the morning, and they didn't think they could live in the common room for very long, a few days at best. Sirius was no-where to be seen. This... was not cause for relief. No. It made his dorm mates even more tense. A Sirius unseen was a Sirius laying in wait. They swiftly gathered their needed materials, checking them carefully for anything out of the ordinary, before heading to the showers. MacNair was pushed to the front, by Severus he suspected. Swallowing hard, he peeked around the corner and slowly made his way into the room. The other Fifth Years trailed behind, wands in hand.
"You bathe with your wands in hand? Man, Slytherin's are weird," Sirius drawled as he saw them. He was freshly showered, fully dressed, and had a hair brush in his hand. Severus sighed. So maybe he wasn't back to normal after a good night's sleep. Shame.
"Sirius... go... wait for me by your bed. I'll deal with you later," Severus said, waving a hand toward the dorm while he hung his head. Sirius smirked, chuckling darkly.
"Oh! So scary! You're going to 'deal with me later.' Yeah right," he said, but nonetheless left the room and sat by his bed. Severus caught himself twitching and jerking, looking over his shoulder at the teen. A humming Sirius was up to something, and it never boded well.
/*/
Severus had, predictably, been right. One day. Only one day, and he already decided he hated bananas. Sirius, however, had decided he loved them. And finally taken full leave of his senses. Severus could now see that the Sirius he was friends with was much more mature than his Gryffindor counterpart and had great sense in comparison. Yes... excellent sense. And that was not some thing the Slytherin was used to thinking in regards toward the Black. Any Black really, though Regulus was a bit better. "Regulus," Severus muttered. Perhaps he would know how to fix his brother. It was worth a shot in any case.
/*/
Severus was denied. And covered in smashed banana. And was now being followed by a crying Sirius trying vainly to curse him. With a banana. Severus vowed he would never touch another banana as long as he lived. As soon as Sirius was back to normal. He hoped it would come soon. The smell of bananas was beginning to choke him.
.
.
.
It was only the end of day one.
.
.
.
Merlin help them all.
/*/
Peeves was on cloud nine. With bananas. Who knew Sirius could be so insane? Aside from the other Marauders and his associates, that is. "Ba ba ba, banana. Ba ba ba, baba banana. Ba ba ba, baba Banana! All day and all night, little Bobby Baba sang his little song! Ba ba ba, baba banana!"
"PEEVES! I SWEAR! IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I WILL BIND YOU TO A URINAL!" came an enraged yell. Surprisingly enough, this yell came from Sir Nicholas deMimsy Porpingtion, AKA Nearly-Headless Nick.
"You don't even have a wand!" some random voice called. Nearly-Headless Nick was more furious than anyone had ever seen him. Even the ghosts.
"NO! BUT I SURE AS MERLIN'S BEARD DON'T NEED ONE TO INFLICT HELL UPON THIS UNCHIVERLOUS CRETIN WITH THE MATURITY LEVEL OF A BRAIN DEAD SLUG AND THE SENSE OF A HALF STARVED CROW!" Nick bellowed1. Peeves, for once, did the smart thing and went to hide in the vanishing cabinet. Which choose that week to actually vanish. Go figure.
/*/
The whole Slytherin table was looking rather droopy, Peter thought as he looked at the table of Green and Silver. Not that he could blame them. Three days. Three. Freaking. Days. Sirius had been obsessed with bananas. And pranks. Oh sure the wizard liked pranks, everyone knew that, but he actually studied. And helped others study. And worked his friends and cohorts into the ground with practical reviews. Especially DADA. They still didn't have a competent teacher in that role. Aside from Sirius. When he wasn't tottaly off his rocker. Or... bananas. Haha, he cracked himself up. Severus came to his table, sinking onto the bench like a sack of ooze. And no, Peter will not tell you, or anyone else, where that comparison came from. So don't ask. "Kill me now," the slightly better than a bag of ooze moaned. Hum. Make that, a depressed and suicidal bag of emo ooze. This was not a going to be a good day.
"Still no relief?" Peter asked sympathetically. Severus moaned and sank lower. Peter was struck by the crazy thought that, if they were in an anime, Severus would be a depressed puddle on the floor. That, or a play-do doll with those 'depression squiggles' above his head. Or perhaps he'd be in the corner growing mushrooms? Nah, definitely a play-do doll. He suddenly came to a startling, and disheartening, conclusion.
"Good Merlin. I'm insane," Peter said, the revelation too much to keep internalized. Severus moaned and sank lower.
"And I'm slowly approaching the same fate. Someone, save me!" Goo!Severus... oozed? Seriously, moaned, groaned, and whimpered don't do the tone of complete and utter depression and woe justice. Peter sighed, patting his back. He just wished it would be over already. He couldn't enjoy his lunch anymore.
/*/
Sirius was being... almost normal. This was cause for suspicion. However, the evil, evil wizard let them stew in their own fear and tension for most of the day. Until the middle of lunch, to be exact. The one moment when practically the whole school was gathered together in one spot. That... was when reality itself started screaming incoherently. Some of the more unique students swore it. Lovegood later told Regulus he had heard something in that anguished cry about 'dogs, murder, and Physics. Which is just silly. Who would ever name their child Physics?' Regulus had just sighed and patted his colleague on the back. He couldn't answer that insanity. Why? Well... "Is that... a river of... chocolate syrup?" one random, unnamed, Hogwarts student wearing red and gold asked. Sirius was beaming. And wearing a top hat. A purple top hat.
"AHHHHHHHH! BANANAS!" the Slytherins yelled, diving for the door. The house elves would have a few choice words about the amount of chocolate they had to wash out of the Syltherin robes that day. And yes, there were bananas swimming in the chocolate syrup. And singing. Singing Peeves' song.
"Ba ba ba, banana. Ba ba ba, baba banana. Ba ba ba, baba Banana! All day and all night, little Bobby Baba sang his little song! Ba ba ba, baba banana!" The Gryffindor's tried 'kill[ing] it with fire!' but that just made them sing louder. And multiply. Sirius was now wearing a purple tail coat. A purple velvet tail coat. And singing. Loudly. And slightly off-key. While dancing. Poorly. Very... poorly.
"YOU AREN'T WILLY WONKA! HE DOSEN'T HAVE ANY BANANA FLAVORED CANDY!" one brave, or stupid, student yelled. It is still unknown if he was brave or just really really stupid. The fact he wasn't doing his best to escape and/or break the curse on the Great Hall had many leaning toward a mix of really stupid and mildly insane. No-one could honestly be called straight up insane while Sirius was doing... whatever the Fudge he was doing. No-one besides Sirius that was.
"I'm getting too old for this," Dumbledore moaned, McGoneagall patting him on the back. Slughorn had already vanished. Dratted Syltherin Walrus. Sirius continued to dance and sing. Many in Hogwarts swore they would never eat another Wonka candy again2. Luckily for the students, the bananas only sang Peeves' song for three minutes, granted it was a torturous and repetitive three minutes, but there was some small measure of grace in the thought. Unluckily, the bananas switched songs and began singing about sailing and pillaging and coming together to 'sing I love you.'3 Truly, it was a horrible and mentally scarring four hours and the house-elves were certainly not pleased with Sirius afterwards. Would you be, having to clean up that much chocolate syrup? No. I didn't think so.
/*/
The rest of the week proceeded in a similar manner. But, thankfully, there were no more rivers of chocolate syrup. Still, the torture the school was put through after that horrendous day was more than enough to have several people contemplating either murder, suicide, or a murder/suicide. Imagine their surprise when, come Sunday morning, Sirius woke up the same as he was before the week of terror. He dressed in his usual Slytherin robes, walked calmly to the table, and generally acted normal and sane. He paid the looks no mind, then turned to James and asked him, "Do you want a banana?" He was rather bamboozled when everyone within earshot flinched. James actually fell over and scrambled away on his back, eyes wide in terror. Sirius shrugged, though he was a little unnerved by the reaction. "Fine. More for me," he said, and then proceeded to eat the banana. He was also a little confused when he was dragged up to the Hospital Wing and Madam Pompfry let out a relieved 'finally!' as she ran a brain scan. He was even more worried when she fainted.
"It came back clear!" she moaned, once she came too. Sirius shook his head at them all.
"Of course it did. I'm perfectly sane thank you! Now, if that's all, I want to finish my banana," he said. He still didn't understand why that word caused them to flinch. He liked bananas, so what?
/?/
Footnote 1: A memo was put out after what came to be known as the 'Peeves got PWN'D' incident. Never get Sir Nicholas mad. EVER. This memo was followed near religiously and passed down as an unwritten rule for generations. It also got a mention in Hogwarts: A History: Student Edition. Yes, the students of Hogwarts wrote their own edition of Hogwarts: A History. It is also referred to as the unabridged version. It cannot be found in bookstores.
Footnote 2: When the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory came out, there wasn't a witch or wizard who had attended Hogwarts with the Marauders that didn't flinch, wince, or run away screaming at the mention of it. The fact that it had a picture of the very same outfit Sirius had somehow conjured up only added to the hysteria. Petunia found it all highly amusing and would occasionally tease her husband with it.
Footnote 3: The students didn't learn, until they'd been out of Hogwarts for years, that it was a real song and that it was called 'The Sailor Song.' No-one was quite sure what to make of it, though a few were able to move past the trauma and find the song funny. Though, they still twitched if someone started singing it.
/?/
A/N: No bananas were harmed in the making of this monster chapter. And I have a feeling I totally failed this. Aside from the choco-river thing. That... was better than I thought it would be. Go Lovegood! May your kookiness live on!
My work here is done.
Regenengel3 out.
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Until next time. *evil laughter is evil*