A/N: Guys, I'm on fire with this story. I already have the next chapter written, and I'm about to write a new one, so get on the reviews and I'll get on the updating :)

Reviews:

Letitbeme- I didn't forget the word of the day--Pam changed it to quote of the day in the chapter before. And thanks for the FDR comment... I thought it was JFK, but hey, maybe Pam did too. :) Good eye.
Nat- hehe, I love the "kick fear's ass" thing. it makes me smile. And JF is sooooooo, sooooo funny. I just adore her. And strike news... They're back to work! officetally it if you need info. :)
Dancer- Thanks!
Alison- Aww, there's no way YOU are real. :)
Mrs Big Tuna- Thanks so much! I hope she kicks some serious ass (fear's ass? other asses? I dont know!) she's just that kinda girl :)
Autumn's Child- Yeah, I agree. I only hope my story can fit her storyline right... I feel she does a LOT of growing up, and I want to make sure she gets to do that in her diary too :) and thanks for the review (and the understanding). I LOVE replying to reviews because it makes me feel like I have more interaction with my readers :) So keep reviewing, I'll keep replying! And I want you all to know that I read your reviews and hear what you're sayin, ya know?
Lovemesome- Yeah, definitely. I did not like S3 either, so it's harder for me to write, but being able to delve into the depths of Pam... well, I'm starting to like it more. :) I hope you will too, as you read this. :) And yeah, it's kind of from Runaway Bride, but not in the way that I like, sat down and said "oh, eggs.. hmm, no, but ice cream". i mean, i was reminded of it, too.
Anon- Thanks! I hope it continues, too. And good, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I actually turned down a kiss (Wow, so like Pam I am!) from my bf at the time, and now I'm glad I did. :)
Kerber- Thanks so much! On to more transforming!
Katy- Wow, thanks! High praise :) Its making me like S3 a whole lot more... Mmhmm. Hopefully it'll continue to do so.. And please, please, kill taxes. Haha.

September 30, 2006

I gave a eulogy for a bird today. I named the bird Jim. Only because it reminded me of him… I know, that sounds weird, but really… I don't know, I guess it's not that weird. Okay, it's weird. I gave a dead bird a eulogy, named the bird after my ex-best friend, and I still have no idea why.

You never know what your day at Dunder Mifflin is going to be like… I mean, really. I did not wake up this morning expecting to be giving the eulogy at a bird funeral. I mean, I don't think anybody really does expect to wake up and give a eulogy about a bird, but hey, we do what the situation requires of us… The thing is, the bird kind of… Well, this is silly, but it reminds me of us.

I don't remember what I said about the bird… It was mostly to appease Michael, until I realized I wasn't really talking about the bird. I was talking about him. me. us. I was just talking and talking, about how the bird wasn't alone, even if it was by himself… How there were lots of people that cared about the bird. How the bird wouldn't be forgotten… I don't know.

I guess my basic thought is… well, what the hell? I feel kinda jipped. He was my best friend before he went to Stamford, and you know what, just because he left doesn't mean he isn't still. He's still my best friend, if for no other reason than that I have a huge problem letting go of people. I tend to stick to what I know, and yeah, sometimes a little fight is good, but a lot of the time, it's really not. Not when you're fighting for something that's not worth fighting for.

And I guess Bird Jim… Well, he might be worth fighting for, but no matter how hard I fight for it, I'll never get it. I'm alone. Point blank, that's the way it is. And yeah, I know I'm not really alone. I kid myself, telling myself that if I called and really needed Jim he wouldn't come. I know Jim. I know he would. Anyone that can validate Michael's feelings and share a desk with Dwight would come running to help… It's just the way he is. Kind-hearted. And even if his kind heart is broken, I don't think it's the kind that's broken. Just the heart.

So, I don't know. Even though I sit alone in an empty apartment with one gallon of ice cream in my freezer (my favorite kind is pistachio, in case you were wondering, Diary), I know I'm not alone. Because somewhere, way out there in some other time zone, is another bird who cares about me. Even if he left me. Even if I broke his heart and he broke mine. He cares about me. I know he cares about me. And you know what? If I never see Jim again, hey, that's alright. We're still friends. We'll always be friends. Because we were best friends. And I'm never, ever going to forget that. And I'm never, ever going to forget him.

I learned something today. It sounds silly to say I learned something from a bird funeral, but I did. Life's too short. I know that's clichéd and outdated. Like, duh, death teaches everyone that, Pam… but really… it is. It's too short to let go of things. That doesn't make sense. I've spent the last three pages telling you I need to let go, but really, it's a fine line. There's a fine line between letting go and remembering. And it's called redemption.

It's such a crazy word. Redemption. The kind you hear from people like Angela. But I think redemption… being redeemed… it's more than just what it sounds like. You know? I mean, when I hear that word, I think of someone righting wrongs. And not necessarily in a good way. But isn't it possible that wrongs are just wrongs and that's the way it is? Not everything can be righted. Maybe redemption is more than righting wrongs. Maybe it's not even righting wrongs. I think it's more about being able to remember your wrongs without sadness and regret. Being able to look at them and say, "okay, it happened, what now?" You know? And I think that's more what death teaches us… Death is more than just the end to a life. I mean, has death ever just been about flying into a glass window? I would hope not… I mean, if death was just about flying into a glass window we wouldn't be having a funeral. Dwight wouldn't be playing his recorder; I wouldn't be singing, and we would all just continue to walk along in our shallow existence of a life…

I guess what I'm trying to say is death is about redemption. Maybe this is the churched part of me coming out, which is funny because I wouldn't really consider myself a church-going saint or anything… but there's something redeeming about death. Something freeing about it. I mean, yeah, it's the end of life… but through death you become free of it all. Free of the burdens and the struggles and the pains… And I don't know. There's something achingly desirable about it… Being free from the crap… And I don't mean that in the way it sounds. I'm not planning my death, and I'm not depressed… I'm just saying. Redemption… Don't we all want that? Don't we all want to be redeemed? To be able to be free of what's happened in our pasts?

I shouldn't write or preach a sermon on this topic. I'm a hypocrite just writing all this out. There's no way I'm over what happened in May… or what's happened the past ten years. I'm not redeemed yet. I'm not free of all of the burdens of it… but maybe I need to learn to start. You know? Everyone always talks about how healing happens when you can forget what happened. You hear it all the time as a little kid. "Forgive and Forget." Why? Why forget it? What's so damn great about forgiveness if you just forget what happened? I mean, I understand the beauty of it… but isn't that something only God can do? Forgive and forget?

And honestly, who wants to forget?

I have all of these memories… regrets… fears… And they're all weighing on my heart and changing who I am. And sometimes, the weight of them all is more than I can bear. But you know what? I don't want to be rid of them. I want to be rid of the feeling that comes with them, but if I got rid of the bad memories… well, what gives me the right? You know? Life is full of ups and downs. If we all got rid of the bad, we'd never realize how good the good is. That sounds cliché too, and I know that, but I don't care. It's just… if you never take the gross, bitter, darker than dark chocolate, how can you truly enjoy how wonderful milk chocolate is when it's sweet? Okay, bad example… Everyone loves chocolate… but there's one out there. I know there is.

I guess it's like relationships. If you don't go through the bad ones, how can you realize how damn blessed you are with the good ones? You know? I mean… and I don't mean this to sound mean or weird, but I wouldn't have realized how bad Roy and I's relationship was unless I'd met Jim… Not that Jim was the reason Roy and I failed. I'm not saying that at all… I'm just saying that good in comparison to bad only looks better.

I just… I wonder, does he have regrets like I do? I'm sure he did… but then the real question is… is he looking for that redemption? I don't know… I wonder, sometimes… I'm over here changing and healing and learning how to be me, learning how to really forgive him and move on and love where I am… and I hope he can say the same. I really do. I feel like I've been given some sort of second chance here, and I don't want to blow it… And I don't know… I guess the more I live this whole coming back from where I've been thing, the more I realize that there are always second chances… sometimes they just take a different form than the way we see them.

I'm not explaining myself right... I'm not naïve enough to think I'm going to get another shot with Jim. And that's okay. I love Jim. I will always love Jim. But I don't want him to be what completes me…You know? I just think that for some reason, this life is filled with second chances and third chances and just all sorts of chances. And I'm okay with that. I'm thankful for that.

I'm talking myself in circles here. But basically, it all boils down to, bird Jim died. And it's sad. And it sucks. But it's good. He might have had a lot of things wrong in his life, and now he's free. And that's okay. He has a chance for a better life, if you believe in that. I think I do. And I guess it just reminds me of Jim and I… We will never have what we did before. It's just the way it is. And yeah, that hurts. And yeah, that sucks. But it's okay. Memories are there, both bad and good. And someday, I'll be able to remember without feeling this pain. I'll be redeemed, and it will be good… But I will never, ever have what we had. And that's fine. Maybe we'll have something better. Maybe we won't have anything at all. But whatever comes next for me, I think it'll be good. Life is good, I think. It's just a general thought I have. No matter what happens, life is good.

Life is good, but that doesn't mean it's not a battle, you know? I'm not expecting this to be easy. Hell, I don't know if it's possible. But I hope it is. I hope there's a way to remember without being sad or angry or upset. I really do. I don't think time heals all. I think that's bologna, and we all know bologna is fake and gross. Time isn't what heals us. We have to let ourselves be healed… And it's a process. And it's gonna hurt. And it's gonna sting, but in the end… In the end, it'll be worth it.

I've just got to let go… and hold on… All at the same time.

"The question is… how does a girl who jumps into a rabbit hole plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? The answer? She doesn't." –Little Black Book

Let me know what you think... I'm a little apprehensive about this one. So, yeah... 9 reviews and I'll put up my next chapter (and I mean meaningful reviews ;)